Mindful Moments Blog

When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. Was I ever going to be a mom? That was a hard no for me.  I never daydreamed about a future of growing a round belly to carry life. Or swaying a baby to sleep or bouncing a toddler on my hip. I never imagined myself in a role where I was needed so completely and loved so profoundly.  The younger 20-something version of me shut this part down. Maybe it was the fascination of my time being mine. Or maybe it was the back-to-back loss of my brother and father. Or maybe the doctor who said it would never happen anyways.  Either way … not for me. Parenting? Pass.  But life has a way of shaking up what you think you know and turning it on its head. As two pink lines turned into blue onesies and doe-brown eyes, my response changed.  Was I ever going to be a mom? I couldn’t imagine myself as anything else.  Parenthood is the ultimate journey - not only in getting to know our children but in growing (and testing) ourselves, too. Here are 12 things I have learned as a mother - principles to live by.  1. I am qualified.  Took me a bit to believe this one. But I am. And so are you. The gig doesn’t come with a manual, which means we are the manual. I spent so much time on Dr. Google with my first, searching for answers to questions that usually started with “Is this normal when …” or “What do you do when …”  that I overlooked the little whisper of intuition deep inside. We are all the exact parents our children need. Our children already know this, and it’s time for us to believe it, too.  2. It all starts with me.  This may be the biggest Einstein moment for me - my deepest revelation about parenting. Parenting isn’t just about raising small humans into adults, it is equally about reparenting the child inside of us. I have come to recognize that there is a little girl within me who cries out to be seen and heard, and she throws her biggest tantrums in the face of my children’s challenging behaviors. It isn’t about my boys and what they are doing, it is about the way I perceive what they are doing. And the things I struggle with the most now when parenting are the things I had to suppress within me when I was a child. Phew. Lots to chew on there.  3. Parenting is a relationship.  I used to think parenting was something parents did to their children, but I realize now that it is way more relational than that. There are a pair of wants, needs, desires, and perspectives here, not just mine. Just because one set belongs to a pint-sized human doesn’t mean that they are any less valid, worthy, or important. Younger in age doesn’t equate to an inferior human.  4. I will mess up. Despite my best loving intentions, I am going to miss the mark a time or two (or a zillion). I am going to yell or say or do something I’d like to take back. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. But, because of this, I am going to get really good at making repairs. So, forget what you see on social - that is only part of the story. No one is perfect. No one.  5. Everything is temporary. Ev-er-y-thing. Those sleep challenges where you feel like you’re reliving groundhog’s day … temporary. You will sleep again. How about those tricky milestones of power struggles, meltdowns, and tantrums? Also temporary. The sarcastic tween stage and the “I know it all” teen phase … temporary. Doesn’t mean these moments aren’t hard, they are, and they can feel like they stretch on for eternity. But, do you know what else is also temporary? Their littleness … the way they snuggle in your nook or say your name a million times (“mom … mom … mom”), the afternoons of play, the nights of laying with them until they fall asleep … there will be a last time for it all. And as one chapter closes, another will open, with its challenges and its blessings.  6. Sometimes it’s okay to lower the bar.  I had BIG ideas about how I would parent. No processed food. No screen time. No ugly cartoon tee shirts. But somewhere along the line, I realized that it was okay to lower the bar from time to time, to shift, to give in here and there, especially when in survival mode. Totally exhausted, run-down, depleted, overwhelmed, need a break - I mean, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make it through. I always strive to do my best. Sometimes that’s a 10, and sometimes it is a two. I am no less a mom on my 10 days than I am on the days of a two. 7. The checkboxes aren’t as important as the connection.  I remember a little face looking back at me waiting for me to answer the question he had already asked 60 times, and legitimately, I didn’t hear him once. My mind was on the laundry, dinner, errands, how to juggle schedules, making the perfect birthday cupcakes … about a hundred other things, none of which included my child at that moment. Our children don’t care about our to-do list. They care about our presence. Time is precious. Don’t focus on those things you will forget about next week, and don’t let it create friction in your relationship. Focus it on what is important - the quality (not quantity) of time and connection with your child.  8. I don’t want obedient kids.  I used to think that I wanted kids who listened and did as I said. And while submission may be an easier parenting approach in the short game, it creates issues down the road. I want my children to be able to say no - to me, their peers, or anyone or anything that doesn’t align with their intuition. I don’t want to punish or control my kids to make them behave, listen, or comply. I want to raise children who think for themselves, follow their bliss, and aren’t scared to go against the grain.  9. Behavior serves as a function.  I used to think that my child was giving me a hard time anytime challenging behavior arose. At one point, that was like every three minutes. It was super frustrating and I started to resent the little human I loved so much. But then, I realized something pretty amazing. All behavior is communication. Under the meltdowns and tantrums was always an unmet need or lagging skill that was making it challenging for him to meet an expectation. Behavior is never the problem, it is the symptom. And when we solve the problem at its core, the behavior regulates itself.  10. Kids aren’t mini-adults.  Biologically, neurologically, and emotionally, our kids are kids, not adults. Most of the behaviors we label as defiant are actually development. Whining, fluctuating big emotions, impulsivity, not listening, hitting their sibling, lying, trouble sharing … all the things lead back to brain development. The part of their brain responsible for these high-level skills is immature and the part of the brain that tells them to fight, flight, or freeze is fully developed, so it only makes sense that they will use the tools they have. We are the adults with a fully formed brain and it is our role to teach, guide, and model for their developing one.  11. Emotional education is the bomb. Want your kids to stop being little hotheads who run through the house like a bat out of hell? Want to connect with them and build an attachment where they feel safe, seen, and validated so that your toddler or teen lets you into their world? Want to promote academic success? Emotional education is where it’s at. Teach your kids how to notice, name, and manage what they feel, and model doing the same. It builds the foundation for everything.  12. I matter too.  In the 18 (plus) years where your world revolves around your kids, remember that you also matter. I love being a mom, and that is one of the biggest parts of me, but, it isn’t the only part. I still want to do a yoga class or take a walk alone. I still want to follow my career dreams. I still need my girlfriends. And I want to date my husband so I don’t forget how cool we really are together. There will be seasons for all of it. Release any pressure to do it right, and remember that self-care is a mindset. Pause to notice what you want and then give yourself what you need, no matter how big or small.  When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. I have learned so much and am sure I have more yet to discover. Focus on where you are right now because the journey - not the end - is the magic. Learn More About Reparenting By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.  If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.  Normally $197, marked down to just $47 when you checkout today. Heal your past, tame your triggers, change your life. Get lifetime access to 15+ incredible resources from top parenting experts in this one-of-a-kind offering. Check out the speaker lineup and topics in this helpful Reparent Yourself journal. Join today and: 💚 Break generational patterns 💚 Let go of conflict avoidance and perfectionism 💚 Replace codependent behaviors with self-care

Time-Ins are for all the children in the home and that includes the one that lives within us. We think that parenting is about our kids - something we do to them to make them kind, smart, "good," responsible, etc.  But truly, parenting is something we have with our children. It's a relationship, and that relationship starts with the one we have with ourselves. The way we parent our children is directly related to our childhood. The things that trigger us now tend to be the same things denied or suppressed in us as children. It can make parenting our kids incredibly challenging. Their development often charges our emotions, and we yell, lecture, threaten, or do things that we later cry about in the bathroom. (Anyone else?)  Interested in learning more about reparenting? Check out our Reparent Yourself Online Summit and get lifetime access to 15+ incredible resources from top parenting experts.  Re-Parenting Our Triggers Take a moment to think of a current-day trigger with your child - a moment when your emotional response was disproportionate to what was actually happening. As you reflect, ask yourself these questions and write down your answers.  What was I feeling in my body when this happened? What thoughts were running through my mind?  What goal did I have for my child at that moment?  If I canceled that goal for my child, what new goal could I set for myself that involves my thoughts, words, feelings, and actions?  When we understand the answers to these questions, 1) we create a gap between what our children do and who they are, 2) we take responsibility for our own responses, and 3) we move outside control-based parenting and into connection-based parenting.  Re-Parenting Our Inner Child If you desire to take it a step further, you can move beyond the surface of your reactivity and into a deeper awareness of your inner child. You may choose to explore these questions, writing down your answers.  What did I learn in those earliest years of wiring my body about whatever it is that my child is doing and that I am reacting to?  What did I have to deny, suppress, or minimize in myself to fit into my family system as a child?  What did I need as a child?  How could I meet those needs now as an adult?  I know it seems like a lot of work for us when most of the time, we are focused on tools for our kids, but it starts here.  How we know ourselves directly affects how we see and relate to our children.  Re-parenting With Time-Ins A tangible way to bring all of this re-parenting into your home to include your children is to take a family Time-In. Often, it's thought that Time-Ins are for our kids, which is true, but that is only part of the puzzle.  Create small daily rituals with your family to share how you feel, process hard moments and playfully explore calming strategies. During a Time-In, you may choose to ask your child:  What happened? What were you feeling?  Where did you feel that feeling in your body?  How big was it? Why does that feeling make sense in your body? (What did you want and need?) Just as you would for your kids, take a Time-In during your heightened, unpleasant emotions too. This is a form of re-parenting. This is how we model emotional regulation and invite healing inward.  In short, Time-Ins are for all the children in the home, including the child that lives deep inside us.  Interested in learning more about reparenting? Check out our FREE 3-Day Reparent Yourself Online Summit and get lifetime access to incredible resources from top parenting experts.  💚 Break generational patterns 💚 Let go of conflict avoidance and perfectionism 💚 Replace codependent behaviors with self-care

Why do we feel triggered when our kids do that thing they do, and what tools do we have to keep us from meeting their immaturity with our own? Here are 3 preventive tips and 4 tools for in the heat of the moment. 

5 tools to help your inner child overcome the fear of failure so that you and your kids can embrace a growth mindset! I can’t remember when it first started, but it has followed me like my own shadow throughout most of my life. And all too often, it steps forward into the light, smacking me in the face to remind me it’s there.  Perfectionism.  Am I doing enough for my kids?  Am I dropping the ball at work? How do I date my husband and spend time with myself and keep the house afloat?  Will my friends forgive me? I haven’t responded to their texts in three days, or maybe longer.  The questions all lead to one response. I am falling short of perfect, messing up, not enough.  Nothing will cause us to look in the mirror at all parts of ourselves more than becoming a parent. And that’s exactly what my two sons have done - reflected back to me this limiting belief that says I have to be exemplary or I am failing.  The trickle-down effect was palpable as I watched my three-year-old son throw his red crayon across the room after coloring out of the lines in his Paw Patrol coloring book. Tears brimming, he wailed, “It is ruined. It’s not the way I wanted to do it. I never want to color again.”  After comforting my son and stumbling across my words, because clearly, I was lacking the skills I wanted to teach, I settled in to relate to his pain. I got it. I really did. Because I have spent most of my life there.  I realized that if I didn’t learn tools to help my son embrace his mistakes, then tears over a scribbled picture would turn into tears about striking out at baseball, getting a B on a paper … and an overwhelming urgency to have all things go his way.  I began reading all the tips and tricks that experts suggested in helping my child overcome his fixed mindset, and with all of my short-hand sticky notes framing my computer, it felt more like putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. The pulse was coming from me. Because while my son was early in his brain development, I was also emotionally immature. It was time to stop shaming myself for my mistakes and learn to befriend them … to acknowledge them as the teachers they are.  Here are five things I did to help blast through my perfectionism.  1. Get to the root Carol Dweck, psychologist and the author of Mindset who coined the term growth mindset, says, “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence—like a gift—by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact, has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.” I felt like she wrote this specifically for my child-self. Reflecting back to my youth, my parents, with the best of intentions and full of heart, assured me that I was the best - When I colored a picture, I was the best artist … When I won the track race, I was the best athlete that day … When I got an A on my test, I was the best student. In being told I was “perfect”, I began to fear being “not perfect”. Would they still love me if I fell short of the best? This single question followed me through all future relationships, including motherhood.  And there it was, the root of my perfectionism stemmed from fear of losing my attachments. At least now I knew what I was really dealing with.  2. Learn to release “True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source. It is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow,” says Dweck.  So the new question became, how do I become courageously me?  I wrote down everything that I felt like I was failing. And then I tore the page in half. And then, tore it again. I threw the shredded papers in the recycle bin where they could be transmuted to something useful because my guilt sure wasn’t helping anyone.  3. Adopt a new perspective Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, and author says that healthy striving is self-focused, asking ourselves, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism is other-focused, causing us to ask, “What will they think?”  I realized that being the best was a narrow concept. Instead, I could focus on being my best, and that was fluid minute to minute. Sometimes my best is locking myself in the bathroom for five deep breaths before re-entering the chaos of raising small children, and sometimes the bar is much higher. When I put the power back into myself, to ask what I want and need, I can overcome life’s disruptions with much more resilience.  4. Create a mantra I knew I needed some sort of mantra to repeat to myself as I was likely to fall back into old habits, at least initially. So I created this practice: Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe in: I am love. Breathe out: I am enough. Rinse and repeat all day long.  5. Practiced acceptance For my children to embrace their mistakes, they had to become safe for me, too. When I did mess up, I noticed my self-talk and focused on shifting from I can’t believe I did this to My mistakes help me learn and grow. With practice, mistakes became allowed, and even welcomed, in our household.  I also circled back to the beginning, my child-self who was a slave to praise. I gave her permission to be loved, flaws and all. Shifting into motherhood, I began to notice and celebrate my boys’ efforts over their outcomes so that they have the freedom to meet challenges head-on without the trepidation of a what if I fail mentality?  My boys and I are learning to do the lionhearted work of being ourselves together. So, you ask, how did I help my sons develop a growth mindset? I started with me.

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When we choose image maintenance over connection, we actually hurt our relationship with our children. Here's why apologizing to our children is one of the most important things we can do. 

Here are 5 ways to use connection-based parenting (Over fear-based), and break the cycle of emotional wounding.

Can you guess what it is?

When we say things like "You hurt my feelings" or "You make me so mad", we send messages to our children that they are responsible for our feelings. Learn the truth about feelings, how to overcome childhood adaptations, and what to say instead.

When children feel responsible for taking care of their parents emotionally, it can cause a range of mental and emotional issues. Maybe this was a familiar story in your own childhood. Here are 4 ways we can break the cycle. 

Do you live in black and white or do you feel in color?

Sometimes the desire to avoid setting boundaries is a control strategy based on our own discomfort with conflict. When we blast through the assumption that being a good parent means avoiding conflict, we gift our children the ability to know who they are, what they want, and how to ask for it - something that was not always safe or allowed for our child-selves.

Often, when punitive measures were used to reform our behaviors as children, it can be a challenge to step outside controlling, demanding, and commanding our kids, especially in the face of big emotions and misbehavior. So, how do we heal the child within while raising children? Here are 3 tools.

One of the hardest parts of parenting is not the learning. It is the unlearning. When yelling is your natural impulse, these three tips can help you channel what you are feeling in a healthy, productive way. 

Want to react to your children less with yelling, lecturing, and punitive measures - to parent differently than you were parented? This is how we break the cycle.

Stress and trauma suppress and actually shrink the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and memory, making it hard for us to recall our youth. As we teach and guide our children and nurture their emotional intelligence, we regenerate our hippocampus so we can remember, feel and share, too. 

We rarely apologize when our children feel happy or grateful or proud yet we often find ourselves apologizing for unpleasant emotions. "I'm sorry you feel mad ... sad ... disappointed." How does this impact our children and what can we do instead?

It isn't our parenting skills that are lacking, it is our self-love and acceptance. I sat in bed barely able to look up at my husband. I was doing that ugly cry where your face can’t help but reveal your emotion.  I’ve always been transparent with my heart, yet opaque with my self-love.  And perhaps that’s because my self-compassion is often in short supply.  Any mis-step, mis-take, miss-the-mark, always seems to validate any truths I have about myself, the narrative that runs on replay most days, the one that says, “You aren’t enough.” I have never called my enoughness into question more than becoming a mother.  And there, in the middle of my bed, with the covers pulled high, I sat like my child-self used to, replaying affirmations that fed into my negative self-talk.  I was never a mother who dreamed of being a mother. I was terrified at the thought of raising small humans, losing myself, and also, maybe even most of all, of finding myself.  Now, here I was sitting where so many others have sat before me (and likely many are as I write this): living in my not-enoughness.  I have been short-tempered.  Detached.  Distracted.  The words slipped past my lips, and there was no going back. “I feel like I am a terrible mother. Like I am failing them.” My heartfelt angst. I actually believed what I was saying.  And then my husband did something unexpected. He kneeled beside me, and instead of trying to fix it or make it better, he just listened. He let me cry. He let me express my pain. He never left me.  As my tears transitioned to sniffles, I thanked my husband for his support, honestly surprised by his course of action. Emotions and communication are not always his cup of tea.  Seeing the grateful yet curious look in my eyes, he smiled and replied, “I learned from you. This is what you do for our sons every day. Maybe you can’t see it because you’re so in it, but I see it. I see your worth. You are not a perfect parent AND you are the exact mom they need. Perfect is a myth, anyway.” I realized the part I was lacking most wasn’t my mothering skills. It was my self-love, self-compassion, and self-respect that needed polishing.  I see a little girl in my reflection, the one who felt she had to carry the burden of perfection, who felt she was only worthy if she was performing at 100% at all times, and I tell her what I needed to hear all those years ago: You are worthy of giving love and being loved. Many people say that you can’t love another until you fully love all parts of yourself. I actually believe this to be false. Motherhood has taught quite the opposite.   But I do believe it is challenging to let others love you and to receive that love in its full capacity if you do not love yourself.   Somewhere along the way I learned to self-abandon who I was in order to feel loved, safe, and bonded to my parents. When we learn at a young age that our parents' love isn't reliable, we become hypervigilant to their moods and rescue them by becoming whoever they need us to be. This becomes our survival mechanism - our way to control how other people see us, and it jades the way we see ourselves. Our worth becomes less about our innate goodness and more about external measures of performance and other people's satisfaction.  Our kids are without conditions. They love with open hearts and see past our mistakes, our shortcomings, and our false narratives. They see us for who we truly are - all parts - and they choose to love us anyway. From their grace, we learn to heal and love ourselves, too.  Reparent Yourself Intergenerational healing is about progress... not perfection.  By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself and others.  If you would like guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle. Lifetime Access to 20 Interactive Courses, Guided Meditations, Healing Movement, and Other Transformative Resources. The Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle is available at 94% Off Savings for a limited time.

Shame eats away at a child’s core emotional need to feel loved and connected, leaving them feeling small, unworthy, flawed, and unacceptable. As we learn to heal our shame wounds, we give our children chances for a healthy and happy emotional life. Here are 3 shame-free discipline tactics. 

When our own childhood contained stress and trauma, the developmentally-appropriate behaviors of our children can be a big trigger. Here are 3 ways to heal your childhood wounds through parenting.