Mindful Moments Blog

When a parent habitually removes affection or acceptance from a child as a means of coercing compliance, the child is forced into codependency or rebellion. The child has to work for attachment and forfeit authenticity, or fight for authenticity and forfeit attachment. Here are 3 ways to meet both vital emotional needs. 

5 tools to help your inner child overcome the fear of failure so that you and your kids can embrace a growth mindset! I can’t remember when it first started, but it has followed me like my own shadow throughout most of my life. And all too often, it steps forward into the light, smacking me in the face to remind me it’s there.  Perfectionism.  Am I doing enough for my kids?  Am I dropping the ball at work? How do I date my husband and spend time with myself and keep the house afloat?  Will my friends forgive me? I haven’t responded to their texts in three days, or maybe longer.  The questions all lead to one response. I am falling short of perfect, messing up, not enough.  Nothing will cause us to look in the mirror at all parts of ourselves more than becoming a parent. And that’s exactly what my two sons have done - reflected back to me this limiting belief that says I have to be exemplary or I am failing.  The trickle-down effect was palpable as I watched my three-year-old son throw his red crayon across the room after coloring out of the lines in his Paw Patrol coloring book. Tears brimming, he wailed, “It is ruined. It’s not the way I wanted to do it. I never want to color again.”  After comforting my son and stumbling across my words, because clearly, I was lacking the skills I wanted to teach, I settled in to relate to his pain. I got it. I really did. Because I have spent most of my life there.  I realized that if I didn’t learn tools to help my son embrace his mistakes, then tears over a scribbled picture would turn into tears about striking out at baseball, getting a B on a paper … and an overwhelming urgency to have all things go his way.  I began reading all the tips and tricks that experts suggested in helping my child overcome his fixed mindset, and with all of my short-hand sticky notes framing my computer, it felt more like putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. The pulse was coming from me. Because while my son was early in his brain development, I was also emotionally immature. It was time to stop shaming myself for my mistakes and learn to befriend them … to acknowledge them as the teachers they are.  Here are five things I did to help blast through my perfectionism.  1. Get to the root Carol Dweck, psychologist and the author of Mindset who coined the term growth mindset, says, “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence—like a gift—by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact, has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.” I felt like she wrote this specifically for my child-self. Reflecting back to my youth, my parents, with the best of intentions and full of heart, assured me that I was the best - When I colored a picture, I was the best artist … When I won the track race, I was the best athlete that day … When I got an A on my test, I was the best student. In being told I was “perfect”, I began to fear being “not perfect”. Would they still love me if I fell short of the best? This single question followed me through all future relationships, including motherhood.  And there it was, the root of my perfectionism stemmed from fear of losing my attachments. At least now I knew what I was really dealing with.  2. Learn to release “True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source. It is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow,” says Dweck.  So the new question became, how do I become courageously me?  I wrote down everything that I felt like I was failing. And then I tore the page in half. And then, tore it again. I threw the shredded papers in the recycle bin where they could be transmuted to something useful because my guilt sure wasn’t helping anyone.  3. Adopt a new perspective Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, and author says that healthy striving is self-focused, asking ourselves, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism is other-focused, causing us to ask, “What will they think?”  I realized that being the best was a narrow concept. Instead, I could focus on being my best, and that was fluid minute to minute. Sometimes my best is locking myself in the bathroom for five deep breaths before re-entering the chaos of raising small children, and sometimes the bar is much higher. When I put the power back into myself, to ask what I want and need, I can overcome life’s disruptions with much more resilience.  4. Create a mantra I knew I needed some sort of mantra to repeat to myself as I was likely to fall back into old habits, at least initially. So I created this practice: Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe in: I am love. Breathe out: I am enough. Rinse and repeat all day long.  5. Practiced acceptance For my children to embrace their mistakes, they had to become safe for me, too. When I did mess up, I noticed my self-talk and focused on shifting from I can’t believe I did this to My mistakes help me learn and grow. With practice, mistakes became allowed, and even welcomed, in our household.  I also circled back to the beginning, my child-self who was a slave to praise. I gave her permission to be loved, flaws and all. Shifting into motherhood, I began to notice and celebrate my boys’ efforts over their outcomes so that they have the freedom to meet challenges head-on without the trepidation of a what if I fail mentality?  My boys and I are learning to do the lionhearted work of being ourselves together. So, you ask, how did I help my sons develop a growth mindset? I started with me.

Want to decrease power struggles in your home? Give your child more autonomy using this tool. By Alyssa Blask Campbell One of the biggest challenges of parenting young children is navigating their intense need for autonomy and independence. Often this leads to power struggles where we find ourselves putting more and more pressure on the child to comply, and in turn, they push harder and harder against us.  When we can move away from focusing on compliance and towards connection, understanding, and collaboration, we can put the power struggles to bed.  Choice theory outlines two options and the key is that neither of them is punishment. The adult setting the boundary has to be okay with both choices so you don’t end up mad if your child doesn’t choose the one you wanted.  This might sound like: It's time to get in the car. Do you want to climb into your car seat or for me to lift you up?The choice is not whether the child will get in the seat, the choice is how they will get in there.  For many kids, it’s helpful for them to have an idea of your timeline. This might involve a visual timer or counting. It’s important that the timer (or verbally counting) isn’t used as a threat. These are tools to communicate an expectation around time, not a countdown to a punishment.  If your child does best with clear expectations around time, it might sound like this:  You can climb into your car seat or I will lift you up when I reach five. One, two, three, four, five. (when you say five, you lift them up even if they say they want to do it themselves). This can be especially hard when your child responds to your boundary with big emotions. Toddlers will often cry, yell, thrash, or otherwise try to express to us how upset they are and it can be hard to stay calm and hold the boundary.When your child is disappointed by the choices offered, or angry that you’re holding the boundary, this is an opportunity to connect with them and help them build emotional awareness. You can be a safe space for them to express those hard feelings, knowing you’ll respond with consistency.This might sound like:"It’s so hard to stop playing and get in the car. I get that. I’m going to lift you up and buckle you in to keep your body safe.” They are allowed to feel hard things. They’re allowed to be bummed about the boundary or disappointed that they have to stop what they’re doing before they want to. Those are feelings they’ll feel for the rest of their lives. The goal isn’t that they’re happy, it’s that they know you understand where they’re coming from and trust that when you say something you mean it. Every time you hold the boundary and respond with empathy, you build trust between you and your child. 

Crying is Communication – Generation Mindful Crying ruffles us. Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother's brain when she hears her baby's cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother? Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone" because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby's cries.  The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.  However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?  And it doesn't even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it's very effective in its design. When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to "sleep train" or to "ignore a tantrum" so as not to "reinforce bad behavior," I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.  My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn't even escalate into cries because I couldn't stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn't do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don't condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won't even get into how it affects the baby's brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.  The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be "tough." I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the "drama king or queen" teen who is crying "over nothing."  All throughout parenthood, I've been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice. Crying is Communication To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what's going on internally for them. SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.  Comforting him won't make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don't feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.  If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don't have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The "boundaries with empathy" option allows you to say, "I see that you are upset about the cookie.  That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much." She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.  The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won't buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn't get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn't resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.  FAQ Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom? From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood. Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else? It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best. About the Author Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of 2 boys. 

Show up both firm and kind Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.  Meltdowns It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship. This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.  Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions. If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.  You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.  Backtalk All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem. During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate. Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.  It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play." For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.  Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.” It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation. Not Listening When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen? Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation. Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.  Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.  Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.   Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting. 

Sometimes parents say that positive parenting “isn’t working” for them, and when that is the case, it’s important to explore why before giving up. Here are some reasons why and 5 things to do when you feel like positive parenting isn't working for your family. 

What is a trigger, why do we have them and why are we so dang triggered by our kids?!

If we want our children to exercise the compassionate parts of themselves, it is important that we expose them to these 3 components of their experience. By Viki de Lieme We passed three kindergarten facilities on our way to school, and this morning there were noisy construction sounds coming from one of them. Ilay, my six-year-old, who was never a fan of loud noises, said he hated the drilling.  "I don't like the noise, either," I said to him. "Can you see why they are drilling?"   He stopped, looked inside, and said, "Looks like they are fixing something and replacing some stuff."  I then asked him what this meant for the kids in that kindergarten, and he replied that the kids would have a nicer kindergarten. And I then asked, "Do you still hate the noise?"   He said, "No."  The Automatic Reaction Looking at the world, we see what our eyes show us, and what we take from it is what our brain already knows. Ilay heard the noise and his brain said, "I don't like noise!" and that's what he took from the situation, but that's pretty narrow and limited, isn't it?  One of our most prominent roles as parents is to teach our children to think, examine, analyze, and eventually, live beyond the automatic reaction. To do that, we need to expose them to the components of their experience.  The Three Layers of Experience  No matter which experience we choose to look at, we can always break it into three layers: external, internal, and systemic. Teaching our children to do the same is KEY to compassion, analytical thinking, care, and a plethora of other traits.  Let's take this morning, for example. External is what actually happened (drilling at the facility). Internal is how Ilay's brain reacted to the happening (I don't like noise!). Finally, systemic is the bigger picture, which allows us to influence and adapt the internal.  Parents Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction To instill skills and values in our children, we must first embody them. From my experience as a parent and parent educator, I know firsthand how hard it is to part from the automatic reaction. But while indeed hard, this is the first step to a life of compassion and calm.  When we break things down into their components and bravely see the bigger picture, our feelings change. When our feelings change, so do reactions.  Say your child melts down at the store (external). Your internal screams, "Why does this have to happen every single time?" Feelings of anger, impatience, frustration, and confusion arise, and your reaction follows. But if you added the systemic and said to yourself, "He's crying for his lost autonomy," for example, you'd feel compassion and empathy towards your little one, and your reaction would follow.  Children Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction Teaching children the three layers of experience allows us to bring peace into every situation because anger, frustration, and other unpleasant feelings disappear miraculously when our eyes are open to the systemic layer. Say your younger child snatches the older one's toy, and the older one automatically gets upset. If we stick to the automated, a fight will follow. But what if we help the older one break it down? Mom: What happened? (external)  Child: He took my toy!  Mom: And what does it mean to you? (internal) Child: He always does it!  Mom: Why do you think he did it? (systemic)  Child: Because he wants to play. The feelings generated by "he always does it" are those of resentment and anger, while those generated by "he wants to play" are those of connection and understanding.  Goodbye Automatic Reactions  One of the activities we often practice during dinner is taking guesses. We analyze each other's behavior and guess WHY they did what they did. Not only does this teach kids how to analyze behaviors and open their hearts to those around them, but it also opens an incredible door into your child's soul.  Sometimes, taking the wrong guess serves you because your little one will immediately give you the answer that's right for them.  The Giraffe and the Tiger  A few weeks ago, when Jon returned from a work trip abroad, he brought back two plushies - a giraffe and a tiger, both super sweet. Ilay immediately chose the tiger and handed the giraffe to Lia. They were both happy at first. A few days later, Ilay started developing a desire for the giraffe. He tried to convince Lia to switch, and she wouldn't. He got upset, closed the door behind him, and cried for a long time.  After a while, Lia went to him and gave him the giraffe. "Present," she said. Then again, for a short little bit, they were both happy. But sure enough, at bedtime, Lia wanted the giraffe. At two years old, the word "present" is not as eternal as it is at six. Ilay got upset, again, this time with Lia.  "What happened"? I asked, aiming for the external.  "Lia took the giraffe back!"  "You're feeling sad because the giraffe is not yours?" I continued, trying to guess the internal.   "No, because she lied to me!"  Equipped with this knowledge, I could then use the systemic to influence the internal.  "You know you'd never take back something you gifted, and you're upset that Lia did. I get it. Why do you think she did it in the first place"?  "Because I was crying, and she wanted to make me happy," he said, looking at Lia again but this time with a soft gaze.  "Yea, I think so, too. And do you think that she understands the word "present" as you do?"  "No," he said and cuddled his tiger.  It's about the Need, Not the Want Ilay didn't eventually get what he wanted, but he fell asleep with a better understanding of himself and a deeper understanding of Lia. He could appreciate what she did for him in a moment of distress, and he understood why she took it back. And understanding is what one needs to open the door to empathy.  

We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection and fear with safety. She grabbed their tiny wrists and yanked them out of the door and led them through the parking lot. I couldn’t hear her words but she was enraged like a bear, towering over her children as they sat on the curb looking at their feet.  My boys and I were sitting outside the restaurant at a table eating some cheeseburgers when I witnessed this mom with her children. They looked about the same age as my own, around three and five. The commotion caught my oldest’s attention, too. His curious gaze became fixed. His smile faded. And together, we watched as the children were pulled yet again across the parking lot and to a table next to us.  Her children were now instructed to stand against the wall to “not move … not say a word.” When they did wiggle or giggle, she yelled, “I dare you to move or say something. Do it. And see what happens.”  The children stood there as their food arrived, again looking at their feet. One last time, the mom approached them, mumbled some words, and then slapped their wrists as she called her children liars. The kids were now crying and the mom looked on the verge of exploding from anger and possibly into tears. My stomach was turning. My heart was racing. My hands were sweating. I wanted to go over and say something … to advocate for these children and embrace them in a protective hug. I wanted to tell this mom that she was on the same team as these babies she loves, and that hurt was happening, physically, and, even more profoundly in this instance, emotionally.  As I was contemplating my move (mind my own business or bellow out), the children moved from the wall and ate their dinner. My husband urged me to finish my burger and let it be, but I had lost my appetite. And the pit in my stomach stayed with me the entire ride home.  Deep into the depths of my heart and thoughts, my shift somehow, surprisingly, turned from those children to the mom. As I peered over my shoulder toward the backseat at my own children, I became curious about the why beneath her behavior. My disdain melted a bit and made way for an inkling of compassion.  I found myself wanting to hug the child within her. My training has taught me that the things we struggle with as adults are adaptations from our own youth. We are all looking to survive, and as children, we learn which parts of us lead to connection and safety and which parts of us lead to punishment and isolation. We learn to grow the parts of us that our system wants. Instead of seeing an enraged mom, I began to see this woman like a scared child herself, seeking the same things she was robbing her children of - the feelings of safety, power, and connection. It was possible that the ways she was reared or that the impulses her body stored from her own childhood were now coming up and out of her as an adult and were being directed toward her children. And it reminded me to stay curious, because the parents we become, are often influenced by the children we had to be: The parent who struggles with their child’s big emotions was often the child who was taught it was unsafe to feel. The parent who uses punitive punishment was often the child who was spanked, isolated, yelled at, or shamed. The parent who is a people pleaser was often the child who had to be a parent pleaser. The parent who feels she isn’t worthy or enough was often the child who was told her wants and desires were wrong or bad. The parent who yells was often the child who had to internally yell “stop!” to avoid threatening his attachment with caregivers. The parent who has poor self-talk was often the child who wasn’t allowed to express her frustration or give answers that the adult in her life didn’t want to hear. The parent who struggles with setting boundaries and asking for what they need was often the child who felt they had to choose between inconveniencing their caregiver and getting their needs met. Compassion For Another This mom’s actions had a story to tell. And I was listening. While I may never see that woman and her children again, it got me thinking: What if we held compassion for the authoritarian adult … the one who uses time-outs, spanking, or other punitive measures?  This isn’t the same as condoning any behavior that is detrimental to a child. Because I am not. What I am saying is, what if we also see the child within the adult who had to adapt … or who experienced shame, blame, and pain and help them replace those narratives with safety, love, and connection within themselves? Could that not be more effective than further shaming them for parenting practices that were likely handed down to them?  It is possible that the more we perpetuate the cycle of shame, blame, and pain, the more the adult retreats to those protective mechanisms they put in place long ago, and the more they are dug in towards their own children. We carry the energy of our lineage. It takes awareness and real courage to be a generational cycle breaker - to be a pivot point that says, “This stops here.” So instead of meeting that authoritarian parent with more shame, what if we met them with compassion?  Here are 5 ways to show compassion for another parent: Give a smile  Empathize  Offer to help (when appropriate)  Share encouraging words Validate their experience  Compassion For Self If you find that you are the parent who practices punitive measures or any parent at all for that matter, here are 3 ways to rewire your mental and emotional circuits for more connection in your home:  1. Notice Triggers When your children do (fill in the blank), you feel (fill in the blank). This requires us to pause and reflect on the energy that comes up within us when our children (or anyone for that matter) behaves in a certain way.  Our triggers show us the parts of us that were shut down in our own childhood. When we feel ourselves become elevated by something externally, we can choose to go internally. This means that instead of perpetuating the cycle that shuts down our kids or attempts to control them, we reclaim our power and notice which parts of us were suppressed - this is an opportunity to grow those parts.  So this step is all about noticing. When (fill in the blank) happens … I think __. I feel __. I can __. 2. Teach About Feelings We may think that emotional education is for our children and it is. Yet, it’s also for the child that lives inside of us, too. While we have the science, most of us parents lack the skills to notice, name, and effectively manage our emotions, which makes it tricky to teach our children.  Our children come into this world with the capability to feel and without the ability to self-regulate. And when their developing brain and big emotions encounter our child-self, fireworks (aka power struggles) can happen. But here’s the really cool thing. Only we know what our child-self needs and we can now, as an adult, meet those needs while we teach and guide our own children.  Using Time-Ins as a daily ritual is a powerful way to build connections and teach about emotions and calming strategies. Feelings posters and mantra cards create a sensorial way to engage children so that they are intrinsically motivated to play with the tools when regulated and can better access them during dysregulation. Spending five to ten minutes a day learning about emotions and sharing when you felt happy, sad, calm, and mad, not only teaches your child but strengthens those circuits in you.  3. Spend Time With Your Inner Child As parents, we spend time with our children. No brainer, right? But there’s a child inside of us who needs our attention, too.  Using all of your senses, time travel back to a memory from your childhood. Visualize it as if you were there right now. What does it feel like? What do you see? What are you wearing? What can you hear? And so forth.  Maybe start with a memory that feels good and familiar. And then shift to a more challenging, painful, or less familiar memory. See and feel yourself as that child.  And then imagine your adult-self, and meet that child version of you. Give her/him what she/he needed at that moment. Spend five to ten minutes a day doing this.  When we revisit a memory and add a different experience, we have the power to rewire circuits and change the memory. We can replace self-blame with self-compassion and isolation with connection, and fear with safety. If you find that these memories are hard to find, you can read more here. It would have been easy for me to write off the woman from the restaurant as a bad parent. But maybe what she needed, and has always needed, was to be seen, heard, and validated. For someone to tell her that she didn’t have to be that scared child anymore. And that she can break the cycle. 

Disrespectful behavior is a normal response for an underdeveloped, reactive brain. Our response to this normal behavior, however, will determine whether a negative cycle ensues or our relationship is strengthened. When you must choose between showing power or showing love, choose love.

If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are five things you can do to help calm their anxieties. The first day of Kindergarten is a huge milestone for little kiddos (and their parents)! It’s an exciting time, but for some families, it comes with anxieties, fears, and mixed emotions. Being dropped off in a new environment filled with new people can be understandably stressful.  Signs Your Child Is Feeling Anxious Watch for these signs that your little one might be feeling anxious about the start of school: There’s an increase in meltdowns and acting out. Anxiety manifests in a lot of different ways because it’s based on a physiological response to a perceived threat. Their behavior can be misread as defiance or anger but is really an anxiety response.  They’re having difficulty falling asleep. As the first day approaches, you might find that your child is having trouble falling asleep. They may be needing you more often or for longer periods at night.  Expressing fear or worry about school. Parents are often quick to minimize a child’s fears when they verbally express them, saying things like “It’ll be fun!,” “You’ll make friends quick!” and “There’s nothing to be nervous about!” It’s important to validate and empathize with your child’s feelings. New onset of stomach aches or headaches. These physical symptoms could mean that your child is struggling with anxiety and may need to see a healthcare professional.  Your own fear and anxiety about your child starting school may affect them as well. Children are very perceptive about their parents’ emotions, and if they see that you’re anxious, they may become anxious too. Be confident and positive without overhyping it.  5 Ways to Calm Your Child's Fears If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are a few things you can do to help calm their anxieties.  1. Get acquainted.  Ask about orientation. If your child’s school offers it, take advantage of the opportunity for you and your child to meet teachers and classmates. If no orientation is offered, it’s a good idea to arrange a tour of a school and a meeting with your child’s teacher before the big day. Help the teacher get to know your child better by preparing a one-page cheat sheet about them, including their name and nickname, photo, medical conditions, likes and dislikes, interests and talents, etc. This will also give the teacher a few conversation starters for building a relationship. If you can arrange for your child to get acquainted with the teacher as well, that’s even better! Forming a relationship with the teacher before school starts will make the separation from you a bit easier. Furthermore, do a little networking with other parents and see if you can set up a playdate with another child in their class. Seeing that familiar face in class will be a comfort and help to ease your child’s nerves. 2. Keep it positive.  When you talk to your child about the upcoming school year and her transition to Kindergarten, remain optimistic and positive. Do not overhype the milestone. Making too big a deal of it may create an uptick in your child’s anxious feelings. As mentioned, validate your child’s emotions and empathize while keeping a general sense of optimism and showing confidence in your little one. 3. Find an anchor.  Some children can skip off to the classroom without so much as a backward glance, but many children experience separation anxiety. For those children, it’s helpful to find an anchor – something that helps them feel close to you while they’re away. A little piece of home away from home. It could be something as simple as a matching necklace, a photo of you, or a note in the lunchbox. An anchor is like a security blanket that your child can take with her every day. 4. Play and practice.  During that meeting with your child’s teacher before school starts, get a good sense of what a typical day will look like and what your child will be doing in the first few weeks of school, and then begin practicing those things over the summer with your child. Doing so will help familiarize your child with the routine and structure of school.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns Use role play to show her how to introduce herself to others, how to ask to join a group or game, using words to express feelings and wants, and appropriate solutions to conflict. The more you practice, the more confident your child will feel and the better those skills will develop! This will make the transition easier.  In addition to practicing things like standing in line, sitting still, following directions, etc., it’s a good idea to start practicing social-emotional skills as well. Use the Time-In ToolKit to teach about emotions. The Time-In ToolKit® playfully teaches kids 2-9+ how to navigate big emotions through social-emotional skill-building games.   5. Be their safe place.  It may only take your child a few days to adjust to Kindergarten life, or it could take weeks or even months. Every child is different and their experience will be unique. It is unhelpful to compare them to other children in the classroom who seem to be handling it much better. Rest assured that this is a temporary phase, and with the right support, your child will be able to overcome those fears.  Last year, I sent my firstborn off to his first day of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! And it feels like yesterday was his first day at Kindergarten. So if I may be so predictable, it does go by quickly, and before you can blink twice, that Kindergartener will be wanting a driver’s license. Good luck to you all!