It's Okay Not To Be Okay (Part 2)

The child knows the answer. You can see it on their face. But when the teacher calls on them, they look down and whisper, “I don’t know.” The instinct may be to jump in. “You know this!” “You’re so smart!” But confidence is not something adults can talk a child into. It grows through repeated experiences that help children discover: I can try. I can make a mistake. I can ask for help. And I am still worthy of love and belonging. That is the heart of how to build confidence in kids at home and at school. What Confidence Really Looks Like A confident child is not always the loudest child in the room. Confidence may look like: trying something new with support nearby asking for help joining a group after watching for a while expressing a feeling or preference recovering after a mistake A child who takes time to warm up is not failing. The goal is not to change who they are. It is to help them trust that they can move through hard moments as themselves. Four Ways to Build Confidence in Kids 1. Give children something real to do Research on self-efficacy identifies mastery experiences as an important source of confidence. Let a child carry the classroom clipboard, pour the water, answer for themselves or solve part of a problem before an adult steps in. Confidence grows through doing. 2. Notice the process “You’re so smart” can make success feel connected to being a certain kind of person. Research comparing person praise with process praise found that children responded better to setbacks when feedback focused on what they did. Try: “You kept working when that felt hard.” “You asked for help.” “You tried another way.” Specific feedback gives children information they can use again. 3. Make mistakes safe to discuss Building confidence in children does not mean protecting them from every mistake. Instead of immediately rescuing or correcting, try: “That didn’t work the way you hoped. What could we try next?” The mistake becomes data. Not an identity. Not proof that the child is not good enough. 4. Offer choices within clear boundaries Confidence building for kids does not require giving children control over every decision. It may sound like: “The presentation is happening today. Would you like to go first or third?” “You can join the group now, or I can walk over with you.” The boundary remains clear while the child experiences some ownership. Firmness and love belong together. How to Build Confidence in a Sensitive Child People often search for how to build confidence in a sensitive child or how to build confidence in shy children. But sensitive and shy are not fixed identities. A child may feel hesitant in one situation and completely at ease in another. Confidence grows when adults respect that pace while keeping participation possible. Try: previewing a new place or activity practicing what to say through play pairing the child with one familiar peer allowing them to watch before joining celebrating the attempt rather than the performance Instead of “Don’t be shy,” try: “You are taking your time. I can stay close while you decide how you want to join.” For more support, read Helping Your Highly Sensitive Child Gain Confidence. Building Confidence in Kids at School When every classroom uses different language for feelings, mistakes and challenging behaviors, children are left to decode the adults before they can practice the skill. Schools can strengthen confidence building for kids by giving educators: shared emotional-literacy language visual feelings tools playful opportunities to practice connection-based responses to mistakes routines that can also be shared with families Simple. Concrete. Predictable. Generation Mindful offers scalable social-emotional learning tools, classroom resources and professional development for preschools, childcare centers, schools and organizations. These tools help educators build emotional literacy, confidence and connection through practice rather than expecting children to become confident on command. Explore Generation Mindful Tools for Educators Confidence Is Built One Step at a Time The child may still whisper the answer. They may still want an adult to walk with them. Confidence is not the absence of fear, sensitivity or uncertainty. It is the growing belief that those feelings can be present and the child can still take one small step. One attempt. One mistake. One honest feeling. One connected adult. That is how we help kids build confidence they can carry into the next classroom, relationship and hard moment. Sources Kamins, M. L., and Dweck, C. S. “Person Versus Process Praise and Criticism: Implications for Contingent Self-Worth and Coping.” Developmental Psychology, 1999.  

We, as humans, are not broken, and therefore nothing has to be "fixed". Join Selina as she leads a mindful moment to remind us that we are all perfectly imperfect, whole and complete, just as we are in this minute. 

A shift from punitive punishment to positive parenting. One mama shares her story of breaking the generational cycle of spanking to connection-based childrearing.