Mindful Moments Blog

Breastfeeding is such a sacred time, and sometimes we fear that weaning will cause us to lose our connection. But that doesn't have to be the case. Here is how you can connect with your child while weaning.

I’m reminded of the power of our listening and rather than punishment by this video a member mama sent in.

Crying is Communication – Generation Mindful Crying ruffles us. Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother's brain when she hears her baby's cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother? Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone" because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby's cries.  The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.  However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?  And it doesn't even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it's very effective in its design. When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to "sleep train" or to "ignore a tantrum" so as not to "reinforce bad behavior," I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.  My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn't even escalate into cries because I couldn't stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn't do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don't condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won't even get into how it affects the baby's brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.  The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be "tough." I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the "drama king or queen" teen who is crying "over nothing."  All throughout parenthood, I've been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice. Crying is Communication To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what's going on internally for them. SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.  Comforting him won't make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don't feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.  If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don't have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The "boundaries with empathy" option allows you to say, "I see that you are upset about the cookie.  That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much." She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.  The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won't buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn't get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn't resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.  FAQ Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom? From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood. Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else? It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best. About the Author Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of 2 boys. 

In her work as a school counselor with young children and tweens/teens, Dusha Cecil wishes her district had used Generation Mindful social and emotional learning (SEL) materials years ago, to develop the language and “permission to feel” for a diverse population of students starting in preschool when they were ages three and four.  In this video, Ms. Cecil shares her experience of using GEN:M tools for early emotional education in the classroom setting: Among other experiences, Ms. Cecil shares her experience of working with young students, and the many black male teens she supports in therapy that struggle to be sensitive or express their feelings.  Using Generation Mindful tools to "have these conversations and create safe spaces for children makes them feel safe at school, makes them want to learn from their teachers, makes them want to do better, and encourages them to start envisioning their future." She has tremendous hope for GEN:M tools to lessen the school-to-prison pipeline by giving children of color, particularly boys, a voice and the permission and space they need to express their feelings starting in preschool. Colby Heckendorn, the former principal of Patrick Henry Downtown Academy in the City of St. Louis, and the Executive Director & Co-Founder of Atlas Public Schools oversaw the implementation of GEN:M products and curriculum with his diverse staff of early childhood and elementary educators and students at Patrick Henry Downtown Academy.  In his letter of support for Generation Mindful, Heckendorn shared how his diverse team of 11 K to 5th-grade educators felt the tools seamlessly embedded SEL into their everyday classroom activities.  "Generation Mindful provides amazing programs and tools that can help educators seamlessly embed SEL into their everyday practices. I have seen first hand how easy it was for our teachers to utilize these resources and have been astonished by our results."  - Colby Heckendorn, Executive Director & Co-Founder Atlas Public Schools Diversity, equity, inclusion, and amplifying voices of color are priorities for Generation Mindful.  There is a connection between punishment-based discipline, lost class time, and the many inequitable early childhood education suspensions happening on a daily basis that fuel the school-to-prison pipeline.  GEN:M tools educate rather than punish children who are still learning to regulate, strengthening social-emotional skills for a lifetime of health and well-being. They are inclusive, easy to use, and foster a supportive classroom climate for caring teachers to establish trusting relationships where students can feel emotionally safe, motivated, challenged, and have a sense of belonging.  The tools complement the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions Model developed by Dr. Ross Greene - driven by the belief that “kids do well if they can.” When maladaptive behaviors occur, educators use time-ins to identify and build lagging skills rather than punitive methods such as time-outs, or being sent out of the classroom. To learn more about using GEN:M tools to support social and emotional learning (SEL) in the classroom with the opportunity to bridge the learning into the home, visit here. Classroom Time-In ToolKit® Bundle 0 Reviews $149.00 $238.00 Save $89.00 GENM's social-emotional learning (SEL) tools take a positive, relationship-based approach to nurturing emotional intelligence in the classroom. Our ... View Product trauma-informed restorative discipline inclusion emotional intelligence classroom management

When your child misbehaves, how do you respond? Here is why Time-Outs increase power struggles and what you can do instead. 

Forcing boys to repress their emotions is quite literally killing them, leaving lasting mental and physical health implications. Here are 4 things we can do to free our boys and men from social constructs of man up, toughen up, and dry up. 

There are several ways that children appear to be misbehaving when, really, these behaviors are developmental passages that help them learn how to be human. Understand why misbehavior happens, and 4 tools to guide your child without yelling.    

Want to react to your children less with yelling, lecturing, and punitive measures - to parent differently than you were parented? This is how we break the cycle.

What they saw was a bratty child. A clingy child. A spoiled child. And underneath it all, they saw a mother who wasn’t doing it right. But that wasn't the whole story. Our behaviors were communication for so much more.

Stress and trauma suppress and actually shrink the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and memory, making it hard for us to recall our youth. As we teach and guide our children and nurture their emotional intelligence, we regenerate our hippocampus so we can remember, feel and share, too. 

Read about how the coronavirus is affecting the homeless population and what we can do to help.

You've likely seen the Calming Corner floating around social media, and you're probably wondering if this adorably cozy setup will work in your home, let alone with your two-year-old. And the answer is YES. Here's how. 

Toddlers and teens alike have brains that are going through major biological transformations and family rituals like volunteering can help nurture their social-emotional intelligence. Here are 10 acts of service to do as a family this holiday season. 

Learn how child-led art and play unlock your child's full potential, boost creativity, and support emotional growth in a fun, pressure-free way.

We took a look at common parenting practices of the past to compare how we were parented to how we parent. And here is what we found. 

What is peaceful parenting? In short, peaceful parents lead their children with the good of the relationship in mind. It means they prioritize connection over control; peace over punishment; mutual respect over rigid rules. Critics of peaceful parenting say, however, that it's too permissive. They believe a child's behavior needs to be controlled through harsh discipline, and that gentle guidance will leave children floundering. At best, they say peaceful parenting is maybe alright for highly sensitive children, but that "most children" need a stronger approach. Is there any truth to the critics' claims? Here's what the research says. The peaceful parenting philosophy is sometimes mistaken for permissive parenting Many people believe that the peaceful parenting approach doesn't set limits, or the few limits that are set are rarely enforced. They say the peaceful parent is "coddling" their kids and that this parenting approach only sets children up to fail. They warn that children aren't prepared for the "real world." They claim that peaceful parenting is just a permissive approach where the child never learns about taking responsibility. They say parents (along with the whole family) end up suffering from this unstructured lack of leadership over their children's lives. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Understanding the hallmarks of permissive parenting Before we compare peaceful parenting to permissiveness, let's define the permissive approach to raising children and unpack its risks. The permissive parenting style is "also referred to as 'indulgent parenting.' It’s characterized by high levels of warmth from the parent, but low levels of structure and discipline." (source) In practical terms, it often looks like the parent who loves their children dearly but is so afraid of losing that love that they'll do nearly anything to avoid even minor conflict with them. It can often feel to the child that the parent wants to be only their friend but doesn't want to--or perhaps doesn't know how--to provide guidance when needed. To be clear, there's an outdated belief that we shouldn't be our children's friends. The reality is that we want to like each other, just like friends do. Parenting needs to be more than just friendship, though. If we take the "I'm only my child's friend" perspective too far, it morphs into permissive parenting. This parenting style is associated with significant risks: "...Studies have found links between permissive parenting and increased alcohol use among teenagers as well as higher rates of school misconduct and lower levels of academic achievement...Children are impulsive, aggressive and lack independence as well as personal responsibility, mainly due to the huge lack of boundaries. They can have symptoms of anxiety and depression. (source) Further, "...Children raised in this parenting style can develop low self-confidence and may exhibit aggressive behavior. They may have diminished self-regulation skills and may appear self-centered, difficult, and impetuous. (source) and "...kids brought up in this style often develop relationships marked by social aggression and the effects of growing up with less discipline can have long-term effects on building positive relationships with others. (source) If you're tempted to parent this way, know that increasing your self-discipline and benevolent leadership is possible, and you can still have a great relationship with your child. 6 Ways Peaceful Parenting Differs From Permissiveness Peaceful parenting is less about raising "happy kids" without conflict, although raising children who know how to love their lives is certainly important. More accurately, peaceful parenting means that we create a family life built on healthy and effective communication. We have lots of empathy for each other's unique experiences and perspectives, and open lines to understanding what our children need to thrive--above and beyond just making them "happy." As part of that, parents model self-regulation, knowing that a child's ability to self-regulate doesn't happen until many years of co-regulating alongside us. Emotional maturity and emotional regulation take time, and having a strong relationship with family helps make these life skills more accessible to children. In other words, the peaceful parent isn't afraid of feelings--theirs or their children's. Here are some of the other key differences: Peaceful parents believe in non-punitive consequences and are committed to teaching children respectfully.Consequences and accountability definitely exist in peaceful parenting. The paradigm shift is that we remember that discipline means "to teach," not "to punish." A peaceful parent is more likely to lean on natural and logical consequences rather than punitive ones.Peaceful parents are also likely to validate the child's perspective, keeping their child's experience separate from their own emotions about the topic at hand.For example:"I see how much you want a smartphone. It makes sense because you see us, as adults, on our phones a lot, and you know they can be intriguing. I can see why you'd be interested in having one for yourself."Note that in this example, the adult doesn't give in and get the child a phone, but they do respectfully validate what the child is feeling. They're not dismissive, either--while validating, they're willing to support the child's potential big feelings. The peaceful parent does understand the importance of healthy boundaries. Boundaries exist in peaceful parenting. In fact, they're important for raising kids, not only for their physical health but also for their emotional well-being. According to the University of Michigan:"... Setting boundaries and expectations for children can assist in building life skills that include patience, problem-solving, resourcefulness, responsibility and self-discipline..." (source)To be clear, the most effective boundaries tend to be co-created between parent and child rather than only delegated by the parent. The parent realizes that the child's input matters and they'll be more likely to adhere to the boundary if they feel they've had a say in it. Of course, little kids will need more guidance than older children. You'll read more about collaboration later in this article.For example:"We're not getting you a smartphone yet, but when the time comes for you to have one, we'll make sure you know how to be safe on it. I've heard there are some non-Internet phones that kids can use in emergencies. I wonder if that would be a good interim step. What do you think?" Peaceful parenting is associated with positive outcomes.According to research from UC-Davis, being a positive, peaceful parent is linked with only positive outcomes, unlike permissive parenting. For example:"...Peaceful parenting helps children succeed in measurable waysResearch shows that positive parenting helps children do better in school, have fewer behavioral problems, and have stronger mental health...Furthermore,"...It's not just for little kids -- peaceful parenting also helps the teenage brainNeuroscientists discovered that positive parenting contributes to better functioning in the brain regions associated with emotions and cognition during the teen years..."And"...Positive parenting is linked to a happy and healthy adulthoodHarvard scientists found that positive parenting has long-term benefits, including better relationships, mental health, and well-being during adulthood..." In peaceful parenting, adults model healthy ways to communicate their own feelings--while growing their children's emotional intelligence.Whereas permissive parents may do whatever it takes to avoid a power struggle, the peaceful parent accepts that conflict can be a normal and healthy part of raising children.Better, even peaceful parenting doesn't require power struggles because of this paradigm shift: It's not parent versus child; it's parent and child together against whatever problem they're working to solve.The peaceful parenting philosophy embraces the tenets of non-violent communication, whereby we find ways to express our own emotions in ways that do no harm to our children or our relationship with them.Non-violent communication (NVC) means this:"...NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others respectful and empathic attention..."Furthermore,"...As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion..." (source)Non-violent communication isn't "weak" or "wishy-washy"On the contrary, peaceful parenting through non-violent communication is incredibly disciplined work. It requires a level of mindfulness and regular use of practical tools that truly change the way we relate to one another. In peaceful parenting, adults better emulate unconditional love.Certainly, all parents are capable of feeling unconditional love for their children. However, permissive parents often carry wounds from their own childhood that make their children's "big emotions" feel overwhelming to them.As such, they may shy away from "showing up" when the child's behavior gets loud or uncomfortable to them. In doing so, they may inadvertently show their children that calm communication is the only way to express feelings.Although peaceful parents certainly strive to be calm, it comes from a place of self-awareness and self-control, rather than a nervous system response that shuts down at the first sign of conflict.When they shut down, they may inadvertently model that only certain behaviors are "allowable" for the child to receive love and support, rather than teaching problem-solving skills after a moment of chaos with their children.Children learn whether their big emotions are "safe" with us when we foster collaboration even amidst tough situations. When they believe, through our actions, that we love and accept them--including the difficult and messy parts of being human--the child's brain realizes that we accept and love every part of them. Parents realize parenting isn't about us--it's about our dynamic with our children.Often, parents who are permissive are so caught up in "not rocking the boat" that they let their own emotions get in the way of what our children's brains are needing to thrive--namely, our calm and consistent, compassion-based leadership.In addition to our leadership, children also need our partnership. This harkens back to the idea that we're working alongside our children to solve problems, knowing families thrive best when we work together.Peaceful parents welcome their children's ideas, emotions, and perspectives even in the midst of adversity. Rather than imposing rules unilaterally, we value and take their input to heart whenever possible.Although many parents are afraid to do this kind of "partnership" in parenting (or perhaps they're skeptical of it), it can make a huge difference in helping the child feel seen and valued.At the same time, because it's a partnership and not a "child-in-charge" situation, the parent can compassionately set limits and get their own needs met, as well.Unlike many other parenting methods, peaceful parenting is not a win/lose scenario where either the parent or the child comes out ahead. It's where we choose to start connecting rather than constantly correcting our child's behavior.Instead of parenting from fear, we parent from a place of healthy empowerment. Basic tenets of this parenting style Peaceful parenting means adults take the time to learn what's normal in child development and understand that a child's behavior (positive or negative) is simply a reflection of what they're feeling on the inside. As the adage goes, all behavior is communication. Peaceful parenting advocates for understanding your own emotions so that you can model healthy emotional expression for your children, knowing children learn best by what you actually do, not just what you tell them to do. Learning to use Peaceful Discipline helps parents increase their understanding, and empathy for their children, explaining the neuroscience behind how emotional regulation, compassion, and resilience develop in children. It also helps parents learn how to manage their own triggers and remain calm and emotionally regulated even when they are feeling angry, while still being authentic (no, it's not an oxymoron--it's actually possible). Learning how to parent this way helps both children and adults because children learn best by watching the behaviors we model for them.  Guest Post By: Sarah Moore of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting The GENM Positive Parenting Course 0 Reviews $199.00 The GENM Positive Parenting Course provides you with the tools and support you deserve to become confident in raising children with discipline... View Product Positive Parenting

Children are wired to bounce back from trauma when they have protective factors in place. Through connection with a supportive adult, and through increasing their social-emotional skills, a child's health and development can tip towards positive outcomes.

Looking to make it through the day without yelling, power struggles or the dreaded parenting guilt? Stop what you're doing and check out these 5 simple (and effective) parenting hacks!

When your kids are not listening it can feel like your only tool is to yell. Here are some tips on how to shift from yelling to connection during times of misbehavior.