Mindful Moments Blog

The child knows the answer. You can see it on their face. But when the teacher calls on them, they look down and whisper, “I don’t know.” The instinct may be to jump in. “You know this!” “You’re so smart!” But confidence is not something adults can talk a child into. It grows through repeated experiences that help children discover: I can try. I can make a mistake. I can ask for help. And I am still worthy of love and belonging. That is the heart of how to build confidence in kids at home and at school. What Confidence Really Looks Like A confident child is not always the loudest child in the room. Confidence may look like: trying something new with support nearby asking for help joining a group after watching for a while expressing a feeling or preference recovering after a mistake A child who takes time to warm up is not failing. The goal is not to change who they are. It is to help them trust that they can move through hard moments as themselves. Four Ways to Build Confidence in Kids 1. Give children something real to do Research on self-efficacy identifies mastery experiences as an important source of confidence. Let a child carry the classroom clipboard, pour the water, answer for themselves or solve part of a problem before an adult steps in. Confidence grows through doing. 2. Notice the process “You’re so smart” can make success feel connected to being a certain kind of person. Research comparing person praise with process praise found that children responded better to setbacks when feedback focused on what they did. Try: “You kept working when that felt hard.” “You asked for help.” “You tried another way.” Specific feedback gives children information they can use again. 3. Make mistakes safe to discuss Building confidence in children does not mean protecting them from every mistake. Instead of immediately rescuing or correcting, try: “That didn’t work the way you hoped. What could we try next?” The mistake becomes data. Not an identity. Not proof that the child is not good enough. 4. Offer choices within clear boundaries Confidence building for kids does not require giving children control over every decision. It may sound like: “The presentation is happening today. Would you like to go first or third?” “You can join the group now, or I can walk over with you.” The boundary remains clear while the child experiences some ownership. Firmness and love belong together. How to Build Confidence in a Sensitive Child People often search for how to build confidence in a sensitive child or how to build confidence in shy children. But sensitive and shy are not fixed identities. A child may feel hesitant in one situation and completely at ease in another. Confidence grows when adults respect that pace while keeping participation possible. Try: previewing a new place or activity practicing what to say through play pairing the child with one familiar peer allowing them to watch before joining celebrating the attempt rather than the performance Instead of “Don’t be shy,” try: “You are taking your time. I can stay close while you decide how you want to join.” For more support, read Helping Your Highly Sensitive Child Gain Confidence. Building Confidence in Kids at School When every classroom uses different language for feelings, mistakes and challenging behaviors, children are left to decode the adults before they can practice the skill. Schools can strengthen confidence building for kids by giving educators: shared emotional-literacy language visual feelings tools playful opportunities to practice connection-based responses to mistakes routines that can also be shared with families Simple. Concrete. Predictable. Generation Mindful offers scalable social-emotional learning tools, classroom resources and professional development for preschools, childcare centers, schools and organizations. These tools help educators build emotional literacy, confidence and connection through practice rather than expecting children to become confident on command. Explore Generation Mindful Tools for Educators Confidence Is Built One Step at a Time The child may still whisper the answer. They may still want an adult to walk with them. Confidence is not the absence of fear, sensitivity or uncertainty. It is the growing belief that those feelings can be present and the child can still take one small step. One attempt. One mistake. One honest feeling. One connected adult. That is how we help kids build confidence they can carry into the next classroom, relationship and hard moment. Sources Kamins, M. L., and Dweck, C. S. “Person Versus Process Praise and Criticism: Implications for Contingent Self-Worth and Coping.” Developmental Psychology, 1999.  

Toddlers are one of the most authentic creatures on the planet, and also, arguably, the most misunderstood. On the surface, we see meltdowns, defiance, and limit testing. But there’s so much more than what meets the eye.

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How one family took a stance against societal norms and a gender bias culture of "sameness". “So are we really going to do this? Let him go to school in the Elsa costume?” Lloyd and I had just tucked our kids into bed, and in the morning was Storybook Character Day at school.  Our youngest son is four, freshly four this month. We gave him the costume on his birthday after he asked for it. We want him to know without a doubt that we love him and support him, whether Elsa or ninja (he’s wanted to be both this year).  This isn’t a new conversation. Our boys have picked out Paw Patrol nightgowns, metallic gold leggings, and purple tennis shoes. We want them to have space to grow into an expressive, expansive, confident, and creative masculinity—or whatever gender identity is home. But suddenly I got cold feet when it came down to him wearing the Elsa costume to *school*.  That was a new step. My protective instincts kicked in. I imagined the possibility of kids laughing at him, saying mean things. Should we send him out there alone in this frosted blue, glittery dress? Into the classroom, the hallway, the cafeteria? Where we can’t shield him, protect him, affirm him? After all, even a few loving family members had a reflexive chuckle when they asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said, “From Frozen. Elsa.” I think I just needed to speak my fears aloud.  Then and there in the laundry room with my husband, it only took me about 60 seconds for me to find my way back to my own clear answer. Yes, we’ll support him. Of course, we will. Because kids can laugh at you for anything—we can’t protect him from that. What he needs to know from us, his parents, is that who he is, what he likes, and what he wants matters to us.  We love him exactly as he is. So no, we won’t redirect him toward the dragon costume because I won’t risk sending the message that there are parts of him that have to remain hidden. I won’t risk sending the message to him AND to his older brother that what needs to be preserved is a culture of sameness and that being different is not a thing to be valued and celebrated.  Then something else occurred to me: when I imagined our 4-year-old at school—this child who is bold and daring and brave, this child who has gotten accidentally smacked in the head with a piece of errant, flying firewood and bounced right back up like a champion wrestler—I truly believed he could rock this Elsa costume without a shred of help from us.  I imagined that if someone laughed, that laugh might just reflect off of his shine, never even touching his bright heart. Because he was having the time of his life. Because he was Elsa after all, powerful and regal, running with determination into the unknown.  The next morning, he wore the costume. He strode right out of the car without a beat of doubt in his step. In the afternoon, his teacher sent out photos of the kids in their costumes. And there was our son, beaming with his arms around a few buddies. Relief for my worried heart.  At the end of the day at the dinner table, our son mentioned offhand, “Michael said he didn’t like my costume.” “Really? What did you say to him?” I asked, matching his casual tone. “I said, ‘I like yours.’” He scooped a spoonful of corn into his mouth and smiled. My child. May your bright heart shine forever. Check Also