Mindful Moments Blog

A manufacturing inaccuracy of Generation Mindful's SnuggleBuddies gave rise to a beautiful lesson: we are all perfectly imperfect.

What if I was done? Complete. Leaving me incomplete. Longing to be a work in progress. Round around the edges. Potential yet realized.

What do you do when your child is so deep into their meltdown that they do not want to go to their calm down space ... or even want you near them? Here is a parent's guide.

A the school counselor shares how her school transformed its classroom culture by using SnuggleBuddies plush toys to teach students about their emotions. 

When your child says “I hate you!” you might find yourself getting defensive or you may feel the urge to assert control over the situation. The key to getting to the root of the challenge is to look beyond the hurtful words to figure out what’s going on for them emotionally. What are they really saying?

7 proactive tips + 3 in the moment tools Moving from summer break to back to school is a transition, and transitions are tricky for kids, which means they are also tricky for parents. But you don’t have to navigate this alone. We have some tools to make it less stressful for both you and your child. But first, let’s look at one reason why children may be hesitant to shift gears this school season. Two words: Separation Anxiety.  Now certainly, there are many other aspects that make it challenging for children to transition based on circumstance, brain development, and individual biochemistry and temperament, but for the sake of this article, we are focusing on your child’s fear of being away from you.   Back-To-School Separation Anxiety  Our greatest need as humans is attachment. Our children instinctively know this and communicate this need through their behavior. Does your child struggle to say goodbye or scream at drop-off? Do you find that your child is clingy? How about resisting bedtime with a zillion “one more, mommy” requests? While separation anxiety is most intense for babies and toddlers, older children may experience similar sensations when sick, frightened, or feeling unsure or stressed. This is because children, as an innate survival mechanism, are wired to seek their deepest attachments for safety and security. A perceived threat will move them away from danger and toward protection - aka you.  But is a transition really a threat? Well, to a child’s developing brain, often yes. They process the world very concretely and so anything that is outside the familiar can throw a real wrench in their regulation. So, that thing called school that happened eight weeks ago may be a trigger.  Another thing that registers as a threat to our child’s developing brain is being away from you. School requires them to leave their safe attachment and be with a less familiar caregiver - to go from their safe space (aka home) to a place where things are new and different.  7 Proactive Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety Here are 7 tools to help prepare you for the back-to-school transition.  1. Shift routines now A week or maybe days before school begins, bring some simple school-year rituals back into your home. This may include setting a sensible bedtime, selecting tomorrow’s clothes, and a visual chart to help with morning routines.  2. Visit the school  If it is available to do so before the school year begins, plan a tour with your child or attend available school orientations. Spend time on the playground or in the classroom and introduce your child to their teacher. While we may feel comfortable with our children returning to school, our children often don’t feel this way until they have a connection with those who will be watching them in our absence. We can begin to foster that connection now.  3. Discuss the transition If visiting the actual school is not an option, verbally prepare your child for the transition. You may choose to review morning and after-school rituals, review class schedules, lunch and recess periods, and what they can expect during class. Break this up over the course of days and in age and developmentally appropriate chunks. Because our child's nervous system mirrors ours, our excitement and confidence will help reduce their anxious feelings.  4. Role-play A great way to prepare kids, especially younger ones, is through role-playing. Enact the school day with your child. First, invite your child to be the parent/teacher/bus driver while you are the student. Model what a day may look like. Then, switch, encouraging your child to take the student role. This helps them feel safer and in control. You may also practice skills like asking questions, introducing themselves, asking to play on the playground, or anything else that they feel uneasy about. In offering these playful experiences for your child, you help prime their brain for what is to come, replacing fear and aloneness with connection and silliness. 5. Arrange play dates If you know that your child is sharing classroom space with someone, get a playdate on the books before school starts. Studies show that the presence of a familiar peer during school transitions can enhance a child’s emotional adjustment to their new environment.  6. Practice separation For younger children, you may choose to practice the separation before school begins. Simply taking a walk around the block or leaving for the store while they are in the care of another safe adult helps establish trust that you will always come back. Slowly increase the increments that you are gone and build from there.  If you are unable to leave your home, practice within the home. Start next to your child and slowly increase separation until you are in another room. Meet your child where they are. If they can only be away for a few minutes, start there and build time. You may find that using a timer makes this process more concrete for your child.  7. Take a Time-In This is an opportunity to check in with how your child feels about the transition back to school. Using feeling charts, your child can communicate whether they feel excited, scared, sad or some other emotion. Your child trusts you so, instead of telling them that they have nothing to worry about and that they will have fun, listen and validate, reflecting on what you hear. If your child isn’t into communicating verbally, invite them to draw how they feel or measure how they feel. “How big are your nervous feelings?” Communicate that our feelings are visitors, they are valid, and they are useful. Discuss calming strategies to help your child anchor their anxiety.  3 In The Moment Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety 1. Focus on the return Instead of focusing on your departure, give energy to the next connection moment with your child. This helps your child relax into the transition instead of the impending doom that you will soon be separated. Trusting they will see you again, your child will feel less of the need to chase your attachment. This may sound like, “After school, I will pick you up and we will spend some time snuggling up together reading your new book!” 2. Offer brief goodbyes  A brief goodbye routine can help your child process the transition. Keep this ritual consistent each day so that, over time, they know what to expect, which helps them remain regulated and create stability around the transition from being with you to being without you. This may look like you offering a hug and saying, “I love you and I will see you soon” before leaving.  3. Give a token Another simple tool is to give a token of you to your child that they can take with them to school. This may be something they put in their pocket or a bracelet they wear or a little heart you draw on their hand. It could be a picture of your family or a little note in their lunchbox. Enroll your child and choose something meaningful together. This helps your child feel closer to you when you are not around.  If your child does become emotional around the back-to-school ritual, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong” Remind yourself that you are a good parent and that your loving effort will help build resilience.  Your child’s tears are a way of releasing anxiety, and when they can trust you to hold space and validate their experience, to guide them through it, they build a deeper sense of connection with you, which will help them trust that bond even when you are not around. 

If you feel like you are learning about emotional regulation right alongside your child, it’s because, very likely, you are. Here's how to use a feelings chart to teach your kids (and yourself) about emotions and calming strategies to decrease tantrums and nurture emotional intelligence.

When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. Was I ever going to be a mom? That was a hard no for me.  I never daydreamed about a future of growing a round belly to carry life. Or swaying a baby to sleep or bouncing a toddler on my hip. I never imagined myself in a role where I was needed so completely and loved so profoundly.  The younger 20-something version of me shut this part down. Maybe it was the fascination of my time being mine. Or maybe it was the back-to-back loss of my brother and father. Or maybe the doctor who said it would never happen anyways.  Either way … not for me. Parenting? Pass.  But life has a way of shaking up what you think you know and turning it on its head. As two pink lines turned into blue onesies and doe-brown eyes, my response changed.  Was I ever going to be a mom? I couldn’t imagine myself as anything else.  Parenthood is the ultimate journey - not only in getting to know our children but in growing (and testing) ourselves, too. Here are 12 things I have learned as a mother - principles to live by.  1. I am qualified.  Took me a bit to believe this one. But I am. And so are you. The gig doesn’t come with a manual, which means we are the manual. I spent so much time on Dr. Google with my first, searching for answers to questions that usually started with “Is this normal when …” or “What do you do when …”  that I overlooked the little whisper of intuition deep inside. We are all the exact parents our children need. Our children already know this, and it’s time for us to believe it, too.  2. It all starts with me.  This may be the biggest Einstein moment for me - my deepest revelation about parenting. Parenting isn’t just about raising small humans into adults, it is equally about reparenting the child inside of us. I have come to recognize that there is a little girl within me who cries out to be seen and heard, and she throws her biggest tantrums in the face of my children’s challenging behaviors. It isn’t about my boys and what they are doing, it is about the way I perceive what they are doing. And the things I struggle with the most now when parenting are the things I had to suppress within me when I was a child. Phew. Lots to chew on there.  3. Parenting is a relationship.  I used to think parenting was something parents did to their children, but I realize now that it is way more relational than that. There are a pair of wants, needs, desires, and perspectives here, not just mine. Just because one set belongs to a pint-sized human doesn’t mean that they are any less valid, worthy, or important. Younger in age doesn’t equate to an inferior human.  4. I will mess up. Despite my best loving intentions, I am going to miss the mark a time or two (or a zillion). I am going to yell or say or do something I’d like to take back. That doesn’t make me a bad mom. But, because of this, I am going to get really good at making repairs. So, forget what you see on social - that is only part of the story. No one is perfect. No one.  5. Everything is temporary. Ev-er-y-thing. Those sleep challenges where you feel like you’re reliving groundhog’s day … temporary. You will sleep again. How about those tricky milestones of power struggles, meltdowns, and tantrums? Also temporary. The sarcastic tween stage and the “I know it all” teen phase … temporary. Doesn’t mean these moments aren’t hard, they are, and they can feel like they stretch on for eternity. But, do you know what else is also temporary? Their littleness … the way they snuggle in your nook or say your name a million times (“mom … mom … mom”), the afternoons of play, the nights of laying with them until they fall asleep … there will be a last time for it all. And as one chapter closes, another will open, with its challenges and its blessings.  6. Sometimes it’s okay to lower the bar.  I had BIG ideas about how I would parent. No processed food. No screen time. No ugly cartoon tee shirts. But somewhere along the line, I realized that it was okay to lower the bar from time to time, to shift, to give in here and there, especially when in survival mode. Totally exhausted, run-down, depleted, overwhelmed, need a break - I mean, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make it through. I always strive to do my best. Sometimes that’s a 10, and sometimes it is a two. I am no less a mom on my 10 days than I am on the days of a two. 7. The checkboxes aren’t as important as the connection.  I remember a little face looking back at me waiting for me to answer the question he had already asked 60 times, and legitimately, I didn’t hear him once. My mind was on the laundry, dinner, errands, how to juggle schedules, making the perfect birthday cupcakes … about a hundred other things, none of which included my child at that moment. Our children don’t care about our to-do list. They care about our presence. Time is precious. Don’t focus on those things you will forget about next week, and don’t let it create friction in your relationship. Focus it on what is important - the quality (not quantity) of time and connection with your child.  8. I don’t want obedient kids.  I used to think that I wanted kids who listened and did as I said. And while submission may be an easier parenting approach in the short game, it creates issues down the road. I want my children to be able to say no - to me, their peers, or anyone or anything that doesn’t align with their intuition. I don’t want to punish or control my kids to make them behave, listen, or comply. I want to raise children who think for themselves, follow their bliss, and aren’t scared to go against the grain.  9. Behavior serves as a function.  I used to think that my child was giving me a hard time anytime challenging behavior arose. At one point, that was like every three minutes. It was super frustrating and I started to resent the little human I loved so much. But then, I realized something pretty amazing. All behavior is communication. Under the meltdowns and tantrums was always an unmet need or lagging skill that was making it challenging for him to meet an expectation. Behavior is never the problem, it is the symptom. And when we solve the problem at its core, the behavior regulates itself.  10. Kids aren’t mini-adults.  Biologically, neurologically, and emotionally, our kids are kids, not adults. Most of the behaviors we label as defiant are actually development. Whining, fluctuating big emotions, impulsivity, not listening, hitting their sibling, lying, trouble sharing … all the things lead back to brain development. The part of their brain responsible for these high-level skills is immature and the part of the brain that tells them to fight, flight, or freeze is fully developed, so it only makes sense that they will use the tools they have. We are the adults with a fully formed brain and it is our role to teach, guide, and model for their developing one.  11. Emotional education is the bomb. Want your kids to stop being little hotheads who run through the house like a bat out of hell? Want to connect with them and build an attachment where they feel safe, seen, and validated so that your toddler or teen lets you into their world? Want to promote academic success? Emotional education is where it’s at. Teach your kids how to notice, name, and manage what they feel, and model doing the same. It builds the foundation for everything.  12. I matter too.  In the 18 (plus) years where your world revolves around your kids, remember that you also matter. I love being a mom, and that is one of the biggest parts of me, but, it isn’t the only part. I still want to do a yoga class or take a walk alone. I still want to follow my career dreams. I still need my girlfriends. And I want to date my husband so I don’t forget how cool we really are together. There will be seasons for all of it. Release any pressure to do it right, and remember that self-care is a mindset. Pause to notice what you want and then give yourself what you need, no matter how big or small.  When we let it, parenting becomes the ultimate teacher. I have learned so much and am sure I have more yet to discover. Focus on where you are right now because the journey - not the end - is the magic. Learn More About Reparenting By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.  If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.  Normally $197, marked down to just $47 when you checkout today. Heal your past, tame your triggers, change your life. Get lifetime access to 15+ incredible resources from top parenting experts in this one-of-a-kind offering. Check out the speaker lineup and topics in this helpful Reparent Yourself journal. Join today and: 💚 Break generational patterns 💚 Let go of conflict avoidance and perfectionism 💚 Replace codependent behaviors with self-care

Research shows that when we shame, blame, and guilt children into kindness, or, quite the opposite, when we dangle carrots (aka external rewards) for caring, children begin to view kindness as a chore rather than a choice. So how do we teach kindness? Read more.

We are so accustomed to parenting being a struggle. We expect it. We deal with it. We fight back and forth for control. But what if I told you that their behavior was not defiance but development. Here are 3 tools to help your child grow their emotional regulation and impulse control muscles. 

Whether the kid crew is acting mild or wild, chances are, your days would go a little more smoothly if you started and ended them with a few simple mindful moments. Here are 5 daily mindful moments you can add in (not on) to your day to have less yelling and more peace in your home. 

These tried and true phrases will help you respond to your child in a way that keeps the peace, shows empathy, holds boundaries and brings calm to the situation. Test out a few and use the ones that feel right when you need to.

What is neurodiversity and how do we move from awareness to acceptance to advocating for in small everyday moments?

When a parent habitually removes affection or acceptance from a child as a means of coercing compliance, the child is forced into codependency or rebellion. The child has to work for attachment and forfeit authenticity, or fight for authenticity and forfeit attachment. Here are 3 ways to meet both vital emotional needs. 

A public tantrum doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, but rather a learning moment in the broad scope of a day together. We can let children know with our words and actions that, wherever we are, emotions are safe to feel. Sometimes we can decrease the likelihood of a meltdown. Here are six helpful factors to consider:

For so long, us mothers have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist. But we don't have to. Here are 5 ways to nurture yourself in small, manageable ways. Because, mama, you matter, too.  

Is there a way to play an improv game that encourages a productive conversation about bullying behavior? The answer is yes. We have it for you here. 

We created this three-page printable bundle to help you and your family set mindful, empowering, and FUN intentions that stick... together: It's our gift to you. Happy New Year! All of these intention setting activities can be done by yourself, with one child at a time, or as a family. Your word of the year can be placed in a prominent place as a reminder (e.g. the refrigerator or on a bathroom mirror) or if you prefer, you can place your word in a private place just for you. Remember, mindful living is a journey, not a destination. Go slow, be gentle with yourself, and celebrate the gift that you are to the world every step of the way. Elizabeth A. Sautter, MA, CCC, is a licensed speech and language pathologist, blogger, author, presenter, certified mindfulness teacher. | See expert's full bio >> _____________ For a free set of printable calming strategies and video on how to use time-ins, join our mailing list. Generation Mindful creates educational tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive positive parenting tools and support in your inbox each week.