Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Signs Of Toxic Discipline And What To Do If You're Using It
by Ashley Patek
Do you use toxic discipline when raising your child? Here are 5 signs that you may. Learn how your childhood influenced your parenting and gain tips for healing both the relationship you have with yourself and the one you share with your child.
Mindful Moments Blog
How To Create A Calm Down Space Your Kids Won't Fight About
by Ashley Patek
We share tips on setting up your Calming Corner for more than one child so it doesn't become another thing on the list of things they argue over.
Mindful Moments Blog
Consequences For When My Child Misbehaves
by Ashley Patek
We all want to raise kind and empathetic humans. And when our children fail to pick up their toys, do their homework, or listen to our requests, our instinct is to issue a consequence. But what type of consequences work?
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Simple Ways To Build Resilience in 2021
by Guest Author
Being a social worker has always had some ambiguity on how a day will unfold. Some days I breeze through the hall watching laughing children congregating near their lockers, and other days there is a crisis in a student’s home resulting in tears. But 2020 is a different kind of year.
Mindful Moments Blog
Raising Teens: They're Still Under Construction
by Rebecca Eanes
“Just wait until the teen years,” they’d say. Now I am here, and I get what they were referring to. Teens' fluctuating moods can be hard to deal with, but it's not our fault. Blame it on the brain.
Mindful Moments Blog
There Is No Such Thing As A Bad Child
by Guest Author
As a mother and trauma therapist, I can sniff out social trauma from a mile away.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
What is a trigger, why do we have them and why are we so dang triggered by our kids?!
Mindful Moments Blog
Our Kids Are Listening Even When They Don't Seem Like It
by Ashley Patek
I was starting to lose hope that my three-year-old was actually absorbing anything when I talked to him about emotions or attempted to elicit empathy after he hit or kicked another in a fit of rage. But then this happened, and I realized he had been listening after all.
Mindful Moments Blog
Parenting Still Takes a Village, Here’s 5 Fresh Reasons Why
by Ashley Patek
When we realize one truth - that we don’t have to do it all, all of the time, we buttress our child’s social and emotional development right alongside our own.
Mindful Moments Blog
Parenting A Sensitive And Strong-Willed Child
by Ashley Patek
Raising a strong-willed child? You're not alone. Gain access to tools that help you validate the emotions fueling their meltdown, plus tangible tips to redirect hitting, kicking, spitting, power struggles, and other challenging behaviors.
Mindful Moments Blog
A Simple Way to Raise Compassionate Kids
by Viki de Lieme
If we want our children to exercise the compassionate parts of themselves, it is important that we expose them to these 3 components of their experience.
By Viki de Lieme
We passed three kindergarten facilities on our way to school, and this morning there were noisy construction sounds coming from one of them. Ilay, my six-year-old, who was never a fan of loud noises, said he hated the drilling.
"I don't like the noise, either," I said to him. "Can you see why they are drilling?"
He stopped, looked inside, and said, "Looks like they are fixing something and replacing some stuff."
I then asked him what this meant for the kids in that kindergarten, and he replied that the kids would have a nicer kindergarten. And I then asked, "Do you still hate the noise?"
He said, "No."
The Automatic Reaction
Looking at the world, we see what our eyes show us, and what we take from it is what our brain already knows. Ilay heard the noise and his brain said, "I don't like noise!" and that's what he took from the situation, but that's pretty narrow and limited, isn't it?
One of our most prominent roles as parents is to teach our children to think, examine, analyze, and eventually, live beyond the automatic reaction. To do that, we need to expose them to the components of their experience.
The Three Layers of Experience
No matter which experience we choose to look at, we can always break it into three layers: external, internal, and systemic. Teaching our children to do the same is KEY to compassion, analytical thinking, care, and a plethora of other traits.
Let's take this morning, for example. External is what actually happened (drilling at the facility). Internal is how Ilay's brain reacted to the happening (I don't like noise!). Finally, systemic is the bigger picture, which allows us to influence and adapt the internal.
Parents Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction
To instill skills and values in our children, we must first embody them. From my experience as a parent and parent educator, I know firsthand how hard it is to part from the automatic reaction. But while indeed hard, this is the first step to a life of compassion and calm.
When we break things down into their components and bravely see the bigger picture, our feelings change. When our feelings change, so do reactions.
Say your child melts down at the store (external). Your internal screams, "Why does this have to happen every single time?" Feelings of anger, impatience, frustration, and confusion arise, and your reaction follows. But if you added the systemic and said to yourself, "He's crying for his lost autonomy," for example, you'd feel compassion and empathy towards your little one, and your reaction would follow.
Children Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction
Teaching children the three layers of experience allows us to bring peace into every situation because anger, frustration, and other unpleasant feelings disappear miraculously when our eyes are open to the systemic layer.
Say your younger child snatches the older one's toy, and the older one automatically gets upset. If we stick to the automated, a fight will follow. But what if we help the older one break it down?
Mom: What happened? (external)
Child: He took my toy!
Mom: And what does it mean to you? (internal)
Child: He always does it!
Mom: Why do you think he did it? (systemic)
Child: Because he wants to play.
The feelings generated by "he always does it" are those of resentment and anger, while those generated by "he wants to play" are those of connection and understanding.
Goodbye Automatic Reactions
One of the activities we often practice during dinner is taking guesses. We analyze each other's behavior and guess WHY they did what they did. Not only does this teach kids how to analyze behaviors and open their hearts to those around them, but it also opens an incredible door into your child's soul.
Sometimes, taking the wrong guess serves you because your little one will immediately give you the answer that's right for them.
The Giraffe and the Tiger
A few weeks ago, when Jon returned from a work trip abroad, he brought back two plushies - a giraffe and a tiger, both super sweet. Ilay immediately chose the tiger and handed the giraffe to Lia. They were both happy at first. A few days later, Ilay started developing a desire for the giraffe. He tried to convince Lia to switch, and she wouldn't. He got upset, closed the door behind him, and cried for a long time.
After a while, Lia went to him and gave him the giraffe. "Present," she said. Then again, for a short little bit, they were both happy. But sure enough, at bedtime, Lia wanted the giraffe. At two years old, the word "present" is not as eternal as it is at six. Ilay got upset, again, this time with Lia.
"What happened"? I asked, aiming for the external.
"Lia took the giraffe back!"
"You're feeling sad because the giraffe is not yours?" I continued, trying to guess the internal.
"No, because she lied to me!"
Equipped with this knowledge, I could then use the systemic to influence the internal.
"You know you'd never take back something you gifted, and you're upset that Lia did. I get it. Why do you think she did it in the first place"?
"Because I was crying, and she wanted to make me happy," he said, looking at Lia again but this time with a soft gaze.
"Yea, I think so, too. And do you think that she understands the word "present" as you do?"
"No," he said and cuddled his tiger.
It's about the Need, Not the Want
Ilay didn't eventually get what he wanted, but he fell asleep with a better understanding of himself and a deeper understanding of Lia. He could appreciate what she did for him in a moment of distress, and he understood why she took it back. And understanding is what one needs to open the door to empathy.
Mindful Moments Blog
Feeding The Senses Helps Regulate Emotions: Part 1
by Ashley Patek
Learn about your child's sensory system and how dysregulation leads to big emotions. Here are some tools to alert or calm your kiddo's nervous system to help regulate big feelings and behavior.
Mindful Moments Blog
Creating Safe Spaces and Nurturing Connection Using Social Stories and More
by Ashley Patek
Home visits can play an important role in alleviating the intergenerational transmission of trauma by helping parents and caregivers build positive and healthy attachments with their children. And, in using social stories for home visits, children can better navigate challenging situations. Here's how. Plus FREE Scripted Social Stories Printable.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
A poem about savoring the little moments of parenting. "No one prepared me for the hardest part of parenting … letting go. Parenting is the longest, most gradual break-up. A story that grows in chapters, filled with firsts that turn into lasts."
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Sensory Activities Better Than Slime
by Ashley Patek
I am no Pinterest mom. Let’s start there. But when I saw a picture of a kiddo playing in a tub of colored noodles, it intrigued me. As an occupational therapist, sensory integration is my jam. Unfortunately, the noodles turned out to be one colossal fail. Here are 5 sensory activities that won’t let you down.
Mindful Moments Blog
If It All Feels Heavy Today, Read This
by Rebecca Eanes
There are millions of beautiful moments in parenting and also, sometimes, it feels hard. If you’re finding yourself in a heavy season today, or if you are having trouble recognizing yourself, here are 5 pieces of encouragement.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Steps For Managing Parenting Stress This Holiday Season
by Ashley Patek
Parenting during the holidays feels tough because it is tough. Here are 3 tips to get you through with less stress and more joy.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
Poem about Motherhood. "While Motherhood has completely undone her, she has rebuilt herself from the sticks and stones more whole than she could have ever imagined."
Mindful Moments Blog
Fifth Grader Creates Kindness Closet For Fellow Students In Need
by Ashley Patek
Ten-year-old Andi Musser created a Kindness Closet, a place students from families with limited incomes or those simply in need of essentials can visit during the school day to "shop" for new or gently worn garments.
