Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
When Your Child Says "I Hate You!"
by Guest Author
When your child says “I hate you!” you might find yourself getting defensive or you may feel the urge to assert control over the situation. The key to getting to the root of the challenge is to look beyond the hurtful words to figure out what’s going on for them emotionally. What are they really saying?
Mindful Moments Blog
Your Child's Emotions Need Support, Not Solutions
by Ashley Patek
When we attempt to fix our children’s emotions and problems, we move out of connection and into control. The focus shifts from them to us. Instead, we can sit with them in the hard stuff, offering support, not solutions. Here's how.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Guest Author
Do you live in black and white or do you feel in color?
Mindful Moments Blog
Boundaries Give My Child This Gift
by Guest Author
Sometimes the desire to avoid setting boundaries is a control strategy based on our own discomfort with conflict. When we blast through the assumption that being a good parent means avoiding conflict, we gift our children the ability to know who they are, what they want, and how to ask for it - something that was not always safe or allowed for our child-selves.
Mindful Moments Blog
This Numbed Out World Needs Sensitive People Like You
by Suzanne Tucker
By: Suzanne Tucker
Have you ever worried that your feelings are too big or "too much" to be acknowledged... much less shared out loud with another human being?
Today I'm sharing a personal story and a practice I use for sharing my emotions despite this fear so many of us adopted in childhood that our feelings are not valid and thus, not worthy of being shared.
I call BS.
The truth is that our feelings are data. They are not "right" or "wrong" so much as they are information -- a glimpse into our inner world.
So many of us grew up having emotions like sadness, grief, confusion, jealousy, and rage dismissed or denied by often well-intended but misguided adults who were never taught how to listen to, empathize with, and/or regulate emotions themselves.
Like the majority of adults on the planet, the friend I wanted to share my emotions with was raised in a family system that believed emotions were:
weak
not valid in and of themselves
and thus, NOT safe to feel
In this video, I share my experience of having my adult friend dismiss and deny my emotions when I shared my feelings, and how I responded.
In the above 12-minute video, I walk you through:
A short centering exercise (1-3:00 min)
My experience of being dismissed (3-4 min)
How this tied to my childhood (5-6 min)
Feelings as sacred (6-6:45 min)
How I "permitted" myself to feel (6:45 min)
A mantra to help us hold space for our kids (8:45 min)
We can learn to acknowledge ourselves and validate our own emotions. And, in modeling these things, we can teach others how to affirm and validate emotions as well --- making it safe for the next generation and for ourselves to feel.
JOIN THE REPARENT YOURSELF MEMBERSHIP
We don't control the people in our lives or how they react to our sharing --- but we DO control our thoughts, words, and actions.
I hope my experience helps you feel more confident in expressing your feelings regardless of how they will be met. Because this numbed-out world needs more sensitive people.
If you believe every child deserves to learn about their emotions, please check out our Reparent Yourself Membership, a community for change-makers like you, where we do not view the past as our destiny, but rather, our curriculum!
Join us!
About the author
Suzanne Tucker is the founder of Generation Mindful, a physical therapist, a parent educator of 30 years, and a mom of 4 (including twins!). Suzanne has been studying the art and the science of connection-based parenting for decades. Her life's work is to help families around the world find more joy and connection in their relationships.
Why Being a Sensitive Parent is a Good Thing
5 Ways To Nurture Emotional Intelligence For Kids
10 Simple Mindfulness Activities For Kids To Build Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence is More Than Naming Emotions
The Ultimate Guide To Building A Calming Corner And Using Time-Ins At Home
How do you say goodbye to time-outs and introduce time-ins? This is the ultimate guide on the do's and don'ts for building and using a Calming Corner.
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Mindful Moments Blog
Social-Emotional Learning Is Key in the COVID-19 Pandemic
by Rebecca Eanes
Social-emotional instruction has been proven beneficial during normal times; it is now an urgent need. Here are 5 SEL activities for the classroom and 5 for home. Together, we can bridge the school to home gap.
Mindful Moments Blog
A Parent's Guide to Social Emotional Awareness
by Suzanne Tucker
Have you ever had an argument with your child over picking up their toys? You may have asked them once or twice, or even ten times to just pick them up. You start to feel very frustrated and tiresome and you begin to notice that as you grow more angry, so does your child.
Mindful Moments Blog
What If My Partner Talked To Me That Way?
by Ashley Patek
In the early years, we are the definitions of love for our children. Our behavior and words outline what is acceptable and what isn’t. Our response informs them of how to treat others and sets the pace for their own self-worth. Ask yourself, "What if my partner talked to me/treated me in the way I do my children?" What would come up for you?
Mindful Moments Blog
A Strong Relationship With Your Child Gives You More Authority, Not Less
by Ashley Patek
As children learn to regulate emotions and learn higher-level skills through the safe space of a supportive caregiver, not only does it strengthen your relationship but it gives you more authority. Your children will want to work with you more than they want to work against you. Here's how.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Successful Alternatives To Yelling For A More Peaceful Home
by Ashley Patek
One of the hardest parts of parenting is not the learning. It is the unlearning. When yelling is your natural impulse, these three tips can help you channel what you are feeling in a healthy, productive way.
Mindful Moments Blog
A Baby’s Cry and the Effects on Mother
by Rebecca Eanes
Crying is Communication – Generation Mindful
Crying ruffles us.
Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother's brain when she hears her baby's cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother?
Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone" because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby's cries.
The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.
However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?
And it doesn't even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it's very effective in its design.
When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct
Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to "sleep train" or to "ignore a tantrum" so as not to "reinforce bad behavior," I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.
My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn't even escalate into cries because I couldn't stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn't do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don't condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won't even get into how it affects the baby's brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.
The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be "tough." I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the "drama king or queen" teen who is crying "over nothing." All throughout parenthood, I've been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice.
Crying is Communication
To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what's going on internally for them.
SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions
Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.
Comforting him won't make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don't feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.
If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don't have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The "boundaries with empathy" option allows you to say, "I see that you are upset about the cookie.
That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much." She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.
The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won't buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn't get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn't resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.
FAQ
Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom?
From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood.
Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else?
It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best.
About the Author
Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of 2 boys.
Mindful Moments Blog
Your Child’s Unpleasant Emotions Don’t Need An Apology
by Ashley Patek
We rarely apologize when our children feel happy or grateful or proud yet we often find ourselves apologizing for unpleasant emotions. "I'm sorry you feel mad ... sad ... disappointed." How does this impact our children and what can we do instead?
Mindful Moments Blog
How to Handle Meltdowns, Not Listening, and Backtalk
by Rebecca Eanes
Show up both firm and kind
Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.
Meltdowns
It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship.
This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.
Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions.
If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.
You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.
Backtalk
All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem.
During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate.
Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.
It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play."
For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to. Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.”
It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation.
Not Listening
When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen?
Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation.
Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.
Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.
Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.
Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting.
Mindful Moments Blog
Discipline Your Child's Behavior, Not Their Emotions
by Ashley Patek
There is a difference between how our children feel and how they behave. Rather than trying to force our children to not feel certain emotions (especially the ones that are inconvenient for us), we can teach them how to deal with emotions. Here are four ways to do this.
Mindful Moments Blog
Why Does My Child Meltdown After School & What Can I Do?
by Ashley Patek
So often parents report, "My kids are so put together at school and then they get home and are a total mess." Why does this happen and what can parents do to help their children regulate? (We offer 8 ideas)
Mindful Moments Blog
Effective Parenting: Embracing Discipline Over Punishment
by Ashley Martin
Many individuals mistakenly equate punishment and discipline, assuming they are interchangeable terms. However, a closer examination reveals that they hold distinct meanings and approaches.
Mindful Moments Blog
Our Children May Be Self-Centered, But They Aren't Selfish
by Ashley Patek
Every time our child snatches a toy or melts down or forgets to say “thank you,” we worry our children will grow to be disrespectful, which motivates us to teach the lesson. But when we understand brain development, we can approach these situations in ways that build the skills without shame. Here are 3 ways.
Mindful Moments Blog
What To Do When Positive Parenting Isn't Working
by Rebecca Eanes
Sometimes parents say that positive parenting “isn’t working” for them, and when that is the case, it’s important to explore why before giving up. Here are some reasons why and 5 things to do when you feel like positive parenting isn't working for your family.
Mindful Moments Blog
Why You Don’t Need To Hide Your Feelings From Your Kids
by Alyssa Blask Campbell
Often in the world of respectful parenting, there is this idea that parenting with intention means always being calm and happy with our kids. This is a fallacy. Here's why, and what to do instead.
Mindful Moments Blog
I’ve Never Grounded My Teenager - Here’s Why
by Rebecca Eanes
In our culture, we are accustomed to training children through pain. We are fooled into thinking it’s good because it works, but it only works for a short time, and the reason it works is heartbreaking. Here's what to do instead of punishment.
