Mindful Moments Blog

A new study describes emotional intelligence as an important part of academic success from kindergarten into college.

Show up both firm and kind Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.  Meltdowns It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship. This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.  Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions. If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.  You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.  Backtalk All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem. During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate. Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.  It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play." For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.  Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.” It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation. Not Listening When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen? Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation. Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.  Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.  Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.   Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting. 

Ready to transform conflict into connection? Join social emotional learning experts Elizabeth Sautter, Dr. Rebecca Branstetter, and the founder of Generation Mindful, Suzanne Tucker, for this FREE parent training, live on Facebook. Replacing punishment and shame with positive discipline doesn't happen overnight, but with tools and support, we can offer something altogether different for the next generation. Together we are raising an emotionally healthy world. Thank you for being a part of this movement!

Calming Spaces build emotional regulation antibodies, and here's how. When our children are hungry, we offer food.  When they are tired, we offer sleep.  When they want attention, we offer connection. As a parent, these needs often make sense to us and we have some ideas of how to meet them. But here is something else to think about. A Child's Need For Emotional Regulation When children experience big, unpleasant feelings and meltdowns, there is a need there too. They have a need to release tension and regulate their bodies. We can help meet that need by being emotionally responsive adults for our children.  Children who learn that vulnerability is a superpower - to feel big feelings and let them out of their body in the presence of their adult - retain a very important truth: all emotions are safe. Not just to feel but to express.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns This is huge, because emotional overwhelm is alarming to children, mostly because emotions are new to them. So when parents and educators make emotions safe, children feel secure to explore and participate in relationships and the world around them.  They don’t have to carry the burden of being blocked or denied emotional experiences. They can live more fully. As researcher and author Brené Brown shares, “Our kids come into this world wired for struggle and imperfection. Our job is to let them know they are worthy of love and to be truly loved, they must feel validated and seen.”  Emotional Regulation As A Skill Not only is emotional regulation a need, but it is also a skill. Our children have highly immature brains. While they are little Einsteins at detecting perceived threats and feeling feelings, they are a novice at knowing what to do with them. It takes ritual and consistency.  Each time a child’s emotions are met with connection, they grow a pathway in their brain for emotional regulation. They essentially cultivate a toolbelt for when they feel mad, sad, or frustrated.  Additionally, each time we invite our children to borrow our nervous system and model noticing, naming, and managing our emotions, our children mimic and embody that too. We are emotional beings neurobiologically wired to connect. And so when children are offered these experiences, they not only develop mentally and physically but emotionally as well.  Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids Having a Calming Space in your home or classroom meets a child’s fundamental needs and teaches the skills of being a human who feels. The concepts around a Calming Space are connection and co-regulation.  We don’t order, command, and demand that our children go to their Calming Space to figure out their emotions in isolation. Rather, this is a place where parents, caregivers, or educators go with children to help them notice, name, and process feeling sensations.  The Time-In ToolKit posters make it easy and fun for children to identify their feelings. With your help, children begin to connect sensations to words, expanding their emotional vocabulary. For example, “When my jaw is clenched and my fists are tight, I am feeling angry.”  These associations help children then manage physically. “When I feel angry, I can __.” The ToolKit also offers a Calming Strategies poster to help children explore which calming activities feel most nourishing to them.  Practicing this in fun, playful ways during regulated moments, in a daily ritual such as pre-bedtime or during circle time in class, can help children access calming strategies during dysregulation. And as stated above, when we model using the Calming Space ourselves, children are more likely to mirror our patterns and adopt them as their own.  Calming Corner Spaces Create Life-Long Skills  Our feelings are forces. And feelings that don’t have permission to leave our body fly out as dysregulated behaviors. When we educate from fear and compliance, asking our children to suppress or deny themselves, they grow up to be adults who are developmentally in no better place to manage their emotions than they were as a child.  We want our children to connect and talk with us and we want to prepare them for life in different ways. Using a Calming Space is like a pre-regulation tool, preparing kids for different feelings. This builds emotional regulation antibodies, so to speak. It takes all of the aloneness and scariness and replaces it with safety and love. And when children feel safe, they can learn. 

Like young children, teens thrive off feeling safe and connected. Here is how you can navigate a teen tantrum.

Sierra has struggled to cultivate language for how her disability impacts her own social-emotional development and how it impacts her experiences at school. This struggle has been a barrier to Sierra’s ability to create positive relationships with her classmates.  

Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot. As a parent, it’s nice to have a toolbelt (okay, maybe an entire toolshed) of strategies.  In my years of mommin,’ I have noticed trends - tools that seem to work well for myself and my kids so that parenting shifts from a list of things I have to do to my children (get them to listen, behave, and be respectful) to something I have with them (aka a relationship).  Sure, I need to be their sturdy leader, but it doesn’t mean I have to do it with force, and it doesn’t mean my child has to be obedient. Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot - one where I can stay true to my needs while also staying curious about my child’s … one where I can set boundaries and validate my child’s experience … one where we both win, learn, and grow.  Sounds a bit like a unicorn, doesn’t it? Even as I write it, I snort a little chuckle. Because it does sound a tad Fairy Tale-ish. But the data I have collected (better known as the life experience of being in the parenting trenches for several years) has given me strong evidence that supports just this.  So, here it is, my list of favorite parenting tools, the little black dress of tips. Read through, pull out the ones that speak to you, see if it fits your family, and if not, return it to the rack. But chances are, you’ll find something to take home.  Here we go … 1. Do A Trigger Worksheet I got this little gem from a parenting course I took when I was pregnant with my first child. I laugh now, because, at the time, I sat there rubbing my beautiful buddha belly thinking, Why would I need this? I can’t imagine EVER getting triggered by my child. Ha, jokes on me. It didn’t take me long to dust this off and give it another look.  We are mirrors. Our children take in what we reflect back to them, and they reflect back the parts of us often asking to be healed. We all have these shadowy parts of ourselves, and the things we struggle with now are often the things that we had to suppress in our youth to fit into our family system. Heavy stuff, right? But this tool - a trigger worksheet - makes it not so scary to bring those parts to the light.  When you find that there’s that thing (or several) that your child does that sparks a flame inside of you (like the I-Am-About-To-Lose-It flame, not the pretty Bath And Body Works candle one), ask yourself:  When my child does this, what thoughts do I think? I think ... What is it that I feel? I feel … What goal do I have for my child right now? My goal is that my child … Then, (brace yourself) cancel your super awesome goal, because your goal has nothing to do with you. Replace it with one that does. When my child does (XYZ), **I** will … And yes, this works with partners, co-workers, and anyone who ruffles your feathers. Not just a parenting tool but more of a doing life tool.  2. Schedule Special Time  My child feels 100% satisfied with the time and attention I give him, says no parent ever. I mean, our kids are basically bottomless pits when it comes to their desire and need for connection. This can feel tricky for parents. There is only so much time in the day, so much to do, and it can feel like Mount Everest to climb.  But here’s the thing, research has shown that just 10 minutes of Special Time in your home each day can transform (Yes, for the people in the back, I said TRANSFORM) your home. Here’s how to do it:  Create a chart Name the Chart after your child (If you have multiples, each child gets their own). This can be as simple as writing “Sofie’s Special Time” across the top and the days of the week (M-S) down the left side of the paper. Make the chart with your child, and get her amped for this new thing ya’ll are going to do.  Schedule it Every day, invite your child to pick one thing that he wants to do that is just for him. Cook together? Sure. Play Legos? Okay. Transform into Superheros or play house? Why not. Read books, go for a walk … you get the idea.  Whatever your child chooses, invite your child to set a timer for 10 minutes.  When the timer bings, you can choose to move on or to continue the activity.  After you complete the activity, place a round, colored sticker on the chart for that day of the week, and label the date and activity you did.  So, why do kids like this? Because it is concrete, measurable, tangible, predictable … all things that feel safe and good to them.  Couple of things ... 1) During these 10 minutes, follow your child’s lead, put away distractions, and really give focus to your kiddo. 2) This is not a bribe or punishment. It happens every day regardless. For older kids, you may decide once a week will suffice or one bigger outing once a month. The key is that this never becomes a carrot to dangle, but rather a safety blanket that communicates your connection.  3. Practice The Meltdown Sounds a little weird, but I swear I am not off my rocker (well, not entirely, anyway). Practice the big emotions beforehand. Let me play this out for you.  Say that the big power struggle is always during the transition off of screen time. Moving from a preferred task to a less desired one is hard for most of us, especially a developing brain. So, when that moment comes that you say, “All done. Turn off the tablet,”  their little body responds in a big way because they are being pulled in by their own emotional current. What results is a colossal meltdown.  Instead, replace all of the stress, anxiety, aloneness, and emotional shock with play and connection by practicing the meltdown ahead of time. It may look like this: “You know, I know that when I ask you to turn off the tablet, it feels hard. You really like your show, and I like that you tell me what you want. It is important to me. I also know it can feel a tad scary to feel out of control. So, let’s practice what it might feel like when it’s time to turn off the cartoons. I can go first. Why don’t you tell me to turn off my tablet.” When your child role-plays this with you, drop down into a meltdown of your own, bringing in some silliness. And then switch, inviting your child to practice her own meltdown. After this little rehearsal, go forward with your normal TV time. If your kiddos are anything like mine, when it is time to flip the off button, there are fewer tears and more laughter.  4. Affirm Your Trust This one is short and sweet but packs a powerful punch. Instead of commanding and demanding and sending messages that your child needs external force, is likely to mess up, or is incapable of doing something (all of which can be inadvertent messages of overpowering), focus on empowering him with this statement: I trust you to __. I trust you to keep the markers on the paper. I trust you to stop at the mailbox before going any further on your bike. I trust you to pick up your toys before dinner. I  trust you and your brother to work this out. I trust you to listen to your body. Try it a few times, and see what happens.  5. Take A Time-In  Creating a short, playful, daily ritual to check in with our feelings has been a parenting and marriage game changer.  Each night, before bed, we come together in our family’s Calming Corner to talk about when we felt happy, sad, calm, and mad (or any other emotion) that day.  Other times, when I can tell that the heat is rising, I throw out a random feelings check-in. Let’s pause and get back in our bodies. What is it feeling? Ready, go! Sometimes, noticing my child’s emotion helps diffuse it. It seems like something doesn’t feel good to you/didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, huh?  Another way we explore feelings is by measuring them. How big is your frustration? Is it this big? This big? … Once, when coloring, my son became upset when his blue crayon crossed over the line, and so I asked him to show me with crayons how big his feelings felt. He dropped two handfuls on the table and said, “This mad, mom.” This offered me a chance to validate his feelings and co-regulate.  While there are many more parenting tools to mention, these are 5 of my go-to's. They’re like my best girlfriends, they always have my back! 

One mom shares how she uses her training in social work and yoga to heal herself, her family, and her community.

Intuition is vital for our children to feel safe. When we send messages that gaslight or override our children's intuition, we dismiss life through their lens. Children need to know that we will support them in tuning in and trusting what they find. Read more. 

"Even though you are the reason I wake through the night, you are the reason I wake in the morning." A sleep-deprived mother's poem to her baby girl.

Sensory diets are one way to incorporate alerting or calming sensory activities to regulate the nervous system, and because every child is unique, so too is every sensory diet. Here are 9 things to consider when designing a sensory diet: 

There is a difference between how our children feel and how they behave. Rather than trying to force our children to not feel certain emotions (especially the ones that are inconvenient for us), we can teach them how to deal with emotions. Here are four ways to do this. 

I messed up today in ways big and small. I am an imperfect mom. I used to shame myself for it, but not anymore. And here is what I say to my children.

Keep holding them. Keep tending to their needs. Keep doing what feels right. It is impossible for you to spoil them with love. 

Calming Corners of all sizes and styles are celebrated because what matters is that you opened the box. Here is how to make a calming space for small spaces.

Learning to cope with a global pandemic creates a widespread level of ambiguous loss. It’s been within this paradox of embracing the innovation of “the new normal” while grieving “the old normal” that I have felt it most. 

Sometimes showing up for children with our best selves means showing up separately. It is time to shed the shame of divorce.

My patience threshold for my children far outweighs that for my husband. Here's why, and how my husband and I found a way to reconnect.