Mindful Moments Blog

Crying ruffles us. Hearing a baby cry activates a physiological response that cannot be controlled. MRIs taken of a mother's brain when she hears her baby's cries show that the brain lights up in response within a second. Those areas that light up are associated with empathy, compassion, and notably alarm. But what effect does a baby crying have on their mother? Science tells us that oxytocin plays a major role in our mothering. Oxytocin is a nano peptide hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland. It is often referred to as the "love hormone" or "cuddle hormone" because it is released when individuals cuddle up or bond socially. It is released in large quantities during labor as it is associated with uterine contraction. It is also released during breastfeeding and when you cuddle your baby. As you might imagine, mothers produce a lot of oxytocin, and research has shown that oxytocin makes us more sensitive to our baby's cries.  The response time to a crying baby is almost twice as fast as most other sounds. Because the instinct is so strong to respond, when a mother cannot reach her baby and calm the crying in a matter of seconds, she may begin to feel frustration and even anger. This is why hearing children cry on a plane or in restaurants is so triggering. When we hear it and cannot respond, there is a physiological response.  However, when we are able to calm and comfort the baby, our own reward and pleasure areas light up. Our brain physically rewards the act of comforting and caring for a child. Pretty cool design, huh?  And it doesn't even have to be your baby. Hearing any baby cry will make your brain look like Christmas. It seems we are hardwired from birth for this to be a trigger meant to make us act quickly, and it's very effective in its design. When Parenting Advice Goes Against Instinct Have you ever been advised to let your child cry? I think most of us have. Whether it's to "sleep train" or to "ignore a tantrum" so as not to "reinforce bad behavior," I believe most of us are told to do this at some point in our parenting journeys, and many of us do.  My boys were terrible sleepers. Desperate from sleep deprivation, I tried a modified version where I inched my chair away from the toddler bed ever so slowly. When I finally made it out of the room, I would wait for just a couple of minutes before answering their disgruntled protests, which didn't even escalate into cries because I couldn't stand to ignore my instinct. However, in that state of being so physically and mentally exhausted, I was tempted to let them cry. I could see why mothers would, and my logical brain tried to talk me into what the heart knew I couldn't do.In the end, I never did any kind of cry-it-out or controlled crying, but I certainly have compassion for mothers who did. And while I don't condone it, I can understand it. The point is, though, that it is very difficult for the mother to ignore that strong instinct to move. Every cell in her screams to respond, and panic lights up in her brain. I won't even get into how it affects the baby's brain. A quick Google search will offer you a rabbit hole to go down for days, and you can draw your own conclusions.  The suggestions to let my kids cry never really ended. I was told to ignore them when they had a tantrum. I was warned to not comfort boys too much because they needed to be "tough." I was told not to reinforce the behavior of the "drama king or queen" teen who is crying "over nothing."  All throughout parenthood, I've been advised to ignore the physiological response within me triggering me to act. Time and again, I have ignored that advice. Crying is Communication To me, crying has always been communication. And I always attempt to listen. And while the whining of a toddler or teenager may be grating on the nerves, it is a desperate attempt at communicating what's going on internally for them. SnuggleBuddies® Teach Babies and Tots About Emotions Unfortunately, we get caught up in thinking that there are only two alternatives - giving in or ignoring, but there is a third option - holding boundaries with empathy. While we have been led to believe that a toddler is crying to manipulate you, we now know that it is really just an offload of an overwhelmed nervous system.  Comforting him won't make him want to have more meltdowns because meltdowns don't feel good for anyone. Ignoring only alarms the brain more. Loving arms and a listening ear will make their world right again.  If a preschooler is demanding a cookie for breakfast and your denial of that cookie causes tears, you don't have to give the cookie or ignore the cries. The "boundaries with empathy" option allows you to say, "I see that you are upset about the cookie.  That is not a healthy breakfast and I want you to be healthy because I love you very much." She wants her feelings to be validated more than she really wants the cookie.  The same holds true for the pouty pre-teen who is upset you won't buy him a new video game or the teenager who doesn't get to go to that party. Shutting down their tears and whining doesn't resolve their feelings, but instead causes alarm and resentment, but listening, validating, and comforting when they will allow it shows that, while they may not get their way, you are always on their side.  FAQ Why Do Babies Calm Down with Mom? From the moment a baby is born, they recognize their mother's scent, voice, and touch. This recognition is rooted in the nine months they spent in the womb, surrounded by the rhythmic sound of her heartbeat and the muffled tone of her voice. The maternal figure often becomes a source of comfort and security for a newborn. Babies have an inherent instinct to seek out their primary caregiver – often the mother – when they're upset or in distress. This is because a mother's touch, voice, and even her presence can release calming hormones in the baby, making them feel safe and understood. Why Does My Baby Cry with Me but No One Else? It might seem puzzling and even disheartening when a baby cries with their primary caregiver but seems perfectly content with others. However, there are several reasons behind this behavior. Firstly, babies often reserve their most intense feelings – both positive and negative – for those they are closest to. With a primary caregiver, a baby feels secure enough to express their genuine feelings without the fear of abandonment. Additionally, babies can pick up on their caregivers' stress or anxiety. If a parent is anxious or stressed, a baby might respond by becoming fussy or crying. Lastly, babies have different expectations from their primary caregiver compared to others. They might cry to communicate a need or desire, knowing that their primary caregiver understands them best. About the Author Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of 2 boys. 

When your kids are not listening it can feel like your only tool is to yell. Here are some tips on how to shift from yelling to connection during times of misbehavior.

As well-meaning parents, we second-guess ourselves instead of trusting our inner wisdom. We often feel the pressure to raise a “good” kid and be a “good” parent, and thus fall into the trap of conventional parenting. Here's how to escape the cycle. 

Show up both firm and kind Each unique parent has a one-of-a-kind child and this makes universal parenting advice tricky, if not impossible. However, when I talk to parents about their struggles, the same few things come up again and again. It’s clear that, while we all have our own special journeys, there are some common threads here. When it comes to parenting little ones, three things keep popping up - meltdowns, not listening, and talking back.  Meltdowns It is our perception that meltdowns are naughty, bratty, or manipulative behavior that triggers us. The truth is that, for young children, a meltdown is the result of an overwhelmed nervous system. It’s a way for the body and brain to offload emotions that became too difficult to handle. If we can change our perception of meltdowns from defiance to a call for help, we can approach this behavior in a way that is both helpful to the child and strengthens the parent-child relationship. This is where child development comes in. A little research uncovers that children have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates emotion and social behavior. What happens is that your child feels a strong emotion, such as frustration or anger or sadness, and, not knowing what to do with this strong emotion, her brain goes into panic mode known as fight, flight, or freeze. We've all had this happen. It is a physiological response that they have no control over in the moment.  Conventional parenting advice says to ignore the child during a meltdown. This is a sad tragedy. It sends the message that we aren't there for them when they're upset, or worse, that we only accept them and want them around when they show the feelings we like. No one wants to be ignored when they feel distressed. Humans are social beings wired to connect, so ignoring only alarms the brain more. Hold her in your arms while she offloads all those unpleasant emotions. If you're worried this will "reward" the meltdown, think about a time you were extremely upset and a partner or friend empathized with your upset or held you while you cried. Did it make you want to feel upset again? Of course not. No one likes to feel out of control. Empathizing with children during a meltdown is not rewarding behavior; it's meeting a need, the need for connection and understanding. As a bonus, when we are calm and help them to become calm during these emotional storms, they learn how to calm themselves through a process called co-regulation.  You can begin teaching your child social-emotional skills around the age of two, but this will take years to sink in as the brain develops. She may be able to use her regulation skill one day and not the next simply because of how her neurons are firing as she grows. The Time-In ToolKit has everything you need to teach your child about their emotions and calming strategies that will help her brain wire for calm and connection.  Backtalk All children will occasionally challenge their parents. This is a normal part of development. By using positive parenting and having a respectful and connected relationship with your child, you greatly reduce your chances of this turning into a chronic behavior problem. During early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to separate from their parents and assert themselves. What many parents consider as back talk is simply an expression of the child's need for autonomy. Positive parents respect this need and teach appropriate, respectful ways to communicate. Young children think in literal terms, so if you ask, "Will you put away your toys?," the child will interpret it to mean there is a choice. Instead say, "It is now time to put away your toys." If your request is met with "no" or "I don't feel like it," remember she's asserting herself and learning to voice her opinion. This doesn't mean you take no for an answer and pick up her toys for her, but it means you understand it isn't about defying you so that this doesn't trigger your frustration.  It helps to be playful with little kids. You can make a game to beat the timer for young children. For older kids, use when/then statements such as, "When your toys are picked up, then you can go outside to play." For times when your child keeps arguing with you about a limit you have set, resist bickering back and forth. You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.  Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate his feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument such as, "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this" or “I am all done talking about this right now.” It’s about validating their feelings so they feel heard and valued (loving) while still holding to your limits (firm). This, as with most things, requires the parent’s emotional regulation. Not Listening When parents say, "My child doesn't LISTEN", what they usually mean is, "My child doesn't do what I say when I say it." In my experience, children are almost always listening (try whispering something random when you think they're not). However, they may not respond, or as quickly as you may like, and that's frustrating. We want our children to cooperate without having to ask them five times, so what can we do to make that happen? Ironically, the way we usually try and gain cooperation from our children actually causes them to tune us out. Nagging, lecturing, counting, and demanding don’t foster cooperation. Punishments or the threat of punishments may compel a child to act, but that isn't real cooperation. Children have busy minds. It helps to get their attention before you ask them to do something, otherwise, it may go in one ear and out the other. Get close, make eye contact, then state your request.  Look through their eyes. Imagine you’re immersed in a task and your boss tells you to stop what you’re doing and go help a coworker. Ugh. Nobody wants to stop what they're doing to fulfill someone else’s agenda. If you can use empathy and understanding, you’re more likely to gain cooperation. “I see that you’re working hard on that Lego build, and I hate to interrupt, but I really need you to…” It’s always nice to be acknowledged.  Give choices when possible to help meet your child’s need for autonomy and use routines as much as possible so that what needs to be done daily simply becomes an ingrained habit.   Positive parenting relies heavily on connection and the parent’s own emotional regulation skills. When children feel seen and valued and trust their parents, parenting becomes easier. When parents can keep from becoming triggered by their child’s emotions, they can show up with both the kindness and firmness that is authoritative parenting. 

Calming Spaces build emotional regulation antibodies, and here's how. When our children are hungry, we offer food.  When they are tired, we offer sleep.  When they want attention, we offer connection. As a parent, these needs often make sense to us and we have some ideas of how to meet them. But here is something else to think about. A Child's Need For Emotional Regulation When children experience big, unpleasant feelings and meltdowns, there is a need there too. They have a need to release tension and regulate their bodies. We can help meet that need by being emotionally responsive adults for our children.  Children who learn that vulnerability is a superpower - to feel big feelings and let them out of their body in the presence of their adult - retain a very important truth: all emotions are safe. Not just to feel but to express.  SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns This is huge, because emotional overwhelm is alarming to children, mostly because emotions are new to them. So when parents and educators make emotions safe, children feel secure to explore and participate in relationships and the world around them.  They don’t have to carry the burden of being blocked or denied emotional experiences. They can live more fully. As researcher and author Brené Brown shares, “Our kids come into this world wired for struggle and imperfection. Our job is to let them know they are worthy of love and to be truly loved, they must feel validated and seen.”  Emotional Regulation As A Skill Not only is emotional regulation a need, but it is also a skill. Our children have highly immature brains. While they are little Einsteins at detecting perceived threats and feeling feelings, they are a novice at knowing what to do with them. It takes ritual and consistency.  Each time a child’s emotions are met with connection, they grow a pathway in their brain for emotional regulation. They essentially cultivate a toolbelt for when they feel mad, sad, or frustrated.  Additionally, each time we invite our children to borrow our nervous system and model noticing, naming, and managing our emotions, our children mimic and embody that too. We are emotional beings neurobiologically wired to connect. And so when children are offered these experiences, they not only develop mentally and physically but emotionally as well.  Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids Having a Calming Space in your home or classroom meets a child’s fundamental needs and teaches the skills of being a human who feels. The concepts around a Calming Space are connection and co-regulation.  We don’t order, command, and demand that our children go to their Calming Space to figure out their emotions in isolation. Rather, this is a place where parents, caregivers, or educators go with children to help them notice, name, and process feeling sensations.  The Time-In ToolKit posters make it easy and fun for children to identify their feelings. With your help, children begin to connect sensations to words, expanding their emotional vocabulary. For example, “When my jaw is clenched and my fists are tight, I am feeling angry.”  These associations help children then manage physically. “When I feel angry, I can __.” The ToolKit also offers a Calming Strategies poster to help children explore which calming activities feel most nourishing to them.  Practicing this in fun, playful ways during regulated moments, in a daily ritual such as pre-bedtime or during circle time in class, can help children access calming strategies during dysregulation. And as stated above, when we model using the Calming Space ourselves, children are more likely to mirror our patterns and adopt them as their own.  Calming Corner Spaces Create Life-Long Skills  Our feelings are forces. And feelings that don’t have permission to leave our body fly out as dysregulated behaviors. When we educate from fear and compliance, asking our children to suppress or deny themselves, they grow up to be adults who are developmentally in no better place to manage their emotions than they were as a child.  We want our children to connect and talk with us and we want to prepare them for life in different ways. Using a Calming Space is like a pre-regulation tool, preparing kids for different feelings. This builds emotional regulation antibodies, so to speak. It takes all of the aloneness and scariness and replaces it with safety and love. And when children feel safe, they can learn. 

Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot. As a parent, it’s nice to have a toolbelt (okay, maybe an entire toolshed) of strategies.  In my years of mommin,’ I have noticed trends - tools that seem to work well for myself and my kids so that parenting shifts from a list of things I have to do to my children (get them to listen, behave, and be respectful) to something I have with them (aka a relationship).  Sure, I need to be their sturdy leader, but it doesn’t mean I have to do it with force, and it doesn’t mean my child has to be obedient. Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot - one where I can stay true to my needs while also staying curious about my child’s … one where I can set boundaries and validate my child’s experience … one where we both win, learn, and grow.  Sounds a bit like a unicorn, doesn’t it? Even as I write it, I snort a little chuckle. Because it does sound a tad Fairy Tale-ish. But the data I have collected (better known as the life experience of being in the parenting trenches for several years) has given me strong evidence that supports just this.  So, here it is, my list of favorite parenting tools, the little black dress of tips. Read through, pull out the ones that speak to you, see if it fits your family, and if not, return it to the rack. But chances are, you’ll find something to take home.  Here we go … 1. Do A Trigger Worksheet I got this little gem from a parenting course I took when I was pregnant with my first child. I laugh now, because, at the time, I sat there rubbing my beautiful buddha belly thinking, Why would I need this? I can’t imagine EVER getting triggered by my child. Ha, jokes on me. It didn’t take me long to dust this off and give it another look.  We are mirrors. Our children take in what we reflect back to them, and they reflect back the parts of us often asking to be healed. We all have these shadowy parts of ourselves, and the things we struggle with now are often the things that we had to suppress in our youth to fit into our family system. Heavy stuff, right? But this tool - a trigger worksheet - makes it not so scary to bring those parts to the light.  When you find that there’s that thing (or several) that your child does that sparks a flame inside of you (like the I-Am-About-To-Lose-It flame, not the pretty Bath And Body Works candle one), ask yourself:  When my child does this, what thoughts do I think? I think ... What is it that I feel? I feel … What goal do I have for my child right now? My goal is that my child … Then, (brace yourself) cancel your super awesome goal, because your goal has nothing to do with you. Replace it with one that does. When my child does (XYZ), **I** will … And yes, this works with partners, co-workers, and anyone who ruffles your feathers. Not just a parenting tool but more of a doing life tool.  2. Schedule Special Time  My child feels 100% satisfied with the time and attention I give him, says no parent ever. I mean, our kids are basically bottomless pits when it comes to their desire and need for connection. This can feel tricky for parents. There is only so much time in the day, so much to do, and it can feel like Mount Everest to climb.  But here’s the thing, research has shown that just 10 minutes of Special Time in your home each day can transform (Yes, for the people in the back, I said TRANSFORM) your home. Here’s how to do it:  Create a chart Name the Chart after your child (If you have multiples, each child gets their own). This can be as simple as writing “Sofie’s Special Time” across the top and the days of the week (M-S) down the left side of the paper. Make the chart with your child, and get her amped for this new thing ya’ll are going to do.  Schedule it Every day, invite your child to pick one thing that he wants to do that is just for him. Cook together? Sure. Play Legos? Okay. Transform into Superheros or play house? Why not. Read books, go for a walk … you get the idea.  Whatever your child chooses, invite your child to set a timer for 10 minutes.  When the timer bings, you can choose to move on or to continue the activity.  After you complete the activity, place a round, colored sticker on the chart for that day of the week, and label the date and activity you did.  So, why do kids like this? Because it is concrete, measurable, tangible, predictable … all things that feel safe and good to them.  Couple of things ... 1) During these 10 minutes, follow your child’s lead, put away distractions, and really give focus to your kiddo. 2) This is not a bribe or punishment. It happens every day regardless. For older kids, you may decide once a week will suffice or one bigger outing once a month. The key is that this never becomes a carrot to dangle, but rather a safety blanket that communicates your connection.  3. Practice The Meltdown Sounds a little weird, but I swear I am not off my rocker (well, not entirely, anyway). Practice the big emotions beforehand. Let me play this out for you.  Say that the big power struggle is always during the transition off of screen time. Moving from a preferred task to a less desired one is hard for most of us, especially a developing brain. So, when that moment comes that you say, “All done. Turn off the tablet,”  their little body responds in a big way because they are being pulled in by their own emotional current. What results is a colossal meltdown.  Instead, replace all of the stress, anxiety, aloneness, and emotional shock with play and connection by practicing the meltdown ahead of time. It may look like this: “You know, I know that when I ask you to turn off the tablet, it feels hard. You really like your show, and I like that you tell me what you want. It is important to me. I also know it can feel a tad scary to feel out of control. So, let’s practice what it might feel like when it’s time to turn off the cartoons. I can go first. Why don’t you tell me to turn off my tablet.” When your child role-plays this with you, drop down into a meltdown of your own, bringing in some silliness. And then switch, inviting your child to practice her own meltdown. After this little rehearsal, go forward with your normal TV time. If your kiddos are anything like mine, when it is time to flip the off button, there are fewer tears and more laughter.  4. Affirm Your Trust This one is short and sweet but packs a powerful punch. Instead of commanding and demanding and sending messages that your child needs external force, is likely to mess up, or is incapable of doing something (all of which can be inadvertent messages of overpowering), focus on empowering him with this statement: I trust you to __. I trust you to keep the markers on the paper. I trust you to stop at the mailbox before going any further on your bike. I trust you to pick up your toys before dinner. I  trust you and your brother to work this out. I trust you to listen to your body. Try it a few times, and see what happens.  5. Take A Time-In  Creating a short, playful, daily ritual to check in with our feelings has been a parenting and marriage game changer.  Each night, before bed, we come together in our family’s Calming Corner to talk about when we felt happy, sad, calm, and mad (or any other emotion) that day.  Other times, when I can tell that the heat is rising, I throw out a random feelings check-in. Let’s pause and get back in our bodies. What is it feeling? Ready, go! Sometimes, noticing my child’s emotion helps diffuse it. It seems like something doesn’t feel good to you/didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, huh?  Another way we explore feelings is by measuring them. How big is your frustration? Is it this big? This big? … Once, when coloring, my son became upset when his blue crayon crossed over the line, and so I asked him to show me with crayons how big his feelings felt. He dropped two handfuls on the table and said, “This mad, mom.” This offered me a chance to validate his feelings and co-regulate.  While there are many more parenting tools to mention, these are 5 of my go-to's. They’re like my best girlfriends, they always have my back! 

It isn't our parenting skills that are lacking, it is our self-love and acceptance. I sat in bed barely able to look up at my husband. I was doing that ugly cry where your face can’t help but reveal your emotion.  I’ve always been transparent with my heart, yet opaque with my self-love.  And perhaps that’s because my self-compassion is often in short supply.  Any mis-step, mis-take, miss-the-mark, always seems to validate any truths I have about myself, the narrative that runs on replay most days, the one that says, “You aren’t enough.” I have never called my enoughness into question more than becoming a mother.  And there, in the middle of my bed, with the covers pulled high, I sat like my child-self used to, replaying affirmations that fed into my negative self-talk.  I was never a mother who dreamed of being a mother. I was terrified at the thought of raising small humans, losing myself, and also, maybe even most of all, of finding myself.  Now, here I was sitting where so many others have sat before me (and likely many are as I write this): living in my not-enoughness.  I have been short-tempered.  Detached.  Distracted.  The words slipped past my lips, and there was no going back. “I feel like I am a terrible mother. Like I am failing them.” My heartfelt angst. I actually believed what I was saying.  And then my husband did something unexpected. He kneeled beside me, and instead of trying to fix it or make it better, he just listened. He let me cry. He let me express my pain. He never left me.  As my tears transitioned to sniffles, I thanked my husband for his support, honestly surprised by his course of action. Emotions and communication are not always his cup of tea.  Seeing the grateful yet curious look in my eyes, he smiled and replied, “I learned from you. This is what you do for our sons every day. Maybe you can’t see it because you’re so in it, but I see it. I see your worth. You are not a perfect parent AND you are the exact mom they need. Perfect is a myth, anyway.” I realized the part I was lacking most wasn’t my mothering skills. It was my self-love, self-compassion, and self-respect that needed polishing.  I see a little girl in my reflection, the one who felt she had to carry the burden of perfection, who felt she was only worthy if she was performing at 100% at all times, and I tell her what I needed to hear all those years ago: You are worthy of giving love and being loved. Many people say that you can’t love another until you fully love all parts of yourself. I actually believe this to be false. Motherhood has taught quite the opposite.   But I do believe it is challenging to let others love you and to receive that love in its full capacity if you do not love yourself.   Somewhere along the way I learned to self-abandon who I was in order to feel loved, safe, and bonded to my parents. When we learn at a young age that our parents' love isn't reliable, we become hypervigilant to their moods and rescue them by becoming whoever they need us to be. This becomes our survival mechanism - our way to control how other people see us, and it jades the way we see ourselves. Our worth becomes less about our innate goodness and more about external measures of performance and other people's satisfaction.  Our kids are without conditions. They love with open hearts and see past our mistakes, our shortcomings, and our false narratives. They see us for who we truly are - all parts - and they choose to love us anyway. From their grace, we learn to heal and love ourselves, too.  Reparent Yourself Intergenerational healing is about progress... not perfection.  By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself and others.  If you would like guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle. Lifetime Access to 20 Interactive Courses, Guided Meditations, Healing Movement, and Other Transformative Resources. The Reparent Yourself Masterclass Bundle is available at 94% Off Savings for a limited time.

Here are common parenting phrases, what kids hear, and what we can say instead to get on the same page. You know that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Where is the parenting version of that? Because lately, I'm pretty sure my children and I are not only living on two different planets, but we are speaking two different alien languages.  Somehow, me asking my child not to jump on the couch or slap her brother or throw a block at my head translates into more jumping, slapping, and throwing.  Even my best attempts to get my child to listen turn into a battle, leaving both of us feeling out of control, frustrated, and ultimately further apart (forget different planets, more like different galaxies). It turns out that miscommunications between parents and children are not uncommon, and when we look at the science behind our children’s developing nervous system, it all makes sense. This brain science explains not only why our kids can't hear us but what we can do about it. For children to process and integrate what we are saying, we must speak in a language they can understand. Here’s what we know:  1. Children are wired to experience life and the world around them from their brainstem (reactive/defensive part of the brain) and limbic system (emotional part of the brain).  They do not yet have access to thinking, moving, and making decisions using their higher brain regions (aka the responsive/logical part of the brain responsible for most of the "executive functioning skills" we all wish our two and three-year-olds had already).  This means that anytime our children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, sensory overwhelm, or bump into an "unmet need", such as feeling hungry, tired, lonely, overpowered, or off-routine, they will resort to their more illogical and defensive "fight, flight, and freeze" mechanisms, wired to keep them safe and well-attached to us.  Just as with any other skill, the best way to build the higher brain regions is to practice them through games and time-ins where children have the chance to learn from not only their many feelings, but their thoughts, actions, and even their mistakes. 2. A child’s brain is designed to process concrete information. Using words that describe what we want our children to do (as opposed to what we don't) help children hear what we are saying and respond instead of reacting. Plus, using concrete, tangible tools that kids can touch, hold, play with, and see helps children learn from their feelings and the many little teaching moments that happen in everyday life.  3. Children do much better when things are predictable and concrete. This means when we have boundaries in place that are consistent and revealed ahead of time it incentivizes the behaviors we desire. What Parents Say And What Kids Hear Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we say to what our children hear. Let’s take a look at a few common examples: When we say ...  1. Be quiet. Kids hear/internalize: I am too much right now.  What to do instead: "Be quiet” is abstract and hard for children to process. Encourage your child to choose to be respectful with their voice rather than punishing them for doing what feels natural. Hand gesture a volume dial, model being quiet by playfully whispering, have them mirror your tone (loud then quiet), play the quiet game, and offer redirection. 2. Be careful. Kids hear/internalize: The world is scary.  What to do instead: Say what you want your child to do. “Get down… walk on the sidewalk” or ask questions like, “What do we need to do before we cross the street?” Let your children grow in their awareness of themselves and the world.  3. Hurry up. Kids hear/internalize: I need to give up my desires for yours.  What to do instead: Be clear, respectful, and firm. “We are leaving in ten minutes.” You may help your child by offering a visual schedule, announcing the transition, and/or using a timer. 4. Let me do that for you. Kids hear/internalize: I am not capable and my parents can do it better.  What to do instead: Never do for a child what they think they can do for themselves. Give your child time to learn. Offer encouragement, “I believe in you. You can do hard things.” And if you must hurry, offer something like, “How about I put on this shoe and you put on that one.” 5. Be a good boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: I am good when I do good, and I am bad when I do bad. What to do instead: Communicate to your child that who they are and what they do are two separate things. They are always a good kid, and sometimes they have a hard time. To communicate this, connect before you redirect: Meet the unmet need, validate the feeling, set boundaries, and teach new skills through co-regulation.  6. Be a big boy/girl. Kids hear/internalize: Bigger is better, so I can’t wait to be older. This incentivizes our kids to be more than they are.  What to do instead: Celebrate your child for the age they are, and the abilities they have. “Wow, you’re four. What a great age to be.” or “I see you working hard on that. Way to stick with it!” 7. Don’t jump, hit, scream … or any other verb. Kids hear/internalize: Jump, hit, scream. What to do instead: State the behaviors you do desire. “Feet on the floor … You can hit the drum … Match my voice.” 8. Don’t whine. Kids hear/internalize: I am not allowed to express myself. My wants and needs are bad or wrong.  What to do instead: Help your child find her powerful voice via play. “Where is Ella’s powerful voice? It was here just a minute ago?!” Or gesture her powerful voice by tapping your throat. Or say, “I want to help. I can’t understand what you are saying. Please use your powerful voice.” 9. Stop crying. Kids hear/internalize: It is unsafe to show emotion. What to do instead: Help your child name it to tame it and feel it to heal it. “I see you are so sad, and I am here for you.”  10. Stop being shy. Give him a hug. Kids hear/internalize: What I feel inside isn’t what is good or right or acceptable. What to do instead: Invite your child to tune in to their intuition and trust what they find. Offer support. “I see you don’t want to give hugs right now. That’s okay. Listen to your body.” 11. We don’t do that in this house. Kids hear/internalize: I did that (behavior), so I must not belong.  What to do instead: State an observation and then set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. “I see a boy who threw his dinner bowl. All done.”  12. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional. Kids hear/internalize: My feelings are wrong, not allowed, not safe.  What to do instead: Pause to notice and manage your triggers and stay curious about your child’s experience. Validate emotions, hold space, and make it safe to feel. 13. Oh come on, it's not that bad. Kids hear/internalize: What I THINK I am feeling is false. I cannot trust myself, my body, or my feelings. There must be something wrong with me. What to do instead: Remind yourself that feelings are not RIGHT or WRONG... they are data. Validate your child's emotions even if you do not like them. Get curious about your child's thoughts and possible unmet needs. 14. You make me so mad. Kids hear/internalize: I am responsible for others’ feelings.  What to do instead: State how you feel using an I statement. “I feel frustrated when I see the cat get hit because he could get hurt." If you currently use any of these, meet yourself with compassion. We are wired to say most of these phrases because it’s what was modeled for us by generations past. Being a cycle breaker takes awareness, which is exactly what this article invites. Compassionate awareness.  When our children feel safe, powerful, and connected, they have an easier time listening and cooperating with us. This is the power of taking a "connection with" rather than a "power over" approach to raising kids. Our words can either nurture, support and guide our kids ---- or they can become their inner critic. I choose connection.

We are living in busy days where heart-to-heart connection is suffering. Here are 4 loving rituals to enhance connection with your children. 

This mom couldn't understand why she was so triggered by her sons' sibling rivalry. But following the thread, she found her pain point. It had less to do with her sons' behavior and more to do with her own pain - the pain of losing her brother years ago.

Shame eats away at a child’s core emotional need to feel loved and connected, leaving them feeling small, unworthy, flawed, and unacceptable. As we learn to heal our shame wounds, we give our children chances for a healthy and happy emotional life. Here are 3 shame-free discipline tactics. 

Sometimes parents say that positive parenting “isn’t working” for them, and when that is the case, it’s important to explore why before giving up. Here are some reasons why and 5 things to do when you feel like positive parenting isn't working for your family. 

Often in the world of respectful parenting, there is this idea that parenting with intention means always being calm and happy with our kids. This is a fallacy. Here's why, and what to do instead. 

"Before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my mancave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed." By Brandon Janous It happened at dinner the other night. Not the actual “it” but a conversation about “it.” My 10-year-old daughter: “Daddy, did you know that a girl in my class already started her period?" Me: (After nearly spitting my wine all over the dinner table) “No, sweetie, I didn’t know this. No one told me that a girl in your class had started her period. How do you feel about this?” Daughter: “Well, I don’t think I really want to talk to you about it because you’re not a girl, and this is girl stuff.” Me: “Right, I totally understand, sweetie, but if you do, I can handle it because, well, I know some girls, and I know that every girl goes through this.” Daughter: “I understand, daddy. Maybe one day. But not today.” She then proceeded to spend the next 47 minutes talking about it. She told me that she was a little scared but also a lot prepared. She encouraged her little sister that it will be ok and that she has pads under her bed and in her backpack and that she will help her with it all when her time comes. She also let her little brother know that he’s lucky that he’s a boy and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything except hair growing in weird places and stinky armpits. Needless to say, the other night at dinner, we had “the talk.” She doesn’t think we did because “this is girl stuff.”  But we for sure had “the talk.” I don’t know that I did it right or that I said all the right things. And to be honest, for the most part, I just listened. But the important part is that for 47 minutes, she talked.  I’m certain that this won’t be the last time she’s not ready to talk to me about something. And I realize that I’m not nearly as equipped as her mommy would have been for these types of conversations. It’s no secret that mommies are superheroes. They are just built differently and can handle anything that is thrown their way. And I’m not just talking about girl stuff; I’m talking about all stuff. I think it’s fair to say that God spent a little more time when he made mommies. They sacrifice their bodies, their sleep, their social life, eating hot meals, peeing alone, their memory, their energy, and so many other things the moment their child is born. God didn’t make daddies that way. Sometimes I wonder if He took a shortcut when He made us. Maybe it’s different for some dads, but for me, it’s just not innate or in my nature to give up sleep, eat cold meals, pee with little ones accompanying me, have hard talks, and all the other things that mommies do so well. It’s work. It’s hard. And often, it’s just super uncomfortable. But over these last few years, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s in the super uncomfortable where the good stuff happens. I’m not sure if it’s statistically proven, but it seems to me that girls are wired to talk. Maybe it’s just my girls. Maybe you don’t see that with yours. But mine can talk. And I think it’s safe to say that if I’m not there to listen, someone else will fill that space. That scares me to death, and I’m certainly not ready to allow someone else to take that role from me. There is, hands down, no other man in our daughters’ life that wields as much influence as we do. From a toddler to a teenager, we are the most powerful person in the world in her eyes. And as long as she’ll allow me to be that person, I’m going to do everything in my power to be just that. As dads, we have the option to either live with the regret of conversations not had and the times we didn’t show up, or we can choose to be a constant, maybe even annoying presence in their lives, and not just in the easy and good times, but in the awkward and hard ones too. To be honest, before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my man cave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. It would have been so much easier just to let my daughter and her mommy figure this stuff out. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed. It would have been easy to run as fast and far away as I could. But it was awesome staying close, being present, and simply having a talk that she didn’t even know we had. It seems like overnight, the piggybanks and pigtails have begun to fade away. My little girl isn’t so little anymore. She doesn’t hop up on my lap like she once did. She doesn’t need me to read her a bedtime story anymore. The hugs don’t last quite as long as they used to. And I understand that one day there will probably be a man that will enter her life and become more important to her than I am. A person that she will share all the hard stuff with. A person that will inevitably take my place. Today isn’t that day. And for now, I get to be that person. And what I notice, now more than ever, is that she still wants to know that I’m there. Whether it’s while we watch a movie, take a quick trip to the grocery store, or even during our bedtime routine. I’ll catch her glancing over at me, just to make sure I’m there. She’s not looking for words; she’s just looking for me. Because “me” is enough.

Dinner time can be used for more than eating a good meal and catching up with family. By Sara Carter Dinner time can be used for more than eating a good meal and catching up with family. The kitchen has endless educational opportunities for your kids. From your littlest ones up to your teenagers, the kitchen can double as a classroom to teach them lessons that will be valuable throughout their lives.  Whether it’s helping with meal preparation or assisting with the grocery list, cooking can be a fun family activity. Not to mention, with kids going back to school, small tasks can be great opportunities to incorporate a bit of homework and practice counting, spelling, writing, and more. All of these tactics not only educate your family but can help with building meaningful relationships with your children. Follow along for more ways to educate your children in the kitchen. Allow Them to Help with Preparation In the long run, involving kids in mealtime preparation will set them up for success in adulthood. Now that’s not saying your toddler has been put to work, but there are many ways of getting everyone involved.  Kids under the age of ten can help pull ingredients out from the cupboards (depending on height) or the refrigerator. If they’re of the reading age, give them a chance to look at your recipe and practice reading and sound things out loud. Aside from gathering ingredients, younger helpers can also assist with setting the table. As they’ll need to get out the proper number of place settings, this is another chance for your kids to practice counting with you. Both offer a fun way to get kids to practice their phonics and math skills outside of their homework.  Older kids can help with chopping ingredients or measuring items. This offers a way for them to practice assembling a dish from start to finish while also using organizational skills to follow the recipe. If you have a particularly stubborn helper who puts off their school work, you can use cooking time to quiz them on spelling and math as you go. For instance, if you have to cut a recipe in half, let them do the subtraction for the ingredients list.  Depending on their household chores, you can make meal preparation part of your kid’s weekly schedule. There are a number of other chores in the kitchen that your kids can contribute to as part of their weekly responsibilities, too. With school and extracurricular activities coming back in session, things can quickly get hectic. Setting a regular schedule of chores allows you to plan ahead of time and bonding time is not sacrificed amongst your busy schedule.    Work Together on a Grocery List Giving kids the freedom to make their own choices can help empower and instill responsibility in them. Building a weekly grocery list does both of these things and is also full of other educational opportunities. For teens, it gives them a chance to talk about finances and educate them on a budget. This may be especially helpful for teens getting their first jobs or heading off to college in the next few years. Little kids can join in on the finance fun, too. Invite them to find coupons in weekly ads or talk about what snacks they may want to enjoy that week.  Bringing your kids along to the grocery store is also a great way to get the kids involved. As you walk through the grocery store, encourage your kids to help find items on your list, either by spelling things out or going through the store in a particular order. You can also talk to your kids about bulk prices and compare brand names versus store-specific items for cost savings. If a specific product isn’t available, work together with your child to find an alternative or substitution. With the supply chain being wonky recently, this is an easy lesson to execute with empty shelves. Talk About Alternatives If your schedule gets choked with practices, concerts, games, and other extracurricular activities during the school year, you may find that you eat out more than at home. Still, this doesn’t eliminate all chances to teach your kids food-related skills. Much like the grocery store, do a price comparison with them or break down what the meal costs each individual. Maybe your family has a favorite dish at a restaurant. Try to find a copycat recipe so you can teach them how to make it at home. Food delivery is definitely on the uptick for busy families. From grocery delivery from stores like Walmart to food delivery from Grubhub, many options are available to use with your family. Before clicking “place your order” you can take a moment to teach your family some lessons. Price comparison is a big opportunity here as you can show them differently priced items side by side in your online shopping cart. Another lesson you can impart to your children is thanking workers by tipping delivery drivers. Tipping drivers is a great way to teach kids of all ages how to show appreciation towards others and how to pay someone for their services.  Family mealtime is full of educational opportunities for your children. From financial lessons to working through a recipe, there are many ways to involve your kids while cooking in the kitchen. Remember to assign age-appropriate tasks, and plan things ahead of time, so you’re not overwhelmed on a busy night. But at the end of the day, this is a chance to bond with your family.  ** Sara Carter is a co-founder of Enlightened Digital. She enjoys spending her days writing about technology and business, writing code, or chasing her kids and dog.

Being a social worker has always had some ambiguity on how a day will unfold. Some days I breeze through the hall watching laughing children congregating near their lockers, and other days there is a crisis in a student’s home resulting in tears. But 2020 is a different kind of year.

If we want our children to exercise the compassionate parts of themselves, it is important that we expose them to these 3 components of their experience. By Viki de Lieme We passed three kindergarten facilities on our way to school, and this morning there were noisy construction sounds coming from one of them. Ilay, my six-year-old, who was never a fan of loud noises, said he hated the drilling.  "I don't like the noise, either," I said to him. "Can you see why they are drilling?"   He stopped, looked inside, and said, "Looks like they are fixing something and replacing some stuff."  I then asked him what this meant for the kids in that kindergarten, and he replied that the kids would have a nicer kindergarten. And I then asked, "Do you still hate the noise?"   He said, "No."  The Automatic Reaction Looking at the world, we see what our eyes show us, and what we take from it is what our brain already knows. Ilay heard the noise and his brain said, "I don't like noise!" and that's what he took from the situation, but that's pretty narrow and limited, isn't it?  One of our most prominent roles as parents is to teach our children to think, examine, analyze, and eventually, live beyond the automatic reaction. To do that, we need to expose them to the components of their experience.  The Three Layers of Experience  No matter which experience we choose to look at, we can always break it into three layers: external, internal, and systemic. Teaching our children to do the same is KEY to compassion, analytical thinking, care, and a plethora of other traits.  Let's take this morning, for example. External is what actually happened (drilling at the facility). Internal is how Ilay's brain reacted to the happening (I don't like noise!). Finally, systemic is the bigger picture, which allows us to influence and adapt the internal.  Parents Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction To instill skills and values in our children, we must first embody them. From my experience as a parent and parent educator, I know firsthand how hard it is to part from the automatic reaction. But while indeed hard, this is the first step to a life of compassion and calm.  When we break things down into their components and bravely see the bigger picture, our feelings change. When our feelings change, so do reactions.  Say your child melts down at the store (external). Your internal screams, "Why does this have to happen every single time?" Feelings of anger, impatience, frustration, and confusion arise, and your reaction follows. But if you added the systemic and said to yourself, "He's crying for his lost autonomy," for example, you'd feel compassion and empathy towards your little one, and your reaction would follow.  Children Living Beyond the Automatic Reaction Teaching children the three layers of experience allows us to bring peace into every situation because anger, frustration, and other unpleasant feelings disappear miraculously when our eyes are open to the systemic layer. Say your younger child snatches the older one's toy, and the older one automatically gets upset. If we stick to the automated, a fight will follow. But what if we help the older one break it down? Mom: What happened? (external)  Child: He took my toy!  Mom: And what does it mean to you? (internal) Child: He always does it!  Mom: Why do you think he did it? (systemic)  Child: Because he wants to play. The feelings generated by "he always does it" are those of resentment and anger, while those generated by "he wants to play" are those of connection and understanding.  Goodbye Automatic Reactions  One of the activities we often practice during dinner is taking guesses. We analyze each other's behavior and guess WHY they did what they did. Not only does this teach kids how to analyze behaviors and open their hearts to those around them, but it also opens an incredible door into your child's soul.  Sometimes, taking the wrong guess serves you because your little one will immediately give you the answer that's right for them.  The Giraffe and the Tiger  A few weeks ago, when Jon returned from a work trip abroad, he brought back two plushies - a giraffe and a tiger, both super sweet. Ilay immediately chose the tiger and handed the giraffe to Lia. They were both happy at first. A few days later, Ilay started developing a desire for the giraffe. He tried to convince Lia to switch, and she wouldn't. He got upset, closed the door behind him, and cried for a long time.  After a while, Lia went to him and gave him the giraffe. "Present," she said. Then again, for a short little bit, they were both happy. But sure enough, at bedtime, Lia wanted the giraffe. At two years old, the word "present" is not as eternal as it is at six. Ilay got upset, again, this time with Lia.  "What happened"? I asked, aiming for the external.  "Lia took the giraffe back!"  "You're feeling sad because the giraffe is not yours?" I continued, trying to guess the internal.   "No, because she lied to me!"  Equipped with this knowledge, I could then use the systemic to influence the internal.  "You know you'd never take back something you gifted, and you're upset that Lia did. I get it. Why do you think she did it in the first place"?  "Because I was crying, and she wanted to make me happy," he said, looking at Lia again but this time with a soft gaze.  "Yea, I think so, too. And do you think that she understands the word "present" as you do?"  "No," he said and cuddled his tiger.  It's about the Need, Not the Want Ilay didn't eventually get what he wanted, but he fell asleep with a better understanding of himself and a deeper understanding of Lia. He could appreciate what she did for him in a moment of distress, and he understood why she took it back. And understanding is what one needs to open the door to empathy.  

In different ways, we will have conversations with our children about the tragedy that took place and find the resources we need to protect, heal, and grow. We will do our best to prepare them, to arm our babies with love and knowledge and safety. Here are some tips on having these and conversations and resources to support and educate ourselves and our kids. 

In all of our loving intent, we sometimes commit parenting DUI's, which can send our children into a protective response. Here are 3 ways to break the cycle, not only for your child but for your inner child, too.

Is it just me or does something happen to our children when they turn three, four and five? Like all of the sudden emotions are more potent and behaviors are more exasperating. Here's why, plus 4 tips to help your child's nervous system regulate amidst all of these changes.