Mindful Moments Blog

Read as this mama shares how to become empowered by self-care rather than viewing it as a "to-do" in an already hectic world. 

These tried and true phrases will help you respond to your child in a way that keeps the peace, shows empathy, holds boundaries and brings calm to the situation. Test out a few and use the ones that feel right when you need to.

For so long, us mothers have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist. But we don't have to. Here are 5 ways to nurture yourself in small, manageable ways. Because, mama, you matter, too.  

For many years, I have centered my work around one message: Connection is everything. It’s our ticket to enjoying this parenting journey more. Of course, the question always then becomes, “How can we set boundaries and correct our children without losing that connection?” If we confuse “staying connected” with “never upsetting our children,” things begin to get very tricky. I have to admit, when I was first transitioning to positive parenting 13 years ago, I made the mistake of confusing the two. At the realization of how important my relationship was with my kids, I became fearful of ruining our bond. As a result, I struggled with setting and enforcing limits which had me constantly teetering between permissiveness and authoritarian parenting. When my permissiveness inevitably led to chaos, I reverted to my traditional punitive ways briefly before trying again to be the positive parent I desired to be. So, if you’re struggling with something similar in your parenting journey, I’d like to share with you what helped me learn to stand firm yet gentle in my position as a leader. Here’s something to remember. A good connection isn’t feeble. It isn’t going to break because you say no. It won’t crumble when you hold a boundary or even allow a consequence. A temporarily upset child (or parent) doesn’t equal a broken bond. When I was tip-toeing around my kids, afraid of breaking our connection by upsetting them, I felt powerless to correct their behavior. When I realized our relationship wasn’t that fragile, I was able to set and enforce limits and correct my children’s off-track behavior with confidence. Think of parenting like a balance scale for a moment. Ideally, there will be lots of positive, happy, snuggly, smiling moments and fewer negative (correcting, reprimanding, upsetting, frustrating) moments. When we focus too much on correcting or reprimanding and don’t give enough positive attention, the scale starts to tip in the wrong direction. When the negative outweighs the positive, connections crumble. On the other hand, if we try to make sure that all we have are positive interactions, we will be blatantly ignoring or pushing down a lot of things, because life isn’t always pleasant. If our kids never hear no or if they never encounter adversity, they’ll be woefully unprepared for life’s challenges. They’ll lack resilience, grit, and character. I’m not saying we have to make things hard on our kids for them to learn. I’m just saying that we cannot always rescue and coddle them either.  Ah, but there’s a small caveat. Even though we may have fewer negative moments than positive moments, being harsh or shaming during correction is still damaging to the relationship. In other words, saying “No, I won’t allow you to do that” isn’t damaging, but “You’re a bad boy” is. A solid connection can handle adversity, but shame will always be emotionally wounding. It turns out that shaming is all too common, and although children are very forgiving when we mess up, harsh words and actions leave their mark. So, learning how to approach negative behavior positively is important for keeping our connections strong, and this requires a shift in mindset and approach. Changing Your Mindset Positive parenting requires a shift from a fear-based mindset to a love-based mindset. Both authoritarian and permissive parenting are based on fear. The fear-based mindset says: I must control my child’s behavior. (authoritarian) My child learns not to repeat bad behavior by being punished. (authoritarian) I’m the dominant figure; my child is “under” me. (authoritarian) My child will hate me if I upset him. (permissive) Trying to positively parent with a fear-based mindset doesn’t work because the focus is still on who has the control, you or your child. The love-based mindset says: My role is to teach my child appropriate behavior. My child learns by my example via limits that are set and enforced respectfully. While I am the leader, my child is a human being with equal rights to be respected and heard. The positive parenting shift occurs when you move away from controlling your child’s behavior toward understanding it. Only when you understand where it’s coming from can you help her either heal the wound it is emanating from, meet the need, or learn the skill she is lacking? Changing Your Approach Once the focus is off control and on connection and understanding, how do you approach correcting or enforcing your limit while maintaining your connection? Find a few trusted parenting resources that inspire and uplift you and weed out the rest.  There is so much contradicting parenting information and advice out there that it can be completely overwhelming. The truth is that it is all trial and error anyway. Learn from those few that you trust. Read their blogs. Watch their videos. Take what resonates and leave the rest, but remember that you are a unique parent with a one-of-a-kind child.  What works for your mentor may not work for you, and that doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. It means you are on your own journey, and you will find your way. Look beyond the behavior of the little person in front of you.  It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to correct what is irritating you. Sometimes we slip into behavior patrol rather than parenting the whole human being. Ask yourself: What is he experiencing right now? What might he be feeling? What kind of help does he need from you? When you put your focus back on the human instead of the behavior, you can approach it with a level head. Validate your child’s emotions.  So often, our kids just want to know that we see them, we hear them, we understand. We may disagree with their expression of an emotion, but the emotion itself is just data. All emotions are valid. It’s our job to help them learn how to handle a wide range of emotions, not to suppress or ignore them.  Reparent yourself Reparenting work allows you to develop the emotional skills you need to tame your triggers, break unhealthy patterns, and provide the best environment and version of yourself that you can.  Look for solutions rather than punishments.  Kids need to learn how to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.  With lots of positive interactions, a love-based mindset, and a positive approach to changing behavior, you can keep your connection with your kids strong as you enforce your limits, correct off-track behavior, and guide them through childhood.

Want to decrease power struggles in your home? Give your child more autonomy using this tool. By Alyssa Blask Campbell One of the biggest challenges of parenting young children is navigating their intense need for autonomy and independence. Often this leads to power struggles where we find ourselves putting more and more pressure on the child to comply, and in turn, they push harder and harder against us.  When we can move away from focusing on compliance and towards connection, understanding, and collaboration, we can put the power struggles to bed.  Choice theory outlines two options and the key is that neither of them is punishment. The adult setting the boundary has to be okay with both choices so you don’t end up mad if your child doesn’t choose the one you wanted.  This might sound like: It's time to get in the car. Do you want to climb into your car seat or for me to lift you up?The choice is not whether the child will get in the seat, the choice is how they will get in there.  For many kids, it’s helpful for them to have an idea of your timeline. This might involve a visual timer or counting. It’s important that the timer (or verbally counting) isn’t used as a threat. These are tools to communicate an expectation around time, not a countdown to a punishment.  If your child does best with clear expectations around time, it might sound like this:  You can climb into your car seat or I will lift you up when I reach five. One, two, three, four, five. (when you say five, you lift them up even if they say they want to do it themselves). This can be especially hard when your child responds to your boundary with big emotions. Toddlers will often cry, yell, thrash, or otherwise try to express to us how upset they are and it can be hard to stay calm and hold the boundary.When your child is disappointed by the choices offered, or angry that you’re holding the boundary, this is an opportunity to connect with them and help them build emotional awareness. You can be a safe space for them to express those hard feelings, knowing you’ll respond with consistency.This might sound like:"It’s so hard to stop playing and get in the car. I get that. I’m going to lift you up and buckle you in to keep your body safe.” They are allowed to feel hard things. They’re allowed to be bummed about the boundary or disappointed that they have to stop what they’re doing before they want to. Those are feelings they’ll feel for the rest of their lives. The goal isn’t that they’re happy, it’s that they know you understand where they’re coming from and trust that when you say something you mean it. Every time you hold the boundary and respond with empathy, you build trust between you and your child. 

Why is my child clingy, emotional and crying and what can I do about it? Here are 7 tools for parents with clingy toddlers.

"He's mean to you because he likes you" is a harmful message that perpetuates the cycle of bullying and programs our children to accept abuse. Here are 4 things our kids need to know about boundaries and consent.

By: Suzanne Tucker Have you ever worried that your feelings are too big or "too much" to be acknowledged... much less shared out loud with another human being? Today I'm sharing a personal story and a practice I use for sharing my emotions despite this fear so many of us adopted in childhood that our feelings are not valid and thus, not worthy of being shared.  I call BS. The truth is that our feelings are data. They are not "right" or "wrong" so much as they are information -- a glimpse into our inner world.  So many of us grew up having emotions like sadness, grief, confusion, jealousy, and rage dismissed or denied by often well-intended but misguided adults who were never taught how to listen to, empathize with, and/or regulate emotions themselves.  Like the majority of adults on the planet, the friend I wanted to share my emotions with was raised in a family system that believed emotions were: weak not valid in and of themselves  and thus, NOT safe to feel In this video, I share my experience of having my adult friend dismiss and deny my emotions when I shared my feelings, and how I responded. In the above 12-minute video, I walk you through: A short centering exercise (1-3:00 min) My experience of being dismissed (3-4 min) How this tied to my childhood (5-6 min)  Feelings as sacred (6-6:45 min) How I "permitted" myself to feel (6:45 min) A mantra to help us hold space for our kids (8:45 min)  We can learn to acknowledge ourselves and validate our own emotions. And, in modeling these things, we can teach others how to affirm and validate emotions as well --- making it safe for the next generation and for ourselves to feel. JOIN THE REPARENT YOURSELF MEMBERSHIP We don't control the people in our lives or how they react to our sharing --- but we DO control our thoughts, words, and actions.  I hope my experience helps you feel more confident in expressing your feelings regardless of how they will be met. Because this numbed-out world needs more sensitive people.  If you believe every child deserves to learn about their emotions, please check out our Reparent Yourself Membership, a community for change-makers like you, where we do not view the past as our destiny, but rather, our curriculum!  Join us! About the author Suzanne Tucker is the founder of Generation Mindful, a physical therapist, a parent educator of 30 years, and a mom of 4 (including twins!). Suzanne has been studying the art and the science of connection-based parenting for decades. Her life's work is to help families around the world find more joy and connection in their relationships.   Why Being a Sensitive Parent is a Good Thing 5 Ways To Nurture Emotional Intelligence For Kids 10 Simple Mindfulness Activities For Kids To Build Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence is More Than Naming Emotions The Ultimate Guide To Building A Calming Corner And Using Time-Ins At Home How do you say goodbye to time-outs and introduce time-ins? This is the ultimate guide on the do's and don'ts for building and using a Calming Corner. "Ready-To-Hang" Time-In ToolKit 0 Reviews $99.00 The Time-In ToolKit® playfully teaches kids 2-9+ how to navigate big emotions through social emotional skill-building games. Created by child-develo... View Product trauma-informed co-parenting Break Shame Cycles model to learn Triggers boundaries self love Communication emotional regulation emotions Breaking Generational Cycles positive self talk emotional intelligence mental health regulation self-compassion self-love

We have all been there. Family who doesn’t agree with our parenting style, who uses fear and shame to push obedience for their convenience … those who may or may not be willing to work with you in raising an emotionally healthy child. Here are 4 steps for when this is the case. 

Learn how child-led art and play unlock your child's full potential, boost creativity, and support emotional growth in a fun, pressure-free way.

Use reparenting yourself exercises to reconnect with your vulnerable self, heal emotional wounds, and cultivate self-compassion for transformative growth.

It’s not about teaching our children not to be mad, sad, or frustrated. It’s about teaching them how to be mad, sad, and frustrated. Rather than teaching them to suppress or bottle their emotions, we can empower our children to move through them in healthy ways. Here's how. 

Boundaries often feel hard to set and harder to stick to, especially in parenting. Learn how to set boundaries that are clear and consistent while also validating your child's wants and desires with these 6 tools. 

Parenting during the holidays feels tough because it is tough. Here are 3 tips to get you through with less stress and more joy.