Mindful Moments Blog

When we learn to suppress unpleasant emotions as a child, we become adults whose conditioned self masquerades as our authentic self. This dampens our human experience (and affects our mental health and parenting). Here's how to break the cycle. 

Maybe what she needed was to be seen, heard, and validated. For someone to tell her that she didn’t have to be that scared child anymore. Here are 5 ways to show compassion to a fellow parent and 3 ways to re-parent your inner child.

While we may not remember our childhood with our mind and verbal words, our body keeps the score and stores the information it receives from our formative years, namely which parts of us to grow and which to shrink. These downloads show up as patterns in adulthood and in our parenting. Read more. 

Motherhood can feel like the synonym of should. No matter what we do, there will always be someone to tell us we didn't do enough, or maybe that we did too much. Learn what your guilt is telling you, and how to move through it to find your authentic self! 

Do you use toxic discipline when raising your child? Here are 5 signs that you may. Learn how your childhood influenced your parenting and gain tips for healing both the relationship you have with yourself and the one you share with your child.

What is a trigger, why do we have them and why are we so dang triggered by our kids?!

We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection and fear with safety. She grabbed their tiny wrists and yanked them out of the door and led them through the parking lot. I couldn’t hear her words but she was enraged like a bear, towering over her children as they sat on the curb looking at their feet.  My boys and I were sitting outside the restaurant at a table eating some cheeseburgers when I witnessed this mom with her children. They looked about the same age as my own, around three and five. The commotion caught my oldest’s attention, too. His curious gaze became fixed. His smile faded. And together, we watched as the children were pulled yet again across the parking lot and to a table next to us.  Her children were now instructed to stand against the wall to “not move … not say a word.” When they did wiggle or giggle, she yelled, “I dare you to move or say something. Do it. And see what happens.”  The children stood there as their food arrived, again looking at their feet. One last time, the mom approached them, mumbled some words, and then slapped their wrists as she called her children liars. The kids were now crying and the mom looked on the verge of exploding from anger and possibly into tears. My stomach was turning. My heart was racing. My hands were sweating. I wanted to go over and say something … to advocate for these children and embrace them in a protective hug. I wanted to tell this mom that she was on the same team as these babies she loves, and that hurt was happening, physically, and, even more profoundly in this instance, emotionally.  As I was contemplating my move (mind my own business or bellow out), the children moved from the wall and ate their dinner. My husband urged me to finish my burger and let it be, but I had lost my appetite. And the pit in my stomach stayed with me the entire ride home.  Deep into the depths of my heart and thoughts, my shift somehow, surprisingly, turned from those children to the mom. As I peered over my shoulder toward the backseat at my own children, I became curious about the why beneath her behavior. My disdain melted a bit and made way for an inkling of compassion.  I found myself wanting to hug the child within her. My training has taught me that the things we struggle with as adults are adaptations from our own youth. We are all looking to survive, and as children, we learn which parts of us lead to connection and safety and which parts of us lead to punishment and isolation. We learn to grow the parts of us that our system wants. Instead of seeing an enraged mom, I began to see this woman like a scared child herself, seeking the same things she was robbing her children of - the feelings of safety, power, and connection. It was possible that the ways she was reared or that the impulses her body stored from her own childhood were now coming up and out of her as an adult and were being directed toward her children. And it reminded me to stay curious, because the parents we become, are often influenced by the children we had to be: The parent who struggles with their child’s big emotions was often the child who was taught it was unsafe to feel. The parent who uses punitive punishment was often the child who was spanked, isolated, yelled at, or shamed. The parent who is a people pleaser was often the child who had to be a parent pleaser. The parent who feels she isn’t worthy or enough was often the child who was told her wants and desires were wrong or bad. The parent who yells was often the child who had to internally yell “stop!” to avoid threatening his attachment with caregivers. The parent who has poor self-talk was often the child who wasn’t allowed to express her frustration or give answers that the adult in her life didn’t want to hear. The parent who struggles with setting boundaries and asking for what they need was often the child who felt they had to choose between inconveniencing their caregiver and getting their needs met. Compassion For Another This mom’s actions had a story to tell. And I was listening. While I may never see that woman and her children again, it got me thinking: What if we held compassion for the authoritarian adult … the one who uses time-outs, spanking, or other punitive measures?  This isn’t the same as condoning any behavior that is detrimental to a child. Because I am not. What I am saying is, what if we also see the child within the adult who had to adapt … or who experienced shame, blame, and pain and help them replace those narratives with safety, love, and connection within themselves? Could that not be more effective than further shaming them for parenting practices that were likely handed down to them?  It is possible that the more we perpetuate the cycle of shame, blame, and pain, the more the adult retreats to those protective mechanisms they put in place long ago, and the more they are dug in towards their own children. We carry the energy of our lineage. It takes awareness and real courage to be a generational cycle breaker - to be a pivot point that says, “This stops here.” So instead of meeting that authoritarian parent with more shame, what if we met them with compassion?  Here are 5 ways to show compassion for another parent: Give a smile  Empathize  Offer to help (when appropriate)  Share encouraging words Validate their experience  Compassion For Self If you find that you are the parent who practices punitive measures or any parent at all for that matter, here are 3 ways to rewire your mental and emotional circuits for more connection in your home:  1. Notice Triggers When your children do (fill in the blank), you feel (fill in the blank). This requires us to pause and reflect on the energy that comes up within us when our children (or anyone for that matter) behaves in a certain way.  Our triggers show us the parts of us that were shut down in our own childhood. When we feel ourselves become elevated by something externally, we can choose to go internally. This means that instead of perpetuating the cycle that shuts down our kids or attempts to control them, we reclaim our power and notice which parts of us were suppressed - this is an opportunity to grow those parts.  So this step is all about noticing. When (fill in the blank) happens … I think __. I feel __. I can __. 2. Teach About Feelings We may think that emotional education is for our children and it is. Yet, it’s also for the child that lives inside of us, too. While we have the science, most of us parents lack the skills to notice, name, and effectively manage our emotions, which makes it tricky to teach our children.  Our children come into this world with the capability to feel and without the ability to self-regulate. And when their developing brain and big emotions encounter our child-self, fireworks (aka power struggles) can happen. But here’s the really cool thing. Only we know what our child-self needs and we can now, as an adult, meet those needs while we teach and guide our own children.  Using Time-Ins as a daily ritual is a powerful way to build connections and teach about emotions and calming strategies. Feelings posters and mantra cards create a sensorial way to engage children so that they are intrinsically motivated to play with the tools when regulated and can better access them during dysregulation. Spending five to ten minutes a day learning about emotions and sharing when you felt happy, sad, calm, and mad, not only teaches your child but strengthens those circuits in you.  3. Spend Time With Your Inner Child As parents, we spend time with our children. No brainer, right? But there’s a child inside of us who needs our attention, too.  Using all of your senses, time travel back to a memory from your childhood. Visualize it as if you were there right now. What does it feel like? What do you see? What are you wearing? What can you hear? And so forth.  Maybe start with a memory that feels good and familiar. And then shift to a more challenging, painful, or less familiar memory. See and feel yourself as that child.  And then imagine your adult-self, and meet that child version of you. Give her/him what she/he needed at that moment. Spend five to ten minutes a day doing this.  When we revisit a memory and add a different experience, we have the power to rewire circuits and change the memory. We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection, and fear with safety. If you find that these memories are hard to find, you can read more here. It would have been easy for me to write off the woman from the restaurant as a bad parent. But maybe what she needed, and has always needed, was to be seen, heard, and validated. For someone to tell her that she didn’t have to be that scared child anymore. And that she can break the cycle. 

In all of our loving intent, we sometimes commit parenting DUI's, which can send our children into a protective response. Here are 3 ways to break the cycle, not only for your child but for your inner child, too.

Teach kids how to feel, not NOT to feel. Seems a little weird to think about, doesn’t it? Teaching kids how to feel. I mean, most days it seems like they have that part down pretty well. Their emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, fly out of them as all sorts of behaviors. They whine, cry, hit, snatch the block, or use their whole body to communicate their wants and desires. Our emotions are energy in motion. They are always looking for a way to be expressed. Our children know how to feel the sensations in their bodies, but they have yet to learn how to share them in productive ways. So when I say “teach kids how to feel, " I mean orienting them to notice and communicate in healthy ways instead of suppressing and denying. A pretty tall order for us parents - to teach how to feel, especially when we were taught NOT to feel. That’s where I was… standing in a big puddle of “What do I do now?” until I found the Time-In-ToolKit. Having all the feeling posters and activities in one kit seemed like a really good starting point for me – a busy mom who really didn’t have time for more on her plate. Fast forward to receiving the ToolKit and reading the manual, it became clear that these tools weren’t only to help me guide my son, but they were a compass for my internal climate too. I had this a-ha moment, realizing that parenting my son started with me. Him managing his emotions started with me managing mine. The first thing we did was set up our family Calming Space together, hanging our posters, and filling the area with a cozy bean bag, stuffies, mantra cards, sensory toys, and other activities my son favored. He was excited to have a nook in the house that was dedicated to “mama time” as he called it. We spent weeks taking little trips to our space, reading, cuddling, coloring, and basically following my kiddo’s lead in play. I found that these moments became the balm to our sometimes stressful days. Because play is so motivating to our children, I decided to use it as a starting point to teach my son about his feeling sensations. We began with the basics – happy, sad, calm, and mad. We talked about what those emotions felt like in our bodies. We played feeling bingo and charades. We mimicked our feeling faces in the mirror. We read stories, pausing to notice the characters’ feelings. And, for a few minutes each night before bed, we shared: When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today? Now am I going to say that when my son had a meltdown he automatically went to his Calming Space to share how he felt… no. Sometimes he initiated it. Sometimes I did. Sometimes he wanted to go. Sometimes he didn’t. But the more we practiced, the more he seemed to make those connections. And because I have been reading up on brain development, I trust that as we prime his brain with repetition and consistency and as he matures neurologically, he will be able to access all of our co-regulation experiences to self-regulate down the road. While he may be a 20-year-old-something at some point with emotions similar to his two-year-old self, my hope is that he will be more prepared to know how to feel and express them given the foundation we are establishing now.  When it comes to me using the ToolKit for myself, am I going to say that it totally curbed my adult meltdowns? No. There are times I yell or resort to impatient parenting. Those generational cycles are hard to break. I like to think of myself as a work in progress. But the more I practice using the Corner myself, the more I am able to model self-awareness, boundaries, and emotional control for my son.  I will never be a perfect mom, and there are many things that I will surely do that cause me to wonder if it was the “right” thing. But this, this I know deep in my soul that I am on to something here, everyday building connection with my son as I parent and re-parent our home. 

3 Steps To Blast Through The Shame And Reclaim Your Power The memes are swirling again. You only get 18 summers with your children. Make it count! Don’t miss out on a single second! You’re running out of time! Make sure you give them an epic summer! The clock is ticking! Don’t fail them! I understand the sentiment, really. It’s meant to be a reminder to pay attention and soak it in. No harm meant. Much like “your children are only little once” and “enjoy every second.”  But how these sentiments land really depends on one’s current state - emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, etc.  When you’re struggling, these well-meaning sentiments land like a swift slap to the cheek. They can induce waves of guilt and not-enoughness as we: Share custody with a co-parent, only getting half of the summer Navigate the troubled waters of a mentally or physically ill child Work extra shifts, multiple jobs, or longer hours to make ends meet Feel grief and loss or fight the darkness that is descending Attempt to rebuild broken relationships or shattered dreams Lack the financial capability to trek to Disney or beaches Feel complete exhaustion from running in circles daily Work to piece together childcare solutions because work doesn’t break for the summer Crave alone time because you’re now a 24/7 jungle gym for little ones There have been periods in my life when those inspirational memes and quotes did just that - inspired me. They landed softly. Sweetly. They stirred something positive in me.  This summer, when my life is upside down and nothing looks the way it’s supposed to, they land hard and it stings. They leave me feeling deeply ashamed and inferior. It is not the fault of the meme-sharer. While it lands hard on me, it is landing softly on countless other parents, gently encouraging and nudging them along their paths, inspiring connection and presence.  No, it is not incumbent on those who share such things to make sure I am okay enough to read them. My reaction is my own, and rather than spiraling into the shame it evokes, I can notice my not-enoughness - my guilty reaction - and take some important steps. Step One: Notice My reaction to “you only get 18 years” landed hard because my kids are teenagers. I don’t have anywhere close to 18 left. I have only 2 left with one child, and 4 left with another. When you’re staring at the end of a journey, well, there are a whole lot of emotions.  Not only is my time left with them extremely limited, but shared custody limits it more. Now the pressure is really on. I need to provide the most awesome final childhood memories. But wait, financially, things are strapped. We won’t be flying to Disney World like so many of our friends. We won’t spend a week lounging in front of the Atlantic.  It’s no wonder the well-meaning sentiment hit so hard. But now that I’ve noticed the sting and paid attention to its message, I can make the conscious decision not to spiral into the shame it initially evoked.  Your reasons for the sting are different, but I want you to know they are valid. You’re not being silly or overly sensitive. You have permission to feel it all - your disappointment, frustration, sadness, grief - whatever is bubbling up to the surface for you, let it come. Feel your feelings and breathe.  Step Two: Choose Compassion Now that we’ve noticed the frenzy of feelings that are coming up for us, let’s meet them with compassion. Let’s hold ourselves in a safe space while they wash over us, and then allow them to go, appreciating the messages they brought but not holding on to them.  I have to purposefully choose to be heavy on the self-affirmations this summer - to dose up self-love and self-care because myself is hurting and needs to heal. When the shame gremlins whisper in my ear, when they speak to me of my inferiority, mistakes, and failures, I have to look them in the eye and whisper back “I am enough.” And even though I may not believe it at that moment, I may not truly feel enough, I will repeat it because the little girl within is listening.  Step Three: Own What I Can Do When I focus on everything I cannot do or provide this summer, I feel despair. But when I focus on what I can do, I feel empowered.  I can make and accept bids for connection. I can be present and give my full attention at times. I can stop worrying about tomorrow. I can take a short trip. I can build them up and share my love. I can leave the past where it belongs. I can choose love over fear. I can enjoy the days we have together, and if not the whole day, at least a part of it. Maybe I can’t give my children a magical summer, but I can help make it lovely. I can’t fly them to Universal Studios but I can make sure they feel seen and valued and deeply, deeply loved. As for me, I can take the next small step toward rebuilding a life that I love. I can rest in the knowledge that this difficult stage is only temporary, as all stages are. And most importantly, I can acknowledge that life doesn’t end when my kids hit 18. I will have lifelong relationships with them, and there will be many, many more opportunities for grand adventures, epic trips, and great memory-making. Sure, childhood may be nearing its end, but life - well life is just getting started, isn’t it? A new stage is coming, and I have a feeling it’s going to get much better. 

Children are wired to seek approval from their caregivers because it is how they are designed to survive. How we respond as parents to our children’s intuition and their bids to voice their consent greatly impacts their ability to speak their truth, set boundaries, and trust who they are. Read more. 

You know you are a parent if you have ever questioned your qualifications for the job. You may be asking yourself, How do I know I am not messing up my children every time I pitfall into conditioned habits? Whatever your wounding patterns are, these tips can help you embrace your enoughness as a cycle breaker.

Unlike many of our parents who repressed, denied, ignored, or shamed their own feelings, resulting in abusive explosions and emotional neglect, becoming a cycle breaker means that we commit to FACE-ing our emotions with clarity and deep compassion. Here's how to use FACE (Feel, Amplify, Connect, and Embrace), a 4-step process, to break cycles.

I yell. I was yelled at. My guess is, my parents were yelled at too. Poor emotional regulation - and its wounding - has been handed down from one generation to another. Here are 4 effective ways to break the cycle so that our children don't have to carry that shame. It stops with us.