Why Does My Child Meltdown After School & What Can I Do?

Was I doing something wrong?

Funny how that is always my first thought when I see my children struggling.

Note to me: Breathe. My children’s behavior is not my report card. Breathe out.

Okay, I’m back.

Anyways, every day my boys’ teachers report that they are regulated, playful, and engaged.

I feel confused. Were we talking about the same children?

Because that isn’t what I get each day. After pick-up, we get tearful, angry, and easily agitated versions of them. The smallest thing can set them off into a full meltdown that lasts anywhere from minutes to the rest of the night. This is especially true for our youngest.

Nothing like making sweet memories, huh.

What happens

Fortunately (unfortunately), my boys aren’t the only ones. It turns out that the after-school meltdown is a common experience among households.

Children get home and they either become volatile and incredibly emotional (and you are tiptoeing to avoid any tripwires) or they become withdrawn and shut you out (fueling your fear that something adverse may have happened during their day).

Why It happens

More often than not, we parents wonder, “Why are they so ‘good’ at school and a total mess at home? Are we doing something wrong?”

The short answer is no, you’re not doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re actually doing a lot well.

Children show their authentic selves to those they feel most attached to. While they may enjoy their teacher and friends, you are their safe base. The social and emotional requirements at school are so much more than at home, and this takes a lot of their energy.

By the time they get to you, they have likely burned through their reserves. And because their past experience with you has proven that you can handle their big emotions, they take everything they have been holding in all day - all of the limbic stress and emotional hurts that have stacked - and they unleash. This is how their body is designed to let off steam.

What you see is the behaviors - a whiney, emotional mess or a child who seeks retreat in their room away from everyone and everything. Remember, this behavior is a form of communication.

Underneath the behavior lies the mass of what is truly going on - an expectation that was hard to meet like sitting still and being quiet, social and peer stressors like being left out at school, or an unmet need like feeling overstimulated, hungry, and tired. When we stay curious to what’s below the surface of their behavior, we can better help our children work through their overwhelm.

How To Help

Every child is different so, truly, you will be the best judge of character about what your child needs. And even more so, during regulated non-school moments, perhaps ask your child what it feels like in their body when they are both at school and getting home, and give them agency in choosing their own tools. In the meantime, here are some ideas.

We all have an emotional bank account. When it feels full, we are more likely to feel regulated. The way to fill this bank account is through connection. Before school, spend five to ten minutes reading a book, chatting, or doing some other mindful moment together. This will help them feel safe, secure, and connected to you before heading off for school.

Don’t have five minutes? I find it helpful to just take an extra moment to snuggle them before getting out of bed or when they do get going for the day to simply pause, kneel down, and look them in the eyes to say, “Good morning. I love you.” This connection helps anchor them before we start the agenda and rush to school.

Sometimes, the hardest part of being at school is being away from you. Send little love reminders of home in their lunch box or backpack. Maybe it is a photograph of your family, a handwritten note, or a small mommy/daddy token. Because you are their safe place, this little reminder can help ground and regulate them.

Eliminate the unmet need of hunger by regulating their blood sugar. Have available nutritional snacks for them either in the car during pick-up or at home after drop-off. This will help satiate the hangry monster.

Our natural instinct as parents is to ask our children about their day as soon as we see them. I mean, of course, we have missed them for like eight (plus) hours!

What did you do? What did you learn? Who did you play with?

We are often met with “not much” … “fine” … “good” … or some other one-word response. Some days we are lucky to get that and our questions are met with a snort and snuff or silence.

Here’s the thing about an overwhelmed brain. Questions can send them further into reactivity. It is too much too soon. Our children cannot think logically to answer our questions when they are busy trying to survive the moment.

So hold the interview until later once your child shows signs of regulation. That could be in twenty minutes or all the way to right before bed. Sometimes they talk more when we give them time.

Okay, so your child comes home, then what? Pause to notice how your child’s body chooses to shed steam? Do they want to yell, hit, and command and demand all things (while instantly changing their mind when you give them what they’ve asked for) or do they slam a door and tell you to go away or do something else altogether?

Once you notice the behavior, become curious as to what may be underneath it. Are they hungry, tired, overstimulated? Do they need sensory input and movement after sitting all day? Did something happen at school? Staying curious will help you hold space for what is happening and guide regulation. This step is more about your own reflection than it is action.

Children often thrive off of predictability. Pick a non-school day and develop an after-school ritual together. To help them anticipate and process the ritual, practice it outside of the moment or create a child-led visual chart. When children know what to expect they feel safe and more regulated.

If your child’s school gives homework, consider delaying it until later. Maybe after your child has eaten, rested, and done some pleasurable activity. Wait until they have had the ability to recharge. It isn’t often that I want to work all day only to come home and work some more. These are children here and balance will benefit them in the long run. And just like us, a stressed-out brain can’t learn, so pause until they are ready.

My favorite time of day, the time my children actually share on their own accord, is when we come together each night to share about our day as a family. We sit in a circle by our feelings posters and talk about when we felt a yellow (happy, excited, silly), blue (sad, lonely, disappointed), red (angry, determined, scared), and green emotion (calm, grateful, reflective). This gives way to deeper conversations about feelings and experiences so that we can process together and come up with “next time” tools as needed.

When our children struggle, it isn’t for us to fix but for us to hold space and be there with them in any way they need us to be. That may be keeping close proximity or not, offering movement and sensory activities or rest opportunities.

Whatever it looks like, remember the goal isn’t to rush them along to happy or to regulated. It is to help their nervous system let off steam and recharge. Through curiosity and connection, they develop the pathways to manage future days and future overwhelm. This is some of the most important learning they will ever do.

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