Mindful Moments Blog

Parenting is like a perpetual garden of personal growth, where the seeds of learning and development continue to flourish without end. Our parenting and family dynamic plays a major role in the future of our children.

Use Time-Ins and a calming space to help kids playfully learn how to name and regulate their emotions. What's The Time-In ToolKit? Children can be taught social and emotional skills in much the same way we teach them to read and write. The Time-In ToolKit® is a guided resource that nurtures social and emotional skills by engaging adults and children in mindful, affirming conversation about the many feelings we all experience. While time-outs are traditionally punitive experiences that isolate the child for a set amount of time as determined by the adult, Time-Ins are a way to help children learn to calm their bodies and process emotions in a safe space (aka Calming Corner™) so that they can problem-solve, learn and grow.  Time-Ins empower children to check in with their bodies when they are feeling strong emotions so that they can respond to situations rather than react. When children feel safe, and connected, they have a much easier time learning new skills. Who is The Time-In ToolKit for? Our world-famous Time-In ToolKit can be used by parents, caregivers, therapists, teachers, daycare providers, and grandparents; anyone committed to teaching and guiding children by example using connection, redirection, and loving discipline.  What's Included in The Time-In ToolKit? The Time-In ToolKit includes six posters, (3) 8"x10",  (1) 12" x 16" and (2) 20" x 30," (1) deck of PeaceMakers Affirmation Cards, (1) Time-In Activity Mat, and (2) sets of My Feelings Faces & Calming Strategy cards. If you choose to frame your posters, we recommend IKEA frames for quality and price. Want to save 20% on your ToolKit purchase? Check out our new Calming Corner Bundle!  Set Up Your Calming Corner It's time to assemble your Calming Corner space! Walk around with your child/children to see where they feel most comfortable and allow them to help choose the space. You can even make this a fun game!  Pretend to be explorers looking for the perfect space for your Calming Corner. Ideally, this is an area (possibly a corner) of your home, classroom, or office where you can devote 3-5 ft. of wall space to hang or store your posters and Time-In activities.  Emotional Intelligence In Action The ToolKit will equip you with practical tools to teach emotional intelligence and foster listening, cooperation, connection, and self-control. We say "Name it to tame it...Feel it to heal it!" Check out the videos below to see how other families are transforming challenging behaviors and making learning about emotions FUN for tots to tweens!  Name It Start Early Emotional intelligence begins in infancy when babies bond with caregivers and learn that people will respond to them when they cry or smile. As your baby grows, he or she will become more aware of emotions, gaining the ability to name them, respond to them, and eventually regulate them. The first step in developing emotional intelligence at any age is the practice of recognizing our emotions. It’s not until a child can identify emotions and respond to the feelings of others that she can also begin to control her own feelings. This may seem like a tall order for a 2-year-old, but studies show that even babies as young as 18 months can recognize and respond to emotions.  Name Feelings “Grumpy is her new word. Just wanted to share that the Time-In ToolKit works for 2 yr olds!” - Regina, Mom of 2 yo using Time-in ToolKit When our kids are small and trying to manage emotions - they can't express what they are feeling. They throw tantrums, they throw things, they have meltdowns, they scream, and they whine. This is their way of communicating with us. They need help to organize, process, and express their feelings in healthy ways. We can teach them these skills instead of punishing them, putting them in time-out, etc. Understand Feelings Our thoughts and actions are shaped by our many feelings and experiences. Making time to explore and understand our feelings through our many senses including movement, listening, and meaningful dialogue connects us. We are creating a world that gives all human beings (especially young children) permission to feel. How much less violence and mental health challenges would we see if every child was raised to feel seen, heard, and a sense of belonging? That's the world we are creating using Time-In's.  Keep reading to learn how.  Feel It Create Connections Instead of hitting her mom, or hitting her dog, this sweet 4 yo girl (who has been struggling with impulse control issues and managing her feelings since her parents separated) was able to notice that she was feeling nervous AND to name and share her feelings with her mama using her SnuggleBuddies plush, Yellow Lion. Snugglebuddies Emotions Plush toys make great additions to your Calming Corner! She named all four moods, happy (yellow), sad (blue), calm (green), and mad (red) using the toy's mood emojis ... instead of lashing out. This is what self-awareness, self-control, and compassion look like in the making.  When we model self-love and forgiveness, children learn self-love and forgiveness.  Prevent Sibling Rivalry Sharing and naming emotions fosters healthy relationships, reducing family tension. Simply listening and validating each family member’s experience is the first step to teaching children the important life skill of conflict resolution. Time-Ins for Tots to Tweens When your child is feeling overwhelmed, what do they do? 10-year-old Meghan has some ideas on this. Children as old as 9, 10, and 11 are benefiting from the Time-In ToolKit®.  Emotional intelligence starts with naming our emotions, but it doesn’t end there. We can also learn to pause before we act on our thoughts and feelings. Heal It Make Amends As parents, we can nurture kindness in our children. “It’s kind of like weight training,” says Dr. Ritchie Davidson from the University of Wisconsin. “We found that people can build up their compassion ‘muscle’ and respond to others’ suffering with care and a desire to help.”  When children are given the choice to share, apologize, or offer kind gestures instead of being forced to, they are roughly twice as likely to be generous later. And when kids are praised and recognized for their kindness, they are more likely to help again. The Time-In ToolKit does both. Use What You Learn Being able to name feelings and the cause behind big emotions is the first step towards building resilience and healthy ways to cope with situations. The video below shows children putting the skills they've learned with their ToolKit into action. Create Healthy Habits “I am safe and secure.” That’s the Red Bear 🐻 PeaceMakers card this three years old pulled to talk about with her mom before bedtime. Watch as she tells her mom what it feels like when she feels safe... versus when she feels scared. This sweet girl has been using the Time-In Toolkit® (Family Bundle) for just 2 months to help with her bedtime routine! Her mama tells us she LOVES it and has gone from, at one point, having 33 tantrums in a day (that's a lot...) to just one in a week.  The Ultimate Guide To Building A Calming Corner & Using Time-ins At Home & School The Ultimate Guide To Building A Calming Corner And Using Time-Ins At Home How do you say goodbye to time-outs and introduce time-ins? This is the ultimate guide on the do's and don'ts for building and using a Calming Corner.

Looking for more peace in your home? Start here. I love having tools in my parenting toolbox. The bigger the belt, the more I feel prepared to handle all the things that come with raising children. And the big heavy-weight tool for my household has been a Calming Space.  I am not saying that (poof!) magically all of your problems are solved. There are still meltdowns (both theirs and mine) and power struggles, but it is so much less. The frequency of my kids’ arguing, my yelling, and the family battles has exponentially declined.  5 Reasons Your Family Needs A Calming Space What’s that saying, happy wife, happy life … well … happy mom, smoother home. But jokes aside, here are five reasons why your family can benefit from a Calming Space.  1. It meets the need for safety. Safety is a fundamental need. If we want our children to cooperate with us (and decrease power struggles), regulate emotions (work through meltdowns), and learn new skills (like impulse control) then they must first feel safe. When daily rituals are created in a Calming Space, children come to know that they can count on that time with you and that they can be who they are (and feel what they feel) without shame or blame. This builds trust not only with you but within themselves.  2. It meets your child’s need for connection. Connection is the wheel that keeps the Calming Space spinning. Not only do you and your child create this space together but you visit it together, too, especially in the beginning. Unlike a Time-Out where children are sent to isolation with their feelings, a Calming Space is one where co-regulation happens. Your child has access to your nervous system to regulate and process unpleasant sensations and experiences. So snuggle up, read a book, color, explore feeling posters, or any other activity that brings your relationship closer, even if it is just five minutes a day.  3. It meets your child’s need for power. Children who feel they have some agency in their process become empowered, and when they feel empowered, they fight you less for that power. Really reiterate to your child that this is your family space and that everyone has a say here. Engaging in five to ten minutes of child-led play not only fills their connection tank as mentioned above, but it is also a potent way to honor their authenticity. Additionally, as children begin to understand their internal sensations and control their outward behaviors, they feel a sense of governance over their own bodies.  4. It helps you channel your unpleasant emotions. Ever feel like you just need a small pause so that you don’t flip your shit? The Calming Space is that space. Whenever you feel your overwhelm taking over, take a Time-In in your family’s space. Model to your children what it looks like to feel something, name it and choose a calming strategy. They are watching and when we show them that our emotions aren’t scary and contagious, they begin to believe that about theirs too. Of course, we won’t be perfect at this, but the way I figure it is, some of the time is better than none of the time.  5. It grows our child’s brain. At least in a sense. We can’t rush optimal development in our children but we can teach skills that promote it. So every time we connect with our children in this safe space, we help them build somatic awareness and build an emotional vocabulary. The more they learn to understand themselves and share it with another, the more they can connect and heal any hurts that have accumulated throughout the day. This takes time and consistency. Remember, we are dealing with fairly immature brains here. Our leadership paired with neurological development can lead to new circuits that take our kids from blowing up to working through emotions in productive ways. And not just emotions but impulse control, problem-solving, and relationship repair, to name a few.  Our children are never going to have fewer emotions. In fact, they will only get more complex as they get older. But when we stay steadfast in our connection and guidance, they become adults who don’t feel less but who feel their feelings and know what to do with them. 

During a meltdown moment, these 4 tips are your survival guide. What if I told you that the key to fewer meltdowns in your home was not to suppress them but to let them happen?  Any parent could probably tell ya that big emotions and challenging behaviors are daily (sometimes hourly, or, if you’re like our home, minute-by-minute) occurrences. So it makes good sense that we have some tools to know what to do when our children fall apart.  Why Children Struggle To Calm Down  Emotions are pretty new and alarming to our children who are still pretty new to this being alive thing. They struggle to control impulses, even when they know that certain behaviors are not desirable. They lack the foresight to see ahead to consequences and also the memory capacity to remember a “lesson” you taught five minutes ago.  As such, drowning in our frustration and overwhelm, we often work to make it all make sense. Because even more stressful than a flailing child is that feeling we get when we are at a loss as to why our children are behaving the way they are. We look to close the gap and fill in the missing puzzle pieces. We create narratives that our children are defiant, manipulative, and dramatic.  But what if our children were inherently good? If we came in with that mindsight then we’d begin to see that who our children are and what they do are two different things.  Our children are just being children. They are doing their job … making mistakes, learning about themselves and the world, and feeling their feelings. This isn’t a plot to “get us” like the Boogie Man but rather their road to development.  4 Ways To Get Your Child To Calm Down Now that we know the role of our children, what’s ours? Well, we come in with our sage wisdom, being a guide by the side that they can trust, both in their moments of regulation but also during dysregulation… especially during dysregulation. So, next time your child is exploding like an emotional volcano, give these four tips a go.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns 1. Move to a smaller space.  It doesn’t feel good to feel out of control, especially in front of a crowd. Help your child transition from a large room to a smaller one, from a room with an audience to a quieter space. In removing extra stimulation and influences, your child’s nervous system can shift more quickly. It may sound something like this: “I see this feels hard. I am going to help you to your room where we can sit together. You are safe and I love you.” 2. Validate and empathize with your child.  This is one of our biggest roles as parents. Validating our child’s experiences meets one of the most vital needs for connection, which ultimately leads to regulation. Our children want to know that their feelings, thoughts, and intuition matter, and to take it one step further, they want to know that their experience is real. They want to know that when they are struggling, they won’t be left alone with their overwhelm, which would feel pretty scary (and thus further a meltdown). Sometimes just feeling seen, heard, and understood is the balm our children desire. This may sound like: “Something doesn’t feel good inside of your body. I believe you, and I am here.”  3. Respect your child’s boundaries.  Many times, we are so consumed with what we think we should do or the right script or on giving our children what we didn't receive when we were young that we move further out of our relationship with our kids. Despite our best intentions, we are attempting to control the situation or outcome and control is the contrast to connection. Either way, we can end up inadvertently railroading our child’s boundaries. If your child desires closeness, offer it. If your child is asking for space, honor it.  This may sound like: “You are telling me to go away. I hear you. I will sit outside your closed door. I trust your body to know when it is ready. I am here any way you need me.” 4. Wait it out.  Whether you’re right next to your child or on the other side of the door, give your child the emotional space to feel what they are feeling to the full extent that they are feeling it. This means we aren’t fixing it or rushing them along to the next pleasant emotion. This means that we manage our own discomfort so that we can hold space for theirs. In order to fully process the limbic (emotional) tension in their bodies, they must be allowed to express it. Sometimes that takes two minutes, sometimes ten. Keep holding space without the agenda of gettin’ on to the next thing. As you begin to notice your child shift into a more regulated state, you may choose to touch on the pain point and finish the processing right then by taking a Time-In to discuss what happened, how they felt, and tools for next time, or maybe your child feels ready to move on.  Remember, when it comes to your child, you are the expert. Trust your own intuition to guide you in each meltdown moment. Ask yourself, What do I need right now? What does my child need right now? Use your context clues to give you the answers, because the answers live within you.  

Calming Spaces build emotional regulation antibodies, and here's how. When our children are hungry, we offer food.  When they are tired, we offer sleep.  When they want attention, we offer connection. As a parent, these needs often make sense to us and we have some ideas of how to meet them. But here is something else to think about. A Child's Need For Emotional Regulation When children experience big, unpleasant feelings and meltdowns, there is a need there too. They have a need to release tension and regulate their bodies. We can help meet that need by being emotionally responsive adults for our children.  Children who learn that vulnerability is a superpower - to feel big feelings and let them out of their body in the presence of their adult - retain a very important truth: all emotions are safe. Not just to feel but to express.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns This is huge, because emotional overwhelm is alarming to children, mostly because emotions are new to them. So when parents and educators make emotions safe, children feel secure to explore and participate in relationships and the world around them.  They don’t have to carry the burden of being blocked or denied emotional experiences. They can live more fully. As researcher and author Brené Brown shares, “Our kids come into this world wired for struggle and imperfection. Our job is to let them know they are worthy of love and to be truly loved, they must feel validated and seen.”  Emotional Regulation As A Skill Not only is emotional regulation a need, but it is also a skill. Our children have highly immature brains. While they are little Einsteins at detecting perceived threats and feeling feelings, they are a novice at knowing what to do with them. It takes ritual and consistency.  Each time a child’s emotions are met with connection, they grow a pathway in their brain for emotional regulation. They essentially cultivate a toolbelt for when they feel mad, sad, or frustrated.  Additionally, each time we invite our children to borrow our nervous system and model noticing, naming, and managing our emotions, our children mimic and embody that too. We are emotional beings neurobiologically wired to connect. And so when children are offered these experiences, they not only develop mentally and physically but emotionally as well.  Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids Having a Calming Space in your home or classroom meets a child’s fundamental needs and teaches the skills of being a human who feels. The concepts around a Calming Space are connection and co-regulation.  We don’t order, command, and demand that our children go to their Calming Space to figure out their emotions in isolation. Rather, this is a place where parents, caregivers, or educators go with children to help them notice, name, and process feeling sensations.  The Time-In ToolKit posters make it easy and fun for children to identify their feelings. With your help, children begin to connect sensations to words, expanding their emotional vocabulary. For example, “When my jaw is clenched and my fists are tight, I am feeling angry.”  These associations help children then manage physically. “When I feel angry, I can __.” The ToolKit also offers a Calming Strategies poster to help children explore which calming activities feel most nourishing to them.  Practicing this in fun, playful ways during regulated moments, in a daily ritual such as pre-bedtime or during circle time in class, can help children access calming strategies during dysregulation. And as stated above, when we model using the Calming Space ourselves, children are more likely to mirror our patterns and adopt them as their own.  Calming Corner Spaces Create Life-Long Skills  Our feelings are forces. And feelings that don’t have permission to leave our body fly out as dysregulated behaviors. When we educate from fear and compliance, asking our children to suppress or deny themselves, they grow up to be adults who are developmentally in no better place to manage their emotions than they were as a child.  We want our children to connect and talk with us and we want to prepare them for life in different ways. Using a Calming Space is like a pre-regulation tool, preparing kids for different feelings. This builds emotional regulation antibodies, so to speak. It takes all of the aloneness and scariness and replaces it with safety and love. And when children feel safe, they can learn. 

The best way to decrease meltdowns associated with big, unpleasant emotions is to give our children tools to communicate them. For just a moment, step into your toddler’s adorably-sized shoes. All of a sudden, there is this sensation in your body and it doesn’t feel good. You don’t know what it is. You just want it to go away but, because you live so deeply in the present moment, it seems like the sensation will last forever. This panic sends a message to your brain and your brain sends a message to your body: There is a threat. React now!  Stage left, enter a toddler meltdown. Seems a little scary, doesn’t it? So much happening in such a small moment of time for such a relatively new human. Stepping back into your adult shoes now, it helps put into perspective the tears, power struggles, and thrashing that happen during your child’s dysregulation. It’s not that our toddlers have different emotions than us, but they are new and unfamiliar to them. This can feel pretty unsafe for a brain that’s still heavily under construction. SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns Name It To Tame It! To decrease meltdowns associated with big, unpleasant emotions, we can give our children tools to communicate with them. This type of co-regulation takes the newness and scariness out of their feelings and replaces them with two key ingredients: connection and play.  Feelings face posters and plush toys help children create these pathways for emotional regulation when practiced in ritual with a safe, supportive adult (wink, wink, I am looking at you). When children realize that they have tools to work through these big feelings and that they are not alone in figuring them out, really amazing things happen.  For younger tots, kiddos with developmental speech delays, nonverbal children, and children who would rather “show” you their emotions than speak them aloud, SnuggleBuddies plush toys just might be the balm to soothe the alarm that happens when emotions take over. They mark all the boxes. Take a look for yourself.  Safety: SnuggleBuddies are soft and cuddly which feels safe to your young learner. Motivating: Your child can choose from eight snuggly plushes to intrinsically motivate them to learn about emotions with their new friend.  Play-based: SnuggleBuddies are playful and fun, and as science shows, play is the language in which kids learn.  Practical: Your kiddo can take their Pal with them wherever they choose so they can process emotions at home or on the go.  Educational: SnuggleBuddies have four mood emojis to help children notice, name, and regulate their emotions. SnuggleBuddies remind us to get CURIOUS... not furious about big emotions. This is what that looks like in action. In this video a member-mom sent in, you can see a sweet 4-year-old girl who has been struggling with hitting and biting (impulse control issues) since her parents separated.  Instead of hitting mom or their dog as she had been doing since the separation, after a week with her SnuggleBuddies, this child was able to name and share her feelings instead.  Playing With SnuggleBuddies Plush Toys Much like your child, each SnuggleBuddies has four main moods that live inside of them. These are represented by color-coded mood emojis, or "storytellers":  Yellow = Happy Green = Calm Blue = Sad  Red = Mad/Scared Because children are wired with mirror neurons that mimic the nervous systems in front of them, model using the SnuggleBuddies yourself, sharing when you feel a big emotion. First, describe the emotional sensation in your body. “My jaw is clenched and my hands are sweaty.” Then share how you feel. “I feel mad.”  You may also witness these emotions within your child and help them notice as they occur. For example, let's say that your child wants a cookie and you set a boundary. Your child falls to the floor crying, banging his fists. You may say, “I notice you banging the floor. You wanted the cookie.” as you grab your child’s plush, pulling out the Red Emoji.  Over time, your child will begin to associate certain sensations with different mood emojis. You may also find that the presence of your child’s SnuggleBuddy offers comfort to help regulate him.  Another way to bring safety and familiarity to SnuggleBuddies is to create nightly rituals where your family comes together to share: “When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today?” Even the youngest of learners, who can’t yet fully participate, absorb so much as they listen and watch. You can even use The SnuggleBuddies Feelings Song to make this ritual more playful. And of course, maybe the best way to play with SnuggleBuddies is through actual play! Use the sing-a-long, Feelings Bingo, or encourage them to share using the laminated feelings journal that comes with each SnuggleBuddies. Role play or play pretend. Come up with new games with your child. The greatest learning is through exploration, and when emotions become something to explore together, we don’t have to experience them alone. Step by step, this is how we create an emotionally healthy home.

"Before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my mancave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed." By Brandon Janous It happened at dinner the other night. Not the actual “it” but a conversation about “it.” My 10-year-old daughter: “Daddy, did you know that a girl in my class already started her period?" Me: (After nearly spitting my wine all over the dinner table) “No, sweetie, I didn’t know this. No one told me that a girl in your class had started her period. How do you feel about this?” Daughter: “Well, I don’t think I really want to talk to you about it because you’re not a girl, and this is girl stuff.” Me: “Right, I totally understand, sweetie, but if you do, I can handle it because, well, I know some girls, and I know that every girl goes through this.” Daughter: “I understand, daddy. Maybe one day. But not today.” She then proceeded to spend the next 47 minutes talking about it. She told me that she was a little scared but also a lot prepared. She encouraged her little sister that it will be ok and that she has pads under her bed and in her backpack and that she will help her with it all when her time comes. She also let her little brother know that he’s lucky that he’s a boy and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything except hair growing in weird places and stinky armpits. Needless to say, the other night at dinner, we had “the talk.” She doesn’t think we did because “this is girl stuff.”  But we for sure had “the talk.” I don’t know that I did it right or that I said all the right things. And to be honest, for the most part, I just listened. But the important part is that for 47 minutes, she talked.  I’m certain that this won’t be the last time she’s not ready to talk to me about something. And I realize that I’m not nearly as equipped as her mommy would have been for these types of conversations. It’s no secret that mommies are superheroes. They are just built differently and can handle anything that is thrown their way. And I’m not just talking about girl stuff; I’m talking about all stuff. I think it’s fair to say that God spent a little more time when he made mommies. They sacrifice their bodies, their sleep, their social life, eating hot meals, peeing alone, their memory, their energy, and so many other things the moment their child is born. God didn’t make daddies that way. Sometimes I wonder if He took a shortcut when He made us. Maybe it’s different for some dads, but for me, it’s just not innate or in my nature to give up sleep, eat cold meals, pee with little ones accompanying me, have hard talks, and all the other things that mommies do so well. It’s work. It’s hard. And often, it’s just super uncomfortable. But over these last few years, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s in the super uncomfortable where the good stuff happens. I’m not sure if it’s statistically proven, but it seems to me that girls are wired to talk. Maybe it’s just my girls. Maybe you don’t see that with yours. But mine can talk. And I think it’s safe to say that if I’m not there to listen, someone else will fill that space. That scares me to death, and I’m certainly not ready to allow someone else to take that role from me. There is, hands down, no other man in our daughters’ life that wields as much influence as we do. From a toddler to a teenager, we are the most powerful person in the world in her eyes. And as long as she’ll allow me to be that person, I’m going to do everything in my power to be just that. As dads, we have the option to either live with the regret of conversations not had and the times we didn’t show up, or we can choose to be a constant, maybe even annoying presence in their lives, and not just in the easy and good times, but in the awkward and hard ones too. To be honest, before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my man cave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. It would have been so much easier just to let my daughter and her mommy figure this stuff out. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed. It would have been easy to run as fast and far away as I could. But it was awesome staying close, being present, and simply having a talk that she didn’t even know we had. It seems like overnight, the piggybanks and pigtails have begun to fade away. My little girl isn’t so little anymore. She doesn’t hop up on my lap like she once did. She doesn’t need me to read her a bedtime story anymore. The hugs don’t last quite as long as they used to. And I understand that one day there will probably be a man that will enter her life and become more important to her than I am. A person that she will share all the hard stuff with. A person that will inevitably take my place. Today isn’t that day. And for now, I get to be that person. And what I notice, now more than ever, is that she still wants to know that I’m there. Whether it’s while we watch a movie, take a quick trip to the grocery store, or even during our bedtime routine. I’ll catch her glancing over at me, just to make sure I’m there. She’s not looking for words; she’s just looking for me. Because “me” is enough.

Dinner time can be used for more than eating a good meal and catching up with family. By Sara Carter Dinner time can be used for more than eating a good meal and catching up with family. The kitchen has endless educational opportunities for your kids. From your littlest ones up to your teenagers, the kitchen can double as a classroom to teach them lessons that will be valuable throughout their lives.  Whether it’s helping with meal preparation or assisting with the grocery list, cooking can be a fun family activity. Not to mention, with kids going back to school, small tasks can be great opportunities to incorporate a bit of homework and practice counting, spelling, writing, and more. All of these tactics not only educate your family but can help with building meaningful relationships with your children. Follow along for more ways to educate your children in the kitchen. Allow Them to Help with Preparation In the long run, involving kids in mealtime preparation will set them up for success in adulthood. Now that’s not saying your toddler has been put to work, but there are many ways of getting everyone involved.  Kids under the age of ten can help pull ingredients out from the cupboards (depending on height) or the refrigerator. If they’re of the reading age, give them a chance to look at your recipe and practice reading and sound things out loud. Aside from gathering ingredients, younger helpers can also assist with setting the table. As they’ll need to get out the proper number of place settings, this is another chance for your kids to practice counting with you. Both offer a fun way to get kids to practice their phonics and math skills outside of their homework.  Older kids can help with chopping ingredients or measuring items. This offers a way for them to practice assembling a dish from start to finish while also using organizational skills to follow the recipe. If you have a particularly stubborn helper who puts off their school work, you can use cooking time to quiz them on spelling and math as you go. For instance, if you have to cut a recipe in half, let them do the subtraction for the ingredients list.  Depending on their household chores, you can make meal preparation part of your kid’s weekly schedule. There are a number of other chores in the kitchen that your kids can contribute to as part of their weekly responsibilities, too. With school and extracurricular activities coming back in session, things can quickly get hectic. Setting a regular schedule of chores allows you to plan ahead of time and bonding time is not sacrificed amongst your busy schedule.    Work Together on a Grocery List Giving kids the freedom to make their own choices can help empower and instill responsibility in them. Building a weekly grocery list does both of these things and is also full of other educational opportunities. For teens, it gives them a chance to talk about finances and educate them on a budget. This may be especially helpful for teens getting their first jobs or heading off to college in the next few years. Little kids can join in on the finance fun, too. Invite them to find coupons in weekly ads or talk about what snacks they may want to enjoy that week.  Bringing your kids along to the grocery store is also a great way to get the kids involved. As you walk through the grocery store, encourage your kids to help find items on your list, either by spelling things out or going through the store in a particular order. You can also talk to your kids about bulk prices and compare brand names versus store-specific items for cost savings. If a specific product isn’t available, work together with your child to find an alternative or substitution. With the supply chain being wonky recently, this is an easy lesson to execute with empty shelves. Talk About Alternatives If your schedule gets choked with practices, concerts, games, and other extracurricular activities during the school year, you may find that you eat out more than at home. Still, this doesn’t eliminate all chances to teach your kids food-related skills. Much like the grocery store, do a price comparison with them or break down what the meal costs each individual. Maybe your family has a favorite dish at a restaurant. Try to find a copycat recipe so you can teach them how to make it at home. Food delivery is definitely on the uptick for busy families. From grocery delivery from stores like Walmart to food delivery from Grubhub, many options are available to use with your family. Before clicking “place your order” you can take a moment to teach your family some lessons. Price comparison is a big opportunity here as you can show them differently priced items side by side in your online shopping cart. Another lesson you can impart to your children is thanking workers by tipping delivery drivers. Tipping drivers is a great way to teach kids of all ages how to show appreciation towards others and how to pay someone for their services.  Family mealtime is full of educational opportunities for your children. From financial lessons to working through a recipe, there are many ways to involve your kids while cooking in the kitchen. Remember to assign age-appropriate tasks, and plan things ahead of time, so you’re not overwhelmed on a busy night. But at the end of the day, this is a chance to bond with your family.  ** Sara Carter is a co-founder of Enlightened Digital. She enjoys spending her days writing about technology and business, writing code, or chasing her kids and dog.

For many years, I have centered my work around one message: Connection is everything. It’s our ticket to enjoying this parenting journey more. Of course, the question always then becomes, “How can we set boundaries and correct our children without losing that connection?” If we confuse “staying connected” with “never upsetting our children,” things begin to get very tricky. I have to admit, when I was first transitioning to positive parenting 13 years ago, I made the mistake of confusing the two. At the realization of how important my relationship was with my kids, I became fearful of ruining our bond. As a result, I struggled with setting and enforcing limits which had me constantly teetering between permissiveness and authoritarian parenting. When my permissiveness inevitably led to chaos, I reverted to my traditional punitive ways briefly before trying again to be the positive parent I desired to be. So, if you’re struggling with something similar in your parenting journey, I’d like to share with you what helped me learn to stand firm yet gentle in my position as a leader. Here’s something to remember. A good connection isn’t feeble. It isn’t going to break because you say no. It won’t crumble when you hold a boundary or even allow a consequence. A temporarily upset child (or parent) doesn’t equal a broken bond. When I was tip-toeing around my kids, afraid of breaking our connection by upsetting them, I felt powerless to correct their behavior. When I realized our relationship wasn’t that fragile, I was able to set and enforce limits and correct my children’s off-track behavior with confidence. Think of parenting like a balance scale for a moment. Ideally, there will be lots of positive, happy, snuggly, smiling moments and fewer negative (correcting, reprimanding, upsetting, frustrating) moments. When we focus too much on correcting or reprimanding and don’t give enough positive attention, the scale starts to tip in the wrong direction. When the negative outweighs the positive, connections crumble. On the other hand, if we try to make sure that all we have are positive interactions, we will be blatantly ignoring or pushing down a lot of things, because life isn’t always pleasant. If our kids never hear no or if they never encounter adversity, they’ll be woefully unprepared for life’s challenges. They’ll lack resilience, grit, and character. I’m not saying we have to make things hard on our kids for them to learn. I’m just saying that we cannot always rescue and coddle them either.  Ah, but there’s a small caveat. Even though we may have fewer negative moments than positive moments, being harsh or shaming during correction is still damaging to the relationship. In other words, saying “No, I won’t allow you to do that” isn’t damaging, but “You’re a bad boy” is. A solid connection can handle adversity, but shame will always be emotionally wounding. It turns out that shaming is all too common, and although children are very forgiving when we mess up, harsh words and actions leave their mark. So, learning how to approach negative behavior positively is important for keeping our connections strong, and this requires a shift in mindset and approach. Changing Your Mindset Positive parenting requires a shift from a fear-based mindset to a love-based mindset. Both authoritarian and permissive parenting are based on fear. The fear-based mindset says: I must control my child’s behavior. (authoritarian) My child learns not to repeat bad behavior by being punished. (authoritarian) I’m the dominant figure; my child is “under” me. (authoritarian) My child will hate me if I upset him. (permissive) Trying to positively parent with a fear-based mindset doesn’t work because the focus is still on who has the control, you or your child. The love-based mindset says: My role is to teach my child appropriate behavior. My child learns by my example via limits that are set and enforced respectfully. While I am the leader, my child is a human being with equal rights to be respected and heard. The positive parenting shift occurs when you move away from controlling your child’s behavior toward understanding it. Only when you understand where it’s coming from can you help her either heal the wound it is emanating from, meet the need, or learn the skill she is lacking? Changing Your Approach Once the focus is off control and on connection and understanding, how do you approach correcting or enforcing your limit while maintaining your connection? Find a few trusted parenting resources that inspire and uplift you and weed out the rest.  There is so much contradicting parenting information and advice out there that it can be completely overwhelming. The truth is that it is all trial and error anyway. Learn from those few that you trust. Read their blogs. Watch their videos. Take what resonates and leave the rest, but remember that you are a unique parent with a one-of-a-kind child.  What works for your mentor may not work for you, and that doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. It means you are on your own journey, and you will find your way. Look beyond the behavior of the little person in front of you.  It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to correct what is irritating you. Sometimes we slip into behavior patrol rather than parenting the whole human being. Ask yourself: What is he experiencing right now? What might he be feeling? What kind of help does he need from you? When you put your focus back on the human instead of the behavior, you can approach it with a level head. Validate your child’s emotions.  So often, our kids just want to know that we see them, we hear them, we understand. We may disagree with their expression of an emotion, but the emotion itself is just data. All emotions are valid. It’s our job to help them learn how to handle a wide range of emotions, not to suppress or ignore them.  Reparent yourself Reparenting work allows you to develop the emotional skills you need to tame your triggers, break unhealthy patterns, and provide the best environment and version of yourself that you can.  Look for solutions rather than punishments.  Kids need to learn how to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.  With lots of positive interactions, a love-based mindset, and a positive approach to changing behavior, you can keep your connection with your kids strong as you enforce your limits, correct off-track behavior, and guide them through childhood.

Our kids sometimes have bad attitudes because they are... well... human. Here are five tools to tame your child's disrespect. 

Disrespectful behavior is a normal response for an underdeveloped, reactive brain. Our response to this normal behavior, however, will determine whether a negative cycle ensues or our relationship is strengthened. When you must choose between showing power or showing love, choose love.

Show up both firm and kind Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.  Meltdowns It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship. This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.  Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions. If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.  You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.  Backtalk All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem. During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate. Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.  It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play." For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.  Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.” It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation. Not Listening When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen? Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation. Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.  Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.  Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.   Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting. 

Here are common parenting phrases, what kids hear, and what we can say instead to get on the same page. You know that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Where is the parenting version of that? Because lately, I'm pretty sure my children and I are not only living on two different planets, but we are speaking two different alien languages.  Somehow, me asking my child not to jump on the couch or slap her brother or throw a block at my head translates into more jumping, slapping, and throwing.  Even my best attempts to get my child to listen turn into a battle, leaving both of us feeling out of control, frustrated, and ultimately further apart (forget different planets, more like different galaxies). It turns out that miscommunications between parents and children are not uncommon, and when we look at the science behind our children’s developing nervous system, it all makes sense. This brain science explains not only why our kids can't hear us but what we can do about it. For children to process and integrate what we are saying, we must speak in a language they can understand. Here’s what we know:  1. Children are wired to experience life and the world around them from their brainstem (reactive/defensive part of the brain) and limbic system (emotional part of the brain).  They do not yet have access to thinking, moving, and making decisions using their higher brain regions (aka the responsive/logical part of the brain responsible for most of the "executive functioning skills" we all wish our two and three-year-olds had already).  This means that anytime our children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, sensory overwhelm, or bump into an "unmet need", such as feeling hungry, tired, lonely, overpowered, or off-routine, they will resort to their more illogical and defensive "fight, flight, and freeze" mechanisms, wired to keep them safe and well-attached to us.  Just as with any other skill, the best way to build the higher brain regions is to practice them through games and time-ins where children have the chance to learn from not only their many feelings, but their thoughts, actions, and even their mistakes. 2. A child’s brain is designed to process concrete information. Using words that describe what we want our children to do (as opposed to what we don't) help children hear what we are saying and respond instead of reacting. Plus, using concrete, tangible tools that kids can touch, hold, play with, and see helps children learn from their feelings and the many little teaching moments that happen in everyday life.  3. Children do much better when things are predictable and concrete. This means when we have boundaries in place that are consistent and revealed ahead of time it incentivizes the behaviors we desire. What Parents Say And What Kids Hear Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we say to what our children hear. Let’s take a look at a few common examples: When we say ...  1. Be quiet. Kids hear/internalize: I am too much right now.  What to do instead: "Be quiet” is abstract and hard for children to process. Encourage your child to choose to be respectful with their voice rather than punishing them for doing what feels natural. Hand gesture a volume dial, model being quiet by playfully whispering, have them mirror your tone (loud then quiet), play the quiet game, and offer redirection. 2. Be careful. Kids hear/internalize: The world is scary.  What to do instead: Say what you want your child to do. “Get down… walk on the sidewalk” or ask questions like, “What do we need to do before we cross the street?” Let your children grow in their awareness of themselves and the world.  3. Hurry up. Kids hear/internalize: I need to give up my desires for yours.  What to do instead: Be clear, respectful, and firm. “We are leaving in ten minutes.” You may help your child by offering a visual schedule, announcing the transition, and/or using a timer. 4. Let me do that for you. Kids hear/internalize: I am not capable and my parents can do it better.  What to do instead: Never do for a child what they think they can do for themselves. Give your child time to learn. Offer encouragement, “I believe in you. You can do hard things.” And if you must hurry, offer something like, “How about I put on this shoe and you put on that one.” 5. Be a good boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: I am good when I do good, and I am bad when I do bad. What to do instead: Communicate to your child that who they are and what they do are two separate things. They are always a good kid, and sometimes they have a hard time. To communicate this, connect before you redirect: Meet the unmet need, validate the feeling, set boundaries, and teach new skills through co-regulation.  6. Be a big boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: Bigger is better, so I can’t wait to be older. This incentivizes our kids to be more than they are.  What to do instead: Celebrate your child for the age they are, and the abilities they have. “Wow, you’re four. What a great age to be.” or “I see you working hard on that. Way to stick with it!” 7. Don’t jump, hit, scream … or any other verb. Kids hear/internalize: Jump, hit, scream. What to do instead: State the behaviors you do desire. “Feet on the floor … You can hit the drum … Match my voice.” 8. Don’t whine. Kids hear/internalize: I am not allowed to express myself. My wants and needs are bad or wrong.  What to do instead: Help your child find her powerful voice via play. “Where is Ella’s powerful voice? It was here just a minute ago?!” Or gesture her powerful voice by tapping your throat. Or say, “I want to help. I can’t understand what you are saying. Please use your powerful voice.” 9. Stop crying. Kids hear/internalize: It is unsafe to show emotion. What to do instead: Help your child name it to tame it and feel it to heal it. “I see you are so sad, and I am here for you.”  10. Stop being shy. Give him a hug. Kids hear/internalize: What I feel inside isn’t what is good or right or acceptable. What to do instead: Invite your child to tune in to their intuition and trust what they find. Offer support. “I see you don’t want to give hugs right now. That’s okay. Listen to your body.” 11. We don’t do that in this house. Kids hear/internalize: I did that (behavior), so I must not belong.  What to do instead: State an observation and then set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. “I see a boy who threw his dinner bowl. All done.”  12. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional. Kids hear/internalize: My feelings are wrong, not allowed, not safe.  What to do instead: Pause to notice and manage your triggers and stay curious about your child’s experience. Validate emotions, hold space, and make it safe to feel. 13. Oh come on, it's not that bad. Kids hear/internalize: What I THINK I am feeling is false. I cannot trust myself, my body, or my feelings. There must be something wrong with me. What to do instead: Remind yourself that feelings are not RIGHT or WRONG... they are data. Validate your child's emotions even if you do not like them. Get curious about your child's thoughts and possible unmet needs. 14. You make me so mad. Kids hear/internalize: I am responsible for others’ feelings.  What to do instead: State how you feel using an I statement. “I feel frustrated when I see the cat get hit because he could get hurt." If you currently use any of these, meet yourself with compassion. We are wired to say most of these phrases because it’s what was modeled for us by generations past. Being a cycle breaker takes awareness, which is exactly what this article invites. Compassionate awareness.  When our children feel safe, powerful, and connected, they have an easier time listening and cooperating with us. This is the power of taking a "connection with" rather than a "power over" approach to raising kids. Our words can either nurture, support and guide our kids ---- or they can become their inner critic. I choose connection.

Crying is Communication – Generation Mindful Crying ruffles us. Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother's brain when she hears her baby's cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother? Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone" because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby's cries.  The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.  However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?  And it doesn't even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it's very effective in its design. When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to "sleep train" or to "ignore a tantrum" so as not to "reinforce bad behavior," I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.  My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn't even escalate into cries because I couldn't stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn't do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don't condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won't even get into how it affects the baby's brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.  The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be "tough." I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the "drama king or queen" teen who is crying "over nothing."  All throughout parenthood, I've been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice. Crying is Communication To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what's going on internally for them. SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.  Comforting him won't make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don't feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.  If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don't have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The "boundaries with empathy" option allows you to say, "I see that you are upset about the cookie.  That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much." She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.  The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won't buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn't get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn't resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.  FAQ Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom? From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood. Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else? It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best. About the Author Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of 2 boys. 

I grew up in poverty. We did not take beach vacations. I never saw Disney World or even so much as visited a museum. But every summer, we took a one-day trip to a rinky-dink amusement park in the hills of West Virginia. It was our “big trip” of the season, and I was always incredibly excited for it. As a child, the only thing that mattered to me was spending time as a family having fun. Recently, I took my own children to that same tiny park, and so the tradition lives on. What’s the Purpose of Traditions? Family traditions don’t have to be big to be bold. They come in all shapes and sizes, from the smallest repeated gestures to the grand celebrations. Any activity that your family does ritualistically can be considered tradition. Often, they start rather unintentionally as families naturally discover what they enjoy doing together and repeat those experiences.  Other traditions are set with intention, either because they’ve been passed down from generation to generation or because we want to purposefully create a sense of togetherness and unity within our family systems.  They can be used to create structure and a sense of safety, two things that all children benefit from. Traditions can reflect your family values, such as donating toys or volunteering regularly. Or they can ensure that we slow down and spend time together in an otherwise busy and buzzing life. They are a way of staying connected. Family traditions hold a special place in our hearts, creating fond memories that are borne out of every board game, road trip, or celebration. They give us a shared identity and strengthen our bonds. They nurture feelings of belonging, and there is even some suggestion that family traditions promote better emotional adjustment. Dr. Steven Wolin, a psychiatrist at the George Washington University, says, “If you grow up in a family with strong rituals, you’re more likely to be resilient as an adult. We know that either way, there are strong benefits to feeling emotionally connected to our loved ones. The Culture of Busyness is Wreaking Havoc on Family Systems We are living in times where parents are working longer, kids are schooling longer, and everyone is glued to their devices when not working or schooling. It seems that every moment of every day is being gobbled up and we are just too distracted to notice. Perhaps we need traditions and rituals now more than ever.  Traditions have the power to bring us back to one another. Whether that is around the campfire or the Monopoly board, we are offered a chance to come face to face with those we love. In doing so, we are reminded that time is short and that children do not stay children for long. Traditions are a way for us to celebrate one another and this wild and beautiful life. 10 Traditions to Start with Your Family 1. Take a picture in the same place every year on the first day of school. You won’t believe how much bigger they will look than last year. 2. Go on monthly Mommy/Daddy dates. These are a great way for children to get the one-on-one attention they crave. 3. Create a time capsule every year, either on a child’s birthday or perhaps New Year’s Eve. 4. Create a family fight song. You can use a well-known tune as a foundation and change the words to suit your family. Use it as a cheer when a family member accomplishes something or as a pep rally to help pump someone up for a big day!  5. Create seasonal traditions like visiting a pumpkin patch every fall and snow tubing every winter.  6. Keep a weekly game night, movie night, or some other family activity that you enjoy. 7. Make up handshakes, code words, or special symbols that only have meaning for your family.  8. Have the same breakfast on a holiday morning, such as pancakes with sprinkles on Christmas or shaped into a bunny face on Easter.  9. Hold weekly family meetings and ask everyone to share one thing they appreciate about a member of the family. 10. Start a tradition where everyone donates an unwanted item every time they receive a new gift. This helps keep down clutter and teaches responsibility!

3 Steps To Blast Through The Shame And Reclaim Your Power The memes are swirling again. You only get 18 summers with your children. Make it count! Don’t miss out on a single second! You’re running out of time! Make sure you give them an epic summer! The clock is ticking! Don’t fail them! I understand the sentiment, really. It’s meant to be a reminder to pay attention and soak it in. No harm meant. Much like “your children are only little once” and “enjoy every second.”  But how these sentiments land really depends on one’s current state - emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, etc.  When you’re struggling, these well-meaning sentiments land like a swift slap to the cheek. They can induce waves of guilt and not-enoughness as we: Share custody with a co-parent, only getting half of the summer Navigate the troubled waters of a mentally or physically ill child Work extra shifts, multiple jobs, or longer hours to make ends meet Feel grief and loss or fight the darkness that is descending Attempt to rebuild broken relationships or shattered dreams Lack the financial capability to trek to Disney or beaches Feel complete exhaustion from running in circles daily Work to piece together childcare solutions because work doesn’t break for the summer Crave alone time because you’re now a 24/7 jungle gym for little ones There have been periods in my life when those inspirational memes and quotes did just that - inspired me. They landed softly. Sweetly. They stirred something positive in me.  This summer, when my life is upside down and nothing looks the way it’s supposed to, they land hard and it stings. They leave me feeling deeply ashamed and inferior. It is not the fault of the meme-sharer. While it lands hard on me, it is landing softly on countless other parents, gently encouraging and nudging them along their paths, inspiring connection and presence.  No, it is not incumbent on those who share such things to make sure I am okay enough to read them. My reaction is my own, and rather than spiraling into the shame it evokes, I can notice my not-enoughness - my guilty reaction - and take some important steps. Step One: Notice My reaction to “you only get 18 years” landed hard because my kids are teenagers. I don’t have anywhere close to 18 left. I have only 2 left with one child, and 4 left with another. When you’re staring at the end of a journey, well, there are a whole lot of emotions.  Not only is my time left with them extremely limited, but shared custody limits it more. Now the pressure is really on. I need to provide the most awesome final childhood memories. But wait, financially, things are strapped. We won’t be flying to Disney World like so many of our friends. We won’t spend a week lounging in front of the Atlantic.  It’s no wonder the well-meaning sentiment hit so hard. But now that I’ve noticed the sting and paid attention to its message, I can make the conscious decision not to spiral into the shame it initially evoked.  Your reasons for the sting are different, but I want you to know they are valid. You’re not being silly or overly sensitive. You have permission to feel it all - your disappointment, frustration, sadness, grief - whatever is bubbling up to the surface for you, let it come. Feel your feelings and breathe.  Step Two: Choose Compassion Now that we’ve noticed the frenzy of feelings that are coming up for us, let’s meet them with compassion. Let’s hold ourselves in a safe space while they wash over us, and then allow them to go, appreciating the messages they brought but not holding on to them.  I have to purposefully choose to be heavy on the self-affirmations this summer - to dose up self-love and self-care because myself is hurting and needs to heal. When the shame gremlins whisper in my ear, when they speak to me of my inferiority, mistakes, and failures, I have to look them in the eye and whisper back “I am enough.” And even though I may not believe it at that moment, I may not truly feel enough, I will repeat it because the little girl within is listening.  Step Three: Own What I Can Do When I focus on everything I cannot do or provide this summer, I feel despair. But when I focus on what I can do, I feel empowered.  I can make and accept bids for connection. I can be present and give my full attention at times. I can stop worrying about tomorrow. I can take a short trip. I can build them up and share my love. I can leave the past where it belongs. I can choose love over fear. I can enjoy the days we have together, and if not the whole day, at least a part of it. Maybe I can’t give my children a magical summer, but I can help make it lovely. I can’t fly them to Universal Studios but I can make sure they feel seen and valued and deeply, deeply loved. As for me, I can take the next small step toward rebuilding a life that I love. I can rest in the knowledge that this difficult stage is only temporary, as all stages are. And most importantly, I can acknowledge that life doesn’t end when my kids hit 18. I will have lifelong relationships with them, and there will be many, many more opportunities for grand adventures, epic trips, and great memory-making. Sure, childhood may be nearing its end, but life - well life is just getting started, isn’t it? A new stage is coming, and I have a feeling it’s going to get much better. 

7 proactive tips + 3 in the moment tools Moving from summer break to back to school is a transition, and transitions are tricky for kids, which means they are also tricky for parents. But you don’t have to navigate this alone. We have some tools to make it less stressful for both you and your child. But first, let’s look at one reason why children may be hesitant to shift gears this school season. Two words: Separation Anxiety.  Now certainly, there are many other aspects that make it challenging for children to transition based on circumstance, brain development, and individual biochemistry and temperament, but for the sake of this article, we are focusing on your child’s fear of being away from you.   Back-To-School Separation Anxiety  Our greatest need as humans is attachment. Our children instinctively know this and communicate this need through their behavior. Does your child struggle to say goodbye or scream at drop-off? Do you find that your child is clingy? How about resisting bedtime with a zillion “one more, mommy” requests? While separation anxiety is most intense for babies and toddlers, older children may experience similar sensations when sick, frightened, or feeling unsure or stressed. This is because children, as an innate survival mechanism, are wired to seek their deepest attachments for safety and security. A perceived threat will move them away from danger and toward protection - aka you.  But is a transition really a threat? Well, to a child’s developing brain, often yes. They process the world very concretely and so anything that is outside the familiar can throw a real wrench in their regulation. So, that thing called school that happened eight weeks ago may be a trigger.  Another thing that registers as a threat to our child’s developing brain is being away from you. School requires them to leave their safe attachment and be with a less familiar caregiver - to go from their safe space (aka home) to a place where things are new and different.  7 Proactive Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety Here are 7 tools to help prepare you for the back-to-school transition.  1. Shift routines now A week or maybe days before school begins, bring some simple school-year rituals back into your home. This may include setting a sensible bedtime, selecting tomorrow’s clothes, and a visual chart to help with morning routines.  2. Visit the school  If it is available to do so before the school year begins, plan a tour with your child or attend available school orientations. Spend time on the playground or in the classroom and introduce your child to their teacher. While we may feel comfortable with our children returning to school, our children often don’t feel this way until they have a connection with those who will be watching them in our absence. We can begin to foster that connection now.  3. Discuss the transition If visiting the actual school is not an option, verbally prepare your child for the transition. You may choose to review morning and after-school rituals, review class schedules, lunch and recess periods, and what they can expect during class. Break this up over the course of days and in age and developmentally appropriate chunks. Because our child's nervous system mirrors ours, our excitement and confidence will help reduce their anxious feelings.  4. Role-play A great way to prepare kids, especially younger ones, is through role-playing. Enact the school day with your child. First, invite your child to be the parent/teacher/bus driver while you are the student. Model what a day may look like. Then, switch, encouraging your child to take the student role. This helps them feel safer and in control. You may also practice skills like asking questions, introducing themselves, asking to play on the playground, or anything else that they feel uneasy about. In offering these playful experiences for your child, you help prime their brain for what is to come, replacing fear and aloneness with connection and silliness. 5. Arrange play dates If you know that your child is sharing classroom space with someone, get a playdate on the books before school starts. Studies show that the presence of a familiar peer during school transitions can enhance a child’s emotional adjustment to their new environment.  6. Practice separation For younger children, you may choose to practice the separation before school begins. Simply taking a walk around the block or leaving for the store while they are in the care of another safe adult helps establish trust that you will always come back. Slowly increase the increments that you are gone and build from there.  If you are unable to leave your home, practice within the home. Start next to your child and slowly increase separation until you are in another room. Meet your child where they are. If they can only be away for a few minutes, start there and build time. You may find that using a timer makes this process more concrete for your child.  7. Take a Time-In This is an opportunity to check in with how your child feels about the transition back to school. Using feeling charts, your child can communicate whether they feel excited, scared, sad or some other emotion. Your child trusts you so, instead of telling them that they have nothing to worry about and that they will have fun, listen and validate, reflecting on what you hear. If your child isn’t into communicating verbally, invite them to draw how they feel or measure how they feel. “How big are your nervous feelings?” Communicate that our feelings are visitors, they are valid, and they are useful. Discuss calming strategies to help your child anchor their anxiety.  3 In The Moment Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety 1. Focus on the return Instead of focusing on your departure, give energy to the next connection moment with your child. This helps your child relax into the transition instead of the impending doom that you will soon be separated. Trusting they will see you again, your child will feel less of the need to chase your attachment. This may sound like, “After school, I will pick you up and we will spend some time snuggling up together reading your new book!” 2. Offer brief goodbyes  A brief goodbye routine can help your child process the transition. Keep this ritual consistent each day so that, over time, they know what to expect, which helps them remain regulated and create stability around the transition from being with you to being without you. This may look like you offering a hug and saying, “I love you and I will see you soon” before leaving.  3. Give a token Another simple tool is to give a token of you to your child that they can take with them to school. This may be something they put in their pocket or a bracelet they wear or a little heart you draw on their hand. It could be a picture of your family or a little note in their lunchbox. Enroll your child and choose something meaningful together. This helps your child feel closer to you when you are not around.  If your child does become emotional around the back-to-school ritual, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong” Remind yourself that you are a good parent and that your loving effort will help build resilience.  Your child’s tears are a way of releasing anxiety, and when they can trust you to hold space and validate their experience, to guide them through it, they build a deeper sense of connection with you, which will help them trust that bond even when you are not around. 

Teaching your child to hit or scream into something when angry may train their brain to link anger and aggression, creating a counterproductive cycle. When it comes to calming strategies for kids, the internet has provided a vast array to choose from, but not all of them are backed by research. In fact, some of the most recommended tips - punching or screaming into a pillow and stomping feet, for example - are actually not good strategies for calming down. But let’s back up.  Anger is a normal emotion. We often give it a bad rap because unchecked anger can certainly lead to behavioral problems, aggression, and violence. But anger itself is not bad. There are no “good” and “bad” emotions. All emotions are data, and if we listen to why our anger is visiting and what it has to say, we’ll find that it has great value.  Anger may visit to help us: Protect ourselves from a threat Motivate us to solve a problem Defend our values and beliefs Inspire social action and justice Gain a sense of control While we typically think of calming strategies as a way to deal with anger, that is not the only emotion for our children to regulate. Over-excitement, fear, worry, jealousy, embarrassment, guilt, overwhelm, and silliness are just a few more examples of emotions that may need calming, though please note that calm and regulation are not the same!  Calming Strategies are Really Regulating Strategies Regulation is being able to recognize and modulate your emotions. It has nothing to do with achieving a certain state, but rather regulation is having your response to whatever emotion you are feeling be in your control. It’s mindful awareness, connecting with yourself and your emotion to listen to your needs at that moment, and this is what we can teach our children.  The message isn’t “don’t be mad” but how to be mad. Not “worry is useless,” but here’s how to calm your anxiety. When we label emotions as bad, we shut down important messages, but when we show our kids how to recognize, name, and regulate those emotions, they’ll learn true emotional intelligence.  According to a paper from the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004), the emotional life of toddlers and preschoolers is complex. Notably, the authors say, “The emotional health of young children is closely tied to the emotional and social characteristics of the environments in which they live.”  While differences in temperament are part of their biological makeup, their experiences are coded in their brain circuitry, and what we both model and teach regarding emotions affects how their brain circuits get “wired.” The early childhood years are critical for learning positive ways to deal with one’s emotional world as the brain's emotional center and the prefrontal cortex (where empathy, reasoning, and self-control lie) rapidly develop. This is the ideal time to introduce your child to The Time-In ToolKit and to create a Calming Corner in your home. I’ll discuss a little more about how to incorporate these tools in some calming strategies below. The Calming Strategies That May Do More Harm Now back to my original point. It turns out that strategies such as punching a pillow, stomping feet, screaming into a cushion, etc., may do more harm than good. I once thought these were appropriate tools to “get the anger out,” but research now tells us that these actions do not help us calm down. In fact, they continue the adrenaline rush that fuels the hostility. Iowa State University psychologist Brad Bushman, Ph.D., says, “Expressing anger actually increases aggression.”  He and his colleagues asked subjects to write an essay and to inspire anger, they handed it back to them with brutal critique. Next, the essay writers were asked to deliver bursts of noise to either the person who had insulted their paper or an innocent bystander. Angry participants who’d hit a punching bag before administering the sounds were twice as cruel in their choice of noise length and volume as those who had just sat quietly before performing the task. Furthermore, “they were aggressive toward both types of people,” said Bushman, “and that’s scary.” In fact, teaching your child to hit or scream into something when angry may train their brain to link anger and aggression, creating a counterproductive cycle. The rush they get from releasing aggression may become addictive. It may quickly become difficult for your little one to keep the hitting to the pillow! 5 Calming Strategies to Help Your Child Regulate Their Emotions 1. Help your child name their emotions The Feelings Faces Poster included in The Time-InToolKit is great for helping your child identify what they are feeling. They can then choose one of the activities from the Calming Strategies Poster to practice. This interactive Feelings Poster guides children through the process of emotional regulation by first helping them identify what emotion they are feeling and then providing suggestions for different fun activities they can use to help them calm their bodies. 2. Incorporate mindful movements Teaching your child how to move their body mindfully to create feelings of relaxation and calmness is beneficial. Inversion is a remarkable calming tool as it stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, producing feelings of relaxation and calm. Here are three mindful movements to try: Downward-facing dog. Begin on your hands and knees, curl your toes under, straighten your knees, and lift your hips! This is a relaxing inversion exercise! Stand like a flamingo. Simply balance on one leg and then switch! Palm presses. This is a good mindful movement for when your child needs to remain seated. Simply have them close their eyes and press their palms together firmly. Focus on the breath and the feeling of the palms.  3. Engage the five senses This grounding exercise for calming anxiety and stress will also help dissipate anger. Choose one sense (sight, smell, hearing, feeling, taste) and focus attention on it. For example, ask your child to look (sight) for the red objects in the room and name them. Red bear. Red cup. Red pen. Likewise, feel different objects around you and name their texture. Soft bear. Bumpy cardboard. Smooth tile. Continue this exercise until your breathing and heart rate slow to normal.  4. Teach breathing exercises  Teach breathing exercises such as blowing out finger candles and elephant breathing. The first is self-explanatory but for elephant breathing, teach your child to clasp their hands together and raise their arms up high (like an elephant’s trunk) as they take a big breath in. Now exhale and bend at the waist, taking the arms (trunk) down and between the legs.  5. Teach children to do a body scan  Start at the top of the head and scan down to the feet, noticing any tension or bad feelings in the body. Relax the parts where tension is felt. As it turns out, these calming strategies are great for adults too. Ask me how I know. ;) Practice these regularly with your child when they are calm and happy so that they will feel more natural when it’s time to use them. It will take time and consistency for this to become a habit.  As always when talking about child development, it won’t work 100% of the time, but teaching these calming strategies now will help your child build positive lifelong skills and increase their emotional intelligence. And remember, connection and PLAY are the world's very best teachers.