Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
6 Simple Ways To Diffuse Power Struggles With Your Toddler
by Ashley Patek
We cannot raise independent, assertive, and strong-willed adults if we force them to be passive, pliable, and obedient children. Here are 6 connection-based ways to diffuse and decrease power struggles in your home!
Mindful Moments Blog
6 Ways To Successfully Co-Parent With Your Ex
by Ashley Patek
How do we co-parent with our ex when we have differing views and parenting philosophies, and how do we keep our kids from being in the middle?
Mindful Moments Blog
When Your Child Says "I Hate You!"
by Guest Author
When your child says “I hate you!” you might find yourself getting defensive or you may feel the urge to assert control over the situation. The key to getting to the root of the challenge is to look beyond the hurtful words to figure out what’s going on for them emotionally. What are they really saying?
Mindful Moments Blog
10 Effective Tools For Your Child's Back-To-School Anxiety
by Ashley Patek
7 proactive tips + 3 in the moment tools
Moving from summer break to back to school is a transition, and transitions are tricky for kids, which means they are also tricky for parents. But you don’t have to navigate this alone. We have some tools to make it less stressful for both you and your child.
But first, let’s look at one reason why children may be hesitant to shift gears this school season. Two words: Separation Anxiety.
Now certainly, there are many other aspects that make it challenging for children to transition based on circumstance, brain development, and individual biochemistry and temperament, but for the sake of this article, we are focusing on your child’s fear of being away from you.
Back-To-School Separation Anxiety
Our greatest need as humans is attachment. Our children instinctively know this and communicate this need through their behavior. Does your child struggle to say goodbye or scream at drop-off? Do you find that your child is clingy? How about resisting bedtime with a zillion “one more, mommy” requests?
While separation anxiety is most intense for babies and toddlers, older children may experience similar sensations when sick, frightened, or feeling unsure or stressed. This is because children, as an innate survival mechanism, are wired to seek their deepest attachments for safety and security. A perceived threat will move them away from danger and toward protection - aka you.
But is a transition really a threat? Well, to a child’s developing brain, often yes. They process the world very concretely and so anything that is outside the familiar can throw a real wrench in their regulation. So, that thing called school that happened eight weeks ago may be a trigger.
Another thing that registers as a threat to our child’s developing brain is being away from you. School requires them to leave their safe attachment and be with a less familiar caregiver - to go from their safe space (aka home) to a place where things are new and different.
7 Proactive Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety
Here are 7 tools to help prepare you for the back-to-school transition.
1. Shift routines now
A week or maybe days before school begins, bring some simple school-year rituals back into your home. This may include setting a sensible bedtime, selecting tomorrow’s clothes, and a visual chart to help with morning routines.
2. Visit the school
If it is available to do so before the school year begins, plan a tour with your child or attend available school orientations. Spend time on the playground or in the classroom and introduce your child to their teacher. While we may feel comfortable with our children returning to school, our children often don’t feel this way until they have a connection with those who will be watching them in our absence. We can begin to foster that connection now.
3. Discuss the transition
If visiting the actual school is not an option, verbally prepare your child for the transition. You may choose to review morning and after-school rituals, review class schedules, lunch and recess periods, and what they can expect during class. Break this up over the course of days and in age and developmentally appropriate chunks. Because our child's nervous system mirrors ours, our excitement and confidence will help reduce their anxious feelings.
4. Role-play
A great way to prepare kids, especially younger ones, is through role-playing. Enact the school day with your child. First, invite your child to be the parent/teacher/bus driver while you are the student. Model what a day may look like. Then, switch, encouraging your child to take the student role. This helps them feel safer and in control. You may also practice skills like asking questions, introducing themselves, asking to play on the playground, or anything else that they feel uneasy about. In offering these playful experiences for your child, you help prime their brain for what is to come, replacing fear and aloneness with connection and silliness.
5. Arrange play dates
If you know that your child is sharing classroom space with someone, get a playdate on the books before school starts. Studies show that the presence of a familiar peer during school transitions can enhance a child’s emotional adjustment to their new environment.
6. Practice separation
For younger children, you may choose to practice the separation before school begins. Simply taking a walk around the block or leaving for the store while they are in the care of another safe adult helps establish trust that you will always come back. Slowly increase the increments that you are gone and build from there.
If you are unable to leave your home, practice within the home. Start next to your child and slowly increase separation until you are in another room. Meet your child where they are. If they can only be away for a few minutes, start there and build time. You may find that using a timer makes this process more concrete for your child.
7. Take a Time-In
This is an opportunity to check in with how your child feels about the transition back to school. Using feeling charts, your child can communicate whether they feel excited, scared, sad or some other emotion. Your child trusts you so, instead of telling them that they have nothing to worry about and that they will have fun, listen and validate, reflecting on what you hear. If your child isn’t into communicating verbally, invite them to draw how they feel or measure how they feel. “How big are your nervous feelings?” Communicate that our feelings are visitors, they are valid, and they are useful. Discuss calming strategies to help your child anchor their anxiety.
3 In The Moment Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety
1. Focus on the return
Instead of focusing on your departure, give energy to the next connection moment with your child. This helps your child relax into the transition instead of the impending doom that you will soon be separated. Trusting they will see you again, your child will feel less of the need to chase your attachment. This may sound like, “After school, I will pick you up and we will spend some time snuggling up together reading your new book!”
2. Offer brief goodbyes
A brief goodbye routine can help your child process the transition. Keep this ritual consistent each day so that, over time, they know what to expect, which helps them remain regulated and create stability around the transition from being with you to being without you. This may look like you offering a hug and saying, “I love you and I will see you soon” before leaving.
3. Give a token
Another simple tool is to give a token of you to your child that they can take with them to school. This may be something they put in their pocket or a bracelet they wear or a little heart you draw on their hand. It could be a picture of your family or a little note in their lunchbox. Enroll your child and choose something meaningful together. This helps your child feel closer to you when you are not around.
If your child does become emotional around the back-to-school ritual, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong” Remind yourself that you are a good parent and that your loving effort will help build resilience.
Your child’s tears are a way of releasing anxiety, and when they can trust you to hold space and validate their experience, to guide them through it, they build a deeper sense of connection with you, which will help them trust that bond even when you are not around.
Mindful Moments Blog
Using A Feelings Chart To Teach Emotions
by Ashley Patek
If you feel like you are learning about emotional regulation right alongside your child, it’s because, very likely, you are. Here's how to use a feelings chart to teach your kids (and yourself) about emotions and calming strategies to decrease tantrums and nurture emotional intelligence.
Mindful Moments Blog
It’s Development, Not Defiance
by Rebecca Eanes
We are so accustomed to parenting being a struggle. We expect it. We deal with it. We fight back and forth for control. But what if I told you that their behavior was not defiance but development. Here are 3 tools to help your child grow their emotional regulation and impulse control muscles.
Mindful Moments Blog
Determination May Feel Unpleasant, And It's Useful
by Ashley Patek
Determination isn't a bad emotion. It is an informative one. And while determination isn’t necessarily a pleasant sensation in the body, it is an important edge that brings about resilience and grit.
Mindful Moments Blog
Time-Ins Are A Form Of Re-Parenting
by Ashley Patek
Time-Ins are for all the children in the home and that includes the one that lives within us.
We think that parenting is about our kids - something we do to them to make them kind, smart, "good," responsible, etc.
But truly, parenting is something we have with our children. It's a relationship, and that relationship starts with the one we have with ourselves.
The way we parent our children is directly related to our childhood. The things that trigger us now tend to be the same things denied or suppressed in us as children. It can make parenting our kids incredibly challenging. Their development often charges our emotions, and we yell, lecture, threaten, or do things that we later cry about in the bathroom. (Anyone else?)
Interested in learning more about reparenting? Check out our Reparent Yourself Online Summit and get lifetime access to 15+ incredible resources from top parenting experts.
Re-Parenting Our Triggers
Take a moment to think of a current-day trigger with your child - a moment when your emotional response was disproportionate to what was actually happening. As you reflect, ask yourself these questions and write down your answers.
What was I feeling in my body when this happened?
What thoughts were running through my mind?
What goal did I have for my child at that moment?
If I canceled that goal for my child, what new goal could I set for myself that involves my thoughts, words, feelings, and actions?
When we understand the answers to these questions, 1) we create a gap between what our children do and who they are, 2) we take responsibility for our own responses, and 3) we move outside control-based parenting and into connection-based parenting.
Re-Parenting Our Inner Child
If you desire to take it a step further, you can move beyond the surface of your reactivity and into a deeper awareness of your inner child. You may choose to explore these questions, writing down your answers.
What did I learn in those earliest years of wiring my body about whatever it is that my child is doing and that I am reacting to?
What did I have to deny, suppress, or minimize in myself to fit into my family system as a child?
What did I need as a child?
How could I meet those needs now as an adult?
I know it seems like a lot of work for us when most of the time, we are focused on tools for our kids, but it starts here.
How we know ourselves directly affects how we see and relate to our children.
Re-parenting With Time-Ins
A tangible way to bring all of this re-parenting into your home to include your children is to take a family Time-In. Often, it's thought that Time-Ins are for our kids, which is true, but that is only part of the puzzle.
Create small daily rituals with your family to share how you feel, process hard moments and playfully explore calming strategies. During a Time-In, you may choose to ask your child:
What happened?
What were you feeling?
Where did you feel that feeling in your body?
How big was it?
Why does that feeling make sense in your body? (What did you want and need?)
Just as you would for your kids, take a Time-In during your heightened, unpleasant emotions too. This is a form of re-parenting. This is how we model emotional regulation and invite healing inward.
In short, Time-Ins are for all the children in the home, including the child that lives deep inside us.
Interested in learning more about reparenting?
Check out our FREE 3-Day Reparent Yourself Online Summit and get lifetime access to incredible resources from top parenting experts.
💚 Break generational patterns
💚 Let go of conflict avoidance and perfectionism
💚 Replace codependent behaviors with self-care
Mindful Moments Blog
I Am Not Mad. I Am Feeling Mad. And There Is A Difference.
by Ashley Patek
Our identity is not the way we feel. The way we feel is a state of being. Here's why that's important (spoiler alert - it affects your child's brain development), and strategies for adults and children to balance their emotions.
Mindful Moments Blog
Your Child's Emotions Need Support, Not Solutions
by Ashley Patek
When we attempt to fix our children’s emotions and problems, we move out of connection and into control. The focus shifts from them to us. Instead, we can sit with them in the hard stuff, offering support, not solutions. Here's how.
Mindful Moments Blog
Quit Pathologizing Children’s Stress
by Ashley Patek
Research has shown that children who feel unsafe and disconnected cannot learn. Why is this and what can we do as parents and educators?
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Tools For Parenting A Strong-Willed Child
by Rebecca Eanes
Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection.
Strong-willed children have lots of great qualities. They are determined, courageous, fierce, and spirited. They can also be emotionally intense and sensitive which might lead to more tantrums and meltdowns, and their determination and spiritedness might mean power struggles are a real, well, struggle. This makes parenting strong-willed children a bit tricky.
These kids don't do well with traditional discipline methods which tend to only fuel power struggles. They are not easily controlled or manipulated. The traditional “control over” approach doesn’t go over well with these spirited tots, and they will naturally challenge you.
Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection.
Seeing Behavior as Communication
Learning to look behind the behavior to the root cause is an important parenting skill no matter if your child is strong-willed or not, but it can be particularly helpful for parents of spirited kids to realize that all behavior is communication. It gives us a peek into the child’s emotional world and provides clues as to what the child is experiencing in that moment. This is especially important in strong-willed or intense children because they get overwhelmed easily, and their behavior guides us to a greater understanding of them if we pause and pay attention.
When a child’s behavior is off track, it could be because her brain is being overwhelmed by emotion or stress. While we assume that all behavior is deliberate and even calculated, the truth often is that they cannot stop themselves. Their fight or flight response has been activated, their brain is experiencing an amygdala hijack, and they probably have little control over their actions.
At other times, simple immaturity is to blame, and our own lack of understanding of the developing brain and how it works. Your child may know, for example, that he isn’t supposed to run ahead in the parking lot, but he cannot stop himself from acting on his impulse to run as his impulse is stronger than his reasoning at that age.
SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns
This doesn’t mean we let misbehavior slide. It’s a shift from punishing behavior to providing predictability, clear expectations, boundaries, and positive discipline to keep them safe while their brains are still developing.
Here are three ways, or solutions, to handle your strong- child’s behavior.
Choices and Mastery
Strong-willed children like to feel in control. When you think about it, young children have so little control over their daily lives, and it must be quite frustrating for them. We can meet them where they are by allowing them to make lots of small and reasonable choices that will feel empowering to them. When strong-willed children are forced to submit, they become oppositional, defiant, and stubborn, but when we give them control where appropriate and use a “come alongside” rather than a “come at” approach, they become less oppositional.
Strong-willed children crave mastery. Allow them to do for themselves what they can, and encourage them to take charge of as many activities as possible. Yes, this means you may have to relinquish control of minor issues. Is it more important that her outfit matches or that she’s happy she dressed herself, even if she’s wearing rain boots, shorts, and a hoodie? It may take five times longer to bake the brownies, but he’ll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that he did it himself. Whenever possible, let your little firecrackers be in charge of themselves and they’ll become more cooperative.
Strong and Clear Boundaries
It may seem like your child wants zero rules, but all kids feel safer with firm boundaries in place as long as they are enforced calmly and lovingly. Be conscious of your tone and energy when explaining and enforcing boundaries.
Start by explaining expectations, not in a warning tone that projects your mistrust but in a “heads up” tone. Demonstrate that you believe in him and you’re on his side. “We’re going on this nature walk and I know you get excited and it’s fun to run. I’m not comfortable with that because it’s not safe so I’ll give you a signal or sign so you know when to wait and let us catch up. If it doesn’t work, we will hold hands.” Don’t view holding hands as a punishment but as help. “I love you too much to let you go running off.”
Anytime we talk about strong-willed children, there’s always a concern about their free spirit. We love that our strong-willed kids are fierce, determined, persistent, and non-conforming. We don’t want to “break their spirit,” we just want to tame it a bit.
Unfortunately, this fear of breaking their spirit may lead to a failure to set appropriate boundaries, so we need to rethink how we look at boundaries. Boundaries are love in action. They are like the lines in the road that tell drivers where we can safely navigate. Without them, there’d be chaos. Boundaries keep us safe, so rather than viewing boundaries as spirit-breaking, we can see them spirit-saving. You are more likely to hurt a strong-willed child’s spirit by constantly calling her down or correcting her than you are to provide appropriate boundaries in the first place.
Positive Discipline
Traditional discipline methods like punishments, threats, and lectures trigger opposition and push-back, particularly in willful children. Positive discipline works better to decrease power struggles and increase connection.
First, work on building trust and a secure attachment, as this will increase your influence with your spirited kid. This can be done through lots of laughter, play, listening, and quality time.
Next, work on teaching your child social-emotional skills. Help them understand what is driving their behavior and practice the skills they need to regulate their emotions and actions with the Time-In ToolKit®.
Finally, focus on solutions. When an issue arises, problem-solve together to find a solution. Ask the following questions: What caused this to happen? How do you feel about this? What could you do differently next time? How are you going to fix this? This is much more effective than losing an iPad. Solutions are better than punishments because children need to learn to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.
Mindful Moments Blog
Breaking The Cycles Of Fear-Based Parenting
by Ashley Patek
Here are 5 ways to use connection-based parenting (Over fear-based), and break the cycle of emotional wounding.
Mindful Moments Blog
SnuggleBuddies Plush Toys Help Kids Communicate Feelings
by Ashley Patek
The best way to decrease meltdowns associated with big, unpleasant emotions is to give our children tools to communicate them.
For just a moment, step into your toddler’s adorably-sized shoes. All of a sudden, there is this sensation in your body and it doesn’t feel good. You don’t know what it is. You just want it to go away but, because you live so deeply in the present moment, it seems like the sensation will last forever. This panic sends a message to your brain and your brain sends a message to your body: There is a threat. React now!
Stage left, enter a toddler meltdown.
Seems a little scary, doesn’t it? So much happening in such a small moment of time for such a relatively new human. Stepping back into your adult shoes now, it helps put into perspective the tears, power struggles, and thrashing that happen during your child’s dysregulation. It’s not that our toddlers have different emotions than us, but they are new and unfamiliar to them. This can feel pretty unsafe for a brain that’s still heavily under construction.
SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns
Name It To Tame It!
To decrease meltdowns associated with big, unpleasant emotions, we can give our children tools to communicate with them. This type of co-regulation takes the newness and scariness out of their feelings and replaces them with two key ingredients: connection and play.
Feelings face posters and plush toys help children create these pathways for emotional regulation when practiced in ritual with a safe, supportive adult (wink, wink, I am looking at you). When children realize that they have tools to work through these big feelings and that they are not alone in figuring them out, really amazing things happen.
For younger tots, kiddos with developmental speech delays, nonverbal children, and children who would rather “show” you their emotions than speak them aloud, SnuggleBuddies plush toys just might be the balm to soothe the alarm that happens when emotions take over. They mark all the boxes. Take a look for yourself.
Safety: SnuggleBuddies are soft and cuddly which feels safe to your young learner.
Motivating: Your child can choose from eight snuggly plushes to intrinsically motivate them to learn about emotions with their new friend.
Play-based: SnuggleBuddies are playful and fun, and as science shows, play is the language in which kids learn.
Practical: Your kiddo can take their Pal with them wherever they choose so they can process emotions at home or on the go.
Educational: SnuggleBuddies have four mood emojis to help children notice, name, and regulate their emotions.
SnuggleBuddies remind us to get CURIOUS... not furious about big emotions.
This is what that looks like in action. In this video a member-mom sent in, you can see a sweet 4-year-old girl who has been struggling with hitting and biting (impulse control issues) since her parents separated.
Instead of hitting mom or their dog as she had been doing since the separation, after a week with her SnuggleBuddies, this child was able to name and share her feelings instead.
Playing With SnuggleBuddies Plush Toys
Much like your child, each SnuggleBuddies has four main moods that live inside of them. These are represented by color-coded mood emojis, or "storytellers":
Yellow = Happy
Green = Calm
Blue = Sad
Red = Mad/Scared
Because children are wired with mirror neurons that mimic the nervous systems in front of them, model using the SnuggleBuddies yourself, sharing when you feel a big emotion. First, describe the emotional sensation in your body. “My jaw is clenched and my hands are sweaty.” Then share how you feel. “I feel mad.”
You may also witness these emotions within your child and help them notice as they occur. For example, let's say that your child wants a cookie and you set a boundary. Your child falls to the floor crying, banging his fists. You may say, “I notice you banging the floor. You wanted the cookie.” as you grab your child’s plush, pulling out the Red Emoji.
Over time, your child will begin to associate certain sensations with different mood emojis. You may also find that the presence of your child’s SnuggleBuddy offers comfort to help regulate him.
Another way to bring safety and familiarity to SnuggleBuddies is to create nightly rituals where your family comes together to share: “When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today?” Even the youngest of learners, who can’t yet fully participate, absorb so much as they listen and watch. You can even use The SnuggleBuddies Feelings Song to make this ritual more playful.
And of course, maybe the best way to play with SnuggleBuddies is through actual play! Use the sing-a-long, Feelings Bingo, or encourage them to share using the laminated feelings journal that comes with each SnuggleBuddies. Role play or play pretend. Come up with new games with your child. The greatest learning is through exploration, and when emotions become something to explore together, we don’t have to experience them alone. Step by step, this is how we create an emotionally healthy home.
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Winter-Themed Sensory Activities for Your Calming Corner
by Rebecca Eanes
Could your Calming Corner use a little seasonal cheer? Here are 5 winter-themed sensory activities to add into your space!
Mindful Moments Blog
Helping Your Highly Sensitive Child Gain Confidence
by Rebecca Eanes
When our children are highly sensitive, rejection and criticism hurt more deeply. They get embarrassed easily and have strong emotional reactions, which can make them the target for bullying. Here are 5 tools to boost your child's confidence.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Rebecca Eanes
Our kids sometimes have bad attitudes because they are... well... human. Here are five tools to tame your child's disrespect.
Mindful Moments Blog
Speaking Your Child's Meltdown Language
by Ashley Patek
Understand the biology of a meltdown and how to speak your child's unique meltdown language.
Mindful Moments Blog
Regulate Emotions Through Play
by Ashley Patek
How do we get under the meltdowns, tantrums, and big wants and desires fueling our tots? Learn how to use play and mind-body activities to increase connection, regulate emotions, and change undesirable behaviors.
Mindful Moments Blog
De-escalation Strategies For Jingled Out Kids
by Rebecca Eanes
December is a sensory-overload kind of month. It’s loud. It’s busy. It’s flashy. For a lot of kids, it can be so overwhelming that they may just jingle all the way to a meltdown. For this reason, it’s good to have a few de-escalation strategies in mind. Here are 5.
