Mindful Moments Blog

7 proactive tips + 3 in the moment tools Moving from summer break to back to school is a transition, and transitions are tricky for kids, which means they are also tricky for parents. But you don’t have to navigate this alone. We have some tools to make it less stressful for both you and your child. But first, let’s look at one reason why children may be hesitant to shift gears this school season. Two words: Separation Anxiety.  Now certainly, there are many other aspects that make it challenging for children to transition based on circumstance, brain development, and individual biochemistry and temperament, but for the sake of this article, we are focusing on your child’s fear of being away from you.   Back-To-School Separation Anxiety  Our greatest need as humans is attachment. Our children instinctively know this and communicate this need through their behavior. Does your child struggle to say goodbye or scream at drop-off? Do you find that your child is clingy? How about resisting bedtime with a zillion “one more, mommy” requests? While separation anxiety is most intense for babies and toddlers, older children may experience similar sensations when sick, frightened, or feeling unsure or stressed. This is because children, as an innate survival mechanism, are wired to seek their deepest attachments for safety and security. A perceived threat will move them away from danger and toward protection - aka you.  But is a transition really a threat? Well, to a child’s developing brain, often yes. They process the world very concretely and so anything that is outside the familiar can throw a real wrench in their regulation. So, that thing called school that happened eight weeks ago may be a trigger.  Another thing that registers as a threat to our child’s developing brain is being away from you. School requires them to leave their safe attachment and be with a less familiar caregiver - to go from their safe space (aka home) to a place where things are new and different.  7 Proactive Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety Here are 7 tools to help prepare you for the back-to-school transition.  1. Shift routines now A week or maybe days before school begins, bring some simple school-year rituals back into your home. This may include setting a sensible bedtime, selecting tomorrow’s clothes, and a visual chart to help with morning routines.  2. Visit the school  If it is available to do so before the school year begins, plan a tour with your child or attend available school orientations. Spend time on the playground or in the classroom and introduce your child to their teacher. While we may feel comfortable with our children returning to school, our children often don’t feel this way until they have a connection with those who will be watching them in our absence. We can begin to foster that connection now.  3. Discuss the transition If visiting the actual school is not an option, verbally prepare your child for the transition. You may choose to review morning and after-school rituals, review class schedules, lunch and recess periods, and what they can expect during class. Break this up over the course of days and in age and developmentally appropriate chunks. Because our child's nervous system mirrors ours, our excitement and confidence will help reduce their anxious feelings.  4. Role-play A great way to prepare kids, especially younger ones, is through role-playing. Enact the school day with your child. First, invite your child to be the parent/teacher/bus driver while you are the student. Model what a day may look like. Then, switch, encouraging your child to take the student role. This helps them feel safer and in control. You may also practice skills like asking questions, introducing themselves, asking to play on the playground, or anything else that they feel uneasy about. In offering these playful experiences for your child, you help prime their brain for what is to come, replacing fear and aloneness with connection and silliness. 5. Arrange play dates If you know that your child is sharing classroom space with someone, get a playdate on the books before school starts. Studies show that the presence of a familiar peer during school transitions can enhance a child’s emotional adjustment to their new environment.  6. Practice separation For younger children, you may choose to practice the separation before school begins. Simply taking a walk around the block or leaving for the store while they are in the care of another safe adult helps establish trust that you will always come back. Slowly increase the increments that you are gone and build from there.  If you are unable to leave your home, practice within the home. Start next to your child and slowly increase separation until you are in another room. Meet your child where they are. If they can only be away for a few minutes, start there and build time. You may find that using a timer makes this process more concrete for your child.  7. Take a Time-In This is an opportunity to check in with how your child feels about the transition back to school. Using feeling charts, your child can communicate whether they feel excited, scared, sad or some other emotion. Your child trusts you so, instead of telling them that they have nothing to worry about and that they will have fun, listen and validate, reflecting on what you hear. If your child isn’t into communicating verbally, invite them to draw how they feel or measure how they feel. “How big are your nervous feelings?” Communicate that our feelings are visitors, they are valid, and they are useful. Discuss calming strategies to help your child anchor their anxiety.  3 In The Moment Tools For Back-To-School Anxiety 1. Focus on the return Instead of focusing on your departure, give energy to the next connection moment with your child. This helps your child relax into the transition instead of the impending doom that you will soon be separated. Trusting they will see you again, your child will feel less of the need to chase your attachment. This may sound like, “After school, I will pick you up and we will spend some time snuggling up together reading your new book!” 2. Offer brief goodbyes  A brief goodbye routine can help your child process the transition. Keep this ritual consistent each day so that, over time, they know what to expect, which helps them remain regulated and create stability around the transition from being with you to being without you. This may look like you offering a hug and saying, “I love you and I will see you soon” before leaving.  3. Give a token Another simple tool is to give a token of you to your child that they can take with them to school. This may be something they put in their pocket or a bracelet they wear or a little heart you draw on their hand. It could be a picture of your family or a little note in their lunchbox. Enroll your child and choose something meaningful together. This helps your child feel closer to you when you are not around.  If your child does become emotional around the back-to-school ritual, keep in mind that this doesn’t mean you are doing it “wrong” Remind yourself that you are a good parent and that your loving effort will help build resilience.  Your child’s tears are a way of releasing anxiety, and when they can trust you to hold space and validate their experience, to guide them through it, they build a deeper sense of connection with you, which will help them trust that bond even when you are not around. 

If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are five things you can do to help calm their anxieties. The first day of Kindergarten is a huge milestone for little kiddos (and their parents)! It’s an exciting time, but for some families, it comes with anxieties, fears, and mixed emotions. Being dropped off in a new environment filled with new people can be understandably stressful.  Signs Your Child Is Feeling Anxious Watch for these signs that your little one might be feeling anxious about the start of school: There’s an increase in meltdowns and acting out. Anxiety manifests in a lot of different ways because it’s based on a physiological response to a perceived threat. Their behavior can be misread as defiance or anger but is really an anxiety response.  They’re having difficulty falling asleep. As the first day approaches, you might find that your child is having trouble falling asleep. They may be needing you more often or for longer periods at night.  Expressing fear or worry about school. Parents are often quick to minimize a child’s fears when they verbally express them, saying things like “It’ll be fun!,” “You’ll make friends quick!” and “There’s nothing to be nervous about!” It’s important to validate and empathize with your child’s feelings. New onset of stomach aches or headaches. These physical symptoms could mean that your child is struggling with anxiety and may need to see a healthcare professional.  Your own fear and anxiety about your child starting school may affect them as well. Children are very perceptive about their parents’ emotions, and if they see that you’re anxious, they may become anxious too. Be confident and positive without overhyping it.  5 Ways to Calm Your Child's Fears If you notice that your child is having some fear and worry about the first day of Kindergarten, there are a few things you can do to help calm their anxieties.  1. Get acquainted.  Ask about orientation. If your child’s school offers it, take advantage of the opportunity for you and your child to meet teachers and classmates. If no orientation is offered, it’s a good idea to arrange a tour of a school and a meeting with your child’s teacher before the big day. Help the teacher get to know your child better by preparing a one-page cheat sheet about them, including their name and nickname, photo, medical conditions, likes and dislikes, interests and talents, etc. This will also give the teacher a few conversation starters for building a relationship. If you can arrange for your child to get acquainted with the teacher as well, that’s even better! Forming a relationship with the teacher before school starts will make the separation from you a bit easier. Furthermore, do a little networking with other parents and see if you can set up a playdate with another child in their class. Seeing that familiar face in class will be a comfort and help to ease your child’s nerves. 2. Keep it positive.  When you talk to your child about the upcoming school year and her transition to Kindergarten, remain optimistic and positive. Do not overhype the milestone. Making too big a deal of it may create an uptick in your child’s anxious feelings. As mentioned, validate your child’s emotions and empathize while keeping a general sense of optimism and showing confidence in your little one. 3. Find an anchor.  Some children can skip off to the classroom without so much as a backward glance, but many children experience separation anxiety. For those children, it’s helpful to find an anchor – something that helps them feel close to you while they’re away. A little piece of home away from home. It could be something as simple as a matching necklace, a photo of you, or a note in the lunchbox. An anchor is like a security blanket that your child can take with her every day. 4. Play and practice.  During that meeting with your child’s teacher before school starts, get a good sense of what a typical day will look like and what your child will be doing in the first few weeks of school, and then begin practicing those things over the summer with your child. Doing so will help familiarize your child with the routine and structure of school.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns Use role play to show her how to introduce herself to others, how to ask to join a group or game, using words to express feelings and wants, and appropriate solutions to conflict. The more you practice, the more confident your child will feel and the better those skills will develop! This will make the transition easier.  In addition to practicing things like standing in line, sitting still, following directions, etc., it’s a good idea to start practicing social-emotional skills as well. Use the Time-In ToolKit to teach about emotions. The Time-In ToolKit® playfully teaches kids 2-9+ how to navigate big emotions through social-emotional skill-building games.   5. Be their safe place.  It may only take your child a few days to adjust to Kindergarten life, or it could take weeks or even months. Every child is different and their experience will be unique. It is unhelpful to compare them to other children in the classroom who seem to be handling it much better. Rest assured that this is a temporary phase, and with the right support, your child will be able to overcome those fears.  Last year, I sent my firstborn off to his first day of high school. HIGH SCHOOL! And it feels like yesterday was his first day at Kindergarten. So if I may be so predictable, it does go by quickly, and before you can blink twice, that Kindergartener will be wanting a driver’s license. Good luck to you all!

Children bring so many different emotions to the first week of school: excitement and anticipation, fear and wonder. The change may lead to increased meltdowns and/or regressions. Make the transition less overwhelming with these 5 tools.