Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
You're Not Meant To Be Perfect, And Neither Is Your Child
by Ashley Patek
5 tools to help your inner child overcome the fear of failure so that you and your kids can embrace a growth mindset!
I can’t remember when it first started, but it has followed me like my own shadow throughout most of my life. And all too often, it steps forward into the light, smacking me in the face to remind me it’s there.
Perfectionism.
Am I doing enough for my kids?
Am I dropping the ball at work?
How do I date my husband and spend time with myself and keep the house afloat?
Will my friends forgive me? I haven’t responded to their texts in three days, or maybe longer.
The questions all lead to one response. I am falling short of perfect, messing up, not enough.
Nothing will cause us to look in the mirror at all parts of ourselves more than becoming a parent. And that’s exactly what my two sons have done - reflected back to me this limiting belief that says I have to be exemplary or I am failing.
The trickle-down effect was palpable as I watched my three-year-old son throw his red crayon across the room after coloring out of the lines in his Paw Patrol coloring book. Tears brimming, he wailed, “It is ruined. It’s not the way I wanted to do it. I never want to color again.”
After comforting my son and stumbling across my words, because clearly, I was lacking the skills I wanted to teach, I settled in to relate to his pain. I got it. I really did. Because I have spent most of my life there.
I realized that if I didn’t learn tools to help my son embrace his mistakes, then tears over a scribbled picture would turn into tears about striking out at baseball, getting a B on a paper … and an overwhelming urgency to have all things go his way.
I began reading all the tips and tricks that experts suggested in helping my child overcome his fixed mindset, and with all of my short-hand sticky notes framing my computer, it felt more like putting a band-aid over a deeper wound. The pulse was coming from me. Because while my son was early in his brain development, I was also emotionally immature.
It was time to stop shaming myself for my mistakes and learn to befriend them … to acknowledge them as the teachers they are.
Here are five things I did to help blast through my perfectionism.
1. Get to the root
Carol Dweck, psychologist and the author of Mindset who coined the term growth mindset, says, “Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence—like a gift—by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact, has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.”
I felt like she wrote this specifically for my child-self. Reflecting back to my youth, my parents, with the best of intentions and full of heart, assured me that I was the best - When I colored a picture, I was the best artist … When I won the track race, I was the best athlete that day … When I got an A on my test, I was the best student. In being told I was “perfect”, I began to fear being “not perfect”. Would they still love me if I fell short of the best? This single question followed me through all future relationships, including motherhood.
And there it was, the root of my perfectionism stemmed from fear of losing my attachments. At least now I knew what I was really dealing with.
2. Learn to release
“True self-confidence is the courage to be open - to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source. It is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow,” says Dweck.
So the new question became, how do I become courageously me?
I wrote down everything that I felt like I was failing. And then I tore the page in half. And then, tore it again. I threw the shredded papers in the recycle bin where they could be transmuted to something useful because my guilt sure wasn’t helping anyone.
3. Adopt a new perspective
Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, and author says that healthy striving is self-focused, asking ourselves, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism is other-focused, causing us to ask, “What will they think?”
I realized that being the best was a narrow concept. Instead, I could focus on being my best, and that was fluid minute to minute. Sometimes my best is locking myself in the bathroom for five deep breaths before re-entering the chaos of raising small children, and sometimes the bar is much higher. When I put the power back into myself, to ask what I want and need, I can overcome life’s disruptions with much more resilience.
4. Create a mantra
I knew I needed some sort of mantra to repeat to myself as I was likely to fall back into old habits, at least initially. So I created this practice: Place one hand on your heart, and one hand on your belly. Breathe in: I am love. Breathe out: I am enough. Rinse and repeat all day long.
5. Practiced acceptance
For my children to embrace their mistakes, they had to become safe for me, too. When I did mess up, I noticed my self-talk and focused on shifting from I can’t believe I did this to My mistakes help me learn and grow. With practice, mistakes became allowed, and even welcomed, in our household.
I also circled back to the beginning, my child-self who was a slave to praise. I gave her permission to be loved, flaws and all. Shifting into motherhood, I began to notice and celebrate my boys’ efforts over their outcomes so that they have the freedom to meet challenges head-on without the trepidation of a what if I fail mentality?
My boys and I are learning to do the lionhearted work of being ourselves together. So, you ask, how did I help my sons develop a growth mindset? I started with me.
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Heart's Treasure Hunt Storytime
by Suzanne Tucker
Join Generation Mindful founder, Suzanne Tucker, for a fun, interactive reading of Heart's Treasure Hunt, our best-selling children's book where Heart goes on an adventure to discover "what is love and where does love live?..."
The answer might just surprise you!
Download this FREE PRINTABLE to color with the children in your home or classroom after storytime.
Have Your Own Storytime & Make Learning About Emotions FUN!
Heart SnuggleBuddies Emotions Plush & Book Bundle
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Buy today and receive a FREE Feelings Journal (see below)! The perfect addition to any Calming Corner, Heart is our newest SnuggleBuddies Emotions Plush...
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Play to Learn
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emotions
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Children's books
Impulse Control
Raising Toddlers
social emotional skills
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Calming Spaces for Muggles, Wizards and Eight-Year-Old Girls Alike
by Alex Petrou
Wisdom. Emotional intelligence. Maturity. These words typically conjure up the image of someone older than you. Perhaps it’s someone you know and revere for their persistent nature and kind soul. That person for me is Elizabeth: an 8-year-old I’ve only just met. Older than me? Not by a long shot. A person from whom I could learn from? Absolutely.
Elizabeth and her mom reside in St. Louis, and I was lucky enough to speak with them very recently about their enjoyment of their products from Generation Mindful. Not only was it encouraging to hear they were well-loved already, but there was a tone in this young girl’s voice that stopped me dead in my tracks: she was fully embracing the mindfulness mindset, and was already self-aware enough to speak with me about her own growth and life today.
Elizabeth answered the phone when I called and did so with so much gusto that I thought I was speaking to her mom, Tracy, instead! We chatted Harry Potter, and our shared love of his adventures and magical stories bonded us immediately. She, without a doubt, is a Gryffindor: she was happy to share this fact with me, and even pointed me in the direction of the sorting hat if I wanted to do so myself. I assured her I’m a longtime Hufflepuff and noted that we work well together. She reminded me we all can.
The mother-daughter duo then proceeded to tell me more about the magical Calming Corner they’ve set up in their basement, in a little room below the stairs: just like a certain big-feeling boy Elizabeth and I both know quite well.
It was previously used for storage, but once they received their posters and toolkit from Generation Mindful, their collective lightbulb went off and they just knew that space would be better used as Elizabeth’s very own Calming Corner. In it, she’s incorporated her toolbox of helpful things: some stuffed poodles, some coloring utensils, a small pad for her drawings and doodlings.
She tells me that it makes her happy and to feel calm, and her mom also chuckles and notes that she’s spoken with the poodles a time or two when she needed to vent as well; and that it really, truly helps them to have that space.
Making an area an inviting haven for comfort, peace, and love means it will be used. It will be loved, and much reflection and growth can happen there as well. Sometimes we need a place that is all our own, with tools made with those big feelings in mind.
Dumbledore famously said to his protege Mr. Potter, “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?”
We can’t help but agree.
_____________
Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.
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by Guest Author
Self-care looks different for everyone. And it’s certainly not just one big thing you do because someone else tells you it will be therapeutic. Instead, we can put small systems in place that make nurturing our own well-being too small and too easy to fail, and here's how.
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Growing a Growth Mindset: The Big Life Journal
by Alex Petrou
Parenting is hard.
I am 17 years into the raising of humans, and of this one thing I am absolutely certain. I will NEVER get it "right". The good news is this: getting it "right" is no longer my goal.
GROWING A GROWTH MINDSET
Today I had the pleasure of chatting with mom and co-creator of the Big Life Journal Alexandra Eidens. Listen in as we talk about the gift of "doing it wrong" and the difference this 'lil journal is having for children ages 6-7 and up.
Help launch the book and get in on a special discounted rate HERE by supporting the Big Life Journal's crowdfunding campaign.
Want some extra help in letting go of "right" and finding more joy and less stress in parenting? Check out this free one hour webinar called Parenting From Your Center (When You Are Pissed Off).
EMBRACING OUR MISTAKES
It is SO not about being perfect.
The truth is, we can have a powerful, positive impact on our children when we embrace our limitations (and our children's!) and practice parenting from a growth mindset.
Join me and thousands of other parents in the Generation Mindful community as we move past the many pitfalls that come with having a fixed mindset.
Take the free webinar. Order yourself a Big Life Journal. Say "no" to mama/papa guilt and "yes" to being enough.
xo
Suzanne Tucker, Founder of Generation Mindful, has helped thousands connect on a deeper level to themselves and their families. As a physical therapist with a focus on attachment, and parent educator, Suzanne offers Infant Massage and Positive Parenting classes, and private parenting support.
_____________
Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.
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