Mindful Moments Blog

We make mistakes AND we are enough all at the very same time. I closed the car door with my foot and tiptoed my son’s birthday cupcakes inside. I was determined to remain incognito on my path to the kitchen where I excitedly stored the treats meant for his birthday party the following day.  Moms talk about a “mom win,” and I was having that sort of moment, but it didn’t last long.  Fast forward 12 hours to the next morning, and me waking to a tiny hand slapping my face. I sat up equal parts annoyed and panicked. Had I overslept? This day was not already off to a not-so-great start.   I stumbled into the kitchen to find my eldest son hiding in the pantry, helping himself to a breakfast of champions - his not-so-well-hidden leftover Halloween candy. And while it wasn’t ideal, taking the candy away at that moment seemed more daunting than the sugar high he was headed for, so I opted to pass by with a blind eye. I needed coffee. My mom was hosting the birthday party at her house with a handful of our family members invited, and though this absolutely alleviated some of the stress that comes along with throwing a kid's party, somehow, the morning still felt chaotic. We eventually got out the door about 30 minutes later than planned, but we were moving in the right direction. I loaded the kids, slid into the driver's seat, and attempted to start the car. Nothing. I tried again and ... nothing. Please no, I thought, not today. I quickly replayed the night before in my mind, trying to figure out the source of the problem. I got the cupcakes … I drove home … I snuck inside, hid the cupcakes, and went upstairs to tuck the kids in bed.  Nowhere in this replay did I remember the part where I actually turned off the car.  The verdict was in. My car was out of gas and we were going nowhere fast.  As I called my mom to come to rescue us, I put myself on trial.  Did you forget to turn the car off? Really?! Isn’t that a pretty basic function of getting out of the car? How could you be so stupid? It's your son's birthday and you are ruining it.  I felt the guilt taking over and the tears brimming. My heart was sinking when the sweet sound of giggles hit me from the backseat. My kids were singing a mashed-up version of "Happy Birthday" and it was just the thing I needed to pull myself back from the edge of self-loathing I was teetering on.  I took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. Things could be worse, right?! Everyone was still alive, my mom was on the way, and, yes, we still had cupcakes.  As my breathing slowed, so too did my thinking. Things became more clear. And that's when I began to wonder to myself, What am I going to model for my kids here? Am I going to show them how to beat yourself up when you make a mistake, or am I going to give myself some grace and teach them that we all make mistakes? Shit happens, and we can either criticize and complain, or we can work to transform it.  I chose the latter. I saw so clearly at that moment that how I responded or reacted to my own mistakes would inform my children on how to be with theirs.  If it were my best friend sharing this same story with me, I would snort-laugh and tell her to give herself a break. So, why was it so hard for me to give myself this same break? But, we do that, don’t we? We punish ourselves for things we wouldn’t think of judging another person for doing.  Having a soul-searching conversation entirely by myself in the front seat of my car, I made a vow to work on loving myself - not only for my mama wins but also for my misses.  As I waited for my mom to show, I scribbled down a short list of ways to let go of the suffocating chokehold being “perfect" had on me, and here they are: Let yourself feel. Use “I statements” to say what I’m feeling out loud to keep me aware and in the moment.  Laugh at yourself. I may look crazy but laughing, even if a forced laugh at first, shifts the brain by releasing feel-good hormones.  Think positive. When I mess up, I am quick to pull out all of the self-deprecating labels. Note to self: cancel the negative thought, and replace it with something positive about myself.  Do-it-over. Do you believe in time travel? I do. Asking for a re-do and owning up to my mistakes is like the cosmic reset button to life.  You may be wondering if we ever made it to the birthday party and I am happy to tell you that we did. The car that wouldn't start was barely noticed by my kids and long forgotten the second we pulled up to Grandma's house.  And those cupcakes? They were a huge mom win, scoring me hugs and sugary smooches from my birthday boy.   This is me. I am an imperfect mama who wishes she was more or "better" for her boys. I am an imperfect human being, and somehow, this is a reality I am just now learning to not only accept but to celebrate.  Being excite-able. Being forgetful. These things do not make me unloveable --- they make me, me. And that is something I can learn to celebrate, and teach my boys how to do as well. Learn More About Reparenting By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.  If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.

Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection. Strong-willed children have lots of great qualities. They are determined, courageous, fierce, and spirited. They can also be emotionally intense and sensitive which might lead to more tantrums and meltdowns, and their determination and spiritedness might mean power struggles are a real, well, struggle. This makes parenting strong-willed children a bit tricky. These kids don't do well with traditional discipline methods which tend to only fuel power struggles. They are not easily controlled or manipulated. The traditional “control over” approach doesn’t go over well with these spirited tots, and they will naturally challenge you.  Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection.  Seeing Behavior as Communication Learning to look behind the behavior to the root cause is an important parenting skill no matter if your child is strong-willed or not, but it can be particularly helpful for parents of spirited kids to realize that all behavior is communication. It gives us a peek into the child’s emotional world and provides clues as to what the child is experiencing in that moment. This is especially important in strong-willed or intense children because they get overwhelmed easily, and their behavior guides us to a greater understanding of them if we pause and pay attention. When a child’s behavior is off track, it could be because her brain is being overwhelmed by emotion or stress. While we assume that all behavior is deliberate and even calculated, the truth often is that they cannot stop themselves. Their fight or flight response has been activated, their brain is experiencing an amygdala hijack, and they probably have little control over their actions.  At other times, simple immaturity is to blame, and our own lack of understanding of the developing brain and how it works. Your child may know, for example, that he isn’t supposed to run ahead in the parking lot, but he cannot stop himself from acting on his impulse to run as his impulse is stronger than his reasoning at that age.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns This doesn’t mean we let misbehavior slide. It’s a shift from punishing behavior to providing predictability, clear expectations, boundaries, and positive discipline to keep them safe while their brains are still developing.  Here are three ways, or solutions, to handle your strong-  child’s behavior.  Choices and Mastery Strong-willed children like to feel in control. When you think about it, young children have so little control over their daily lives, and it must be quite frustrating for them. We can meet them where they are by allowing them to make lots of small and reasonable choices that will feel empowering to them. When strong-willed children are forced to submit, they become oppositional, defiant, and stubborn, but when we give them control where appropriate and use a “come alongside” rather than a “come at” approach, they become less oppositional.  Strong-willed children crave mastery. Allow them to do for themselves what they can, and encourage them to take charge of as many activities as possible. Yes, this means you may have to relinquish control of minor issues. Is it more important that her outfit matches or that she’s happy she dressed herself, even if she’s wearing rain boots, shorts, and a hoodie? It may take five times longer to bake the brownies, but he’ll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that he did it himself. Whenever possible, let your little firecrackers be in charge of themselves and they’ll become more cooperative. Strong and Clear Boundaries It may seem like your child wants zero rules, but all kids feel safer with firm boundaries in place as long as they are enforced calmly and lovingly. Be conscious of your tone and energy when explaining and enforcing boundaries. Start by explaining expectations, not in a warning tone that projects your mistrust but in a “heads up” tone. Demonstrate that you believe in him and you’re on his side. “We’re going on this nature walk and I know you get excited and it’s fun to run. I’m not comfortable with that because it’s not safe so I’ll give you a signal or sign so you know when to wait and let us catch up. If it doesn’t work, we will hold hands.” Don’t view holding hands as a punishment but as help. “I love you too much to let you go running off.”   Anytime we talk about strong-willed children, there’s always a concern about their free spirit. We love that our strong-willed kids are fierce, determined, persistent, and non-conforming. We don’t want to “break their spirit,” we just want to tame it a bit.  Unfortunately, this fear of breaking their spirit may lead to a failure to set appropriate boundaries, so we need to rethink how we look at boundaries. Boundaries are love in action. They are like the lines in the road that tell drivers where we can safely navigate. Without them, there’d be chaos. Boundaries keep us safe, so rather than viewing boundaries as spirit-breaking, we can see them spirit-saving. You are more likely to hurt a strong-willed child’s spirit by constantly calling her down or correcting her than you are to provide appropriate boundaries in the first place.   Positive Discipline Traditional discipline methods like punishments, threats, and lectures trigger opposition and push-back, particularly in willful children. Positive discipline works better to decrease power struggles and increase connection. First, work on building trust and a secure attachment, as this will increase your influence with your spirited kid. This can be done through lots of laughter, play, listening, and quality time.  Next, work on teaching your child social-emotional skills. Help them understand what is driving their behavior and practice the skills they need to regulate their emotions and actions with the Time-In ToolKit®.  Finally, focus on solutions. When an issue arises, problem-solve together to find a solution. Ask the following questions: What caused this to happen? How do you feel about this? What could you do differently next time? How are you going to fix this? This is much more effective than losing an iPad. Solutions are better than punishments because children need to learn to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.  

When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. Was I ever going to be a mom? That was a hard no for me.  I never daydreamed about a future of growing a round belly to carry life. Or swaying a baby to sleep or bouncing a toddler on my hip. I never imagined myself in a role where I was needed so completely and loved so profoundly.  The younger 20-something version of me shut this part down. Maybe it was the fascination of my time being mine. Or maybe it was the back-to-back loss of my brother and father. Or maybe the doctor who said it would never happen anyways.  Either way … not for me. Parenting? Pass.  But life has a way of shaking up what you think you know and turning it on its head. As two pink lines turned into blue onesies and doe-brown eyes, my response changed.  Was I ever going to be a mom? I couldn’t imagine myself as anything else.  Parenthood is the ultimate journey - not only in getting to know our children but in growing (and testing) ourselves, too. Here are 12 things I have learned as a mother - principles to live by.  1. I am qualified.  Took me a bit to believe this one. But I am. And so are you. The gig doesn’t come with a manual, which means we are the manual. I spent so much time on Dr. Google with my first, searching for answers to questions that usually started with “Is this normal when …” or “What do you do when …”  that I overlooked the little whisper of intuition deep inside. We are all the exact parents our children need. Our children already know this, and it’s time for us to believe it, too.  2. It all starts with me.  This may be the biggest Einstein moment for me - my deepest revelation about parenting. Parenting isn’t just about raising small humans into adults, it is equally about reparenting the child inside of us. I have come to recognize that there is a little girl within me who cries out to be seen and heard, and she throws her biggest tantrums in the face of my children’s challenging behaviors. It isn’t about my boys and what they are doing, it is about the way I perceive what they are doing. And the things I struggle with the most now when parenting are the things I had to suppress within me when I was a child. Phew. Lots to chew on there.  3. Parenting is a relationship.  I used to think parenting was something parents did to their children, but I realize now that it is way more relational than that. There are a pair of wants, needs, desires, and perspectives here, not just mine. Just because one set belongs to a pint-sized human doesn’t mean that they are any less valid, worthy, or important. Younger in age doesn’t equate to an inferior human.  4. I will mess up. Despite my best loving intentions, I am going to miss the mark a time or two (or a zillion). I am going to yell or say or do something I’d like to take back. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. But, because of this, I am going to get really good at making repairs. So, forget what you see on social - that is only part of the story. No one is perfect. No one.  5. Everything is temporary. Ev-er-y-thing. Those sleep challenges where you feel like you’re reliving groundhog’s day … temporary. You will sleep again. How about those tricky milestones of power struggles, meltdowns, and tantrums? Also temporary. The sarcastic tween stage and the “I know it all” teen phase … temporary. Doesn’t mean these moments aren’t hard, they are, and they can feel like they stretch on for eternity. But, do you know what else is also temporary? Their littleness … the way they snuggle in your nook or say your name a million times (“mom … mom … mom”), the afternoons of play, the nights of laying with them until they fall asleep … there will be a last time for it all. And as one chapter closes, another will open, with its challenges and its blessings.  6. Sometimes it’s okay to lower the bar.  I had BIG ideas about how I would parent. No processed food. No screen time. No ugly cartoon tee shirts. But somewhere along the line, I realized that it was okay to lower the bar from time to time, to shift, to give in here and there, especially when in survival mode. Totally exhausted, run-down, depleted, overwhelmed, need a break - I mean, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make it through. I always strive to do my best. Sometimes that’s a 10, and sometimes it is a two. I am no less a mom on my 10 days than I am on the days of a two. 7. The checkboxes aren’t as important as the connection.  I remember a little face looking back at me waiting for me to answer the question he had already asked 60 times, and legitimately, I didn’t hear him once. My mind was on the laundry, dinner, errands, how to juggle schedules, making the perfect birthday cupcakes … about a hundred other things, none of which included my child at that moment. Our children don’t care about our to-do list. They care about our presence. Time is precious. Don’t focus on those things you will forget about next week, and don’t let it create friction in your relationship. Focus it on what is important - the quality (not quantity) of time and connection with your child.  8. I don’t want obedient kids.  I used to think that I wanted kids who listened and did as I said. And while submission may be an easier parenting approach in the short game, it creates issues down the road. I want my children to be able to say no - to me, their peers, or anyone or anything that doesn’t align with their intuition. I don’t want to punish or control my kids to make them behave, listen, or comply. I want to raise children who think for themselves, follow their bliss, and aren’t scared to go against the grain.  9. Behavior serves as a function.  I used to think that my child was giving me a hard time anytime challenging behavior arose. At one point, that was like every three minutes. It was super frustrating and I started to resent the little human I loved so much. But then, I realized something pretty amazing. All behavior is communication. Under the meltdowns and tantrums was always an unmet need or lagging skill that was making it challenging for him to meet an expectation. Behavior is never the problem, it is the symptom. And when we solve the problem at its core, the behavior regulates itself.  10. Kids aren’t mini-adults.  Biologically, neurologically, and emotionally, our kids are kids, not adults. Most of the behaviors we label as defiant are actually development. Whining, fluctuating big emotions, impulsivity, not listening, hitting their sibling, lying, trouble sharing … all the things lead back to brain development. The part of their brain responsible for these high-level skills is immature and the part of the brain that tells them to fight, flight, or freeze is fully developed, so it only makes sense that they will use the tools they have. We are the adults with a fully formed brain and it is our role to teach, guide, and model for their developing one.  11. Emotional education is the bomb. Want your kids to stop being little hotheads who run through the house like a bat out of hell? Want to connect with them and build an attachment where they feel safe, seen, and validated so that your toddler or teen lets you into their world? Want to promote academic success? Emotional education is where it’s at. Teach your kids how to notice, name, and manage what they feel, and model doing the same. It builds the foundation for everything.  12. I matter too.  In the 18 (plus) years where your world revolves around your kids, remember that you also matter. I love being a mom, and that is one of the biggest parts of me, but, it isn’t the only part. I still want to do a yoga class or take a walk alone. I still want to follow my career dreams. I still need my girlfriends. And I want to date my husband so I don’t forget how cool we really are together. There will be seasons for all of it. Release any pressure to do it right, and remember that self-care is a mindset. Pause to notice what you want and then give yourself what you need, no matter how big or small.  When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. I have learned so much and am sure I have more yet to discover. Focus on where you are right now because the journey - not the end - is the magic. Learn More About Reparenting By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.  If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.  Normally $197, marked down to just $47 when you checkout today. Heal your past, tame your triggers, change your life. Get lifetime access to 15+ incredible resources from top parenting experts in this one-of-a-kind offering. Check out the speaker lineup and topics in this helpful Reparent Yourself journal. Join today and: 💚 Break generational patterns 💚 Let go of conflict avoidance and perfectionism 💚 Replace codependent behaviors with self-care

It isn't our parenting skills that are lacking, it is our self-love and acceptance. I sat in bed barely able to look up at my husband. I was doing that ugly cry where your face can’t help but reveal your emotion.  I’ve always been transparent with my heart, yet opaque with my self-love.  And perhaps that’s because my self-compassion is often in short supply.  Any mis-step, mis-take, miss-the-mark, always seems to validate any truths I have about myself, the narrative that runs on replay most days, the one that says, “You aren’t enough.” I have never called my enoughness into question more than becoming a mother.  And there, in the middle of my bed, with the covers pulled high, I sat like my child-self used to, replaying affirmations that fed into my negative self-talk.  I was never a mother who dreamed of being a mother. I was terrified at the thought of raising small humans, losing myself, and also, maybe even most of all, of finding myself.  Now, here I was sitting where so many others have sat before me (and likely many are as I write this): living in my not-enoughness.  I have been short-tempered.  Detached.  Distracted.  The words slipped past my lips, and there was no going back. “I feel like I am a terrible mother. Like I am failing them.” My heartfelt angst. I actually believed what I was saying.  And then my husband did something unexpected. He kneeled beside me, and instead of trying to fix it or make it better, he just listened. He let me cry. He let me express my pain. He never left me.  As my tears transitioned to sniffles, I thanked my husband for his support, honestly surprised by his course of action. Emotions and communication are not always his cup of tea.  Seeing the grateful yet curious look in my eyes, he smiled and replied, “I learned from you. This is what you do for our sons every day. Maybe you can’t see it because you’re so in it, but I see it. I see your worth. You are not a perfect parent AND you are the exact mom they need. Perfect is a myth, anyway.” I realized the part I was lacking most wasn’t my mothering skills. It was my self-love, self-compassion, and self-respect that needed polishing.  I see a little girl in my reflection, the one who felt she had to carry the burden of perfection, who felt she was only worthy if she was performing at 100% at all times, and I tell her what I needed to hear all those years ago: You are worthy of giving love and being loved. Many people say that you can’t love another until you fully love all parts of yourself. I actually believe this to be false. Motherhood has taught quite the opposite.   But I do believe it is challenging to let others love you and to receive that love in its full capacity if you do not love yourself.   Somewhere along the way I learned to self-abandon who I was in order to feel loved, safe, and bonded to my parents. When we learn at a young age that our parents' love isn't reliable, we become hypervigilant to their moods and rescue them by becoming whoever they need us to be. This becomes our survival mechanism - our way to control how other people see us, and it jades the way we see ourselves. Our worth becomes less about our innate goodness and more about external measures of performance and other people's satisfaction.  Our kids are without conditions. They love with open hearts and see past our mistakes, our shortcomings, and our false narratives. They see us for who we truly are - all parts - and they choose to love us anyway. From their grace, we learn to heal and love ourselves, too.  Reparent Yourself Intergenerational healing is about progress... not perfection.  By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself and others.  If you would like guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle. Lifetime Access to 20 Interactive Courses, Guided Meditations, Healing Movement, and Other Transformative Resources. The Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle is available at 94% Off Savings for a limited time.

Sometimes we are running on empty ourselves, and we don’t have the emotional capacity to be with our child’s big emotions. Here are some preventative measures and timely rescues. I’ve read all the things …  heard all the parenting tools, and I am on board. I am the parent who wants to connect with my child before I redirect him.  I want to avoid yelling, lecturing, and punishment tactics.  I want to empower. Stay curious. Teach and guide.  It totally makes sense to me.  But here’s the thing. Knowing what to do and actually having the capacity to do it are two separate things. Despite my best intentions, I can’t ignore the loudness of my own life.  I feel stressed. Over my head.  Out of my league.  My own emotional capacity is on E, and it makes it super hard to be emotionally available for my child during his big emotions.  When my three and five-year-olds have age-appropriate meltdowns, I feel the weight of all the shoulds in those moments. I should be able to be calm. I shouldn’t be so triggered. I should be able to help my child when they are struggling. I should be better at this. Enter parent guilt, stage left.  If you have made it this far, chances are, you have been here too. Turns out parenting stress is a real thing … like really. Psychologists refer to “parenting stress” as the distress we experience when we feel we can’t cope as a parent. The demands are too high and we don’t have the physical and/or emotional resources to meet them.   Preventative Rescues There are about a zillion things that can contribute to parenting stress, unique to each family system and individual. But the million-dollar question is: What do you do when your emotional capacity to cope with your child’s big emotions is MIA? 1. Celebrate Sounds a little weird, right? But really, celebrate. Give yourself a pat on the back, a big ol’ hug, or at least a break (aka some self-compassion). Your awareness is powerful and is the first step to being available to both you and your children.   2. Do A Brain Dump On a piece of paper, write down everything that stresses you out. This can be done in one sitting or over the course of days. The act of creating the list itself isn’t supposed to be stressful.  Once your list is complete, go through the list and circle anything you can control, and cross out anything that you can’t. This exercise helps us recognize where we may be giving our energy away and helps us focus on what we can control, which is empowering.  Lastly, pick one thing from your list, the low-hanging fruit, and start there. How can you ease the stress of this particular thing? Can you delegate or ask for help? Does it require you to say no to something to prevent overscheduling your time and emotions? Can you break it down into smaller, more digestible parts?  3. Shift Your Self-Talk When you feel comfortable with the previous step, begin with small, sustainable mindset changes. This may include: Create a “to feel” list instead of a “to do” list, which focuses on how you want to feel in a particular day as opposed to all of the things you have to do in a day. When we decide how we want to feel, we can strive to do (and think) things that help us live into the desired emotional state. Create a mantra and/or post affirmations on sticky notes, your mirror, or wherever you can see them often. In setting these intentions, it shifts the circuits of your brain and, after time, new pathways of destressing are made. You may choose to say things like: “I am worthy and enough.” “I choose calm.” “This is temporary and I can get through it.” “I will listen to what my body needs today.” 4. Develop Rituals Rituals are predictable and predictability communicates safety to our body, which helps us move from our stressed-out reactive brain to our higher brain regions wired for regulation. Some ideas include:  Practice breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth, watching your belly move up and down like waves of the ocean Move your body via walking, stretching, or exercising Sip hot tea or a cup of joe before the kids wake up  Take a hot bath after they go to bed Whatever ritual you decide, choose something small - just for you - that you can add to your day (not on to it). So maybe when you wake, you plant your feet on the ground, stretch your arms up, and set an intention for the day. Or maybe you take a few seconds for your ritual every time you go pee. Or maybe you set a timer to remind yourself throughout the day to pause and notice: “What do I need right now?” This is a great way to start small self-care practices.  Another great ritual is one to do with your child. Take five minutes in the morning or before bed for a feelings check-in. How do I feel right now? When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today? This ritual helps you connect with your child, be emotionally available for them, and can be a release for you too.  I know this all sounds like a lot of preventative work, and it is. In doing these things, we can build our emotional capacity for when our kiddos are escalating.  Timely Rescues  Now, let’s say you have been incorporating some of the preventative tools yet you’re also fuzzy on what to do in the moment of your child’s escalation.  The first thing is to start right where you are. Ask yourself, “How much can I give of myself right now? How am I feeling?” Sometimes just the pause and art of noticing helps us regulate, and sometimes it helps even our children.  When it feels too much to validate your child, set a boundary, and use some of the other parenting tools for de-escalation, start with just one tool - the tool and power of your actions. What can you do in this moment to de-escalate yourself?  Deep breathing or bumblebee breathing (which is good for blocking out stimuli and connecting with your body) Tapping under your collar bones (which balances your own nervous system) Touching your thumb to each finger and saying, “Peace lives in me”  Getting outside with your child Just modeling self-regulation is super powerful even if the other stuff feels too much. And then, maybe later, sometime when you do feel like it’s available for you emotionally and physically, have a conversation with your child. It may sound something like this: “Do you know how you sometimes have big emotions? Well, guess what, adults do too. And sometimes I am really working hard on mine. It’s kind of cool that we’re both going through this together. We are a team. I’m always here for you. I love you. And whatever comes, we will get through it together.”  Who knows, maybe you and your child can come up with emotional calming strategies and solutions to high-stress moments together. Because we aren’t alone in this. Neither are our children. It is a relationship. I see my child, and they see me. I do for them, and guess, what, they mirror it right back. 

5 tools to help your inner child overcome the fear of failure so that you and your kids can embrace a growth mindset! I can’t remember when it first started, but it has followed me like my own shadow throughout most of my life. And all too often, it steps forward into the light, smacking me in the face to remind me it’s there.  Perfectionism.  Am I doing enough for my kids?  Am I dropping the ball at work? How do I date my husband and spend time with myself and keep the house afloat?  Will my friends forgive me? I haven’t responded to their texts in three days, or maybe longer.  The questions all lead to one response. I am falling short of perfect, messing up, not enough.  Nothing will cause us to look in the mirror at all parts of ourselves more than becoming a parent. And that’s exactly what my two sons have done - reflected back to me this limiting belief that says I have to be exemplary or I am failing.  The trickle-down effect was palpable as I watched my three-year-old son throw his red crayon across the room after coloring out of the lines in his Paw Patrol coloring book. Tears brimming, he wailed, “It is ruined. It’s not the way I wanted to do it. I never want to color again.”  After comforting my son and stumbling across my words, because clearly, I was lacking the skills I wanted to teach, I settled in to relate to his pain. I got it. I really did. Because I have spent most of my life there.  I realized that if I didn’t learn tools to help my son embrace his mistakes, then tears over a scribbled picture would turn into tears about striking out at baseball, getting a B on a paper … and an overwhelming urgency to have all things go his way.  I began reading all the tips and tricks that experts suggested in helping my child overcome his fixed mindset, and with all of my short-hand sticky notes framing my computer, it felt more like putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. The pulse was coming from me. Because while my son was early in his brain development, I was also emotionally immature. It was time to stop shaming myself for my mistakes and learn to befriend them … to acknowledge them as the teachers they are.  Here are five things I did to help blast through my perfectionism.  1. Get to the root Carol Dweck, psychologist and the author of Mindset who coined the term growth mindset, says, “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence—like a gift—by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact, has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.” I felt like she wrote this specifically for my child-self. Reflecting back to my youth, my parents, with the best of intentions and full of heart, assured me that I was the best - When I colored a picture, I was the best artist … When I won the track race, I was the best athlete that day … When I got an A on my test, I was the best student. In being told I was “perfect”, I began to fear being “not perfect”. Would they still love me if I fell short of the best? This single question followed me through all future relationships, including motherhood.  And there it was, the root of my perfectionism stemmed from fear of losing my attachments. At least now I knew what I was really dealing with.  2. Learn to release “True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source. It is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow,” says Dweck.  So the new question became, how do I become courageously me?  I wrote down everything that I felt like I was failing. And then I tore the page in half. And then, tore it again. I threw the shredded papers in the recycle bin where they could be transmuted to something useful because my guilt sure wasn’t helping anyone.  3. Adopt a new perspective Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, and author says that healthy striving is self-focused, asking ourselves, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism is other-focused, causing us to ask, “What will they think?”  I realized that being the best was a narrow concept. Instead, I could focus on being my best, and that was fluid minute to minute. Sometimes my best is locking myself in the bathroom for five deep breaths before re-entering the chaos of raising small children, and sometimes the bar is much higher. When I put the power back into myself, to ask what I want and need, I can overcome life’s disruptions with much more resilience.  4. Create a mantra I knew I needed some sort of mantra to repeat to myself as I was likely to fall back into old habits, at least initially. So I created this practice: Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe in: I am love. Breathe out: I am enough. Rinse and repeat all day long.  5. Practiced acceptance For my children to embrace their mistakes, they had to become safe for me, too. When I did mess up, I noticed my self-talk and focused on shifting from I can’t believe I did this to My mistakes help me learn and grow. With practice, mistakes became allowed, and even welcomed, in our household.  I also circled back to the beginning, my child-self who was a slave to praise. I gave her permission to be loved, flaws and all. Shifting into motherhood, I began to notice and celebrate my boys’ efforts over their outcomes so that they have the freedom to meet challenges head-on without the trepidation of a what if I fail mentality?  My boys and I are learning to do the lionhearted work of being ourselves together. So, you ask, how did I help my sons develop a growth mindset? I started with me.

We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection and fear with safety. She grabbed their tiny wrists and yanked them out of the door and led them through the parking lot. I couldn’t hear her words but she was enraged like a bear, towering over her children as they sat on the curb looking at their feet.  My boys and I were sitting outside the restaurant at a table eating some cheeseburgers when I witnessed this mom with her children. They looked about the same age as my own, around three and five. The commotion caught my oldest’s attention, too. His curious gaze became fixed. His smile faded. And together, we watched as the children were pulled yet again across the parking lot and to a table next to us.  Her children were now instructed to stand against the wall to “not move … not say a word.” When they did wiggle or giggle, she yelled, “I dare you to move or say something. Do it. And see what happens.”  The children stood there as their food arrived, again looking at their feet. One last time, the mom approached them, mumbled some words, and then slapped their wrists as she called her children liars. The kids were now crying and the mom looked on the verge of exploding from anger and possibly into tears. My stomach was turning. My heart was racing. My hands were sweating. I wanted to go over and say something … to advocate for these children and embrace them in a protective hug. I wanted to tell this mom that she was on the same team as these babies she loves, and that hurt was happening, physically, and, even more profoundly in this instance, emotionally.  As I was contemplating my move (mind my own business or bellow out), the children moved from the wall and ate their dinner. My husband urged me to finish my burger and let it be, but I had lost my appetite. And the pit in my stomach stayed with me the entire ride home.  Deep into the depths of my heart and thoughts, my shift somehow, surprisingly, turned from those children to the mom. As I peered over my shoulder toward the backseat at my own children, I became curious about the why beneath her behavior. My disdain melted a bit and made way for an inkling of compassion.  I found myself wanting to hug the child within her. My training has taught me that the things we struggle with as adults are adaptations from our own youth. We are all looking to survive, and as children, we learn which parts of us lead to connection and safety and which parts of us lead to punishment and isolation. We learn to grow the parts of us that our system wants. Instead of seeing an enraged mom, I began to see this woman like a scared child herself, seeking the same things she was robbing her children of - the feelings of safety, power, and connection. It was possible that the ways she was reared or that the impulses her body stored from her own childhood were now coming up and out of her as an adult and were being directed toward her children. And it reminded me to stay curious, because the parents we become, are often influenced by the children we had to be: The parent who struggles with their child’s big emotions was often the child who was taught it was unsafe to feel. The parent who uses punitive punishment was often the child who was spanked, isolated, yelled at, or shamed. The parent who is a people pleaser was often the child who had to be a parent pleaser. The parent who feels she isn’t worthy or enough was often the child who was told her wants and desires were wrong or bad. The parent who yells was often the child who had to internally yell “stop!” to avoid threatening his attachment with caregivers. The parent who has poor self-talk was often the child who wasn’t allowed to express her frustration or give answers that the adult in her life didn’t want to hear. The parent who struggles with setting boundaries and asking for what they need was often the child who felt they had to choose between inconveniencing their caregiver and getting their needs met. Compassion For Another This mom’s actions had a story to tell. And I was listening. While I may never see that woman and her children again, it got me thinking: What if we held compassion for the authoritarian adult … the one who uses time-outs, spanking, or other punitive measures?  This isn’t the same as condoning any behavior that is detrimental to a child. Because I am not. What I am saying is, what if we also see the child within the adult who had to adapt … or who experienced shame, blame, and pain and help them replace those narratives with safety, love, and connection within themselves? Could that not be more effective than further shaming them for parenting practices that were likely handed down to them?  It is possible that the more we perpetuate the cycle of shame, blame, and pain, the more the adult retreats to those protective mechanisms they put in place long ago, and the more they are dug in towards their own children. We carry the energy of our lineage. It takes awareness and real courage to be a generational cycle breaker - to be a pivot point that says, “This stops here.” So instead of meeting that authoritarian parent with more shame, what if we met them with compassion?  Here are 5 ways to show compassion for another parent: Give a smile  Empathize  Offer to help (when appropriate)  Share encouraging words Validate their experience  Compassion For Self If you find that you are the parent who practices punitive measures or any parent at all for that matter, here are 3 ways to rewire your mental and emotional circuits for more connection in your home:  1. Notice Triggers When your children do (fill in the blank), you feel (fill in the blank). This requires us to pause and reflect on the energy that comes up within us when our children (or anyone for that matter) behaves in a certain way.  Our triggers show us the parts of us that were shut down in our own childhood. When we feel ourselves become elevated by something externally, we can choose to go internally. This means that instead of perpetuating the cycle that shuts down our kids or attempts to control them, we reclaim our power and notice which parts of us were suppressed - this is an opportunity to grow those parts.  So this step is all about noticing. When (fill in the blank) happens … I think __. I feel __. I can __. 2. Teach About Feelings We may think that emotional education is for our children and it is. Yet, it’s also for the child that lives inside of us, too. While we have the science, most of us parents lack the skills to notice, name, and effectively manage our emotions, which makes it tricky to teach our children.  Our children come into this world with the capability to feel and without the ability to self-regulate. And when their developing brain and big emotions encounter our child-self, fireworks (aka power struggles) can happen. But here’s the really cool thing. Only we know what our child-self needs and we can now, as an adult, meet those needs while we teach and guide our own children.  Using Time-Ins as a daily ritual is a powerful way to build connections and teach about emotions and calming strategies. Feelings posters and mantra cards create a sensorial way to engage children so that they are intrinsically motivated to play with the tools when regulated and can better access them during dysregulation. Spending five to ten minutes a day learning about emotions and sharing when you felt happy, sad, calm, and mad, not only teaches your child but strengthens those circuits in you.  3. Spend Time With Your Inner Child As parents, we spend time with our children. No brainer, right? But there’s a child inside of us who needs our attention, too.  Using all of your senses, time travel back to a memory from your childhood. Visualize it as if you were there right now. What does it feel like? What do you see? What are you wearing? What can you hear? And so forth.  Maybe start with a memory that feels good and familiar. And then shift to a more challenging, painful, or less familiar memory. See and feel yourself as that child.  And then imagine your adult-self, and meet that child version of you. Give her/him what she/he needed at that moment. Spend five to ten minutes a day doing this.  When we revisit a memory and add a different experience, we have the power to rewire circuits and change the memory. We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection, and fear with safety. If you find that these memories are hard to find, you can read more here. It would have been easy for me to write off the woman from the restaurant as a bad parent. But maybe what she needed, and has always needed, was to be seen, heard, and validated. For someone to tell her that she didn’t have to be that scared child anymore. And that she can break the cycle. 

Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot. As a parent, it’s nice to have a toolbelt (okay, maybe an entire toolshed) of strategies.  In my years of mommin,’ I have noticed trends - tools that seem to work well for myself and my kids so that parenting shifts from a list of things I have to do to my children (get them to listen, behave, and be respectful) to something I have with them (aka a relationship).  Sure, I need to be their sturdy leader, but it doesn’t mean I have to do it with force, and it doesn’t mean my child has to be obedient. Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot - one where I can stay true to my needs while also staying curious about my child’s … one where I can set boundaries and validate my child’s experience … one where we both win, learn, and grow.  Sounds a bit like a unicorn, doesn’t it? Even as I write it, I snort a little chuckle. Because it does sound a tad Fairy Tale-ish. But the data I have collected (better known as the life experience of being in the parenting trenches for several years) has given me strong evidence that supports just this.  So, here it is, my list of favorite parenting tools, the little black dress of tips. Read through, pull out the ones that speak to you, see if it fits your family, and if not, return it to the rack. But chances are, you’ll find something to take home.  Here we go … 1. Do A Trigger Worksheet I got this little gem from a parenting course I took when I was pregnant with my first child. I laugh now, because, at the time, I sat there rubbing my beautiful buddha belly thinking, Why would I need this? I can’t imagine EVER getting triggered by my child. Ha, jokes on me. It didn’t take me long to dust this off and give it another look.  We are mirrors. Our children take in what we reflect back to them, and they reflect back the parts of us often asking to be healed. We all have these shadowy parts of ourselves, and the things we struggle with now are often the things that we had to suppress in our youth to fit into our family system. Heavy stuff, right? But this tool - a trigger worksheet - makes it not so scary to bring those parts to the light.  When you find that there’s that thing (or several) that your child does that sparks a flame inside of you (like the I-Am-About-To-Lose-It flame, not the pretty Bath And Body Works candle one), ask yourself:  When my child does this, what thoughts do I think? I think ... What is it that I feel? I feel … What goal do I have for my child right now? My goal is that my child … Then, (brace yourself) cancel your super awesome goal, because your goal has nothing to do with you. Replace it with one that does. When my child does (XYZ), **I** will … And yes, this works with partners, co-workers, and anyone who ruffles your feathers. Not just a parenting tool but more of a doing life tool.  2. Schedule Special Time  My child feels 100% satisfied with the time and attention I give him, says no parent ever. I mean, our kids are basically bottomless pits when it comes to their desire and need for connection. This can feel tricky for parents. There is only so much time in the day, so much to do, and it can feel like Mount Everest to climb.  But here’s the thing, research has shown that just 10 minutes of Special Time in your home each day can transform (Yes, for the people in the back, I said TRANSFORM) your home. Here’s how to do it:  Create a chart Name the Chart after your child (If you have multiples, each child gets their own). This can be as simple as writing “Sofie’s Special Time” across the top and the days of the week (M-S) down the left side of the paper. Make the chart with your child, and get her amped for this new thing ya’ll are going to do.  Schedule it Every day, invite your child to pick one thing that he wants to do that is just for him. Cook together? Sure. Play Legos? Okay. Transform into Superheros or play house? Why not. Read books, go for a walk … you get the idea.  Whatever your child chooses, invite your child to set a timer for 10 minutes.  When the timer bings, you can choose to move on or to continue the activity.  After you complete the activity, place a round, colored sticker on the chart for that day of the week, and label the date and activity you did.  So, why do kids like this? Because it is concrete, measurable, tangible, predictable … all things that feel safe and good to them.  Couple of things ... 1) During these 10 minutes, follow your child’s lead, put away distractions, and really give focus to your kiddo. 2) This is not a bribe or punishment. It happens every day regardless. For older kids, you may decide once a week will suffice or one bigger outing once a month. The key is that this never becomes a carrot to dangle, but rather a safety blanket that communicates your connection.  3. Practice The Meltdown Sounds a little weird, but I swear I am not off my rocker (well, not entirely, anyway). Practice the big emotions beforehand. Let me play this out for you.  Say that the big power struggle is always during the transition off of screen time. Moving from a preferred task to a less desired one is hard for most of us, especially a developing brain. So, when that moment comes that you say, “All done. Turn off the tablet,”  their little body responds in a big way because they are being pulled in by their own emotional current. What results is a colossal meltdown.  Instead, replace all of the stress, anxiety, aloneness, and emotional shock with play and connection by practicing the meltdown ahead of time. It may look like this: “You know, I know that when I ask you to turn off the tablet, it feels hard. You really like your show, and I like that you tell me what you want. It is important to me. I also know it can feel a tad scary to feel out of control. So, let’s practice what it might feel like when it’s time to turn off the cartoons. I can go first. Why don’t you tell me to turn off my tablet.” When your child role-plays this with you, drop down into a meltdown of your own, bringing in some silliness. And then switch, inviting your child to practice her own meltdown. After this little rehearsal, go forward with your normal TV time. If your kiddos are anything like mine, when it is time to flip the off button, there are fewer tears and more laughter.  4. Affirm Your Trust This one is short and sweet but packs a powerful punch. Instead of commanding and demanding and sending messages that your child needs external force, is likely to mess up, or is incapable of doing something (all of which can be inadvertent messages of overpowering), focus on empowering him with this statement: I trust you to __. I trust you to keep the markers on the paper. I trust you to stop at the mailbox before going any further on your bike. I trust you to pick up your toys before dinner. I  trust you and your brother to work this out. I trust you to listen to your body. Try it a few times, and see what happens.  5. Take A Time-In  Creating a short, playful, daily ritual to check in with our feelings has been a parenting and marriage game changer.  Each night, before bed, we come together in our family’s Calming Corner to talk about when we felt happy, sad, calm, and mad (or any other emotion) that day.  Other times, when I can tell that the heat is rising, I throw out a random feelings check-in. Let’s pause and get back in our bodies. What is it feeling? Ready, go! Sometimes, noticing my child’s emotion helps diffuse it. It seems like something doesn’t feel good to you/didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, huh?  Another way we explore feelings is by measuring them. How big is your frustration? Is it this big? This big? … Once, when coloring, my son became upset when his blue crayon crossed over the line, and so I asked him to show me with crayons how big his feelings felt. He dropped two handfuls on the table and said, “This mad, mom.” This offered me a chance to validate his feelings and co-regulate.  While there are many more parenting tools to mention, these are 5 of my go-to's. They’re like my best girlfriends, they always have my back! 

Here are common parenting phrases, what kids hear, and what we can say instead to get on the same page. You know that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Where is the parenting version of that? Because lately, I'm pretty sure my children and I are not only living on two different planets, but we are speaking two different alien languages.  Somehow, me asking my child not to jump on the couch or slap her brother or throw a block at my head translates into more jumping, slapping, and throwing.  Even my best attempts to get my child to listen turn into a battle, leaving both of us feeling out of control, frustrated, and ultimately further apart (forget different planets, more like different galaxies). It turns out that miscommunications between parents and children are not uncommon, and when we look at the science behind our children’s developing nervous system, it all makes sense. This brain science explains not only why our kids can't hear us but what we can do about it. For children to process and integrate what we are saying, we must speak in a language they can understand. Here’s what we know:  1. Children are wired to experience life and the world around them from their brainstem (reactive/defensive part of the brain) and limbic system (emotional part of the brain).  They do not yet have access to thinking, moving, and making decisions using their higher brain regions (aka the responsive/logical part of the brain responsible for most of the "executive functioning skills" we all wish our two and three-year-olds had already).  This means that anytime our children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, sensory overwhelm, or bump into an "unmet need", such as feeling hungry, tired, lonely, overpowered, or off-routine, they will resort to their more illogical and defensive "fight, flight, and freeze" mechanisms, wired to keep them safe and well-attached to us.  Just as with any other skill, the best way to build the higher brain regions is to practice them through games and time-ins where children have the chance to learn from not only their many feelings, but their thoughts, actions, and even their mistakes. 2. A child’s brain is designed to process concrete information. Using words that describe what we want our children to do (as opposed to what we don't) help children hear what we are saying and respond instead of reacting. Plus, using concrete, tangible tools that kids can touch, hold, play with, and see helps children learn from their feelings and the many little teaching moments that happen in everyday life.  3. Children do much better when things are predictable and concrete. This means when we have boundaries in place that are consistent and revealed ahead of time it incentivizes the behaviors we desire. What Parents Say And What Kids Hear Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we say to what our children hear. Let’s take a look at a few common examples: When we say ...  1. Be quiet. Kids hear/internalize: I am too much right now.  What to do instead: "Be quiet” is abstract and hard for children to process. Encourage your child to choose to be respectful with their voice rather than punishing them for doing what feels natural. Hand gesture a volume dial, model being quiet by playfully whispering, have them mirror your tone (loud then quiet), play the quiet game, and offer redirection. 2. Be careful. Kids hear/internalize: The world is scary.  What to do instead: Say what you want your child to do. “Get down… walk on the sidewalk” or ask questions like, “What do we need to do before we cross the street?” Let your children grow in their awareness of themselves and the world.  3. Hurry up. Kids hear/internalize: I need to give up my desires for yours.  What to do instead: Be clear, respectful, and firm. “We are leaving in ten minutes.” You may help your child by offering a visual schedule, announcing the transition, and/or using a timer. 4. Let me do that for you. Kids hear/internalize: I am not capable and my parents can do it better.  What to do instead: Never do for a child what they think they can do for themselves. Give your child time to learn. Offer encouragement, “I believe in you. You can do hard things.” And if you must hurry, offer something like, “How about I put on this shoe and you put on that one.” 5. Be a good boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: I am good when I do good, and I am bad when I do bad. What to do instead: Communicate to your child that who they are and what they do are two separate things. They are always a good kid, and sometimes they have a hard time. To communicate this, connect before you redirect: Meet the unmet need, validate the feeling, set boundaries, and teach new skills through co-regulation.  6. Be a big boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: Bigger is better, so I can’t wait to be older. This incentivizes our kids to be more than they are.  What to do instead: Celebrate your child for the age they are, and the abilities they have. “Wow, you’re four. What a great age to be.” or “I see you working hard on that. Way to stick with it!” 7. Don’t jump, hit, scream … or any other verb. Kids hear/internalize: Jump, hit, scream. What to do instead: State the behaviors you do desire. “Feet on the floor … You can hit the drum … Match my voice.” 8. Don’t whine. Kids hear/internalize: I am not allowed to express myself. My wants and needs are bad or wrong.  What to do instead: Help your child find her powerful voice via play. “Where is Ella’s powerful voice? It was here just a minute ago?!” Or gesture her powerful voice by tapping your throat. Or say, “I want to help. I can’t understand what you are saying. Please use your powerful voice.” 9. Stop crying. Kids hear/internalize: It is unsafe to show emotion. What to do instead: Help your child name it to tame it and feel it to heal it. “I see you are so sad, and I am here for you.”  10. Stop being shy. Give him a hug. Kids hear/internalize: What I feel inside isn’t what is good or right or acceptable. What to do instead: Invite your child to tune in to their intuition and trust what they find. Offer support. “I see you don’t want to give hugs right now. That’s okay. Listen to your body.” 11. We don’t do that in this house. Kids hear/internalize: I did that (behavior), so I must not belong.  What to do instead: State an observation and then set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. “I see a boy who threw his dinner bowl. All done.”  12. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional. Kids hear/internalize: My feelings are wrong, not allowed, not safe.  What to do instead: Pause to notice and manage your triggers and stay curious about your child’s experience. Validate emotions, hold space, and make it safe to feel. 13. Oh come on, it's not that bad. Kids hear/internalize: What I THINK I am feeling is false. I cannot trust myself, my body, or my feelings. There must be something wrong with me. What to do instead: Remind yourself that feelings are not RIGHT or WRONG... they are data. Validate your child's emotions even if you do not like them. Get curious about your child's thoughts and possible unmet needs. 14. You make me so mad. Kids hear/internalize: I am responsible for others’ feelings.  What to do instead: State how you feel using an I statement. “I feel frustrated when I see the cat get hit because he could get hurt." If you currently use any of these, meet yourself with compassion. We are wired to say most of these phrases because it’s what was modeled for us by generations past. Being a cycle breaker takes awareness, which is exactly what this article invites. Compassionate awareness.  When our children feel safe, powerful, and connected, they have an easier time listening and cooperating with us. This is the power of taking a "connection with" rather than a "power over" approach to raising kids. Our words can either nurture, support and guide our kids ---- or they can become their inner critic. I choose connection.

Want to decrease power struggles in your home? Give your child more autonomy using this tool. By Alyssa Blask Campbell One of the biggest challenges of parenting young children is navigating their intense need for autonomy and independence. Often this leads to power struggles where we find ourselves putting more and more pressure on the child to comply, and in turn, they push harder and harder against us.  When we can move away from focusing on compliance and towards connection, understanding, and collaboration, we can put the power struggles to bed.  Choice theory outlines two options and the key is that neither of them is punishment. The adult setting the boundary has to be okay with both choices so you don’t end up mad if your child doesn’t choose the one you wanted.  This might sound like: It's time to get in the car. Do you want to climb into your car seat or for me to lift you up?The choice is not whether the child will get in the seat, the choice is how they will get in there.  For many kids, it’s helpful for them to have an idea of your timeline. This might involve a visual timer or counting. It’s important that the timer (or verbally counting) isn’t used as a threat. These are tools to communicate an expectation around time, not a countdown to a punishment.  If your child does best with clear expectations around time, it might sound like this:  You can climb into your car seat or I will lift you up when I reach five. One, two, three, four, five. (when you say five, you lift them up even if they say they want to do it themselves). This can be especially hard when your child responds to your boundary with big emotions. Toddlers will often cry, yell, thrash, or otherwise try to express to us how upset they are and it can be hard to stay calm and hold the boundary.When your child is disappointed by the choices offered, or angry that you’re holding the boundary, this is an opportunity to connect with them and help them build emotional awareness. You can be a safe space for them to express those hard feelings, knowing you’ll respond with consistency.This might sound like:"It’s so hard to stop playing and get in the car. I get that. I’m going to lift you up and buckle you in to keep your body safe.” They are allowed to feel hard things. They’re allowed to be bummed about the boundary or disappointed that they have to stop what they’re doing before they want to. Those are feelings they’ll feel for the rest of their lives. The goal isn’t that they’re happy, it’s that they know you understand where they’re coming from and trust that when you say something you mean it. Every time you hold the boundary and respond with empathy, you build trust between you and your child. 

If we want our children to exercise the compassionate parts of themselves, it is important that we expose them to these 3 components of their experience. By Viki de Lieme We passed three kindergarten facilities on our way to school, and this morning there were noisy construction sounds coming from one of them. Ilay, my six-year-old, who was never a fan of loud noises, said he hated the drilling.  "I don't like the noise, either," I said to him. "Can you see why they are drilling?"   He stopped, looked inside, and said, "Looks like they are fixing something and replacing some stuff."  I then asked him what this meant for the kids in that kindergarten, and he replied that the kids would have a nicer kindergarten. And I then asked, "Do you still hate the noise?"   He said, "No."  The Automatic Reaction Looking at the world, we see what our eyes show us, and what we take from it is what our brain already knows. Ilay heard the noise and his brain said, "I don't like noise!" and that's what he took from the situation, but that's pretty narrow and limited, isn't it?  One of our most prominent roles as parents is to teach our children to think, examine, analyze, and eventually, live beyond the automatic reaction. To do that, we need to expose them to the components of their experience.  The Three Layers of Experience  No matter which experience we choose to look at, we can always break it into three layers: external, internal, and systemic. Teaching our children to do the same is KEY to compassion, analytical thinking, care, and a plethora of other traits.  Let's take this morning, for example. External is what actually happened (drilling at the facility). Internal is how Ilay's brain reacted to the happening (I don't like noise!). Finally, systemic is the bigger picture, which allows us to influence and adapt the internal.  Parents Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction To instill skills and values in our children, we must first embody them. From my experience as a parent and parent educator, I know firsthand how hard it is to part from the automatic reaction. But while indeed hard, this is the first step to a life of compassion and calm.  When we break things down into their components and bravely see the bigger picture, our feelings change. When our feelings change, so do reactions.  Say your child melts down at the store (external). Your internal screams, "Why does this have to happen every single time?" Feelings of anger, impatience, frustration, and confusion arise, and your reaction follows. But if you added the systemic and said to yourself, "He's crying for his lost autonomy," for example, you'd feel compassion and empathy towards your little one, and your reaction would follow.  Children Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction Teaching children the three layers of experience allows us to bring peace into every situation because anger, frustration, and other unpleasant feelings disappear miraculously when our eyes are open to the systemic layer. Say your younger child snatches the older one's toy, and the older one automatically gets upset. If we stick to the automated, a fight will follow. But what if we help the older one break it down? Mom: What happened? (external)  Child: He took my toy!  Mom: And what does it mean to you? (internal) Child: He always does it!  Mom: Why do you think he did it? (systemic)  Child: Because he wants to play. The feelings generated by "he always does it" are those of resentment and anger, while those generated by "he wants to play" are those of connection and understanding.  Goodbye Automatic Reactions  One of the activities we often practice during dinner is taking guesses. We analyze each other's behavior and guess WHY they did what they did. Not only does this teach kids how to analyze behaviors and open their hearts to those around them, but it also opens an incredible door into your child's soul.  Sometimes, taking the wrong guess serves you because your little one will immediately give you the answer that's right for them.  The Giraffe and the Tiger  A few weeks ago, when Jon returned from a work trip abroad, he brought back two plushies - a giraffe and a tiger, both super sweet. Ilay immediately chose the tiger and handed the giraffe to Lia. They were both happy at first. A few days later, Ilay started developing a desire for the giraffe. He tried to convince Lia to switch, and she wouldn't. He got upset, closed the door behind him, and cried for a long time.  After a while, Lia went to him and gave him the giraffe. "Present," she said. Then again, for a short little bit, they were both happy. But sure enough, at bedtime, Lia wanted the giraffe. At two years old, the word "present" is not as eternal as it is at six. Ilay got upset, again, this time with Lia.  "What happened"? I asked, aiming for the external.  "Lia took the giraffe back!"  "You're feeling sad because the giraffe is not yours?" I continued, trying to guess the internal.   "No, because she lied to me!"  Equipped with this knowledge, I could then use the systemic to influence the internal.  "You know you'd never take back something you gifted, and you're upset that Lia did. I get it. Why do you think she did it in the first place"?  "Because I was crying, and she wanted to make me happy," he said, looking at Lia again but this time with a soft gaze.  "Yea, I think so, too. And do you think that she understands the word "present" as you do?"  "No," he said and cuddled his tiger.  It's about the Need, Not the Want Ilay didn't eventually get what he wanted, but he fell asleep with a better understanding of himself and a deeper understanding of Lia. He could appreciate what she did for him in a moment of distress, and he understood why she took it back. And understanding is what one needs to open the door to empathy.  

If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are five things you can do to help calm their anxieties. The first day of Kindergarten is a huge milestone for little kiddos (and their parents)! It’s an exciting time, but for some families, it comes with anxieties, fears, and mixed emotions. Being dropped off in a new environment filled with new people can be understandably stressful.  Signs Your Child Is Feeling Anxious Watch for these signs that your little one might be feeling anxious about the start of school: There’s an increase in meltdowns and acting out. Anxiety manifests in a lot of different ways because it’s based on a physiological response to a perceived threat. Their behavior can be misread as defiance or anger but is really an anxiety response.  They’re having difficulty falling asleep. As the first day approaches, you might find that your child is having trouble falling asleep. They may be needing you more often or for longer periods at night.  Expressing fear or worry about school. Parents are often quick to minimize a child’s fears when they verbally express them, saying things like “It’ll be fun!,” “You’ll make friends quick!” and “There’s nothing to be nervous about!” It’s important to validate and empathize with your child’s feelings. New onset of stomach aches or headaches. These physical symptoms could mean that your child is struggling with anxiety and may need to see a healthcare professional.  Your own fear and anxiety about your child starting school may affect them as well. Children are very perceptive about their parents’ emotions, and if they see that you’re anxious, they may become anxious too. Be confident and positive without overhyping it.  5 Ways to Calm Your Child's Fears If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are a few things you can do to help calm their anxieties.  1. Get acquainted.  Ask about orientation. If your child’s school offers it, take advantage of the opportunity for you and your child to meet teachers and classmates. If no orientation is offered, it’s a good idea to arrange a tour of a school and a meeting with your child’s teacher before the big day. Help the teacher get to know your child better by preparing a one-page cheat sheet about them, including their name and nickname, photo, medical conditions, likes and dislikes, interests and talents, etc. This will also give the teacher a few conversation starters for building a relationship. If you can arrange for your child to get acquainted with the teacher as well, that’s even better! Forming a relationship with the teacher before school starts will make the separation from you a bit easier. Furthermore, do a little networking with other parents and see if you can set up a playdate with another child in their class. Seeing that familiar face in class will be a comfort and help to ease your child’s nerves. 2. Keep it positive.  When you talk to your child about the upcoming school year and her transition to Kindergarten, remain optimistic and positive. Do not overhype the milestone. Making too big a deal of it may create an uptick in your child’s anxious feelings. As mentioned, validate your child’s emotions and empathize while keeping a general sense of optimism and showing confidence in your little one. 3. Find an anchor.  Some children can skip off to the classroom without so much as a backward glance, but many children experience separation anxiety. For those children, it’s helpful to find an anchor – something that helps them feel close to you while they’re away. A little piece of home away from home. It could be something as simple as a matching necklace, a photo of you, or a note in the lunchbox. An anchor is like a security blanket that your child can take with her every day. 4. Play and practice.  During that meeting with your child’s teacher before school starts, get a good sense of what a typical day will look like and what your child will be doing in the first few weeks of school, and then begin practicing those things over the summer with your child. Doing so will help familiarize your child with the routine and structure of school.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns Use role play to show her how to introduce herself to others, how to ask to join a group or game, using words to express feelings and wants, and appropriate solutions to conflict. The more you practice, the more confident your child will feel and the better those skills will develop! This will make the transition easier.  In addition to practicing things like standing in line, sitting still, following directions, etc., it’s a good idea to start practicing social-emotional skills as well. Use the Time-In ToolKit to teach about emotions. The Time-In ToolKit® playfully teaches kids 2-9+ how to navigate big emotions through social-emotional skill-building games.   5. Be their safe place.  It may only take your child a few days to adjust to Kindergarten life, or it could take weeks or even months. Every child is different and their experience will be unique. It is unhelpful to compare them to other children in the classroom who seem to be handling it much better. Rest assured that this is a temporary phase, and with the right support, your child will be able to overcome those fears.  Last year, I sent my firstborn off to his first day of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! And it feels like yesterday was his first day at Kindergarten. So if I may be so predictable, it does go by quickly, and before you can blink twice, that Kindergartener will be wanting a driver’s license. Good luck to you all!

3 Steps To Blast Through The Shame And Reclaim Your Power The memes are swirling again. You only get 18 summers with your children. Make it count! Don’t miss out on a single second! You’re running out of time! Make sure you give them an epic summer! The clock is ticking! Don’t fail them! I understand the sentiment, really. It’s meant to be a reminder to pay attention and soak it in. No harm meant. Much like “your children are only little once” and “enjoy every second.”  But how these sentiments land really depends on one’s current state - emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, etc.  When you’re struggling, these well-meaning sentiments land like a swift slap to the cheek. They can induce waves of guilt and not-enoughness as we: Share custody with a co-parent, only getting half of the summer Navigate the troubled waters of a mentally or physically ill child Work extra shifts, multiple jobs, or longer hours to make ends meet Feel grief and loss or fight the darkness that is descending Attempt to rebuild broken relationships or shattered dreams Lack the financial capability to trek to Disney or beaches Feel complete exhaustion from running in circles daily Work to piece together childcare solutions because work doesn’t break for the summer Crave alone time because you’re now a 24/7 jungle gym for little ones There have been periods in my life when those inspirational memes and quotes did just that - inspired me. They landed softly. Sweetly. They stirred something positive in me.  This summer, when my life is upside down and nothing looks the way it’s supposed to, they land hard and it stings. They leave me feeling deeply ashamed and inferior. It is not the fault of the meme-sharer. While it lands hard on me, it is landing softly on countless other parents, gently encouraging and nudging them along their paths, inspiring connection and presence.  No, it is not incumbent on those who share such things to make sure I am okay enough to read them. My reaction is my own, and rather than spiraling into the shame it evokes, I can notice my not-enoughness - my guilty reaction - and take some important steps. Step One: Notice My reaction to “you only get 18 years” landed hard because my kids are teenagers. I don’t have anywhere close to 18 left. I have only 2 left with one child, and 4 left with another. When you’re staring at the end of a journey, well, there are a whole lot of emotions.  Not only is my time left with them extremely limited, but shared custody limits it more. Now the pressure is really on. I need to provide the most awesome final childhood memories. But wait, financially, things are strapped. We won’t be flying to Disney World like so many of our friends. We won’t spend a week lounging in front of the Atlantic.  It’s no wonder the well-meaning sentiment hit so hard. But now that I’ve noticed the sting and paid attention to its message, I can make the conscious decision not to spiral into the shame it initially evoked.  Your reasons for the sting are different, but I want you to know they are valid. You’re not being silly or overly sensitive. You have permission to feel it all - your disappointment, frustration, sadness, grief - whatever is bubbling up to the surface for you, let it come. Feel your feelings and breathe.  Step Two: Choose Compassion Now that we’ve noticed the frenzy of feelings that are coming up for us, let’s meet them with compassion. Let’s hold ourselves in a safe space while they wash over us, and then allow them to go, appreciating the messages they brought but not holding on to them.  I have to purposefully choose to be heavy on the self-affirmations this summer - to dose up self-love and self-care because myself is hurting and needs to heal. When the shame gremlins whisper in my ear, when they speak to me of my inferiority, mistakes, and failures, I have to look them in the eye and whisper back “I am enough.” And even though I may not believe it at that moment, I may not truly feel enough, I will repeat it because the little girl within is listening.  Step Three: Own What I Can Do When I focus on everything I cannot do or provide this summer, I feel despair. But when I focus on what I can do, I feel empowered.  I can make and accept bids for connection. I can be present and give my full attention at times. I can stop worrying about tomorrow. I can take a short trip. I can build them up and share my love. I can leave the past where it belongs. I can choose love over fear. I can enjoy the days we have together, and if not the whole day, at least a part of it. Maybe I can’t give my children a magical summer, but I can help make it lovely. I can’t fly them to Universal Studios but I can make sure they feel seen and valued and deeply, deeply loved. As for me, I can take the next small step toward rebuilding a life that I love. I can rest in the knowledge that this difficult stage is only temporary, as all stages are. And most importantly, I can acknowledge that life doesn’t end when my kids hit 18. I will have lifelong relationships with them, and there will be many, many more opportunities for grand adventures, epic trips, and great memory-making. Sure, childhood may be nearing its end, but life - well life is just getting started, isn’t it? A new stage is coming, and I have a feeling it’s going to get much better. 

7 proactive tips + 3 in the moment tools Moving from summer break to back to school is a transition, and transitions are tricky for kids, which means they are also tricky for parents. But you don’t have to navigate this alone. We have some tools to make it less stressful for both you and your child. But first, let’s look at one reason why children may be hesitant to shift gears this school season. Two words: Separation Anxiety.  Now certainly, there are many other aspects that make it challenging for children to transition based on circumstance, brain development, and individual biochemistry and temperament, but for the sake of this article, we are focusing on your child’s fear of being away from you.   Back-To-School Separation Anxiety  Our greatest need as humans is attachment. Our children instinctively know this and communicate this need through their behavior. Does your child struggle to say goodbye or scream at drop-off? Do you find that your child is clingy? How about resisting bedtime with a zillion “one more, mommy” requests? While separation anxiety is most intense for babies and toddlers, older children may experience similar sensations when sick, frightened, or feeling unsure or stressed. This is because children, as an innate survival mechanism, are wired to seek their deepest attachments for safety and security. A perceived threat will move them away from danger and toward protection - aka you.  But is a transition really a threat? Well, to a child’s developing brain, often yes. They process the world very concretely and so anything that is outside the familiar can throw a real wrench in their regulation. So, that thing called school that happened eight weeks ago may be a trigger.  Another thing that registers as a threat to our child’s developing brain is being away from you. School requires them to leave their safe attachment and be with a less familiar caregiver - to go from their safe space (aka home) to a place where things are new and different.  7 Proactive Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety Here are 7 tools to help prepare you for the back-to-school transition.  1. Shift routines now A week or maybe days before school begins, bring some simple school-year rituals back into your home. This may include setting a sensible bedtime, selecting tomorrow’s clothes, and a visual chart to help with morning routines.  2. Visit the school  If it is available to do so before the school year begins, plan a tour with your child or attend available school orientations. Spend time on the playground or in the classroom and introduce your child to their teacher. While we may feel comfortable with our children returning to school, our children often don’t feel this way until they have a connection with those who will be watching them in our absence. We can begin to foster that connection now.  3. Discuss the transition If visiting the actual school is not an option, verbally prepare your child for the transition. You may choose to review morning and after-school rituals, review class schedules, lunch and recess periods, and what they can expect during class. Break this up over the course of days and in age and developmentally appropriate chunks. Because our child's nervous system mirrors ours, our excitement and confidence will help reduce their anxious feelings.  4. Role-play A great way to prepare kids, especially younger ones, is through role-playing. Enact the school day with your child. First, invite your child to be the parent/teacher/bus driver while you are the student. Model what a day may look like. Then, switch, encouraging your child to take the student role. This helps them feel safer and in control. You may also practice skills like asking questions, introducing themselves, asking to play on the playground, or anything else that they feel uneasy about. In offering these playful experiences for your child, you help prime their brain for what is to come, replacing fear and aloneness with connection and silliness. 5. Arrange play dates If you know that your child is sharing classroom space with someone, get a playdate on the books before school starts. Studies show that the presence of a familiar peer during school transitions can enhance a child’s emotional adjustment to their new environment.  6. Practice separation For younger children, you may choose to practice the separation before school begins. Simply taking a walk around the block or leaving for the store while they are in the care of another safe adult helps establish trust that you will always come back. Slowly increase the increments that you are gone and build from there.  If you are unable to leave your home, practice within the home. Start next to your child and slowly increase separation until you are in another room. Meet your child where they are. If they can only be away for a few minutes, start there and build time. You may find that using a timer makes this process more concrete for your child.  7. Take a Time-In This is an opportunity to check in with how your child feels about the transition back to school. Using feeling charts, your child can communicate whether they feel excited, scared, sad or some other emotion. Your child trusts you so, instead of telling them that they have nothing to worry about and that they will have fun, listen and validate, reflecting on what you hear. If your child isn’t into communicating verbally, invite them to draw how they feel or measure how they feel. “How big are your nervous feelings?” Communicate that our feelings are visitors, they are valid, and they are useful. Discuss calming strategies to help your child anchor their anxiety.  3 In The Moment Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety 1. Focus on the return Instead of focusing on your departure, give energy to the next connection moment with your child. This helps your child relax into the transition instead of the impending doom that you will soon be separated. Trusting they will see you again, your child will feel less of the need to chase your attachment. This may sound like, “After school, I will pick you up and we will spend some time snuggling up together reading your new book!” 2. Offer brief goodbyes  A brief goodbye routine can help your child process the transition. Keep this ritual consistent each day so that, over time, they know what to expect, which helps them remain regulated and create stability around the transition from being with you to being without you. This may look like you offering a hug and saying, “I love you and I will see you soon” before leaving.  3. Give a token Another simple tool is to give a token of you to your child that they can take with them to school. This may be something they put in their pocket or a bracelet they wear or a little heart you draw on their hand. It could be a picture of your family or a little note in their lunchbox. Enroll your child and choose something meaningful together. This helps your child feel closer to you when you are not around.  If your child does become emotional around the back-to-school ritual, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong” Remind yourself that you are a good parent and that your loving effort will help build resilience.  Your child’s tears are a way of releasing anxiety, and when they can trust you to hold space and validate their experience, to guide them through it, they build a deeper sense of connection with you, which will help them trust that bond even when you are not around. 

Teaching your child to hit or scream into something when angry may train their brain to link anger and aggression, creating a counterproductive cycle. When it comes to calming strategies for kids, the internet has provided a vast array to choose from, but not all of them are backed by research. In fact, some of the most recommended tips - punching or screaming into a pillow and stomping feet, for example - are actually not good strategies for calming down. But let’s back up.  Anger is a normal emotion. We often give it a bad rap because unchecked anger can certainly lead to behavioral problems, aggression, and violence. But anger itself is not bad. There are no “good” and “bad” emotions. All emotions are data, and if we listen to why our anger is visiting and what it has to say, we’ll find that it has great value.  Anger may visit to help us: Protect ourselves from a threat Motivate us to solve a problem Defend our values and beliefs Inspire social action and justice Gain a sense of control While we typically think of calming strategies as a way to deal with anger, that is not the only emotion for our children to regulate. Over-excitement, fear, worry, jealousy, embarrassment, guilt, overwhelm, and silliness are just a few more examples of emotions that may need calming, though please note that calm and regulation are not the same!  Calming Strategies are Really Regulating Strategies Regulation is being able to recognize and modulate your emotions. It has nothing to do with achieving a certain state, but rather regulation is having your response to whatever emotion you are feeling be in your control. It’s mindful awareness, connecting with yourself and your emotion to listen to your needs at that moment, and this is what we can teach our children.  The message isn’t “don’t be mad” but how to be mad. Not “worry is useless,” but here’s how to calm your anxiety. When we label emotions as bad, we shut down important messages, but when we show our kids how to recognize, name, and regulate those emotions, they’ll learn true emotional intelligence.  According to a paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004), the emotional life of toddlers and preschoolers is complex. Notably, the authors say, “The emotional health of young children is closely tied to the emotional and social characteristics of the environments in which they live.”  While differences in temperament are part of their biological makeup, their experiences are coded in their brain circuitry, and what we both model and teach regarding emotions affects how their brain circuits get “wired.” The early childhood years are critical for learning positive ways to deal with one’s emotional world as the brain's emotional center and the prefrontal cortex (where empathy, reasoning, and self-control lie) rapidly develop. This is the ideal time to introduce your child to The Time-In ToolKit and to create a Calming Corner in your home. I’ll discuss a little more about how to incorporate these tools in some calming strategies below. The Calming Strategies That May Do More Harm Now back to my original point. It turns out that strategies such as punching a pillow, stomping feet, screaming into a cushion, etc., may do more harm than good. I once thought these were appropriate tools to “get the anger out,” but research now tells us that these actions do not help us calm down. In fact, they continue the adrenaline rush that fuels the hostility. Iowa State University psychologist Brad Bushman, Ph.D., says, “Expressing anger actually increases aggression.”  He and his colleagues asked subjects to write an essay and to inspire anger, they handed it back to them with brutal critique. Next, the essay writers were asked to deliver bursts of noise to either the person who had insulted their paper or an innocent bystander. Angry participants who’d hit a punching bag before administering the sounds were twice as cruel in their choice of noise length and volume as those who had just sat quietly before performing the task. Furthermore, “they were aggressive toward both types of people,” said Bushman, “and that’s scary.” In fact, teaching your child to hit or scream into something when angry may train their brain to link anger and aggression, creating a counterproductive cycle. The rush they get from releasing aggression may become addictive. It may quickly become difficult for your little one to keep the hitting to the pillow! 5 Calming Strategies to Help Your Child Regulate Their Emotions 1. Help your child name their emotions The Feelings Faces Poster included in The Time-InToolKit is great for helping your child identify what they are feeling. They can then choose one of the activities from the Calming Strategies Poster to practice. This interactive Feelings Poster guides children through the process of emotional regulation by first helping them identify what emotion they are feeling and then providing suggestions for different fun activities they can use to help them calm their bodies. 2. Incorporate mindful movements Teaching your child how to move their body mindfully to create feelings of relaxation and calmness is beneficial. Inversion is a remarkable calming tool as it stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, producing feelings of relaxation and calm. Here are three mindful movements to try: Downward-facing dog. Begin on your hands and knees, curl your toes under, straighten your knees, and lift your hips! This is a relaxing inversion exercise! Stand like a flamingo. Simply balance on one leg and then switch! Palm presses. This is a good mindful movement for when your child needs to remain seated. Simply have them close their eyes and press their palms together firmly. Focus on the breath and the feeling of the palms.  3. Engage the five senses This grounding exercise for calming anxiety and stress will also help dissipate anger. Choose one sense (sight, smell, hearing, feeling, taste) and focus attention on it. For example, ask your child to look (sight) for the red objects in the room and name them. Red bear. Red cup. Red pen. Likewise, feel different objects around you and name their texture. Soft bear. Bumpy cardboard. Smooth tile. Continue this exercise until your breathing and heart rate slow to normal.  4. Teach breathing exercises  Teach breathing exercises such as blowing out finger candles and elephant breathing. The first is self-explanatory but for elephant breathing, teach your child to clasp their hands together and raise their arms up high (like an elephant’s trunk) as they take a big breath in. Now exhale and bend at the waist, taking the arms (trunk) down and between the legs.  5. Teach children to do a body scan  Start at the top of the head and scan down to the feet, noticing any tension or bad feelings in the body. Relax the parts where tension is felt. As it turns out, these calming strategies are great for adults too. Ask me how I know. ;) Practice these regularly with your child when they are calm and happy so that they will feel more natural when it’s time to use them. It will take time and consistency for this to become a habit.  As always when talking about child development, it won’t work 100% of the time, but teaching these calming strategies now will help your child build positive lifelong skills and increase their emotional intelligence. And remember, connection and PLAY are the world's very best teachers.

I grew up in poverty. We did not take beach vacations. I never saw Disney World or even so much as visited a museum. But every summer, we took a one-day trip to a rinky-dink amusement park in the hills of West Virginia. It was our “big trip” of the season, and I was always incredibly excited for it. As a child, the only thing that mattered to me was spending time as a family having fun. Recently, I took my own children to that same tiny park, and so the tradition lives on. What’s the Purpose of Traditions? Family traditions don’t have to be big to be bold. They come in all shapes and sizes, from the smallest repeated gestures to the grand celebrations. Any activity that your family does ritualistically can be considered tradition. Often, they start rather unintentionally as families naturally discover what they enjoy doing together and repeat those experiences.  Other traditions are set with intention, either because they’ve been passed down from generation to generation or because we want to purposefully create a sense of togetherness and unity within our family systems.  They can be used to create structure and a sense of safety, two things that all children benefit from. Traditions can reflect your family values, such as donating toys or volunteering regularly. Or they can ensure that we slow down and spend time together in an otherwise busy and buzzing life. They are a way of staying connected. Family traditions hold a special place in our hearts, creating fond memories that are borne out of every board game, road trip, or celebration. They give us a shared identity and strengthen our bonds. They nurture feelings of belonging, and there is even some suggestion that family traditions promote better emotional adjustment. Dr. Steven Wolin, a psychiatrist at the George Washington University, says, “If you grow up in a family with strong rituals, you’re more likely to be resilient as an adult. We know that either way, there are strong benefits to feeling emotionally connected to our loved ones. The Culture of Busyness is Wreaking Havoc on Family Systems We are living in times where parents are working longer, kids are schooling longer, and everyone is glued to their devices when not working or schooling. It seems that every moment of every day is being gobbled up and we are just too distracted to notice. Perhaps we need traditions and rituals now more than ever.  Traditions have the power to bring us back to one another. Whether that is around the campfire or the Monopoly board, we are offered a chance to come face to face with those we love. In doing so, we are reminded that time is short and that children do not stay children for long. Traditions are a way for us to celebrate one another and this wild and beautiful life. 10 Traditions to Start with Your Family 1. Take a picture in the same place every year on the first day of school. You won’t believe how much bigger they will look than last year. 2. Go on monthly Mommy/Daddy dates. These are a great way for children to get the one-on-one attention they crave. 3. Create a time capsule every year, either on a child’s birthday or perhaps New Year’s Eve. 4. Create a family fight song. You can use a well-known tune as a foundation and change the words to suit your family. Use it as a cheer when a family member accomplishes something or as a pep rally to help pump someone up for a big day!  5. Create seasonal traditions like visiting a pumpkin patch every fall and snow tubing every winter.  6. Keep a weekly game night, movie night, or some other family activity that you enjoy. 7. Make up handshakes, code words, or special symbols that only have meaning for your family.  8. Have the same breakfast on a holiday morning, such as pancakes with sprinkles on Christmas or shaped into a bunny face on Easter.  9. Hold weekly family meetings and ask everyone to share one thing they appreciate about a member of the family. 10. Start a tradition where everyone donates an unwanted item every time they receive a new gift. This helps keep down clutter and teaches responsibility!

Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? Crying ruffles us. Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother’s brain when she hears her baby’s cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother? Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone” because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby’s cries.  The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.  However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?  And it doesn’t even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it’s very effective in its design. When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to “sleep train” or to “ignore a tantrum” so as not to “reinforce bad behavior,” I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.  My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn’t even escalate into cries because I couldn’t stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn’t do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don’t condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won’t even get into how it affects the baby’s brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.  The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be “tough.” I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the “drama king or queen” teen who is crying “over nothing.”  All throughout parenthood, I’ve been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice. Crying is Communication To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what’s going on internally for them. SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.  Comforting him won’t make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don’t feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.  If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don’t have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The “boundaries with empathy” option allows you to say, “I see that you are upset about the cookie.  That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much.” She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.  The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won’t buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn’t get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn’t resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.  FAQ Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom? From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood. Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else? It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best.

Show up both firm and kind Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.  Meltdowns It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship. This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.  Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions. If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.  You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.  Backtalk All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem. During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate. Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.  It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play." For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.  Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.” It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation. Not Listening When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen? Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation. Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.  Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.  Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.   Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting. 

When you must choose between showing power or showing love, choose love. When our children speak to us disrespectfully, roll their eyes, or slam doors, it can be tough to stay grounded. These are triggering behaviors for most parents, and most of the time, our immediate reaction is to wield our parental power to make it stop, whether that’s through punishing them or showing our own bigger, bad-er attitude.  “Don’t you dare talk to me that way! You’re grounded!”  This instinctive and understandably defensive, triggered reaction can actually worsen the cycle of disrespect and punishment. Rather than engaging in this negative cycle, it’s helpful to learn to look beyond the behavior and manage our own reactions.  From child development research we know that an outward display of disrespect by a young child is the result of some kind of inner discomfort or pain. We also know that meeting disrespect with more disrespect adds fuel to the fire and closes the doorway to connection.  At the same time, as adults, we deserve to be treated with respect. This is an important lesson for children to learn as well. So what's a parent to do? 7 tips for handling disrespect 1. When your child is disrespectful to you, take a moment to check in with yourself and address what you are feeling.  Self-control is key here, and it takes dedication and practice.  Let go of the fear that meeting a disrespectful child with patience will somehow cause more disrespect to occur. This is one of the myths about positive parenting. We often fear that, if we don’t come down hard, we are being permissive, but this isn’t true.  By remaining calm and kind, we are modeling how to be an adult. We are exhibiting the maturity we want them to develop. 2. Let them know you see them.  Say things like, “I can see you’re feeling upset with me. I am feeling disappointed too. I had no idea the zoo was closed on Mondays.”  Validating the emotion is not validating the behavior. They are separate, and your ability to stay regulated when your child is acting out helps them learn to separate their feelings from their actions. Once they realize they can feel a sad or mad feeling and, at the very same time, still have a choice in their response, the tables will begin to turn. This is how young children learn to regulate emotions. When you model emotional regulation yourself, you are teaching it! 3. Go a step further. Briefly address the tone or disrespect.  “I can see you’re upset with me. I understand how you’re feeling, and being rude isn’t helpful right now. We are on the same team.”  4. Hold your boundary.  Ask your child if they need space right now or if they’d like to talk about their feelings. “Do you want to take a few minutes to calm your body? I want to help, and I’m happy to talk with you about this when you’re ready.”  Or, if your child becomes more upset when you talk, it is helpful to get them to a quiet space and focus on regulating your own emotions. One strategy you can both use and model that requires no words at all is Four Square Breathing: Take a deep breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds and then exhale for four seconds. Hold for four seconds, then repeat. If your child is being aggressive in any way toward you or is hurling insults, state your boundary clearly. “I don’t feel comfortable with the words you’re using. Let's talk about this when we are both calmer. Until then, I’m going to my room.”  Remember, gentle parent, just because you practice positive parenting, loving relationships come with boundaries, and asserting your boundaries both firmly and respectfully teaches your child to do the same. This is the opposite of co-dependence and a wonderful skill set for children to have modeled for them. 5. Stay curious.  Once everyone is breathing again and things have de-escalated, asking questions about the behaviors you just witnessed can help you discover what initiated it.  Are there problems at school? A disagreement with a friend? Is your child feeling jealous of their new little brother or sister?  Responding rather than reacting allows you to address the root cause of challenging behaviors, helping the challenging behavior to dissolve as well.  6. Calmly discuss with your child how they can better express their feelings.  For example, you might take the opportunity to model the difference in the tone your child used when they were upset with their friend versus what a more respectful tone sounds like. You might even share a few examples of phrases or words a child could use as an alternative to help them communicate the wants and needs they were having trouble expressing.  By breaking these skills down and giving your child alternatives, you are modeling and thus reinforcing positive communication skills. Talking through and modeling these skills is a crucial step. Without being taught how to regulate big and often overwhelming feelings, children will often resort back to challenging (unwanted) behaviors.  For example, by practicing the social-emotional skills of noticing and naming how they are feeling using the "What Can I Do?" Activity Mat found in the Time-In ToolKit, children as young as even two or three begin to learn what it feels like in their body to feel anger or sadness (aka self-awareness) and what they can do about these big feelings when they do (aka emotional regulation).  By practicing calming strategies in moments of not only chaos but calm, children can learn the vital life skills necessary to replace the often confusing, disrespectful behaviors that leave us scratching our heads.  7. Build your relationship.  Sometimes disrespect is a sign that our kids are feeling disconnected or unseen. Disconnection happens for a variety of reasons and does not necessarily mean a parent or an adult is "at fault". It simply means a child is asking for more connection, love, and/or attention.  Focus on giving your child lots of encouragement, positive affirmations, and positive attention. Laugh together. Spend distraction-free quality time with one another.   Disrespectful behavior is a normal response for an underdeveloped, reactive brain. Our response to this normal behavior determines whether a negative cycle ensues or our relationship is strengthened.  Choosing love and learning over power and control in moments of chaos is hard work to be sure. This is the work of generational healing. It doesn't happen overnight or without effort, but it is the most important work we can do as parents.

Do you ever feel like a piece of you gets lost in Motherhood? By Leselle Theus It was only dinner, or so I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to go to dinner. I love going out to dinner. But, in the last four years, I could count on my fingers how many times I indulged in this sweet pleasure of mine, which was a bummer because going out to a new or old favorite restaurant was “my thing!” I loved it so much that it actually didn’t matter if the dinner was a one or five-star rating because, in my eyes, it was the experience that made my heart smile.  So sitting at the restaurant with my friend felt familiar, and it was lovely.  Actually, it turned out to be more than lovely.  This dinner CHANGED MY LIFE! It produced a feeling in me that I hadn’t felt in a while.  I got home and walked through the door … practically skipping … floating, even. “Hello, my boys!” I sang, with my chipper greeting being returned by strange looks from my husband and 4-year-old.  But I didn’t care. I. WAS. HAPPY. Why did this dinner produce such a high? Why? Because it was ME. It was 100% me! I realized that when I became a mom, I gave up on myself. I can’t tell you why, but somewhere in the last four years, I thought that I couldn’t be both me and mom. One had to head to the guillotine. And sadly and quietly, I did.   What followed next was joy in motherhood. Delight in pouring into this brilliant, tiny human. Yet, there was also a silent mourning for me which masked itself in my overwhelm; in my pensive states; in silent screams of “something is missing.” Despite this, I was quick to self-reprimand with the guilt for wanting more, yet having so much to be grateful for.  I love my family. But this fraction of a person longed to walk in wholeness again. It was a longing that felt like a shadow that I couldn’t make out, until now. The shadow was me, wanting to emerge from the background to its rightful place. So even though I couldn’t have foreseen it, going to dinner that afternoon was not just going to dinner. It was reintroducing me to what I love. To what fills me up. To what makes my heart smile. It reintroduced me to Me.  Here’s the reality. I didn’t have to choose. I just had to pivot. I just had to learn the balance. The balance of what makes me and the balance of filling up and pouring out. Now that I have, it feels great. I am feeling better than I have ever felt in four years.  What was I thinking? What are you thinking? Trying to mom on E(mpty)? Trying to mom without being 100% you? Your family benefits, somewhat. You benefit in no way. But everyone will benefit if you are 100% you. Monthly dinners are now on the calendar for me. I’ll get to late-night dinners again soon. But for now, reservation at five, please, so I can fill up and then head home to my family to pour out.  Welcome back, Leselle. I missed you. Reparent Yourself Intergenerational healing is about progress... not perfection.  By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself and others.  If you would like guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle. Lifetime Access to 20 Interactive Courses, Guided Meditations, Healing Movement, and Other Transformative Resources. The Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle is available at 94% Off Savings for a limited time.