Mindful Moments Blog

Social skills can be practiced, and the more we teach by actually doing, the more beneficial the approach will be when teaching social skills for friendships and peer engagement. This improv game is designed just for that!  

Child-led learning. The thought of it can seem downright scary. Here are six benefits of using child-led learning with your young children...

When our own childhood contained stress and trauma, the developmentally-appropriate behaviors of our children can be a big trigger. Here are 3 ways to heal your childhood wounds through parenting. 

As the school year comes to a close, many are wondering what summer will look like. Here are 60 activities you'll want to add to your family's bucket list.

In our culture, we are accustomed to training children through pain. We are fooled into thinking it’s good because it works, but it only works for a short time, and the reason it works is heartbreaking. Here's what to do instead of punishment.

Am I doing enough for my kids? Am I dropping the ball at work?How do I date my husband, spend time with myself, and keep the house afloat? Will my friends understand? I haven’t responded to their texts in days. These questions all lead back to one limiting belief that has followed me around like my own shadow for most of my life ... and it sounds like this in my head: "I am falling short, messing up... and not enough." Nothing will cause us to look in the mirror at all parts of ourselves more than becoming a parent. And that’s exactly what my two sons have done - reflected back to me this limiting belief that says I have to be exemplary or I am failing.  The trickle-down effect was palpable as I watched my four-year-old son throw his red crayon across the room after coloring out of the lines in his Paw Patrol coloring book. Tears brimming, he wailed, “It is ruined. It’s not the way I wanted to do it. I never want to color again.”  After comforting my son and stumbling across my words, because clearly, I lacked the skills I wanted to teach, I settled in to relate to his pain. I got it. I really did. Because I have spent most of my life there.  I realized that if I didn’t learn tools to help my son embrace his mistakes, then tears over a scribbled picture would turn into tears about striking out at baseball, getting a B on a paper … and an overwhelming urgency to have all things go his way.  I began reading all the tips and tricks that experts suggested in helping my child overcome his fixed mindset, and with all of my short-hand sticky notes framing my computer, it felt more like putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. The pulse was coming from me. Because while my son was early in his brain development, I was also emotionally immature. It was time to stop shaming myself for my mistakes and learn to befriend them … to acknowledge them as the teachers they are.  Here are five things I did to help positively reinforce a growth mindset: 1. Get to the root Carol Dweck, psychologist and the author of Mindset who coined the term growth mindset, says, “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence - like a gift - by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact, has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.” I felt like she wrote this specifically for my child-self. Reflecting back to my youth, my parents, with the best of intentions and full of heart, assured me that I was the best - When I colored a picture, I was the best artist … When I won the track race, I was the best athlete that day … When I graduated from college, I was the best. In being told I was “perfect”, I began to fear being “not perfect”. Would they still love me if I fell short of the best? This single question followed me through all future relationships, including motherhood.  And there it was, the root of my perfectionism stemmed from fear. At least now I knew what I was really dealing with.  2. Learn to release “True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source. It is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow,” says Dweck.  So the new question became, how do I become courageously me?  I wrote down everything that I felt like I was failing. And then I tore the page in half. And then, tore it again. I threw the shredded papers in the recycle bin where they could be transmuted to something useful because my guilt sure wasn’t helping anyone.  3. Adopt a new perspective Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, and author says that healthy striving is self-focused, asking ourselves, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism is other-focused, causing us to ask, “What will they think?”  I realized that being the best was a narrow concept. Instead, I could focus on being my best, and that was fluid minute to minute. Sometimes my best is locking myself in the bathroom for five deep breaths before re-entering the chaos of raising small children, and sometimes the bar is much higher. When I put the power back into myself, to ask what I want and need, I can overcome life’s disruptions with much more resilience.  4. Create a mantra I knew I needed some sort of mantra to repeat to myself as I was likely to fall back into old habits, at least initially. So I created this practice: Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe in: I am love. Breathe out: I am enough. Rinse and repeat all day long.  5. Practiced acceptance For my children to embrace their mistakes, they had to become safe for me, too. When I did mess up, I noticed my self-talk and focused on shifting from I can’t believe I did this to My mistakes help me learn and grow. With practice, mistakes became allowed, and even welcomed, in our household.  I also circled back to the beginning, my child-self who was a slave to praise. I gave her permission to be loved, flaws and all. Shifting into motherhood, I began to notice and celebrate my boys’ efforts over their outcomes so that they have the freedom to meet challenges head-on without the trepidation of a what if I fail mentality?  My boys and I are learning to do the lionhearted work of being ourselves together.  So, you ask, how did I help my sons develop a growth mindset? I started with me. _____________ Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive parenting inspiration and support in your inbox each week.

Research has shown the long-term effects of spanking on a child's mental, emotional, sexual and behavioral outcomes. And the impact of these negative childhood experiences can directly influence and run the narrative of our adulthood. Read more. 

The last thing Kelly wanted was another gimmick for a tired, worn-out parent. She was overwhelmed and out of ideas on how to manage her daughters' meltdowns. But then something amazing happened ... her oldest daughter taught her youngest daughter how to use a feelings chart. 

By: Alex Petrou"When I started my journey in motherhood, my greatest struggle was perfection. Wanting to reach high. Having these high, I would say unattainable, goals. And though I was doing all the crunchy mama wonderful things - babywearing, nursing, making my foods and you know, all these wonderful things, it was never enough. You know that feeling of being a hamster on a wheel? I was very present to that sort of not enough-ness in motherhood early on. I was also very present to the isolation, to feeling alone, and yet I was here in my home town of St. Louis, Missouri where I was raised. I had family around me and every reason to feel supported and yet I struggled with that feeling of isolation and really just wanting to connect in a really authentic way to other moms. And this was 16 years ago so you have to remember, there was no Facebook." "All of this has brought me to where I am today; to the classes I run for parents and all the products we've created via Generation Mindful. It's about being enough at the root of it all and lowering the bar. If our goals are too high, we can never reach them." Watch the full video and hear more about: The difference connecting before you correct your kids can make in their listening. Practical applications of mindfulness in parenting. Why awareness is more important than being perfect. How mantras can inspire mindful parenting. The toddler years and how the card game PeaceMakers is helping parents to be more patient. The power of being enough and celebrating the little things. The power of daily playful rituals for parents, children and kids. Click here for more on PeaceMakers and follow Generation Mindful on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. _____________ Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

In the face of COVID-19, Generation Mindful spreads some light-hearted humor with a post for parents that went viral.

When seeing how much his 4-year-old son, Dexter, loved "Frozen," Ørjan Burøe, a Norwegian comedian, purchased two Elsa costumes from Ebay, and the pair danced around the living room to "Let it Go." The video went viral. 

When we learn to suppress unpleasant emotions as a child, we become adults whose conditioned self masquerades as our authentic self. This dampens our human experience (and affects our mental health and parenting). Here's how to break the cycle. 

After maternity leave, I decide to shift from my role as a teacher of an academic classroom to that of teaching our “one and only.” My full momma heart told me that I would nail it. I mean, how hard could it be to teach one child when I had taught so many?

By: Suzanne TuckerYou’re talking, but nobody’s listening. You feel like the teacher in that Snoopy cartoon. Waaa -waaa-waaa-waaa-waaa. You’ve been nice. You’ve been patient. You’ve repeated yourself no less than three times and YOU. ARE. DONE. You think to yourself: ‘Why won’t they just do what I ask them to do?!’ ‘I could have never gotten away with this when I was a kid!!!’ ‘This is exhausting. Am I the only parent on the planet dealing with this?!’ You feel frustrated, disrespected and unappreciated, and so the gloves come off as you think to yourself, ‘Nagging, yelling, shaming, bribing. What’s it gonna take to GET THESE KIDS TO LISTEN?!’ Instead of resorting to parenting tactics that leave you feeling guilty and/or disconnected from your child, inspire the listening you are looking for with these five simple strategies: #1 – Parents, pull for cooperation right from the start. If you are parenting a strong-willed child, it is likely that each and every time you attempt to exert your authority, your child responds with some sort of resistance. Ignoring you. Defying you. Engaging you with backtalk and banter. Or maybe replying with, “Sure!” just to get you off their case only to ignore you and your request yet again. Instead of approaching your child with body language that says, “Get your back-side in motion or else!!!” (an understandable stance to take given the past) see if you can strike a team-approach that pulls for their cooperation instead. Stand where you can be seen, heard and even felt as you gently pat a knee or shoulder. Lock eyes before you speak. Connect. Ensure your child is actually hearing what you are about to say. This means no more yelling “GET YOUR SHOES ON PLEASE, WE ARE LATE!!!” from the next room, even in the most kind or politest of voices. Distant, defensive, or hurried commands invite resistance and set you up to fail before you are even out of the gate. Once you have your child’s attention, avoid locking horns at the front end and pour on a little honey instead. Avoid words like need, can’t and have to as these “trigger” words do little more than invite pushback and opt instead for words that invite: “You need to clean up now.” becomes “It’s time to put the toys up.” “You have to come to dinner now.” becomes “It’s time for dinner.” “You can’t play anymore right now we need to eat.” becomes “You can play some more after dinner.” # 2 – Change your method, respond rather than react. Once your “invitation” is out there, if your child still resists you, instead of reacting to what feels like disobedience, reclaim your personal-power and respond to your child instead. As much as pushback can feel like a) a personal attack, b) an elaborate plot to drive you batty and/or c) a sign of some huge personality flaw in your child that will only get worse with time and needs to be broken, it is more than likely simply r-e-s-i-s-t-a-n-c-e. Resistance to change. Resistance to being told. Resistance to some unknown next thing. Resistance to stop using the brain cells that are currently firing within his or her head to find and engage some whole other set of brain cells necessary to make your request, no matter how valid it is, happen. Once you let go of your reaction (i.e feeling shocked, offended, disrespected, etc), you can put 100% of your energy into responding to your child instead (i.e. connecting and redirecting their behavior.) In my six-hour positive parenting class, we spend two hours talking about this step alone. It’s no small thing to respond rather than react when you feel angry or irritated, but staying calm means everything when it comes to leading and guiding by example. Instead of parenting from fear, shame and/or other types of coercive power, when you re-focus your efforts on responding to what feels like misbehavior instead of reacting, you’ll find you are 110% more effective at enrolling your child into the very thing you are wanting. Being kind, respectful, responsible. Discipline, born of the root word “disciple” which means to lead and guide by example, is a vital part of positive parenting – parenting from a clear, firm and consistent love. Responding instead of reacting to your child does not mean you are being permissive. It means you are being both firm and respectful as you teach your child what is expected of them in that moment. # 3 – Restate what you hear your child saying with love. Use a calm voice as you re-direct your child. I call this my “Siri” voice as Siri never yells at me or makes me feel guilty when I miss a turn. She simply redirects me. “Turn left at the next stop.” Drop any judgment or irritation you might be feeling at your child’s resistance (“justified” irritation on your part, but irritation none the less) from your words and your voice as you report only the facts: “You like playing with your Legos.” “You are having fun.” Look for the feeling your child is struggling with and state it calmly as well, with as much empathy as you can muster. Make eye contact as you get down on your child’s level and say: “I hear you. You are sad and wish you could keeping playing Legos.” “You are mad and want to play more.” This restating, or what I like to think of as empathy, works great with teens as well, though obviously the words and the situations would change. The key here is, when you pause to restate what you hear your child saying (or think they might be saying/feeling) it’s like you’re hitting some big cosmic pause button on any old knee-jerk reaction type tendencies you might want to default to and instead, you are offering empathy. A single, well placed kind word or hug can be a complete game-changer when it comes to transforming resistance. Simply put, empathy has the power to create cooperation. By helping your child feel heard, you are helping them to listen. # 4 – Now that you have your child's calm attention, it's time to restate what you are asking for. Use simple words that invite action. The more specific, concrete and actionable, the better: “It’s time for dinner. Take my hand and we can walk to the table. We can play with Legos when we are done.” Paint an inviting picture for your child, one they see themselves doing in their head and avoid the trap of telling them exactly what you do NOT want them to do. “Bye-bye Legos. We’ll see you after dinner” for the 2-3-year-old. “Let’s hit the pause button (as you hit an imaginary pause button and invite them to do so as well) and we’ll come back to these Legos after dinner.” For the 4-5-year-old. “Time for dinner, let’s go. What will you eat first?” or any number of other enrolling questions you think of to get your 5+ older child thinking about the action you are asking of them. # 5 – Stay with it. The last element to getting your child to listen is consistency. Once you’ve tasted the sweet success of redirecting resistance without the need to yell, it’s just that much easier to inspire cooperation from your child the next time. And though the transition from your old way of “inspiring listening” to this new way might be a bit more complex than the examples above… STAY WITH IT. If you and your child are in a dance, resisting one another in the same area of life, over and over, talk about your dance when the situation is not up in your face; the following afternoon for instance. You might open with something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed getting to the dinner table is always a battle for us. What can we do fix this so we can BOTH feel good in the end? We’re on the same team and I want you to like whatever plan we come up with. Do you have any ideas?” … and then LISTEN. Write down every idea your child has, even the crazy ones: “I know. I get a piece of candy every time I come right to the dinner table.”(yeah, right) “I’ve GOT IT! We could get a new puppy if we all listen to you and come to the table right away every night for a week!” (not on your life) You get the idea. Write each one down with a smile, throwing in your own ideas here and there. Allowing for your child’s silly ideas as you make this list is a big part of making this brainstorming session work, especially for kids aged 3 to 9. Heck – everybody likes to laugh and crazy ideas help keep things light. Have fun with it and throw in a few wacko ideas yourself! In the end, find an idea you both like and circle it. You have a winner! When allowed to be a part of creating the solution, even at age 3, your child will be that much more invested in having this solution work. Putting all five strategies in motion. Here’s an example of some “listening” a family I’ve been working with privately created. They had been battling their five-year-old son who had been putting his feet up on the table every night, without fail, at dinnertime for what felt like an eternity. Mom’s gentle reminders fell on deaf ears. Repeating and reminding gave way to frustration and anger. Not only was dinner NOT finding it’s way into their three children’s little mouths due to all the unrest at the table, but mom and dad’s goal for dinner to be “a peaceful time to reconnect and share about our day over a healthy meal” (a meal mom had just spent over an hour making) was going up in smoke every night. Even the playful ideas mom had tried to make mealtime “fun” for her son and keep him cooperative and at the table failed to keep his feet off the table and all the “fun” was quickly becoming more of a chore than an assist. That’s when this family followed this five-step plan above and hit the reset button. The couple got clear about how they were feeling in the face of all this "not listening" and owned their triggers. They canceled their goal to control their son and set a new goal to be clear and respectful as they held to their boundaries. As soon as the goal to control their son was clear, a new space emerged and a new goal --- to own their feelings and to involve their son in the process. This mom decided to ask her son to help her create a solution. She approached the issue as a team, from her “center” and in a calm moment the following afternoon. She recapped the issue and her goal, free from “trigger” words and asked her son for ideas. She listened and wrote everything he offered in the way of a solution down. Through this process, she felt calm, connected and on the same page as her son even as they discussed the behavior that had been driving her up a wall for weeks. In the end, here’s the gem of an idea her son came up with: He decided if he put a long strip of paper with “x’s” all along the edge and taped it to the table, he would remember to keep his feet down. And wha-laa. It was that SIMPLE… and it worked. He listened that night, and the next, and the next, following the family rule to keep his feet under (instead of on) the table because of a solution he helped to craft. And he continues to follow this rule today, no sticky notes required; nightly battle transformed. Where could you and your family use a breakthrough towards more listening? I’d love to hear if and how you put these five strategies to the test and what you create with your family. Together. xo Mom of four, author and parent educator Suzanne Tucker is the founder of Generation Mindful, a line of educational tools, toys and online programs committed to connecting the generations playfully and nurturing the human spirit. _____________ Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

Why does my child hit and what can I do to get him to stop?