Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
Post-Pandemic Schools Need More Than Academics
by Traci Esposito
Post-pandemic children have a lot to adjust to. And there is no cookie-cutter response because the mental health of our children is not one-dimensional. There is a spectrum of feelings and emotional stress taking a seat in the classroom this year. Here are some tools for nurturing social-emotional learning (SEL).
Mindful Moments Blog
I'm Too Stressed To Handle My Child's Meltdowns
by Suzanne Tucker
My own emotional capacity is on E, and it makes it super hard to be emotionally available for my child during his big emotions. What do I do?
Mindful Moments Blog
10 Ways To Get Your Kids Talking About Their Feelings
by Ashley Patek
It can be hard to connect when our children are reluctant to share. Here are some tips to help your children want to talk.
Mindful Moments Blog
When Your Child's Meltdowns Are Too Much To Handle
by Ashley Patek
Sometimes we are running on empty ourselves, and we don’t have the emotional capacity to be with our child’s big emotions. Here are some preventative measures and timely rescues.
I’ve read all the things … heard all the parenting tools, and I am on board.
I am the parent who wants to connect with my child before I redirect him.
I want to avoid yelling, lecturing, and punishment tactics.
I want to empower. Stay curious. Teach and guide.
It totally makes sense to me.
But here’s the thing. Knowing what to do and actually having the capacity to do it are two separate things. Despite my best intentions, I can’t ignore the loudness of my own life.
I feel stressed.
Over my head.
Out of my league.
My own emotional capacity is on E, and it makes it super hard to be emotionally available for my child during his big emotions.
When my three and five-year-olds have age-appropriate meltdowns, I feel the weight of all the shoulds in those moments. I should be able to be calm. I shouldn’t be so triggered. I should be able to help my child when they are struggling. I should be better at this.
Enter parent guilt, stage left.
If you have made it this far, chances are, you have been here too. Turns out parenting stress is a real thing … like really. Psychologists refer to “parenting stress” as the distress we experience when we feel we can’t cope as a parent. The demands are too high and we don’t have the physical and/or emotional resources to meet them.
Preventative Rescues
There are about a zillion things that can contribute to parenting stress, unique to each family system and individual. But the million-dollar question is: What do you do when your emotional capacity to cope with your child’s big emotions is MIA?
1. Celebrate
Sounds a little weird, right? But really, celebrate. Give yourself a pat on the back, a big ol’ hug, or at least a break (aka some self-compassion). Your awareness is powerful and is the first step to being available to both you and your children.
2. Do A Brain Dump
On a piece of paper, write down everything that stresses you out. This can be done in one sitting or over the course of days. The act of creating the list itself isn’t supposed to be stressful.
Once your list is complete, go through the list and circle anything you can control, and cross out anything that you can’t. This exercise helps us recognize where we may be giving our energy away and helps us focus on what we can control, which is empowering.
Lastly, pick one thing from your list, the low-hanging fruit, and start there. How can you ease the stress of this particular thing? Can you delegate or ask for help? Does it require you to say no to something to prevent overscheduling your time and emotions? Can you break it down into smaller, more digestible parts?
3. Shift Your Self-Talk
When you feel comfortable with the previous step, begin with small, sustainable mindset changes. This may include:
Create a “to feel” list instead of a “to do” list, which focuses on how you want to feel in a particular day as opposed to all of the things you have to do in a day. When we decide how we want to feel, we can strive to do (and think) things that help us live into the desired emotional state.
Create a mantra and/or post affirmations on sticky notes, your mirror, or wherever you can see them often. In setting these intentions, it shifts the circuits of your brain and, after time, new pathways of destressing are made. You may choose to say things like:
“I am worthy and enough.”
“I choose calm.”
“This is temporary and I can get through it.”
“I will listen to what my body needs today.”
4. Develop Rituals
Rituals are predictable and predictability communicates safety to our body, which helps us move from our stressed-out reactive brain to our higher brain regions wired for regulation. Some ideas include:
Practice breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth, watching your belly move up and down like waves of the ocean
Move your body via walking, stretching, or exercising
Sip hot tea or a cup of joe before the kids wake up
Take a hot bath after they go to bed
Whatever ritual you decide, choose something small - just for you - that you can add to your day (not on to it). So maybe when you wake, you plant your feet on the ground, stretch your arms up, and set an intention for the day. Or maybe you take a few seconds for your ritual every time you go pee. Or maybe you set a timer to remind yourself throughout the day to pause and notice: “What do I need right now?” This is a great way to start small self-care practices.
Another great ritual is one to do with your child. Take five minutes in the morning or before bed for a feelings check-in. How do I feel right now? When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today? This ritual helps you connect with your child, be emotionally available for them, and can be a release for you too.
I know this all sounds like a lot of preventative work, and it is. In doing these things, we can build our emotional capacity for when our kiddos are escalating.
Timely Rescues
Now, let’s say you have been incorporating some of the preventative tools yet you’re also fuzzy on what to do in the moment of your child’s escalation.
The first thing is to start right where you are. Ask yourself, “How much can I give of myself right now? How am I feeling?” Sometimes just the pause and art of noticing helps us regulate, and sometimes it helps even our children.
When it feels too much to validate your child, set a boundary, and use some of the other parenting tools for de-escalation, start with just one tool - the tool and power of your actions. What can you do in this moment to de-escalate yourself?
Deep breathing or bumblebee breathing (which is good for blocking out stimuli and connecting with your body)
Tapping under your collar bones (which balances your own nervous system)
Touching your thumb to each finger and saying, “Peace lives in me”
Getting outside with your child
Just modeling self-regulation is super powerful even if the other stuff feels too much. And then, maybe later, sometime when you do feel like it’s available for you emotionally and physically, have a conversation with your child. It may sound something like this: “Do you know how you sometimes have big emotions? Well, guess what, adults do too. And sometimes I am really working hard on mine. It’s kind of cool that we’re both going through this together. We are a team. I’m always here for you. I love you. And whatever comes, we will get through it together.”
Who knows, maybe you and your child can come up with emotional calming strategies and solutions to high-stress moments together. Because we aren’t alone in this. Neither are our children. It is a relationship. I see my child, and they see me. I do for them, and guess, what, they mirror it right back.
Mindful Moments Blog
Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids
by Ashley Patek
Calming Spaces build emotional regulation antibodies, and here's how.
When our children are hungry, we offer food.
When they are tired, we offer sleep.
When they want attention, we offer connection.
As a parent, these needs often make sense to us and we have some ideas of how to meet them. But here is something else to think about.
A Child's Need For Emotional Regulation
When children experience big, unpleasant feelings and meltdowns, there is a need there too. They have a need to release tension and regulate their bodies. We can help meet that need by being emotionally responsive adults for our children.
Children who learn that vulnerability is a superpower - to feel big feelings and let them out of their body in the presence of their adult - retain a very important truth: all emotions are safe. Not just to feel but to express.
SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns
This is huge, because emotional overwhelm is alarming to children, mostly because emotions are new to them. So when parents and educators make emotions safe, children feel secure to explore and participate in relationships and the world around them.
They don’t have to carry the burden of being blocked or denied emotional experiences. They can live more fully. As researcher and author Brené Brown shares, “Our kids come into this world wired for struggle and imperfection. Our job is to let them know they are worthy of love and to be truly loved, they must feel validated and seen.”
Emotional Regulation As A Skill
Not only is emotional regulation a need, but it is also a skill. Our children have highly immature brains. While they are little Einsteins at detecting perceived threats and feeling feelings, they are a novice at knowing what to do with them. It takes ritual and consistency.
Each time a child’s emotions are met with connection, they grow a pathway in their brain for emotional regulation. They essentially cultivate a toolbelt for when they feel mad, sad, or frustrated.
Additionally, each time we invite our children to borrow our nervous system and model noticing, naming, and managing our emotions, our children mimic and embody that too. We are emotional beings neurobiologically wired to connect. And so when children are offered these experiences, they not only develop mentally and physically but emotionally as well.
Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids
Having a Calming Space in your home or classroom meets a child’s fundamental needs and teaches the skills of being a human who feels. The concepts around a Calming Space are connection and co-regulation.
We don’t order, command, and demand that our children go to their Calming Space to figure out their emotions in isolation. Rather, this is a place where parents, caregivers, or educators go with children to help them notice, name, and process feeling sensations.
The Time-In ToolKit posters make it easy and fun for children to identify their feelings. With your help, children begin to connect sensations to words, expanding their emotional vocabulary. For example, “When my jaw is clenched and my fists are tight, I am feeling angry.”
These associations help children then manage physically. “When I feel angry, I can __.” The ToolKit also offers a Calming Strategies poster to help children explore which calming activities feel most nourishing to them.
Practicing this in fun, playful ways during regulated moments, in a daily ritual such as pre-bedtime or during circle time in class, can help children access calming strategies during dysregulation. And as stated above, when we model using the Calming Space ourselves, children are more likely to mirror our patterns and adopt them as their own.
Calming Corner Spaces Create Life-Long Skills
Our feelings are forces. And feelings that don’t have permission to leave our body fly out as dysregulated behaviors. When we educate from fear and compliance, asking our children to suppress or deny themselves, they grow up to be adults who are developmentally in no better place to manage their emotions than they were as a child.
We want our children to connect and talk with us and we want to prepare them for life in different ways. Using a Calming Space is like a pre-regulation tool, preparing kids for different feelings. This builds emotional regulation antibodies, so to speak. It takes all of the aloneness and scariness and replaces it with safety and love. And when children feel safe, they can learn.
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Simple Tools To Create A Meaningful Relationship With Your Child
by Ashley Patek
Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot.
As a parent, it’s nice to have a toolbelt (okay, maybe an entire toolshed) of strategies.
In my years of mommin,’ I have noticed trends - tools that seem to work well for myself and my kids so that parenting shifts from a list of things I have to do to my children (get them to listen, behave, and be respectful) to something I have with them (aka a relationship).
Sure, I need to be their sturdy leader, but it doesn’t mean I have to do it with force, and it doesn’t mean my child has to be obedient. Somewhere in between all of that power trip stuff and permissivity is the sweet spot - one where I can stay true to my needs while also staying curious about my child’s … one where I can set boundaries and validate my child’s experience … one where we both win, learn, and grow.
Sounds a bit like a unicorn, doesn’t it? Even as I write it, I snort a little chuckle. Because it does sound a tad Fairy Tale-ish. But the data I have collected (better known as the life experience of being in the parenting trenches for several years) has given me strong evidence that supports just this.
So, here it is, my list of favorite parenting tools, the little black dress of tips. Read through, pull out the ones that speak to you, see if it fits your family, and if not, return it to the rack. But chances are, you’ll find something to take home.
Here we go …
1. Do A Trigger Worksheet
I got this little gem from a parenting course I took when I was pregnant with my first child. I laugh now, because, at the time, I sat there rubbing my beautiful buddha belly thinking, Why would I need this? I can’t imagine EVER getting triggered by my child. Ha, jokes on me. It didn’t take me long to dust this off and give it another look.
We are mirrors. Our children take in what we reflect back to them, and they reflect back the parts of us often asking to be healed. We all have these shadowy parts of ourselves, and the things we struggle with now are often the things that we had to suppress in our youth to fit into our family system. Heavy stuff, right? But this tool - a trigger worksheet - makes it not so scary to bring those parts to the light.
When you find that there’s that thing (or several) that your child does that sparks a flame inside of you (like the I-Am-About-To-Lose-It flame, not the pretty Bath And Body Works candle one), ask yourself:
When my child does this, what thoughts do I think? I think ...
What is it that I feel? I feel …
What goal do I have for my child right now? My goal is that my child …
Then, (brace yourself) cancel your super awesome goal, because your goal has nothing to do with you. Replace it with one that does. When my child does (XYZ), **I** will …
And yes, this works with partners, co-workers, and anyone who ruffles your feathers. Not just a parenting tool but more of a doing life tool.
2. Schedule Special Time
My child feels 100% satisfied with the time and attention I give him, says no parent ever. I mean, our kids are basically bottomless pits when it comes to their desire and need for connection. This can feel tricky for parents. There is only so much time in the day, so much to do, and it can feel like Mount Everest to climb.
But here’s the thing, research has shown that just 10 minutes of Special Time in your home each day can transform (Yes, for the people in the back, I said TRANSFORM) your home. Here’s how to do it:
Create a chart
Name the Chart after your child (If you have multiples, each child gets their own). This can be as simple as writing “Sofie’s Special Time” across the top and the days of the week (M-S) down the left side of the paper. Make the chart with your child, and get her amped for this new thing ya’ll are going to do.
Schedule it
Every day, invite your child to pick one thing that he wants to do that is just for him. Cook together? Sure. Play Legos? Okay. Transform into Superheros or play house? Why not. Read books, go for a walk … you get the idea.
Whatever your child chooses, invite your child to set a timer for 10 minutes.
When the timer bings, you can choose to move on or to continue the activity.
After you complete the activity, place a round, colored sticker on the chart for that day of the week, and label the date and activity you did.
So, why do kids like this? Because it is concrete, measurable, tangible, predictable … all things that feel safe and good to them.
Couple of things ... 1) During these 10 minutes, follow your child’s lead, put away distractions, and really give focus to your kiddo. 2) This is not a bribe or punishment. It happens every day regardless. For older kids, you may decide once a week will suffice or one bigger outing once a month. The key is that this never becomes a carrot to dangle, but rather a safety blanket that communicates your connection.
3. Practice The Meltdown
Sounds a little weird, but I swear I am not off my rocker (well, not entirely, anyway). Practice the big emotions beforehand. Let me play this out for you.
Say that the big power struggle is always during the transition off of screen time. Moving from a preferred task to a less desired one is hard for most of us, especially a developing brain. So, when that moment comes that you say, “All done. Turn off the tablet,” their little body responds in a big way because they are being pulled in by their own emotional current. What results is a colossal meltdown.
Instead, replace all of the stress, anxiety, aloneness, and emotional shock with play and connection by practicing the meltdown ahead of time. It may look like this: “You know, I know that when I ask you to turn off the tablet, it feels hard. You really like your show, and I like that you tell me what you want. It is important to me. I also know it can feel a tad scary to feel out of control. So, let’s practice what it might feel like when it’s time to turn off the cartoons. I can go first. Why don’t you tell me to turn off my tablet.”
When your child role-plays this with you, drop down into a meltdown of your own, bringing in some silliness. And then switch, inviting your child to practice her own meltdown. After this little rehearsal, go forward with your normal TV time. If your kiddos are anything like mine, when it is time to flip the off button, there are fewer tears and more laughter.
4. Affirm Your Trust
This one is short and sweet but packs a powerful punch. Instead of commanding and demanding and sending messages that your child needs external force, is likely to mess up, or is incapable of doing something (all of which can be inadvertent messages of overpowering), focus on empowering him with this statement: I trust you to __.
I trust you to keep the markers on the paper.
I trust you to stop at the mailbox before going any further on your bike.
I trust you to pick up your toys before dinner.
I trust you and your brother to work this out.
I trust you to listen to your body.
Try it a few times, and see what happens.
5. Take A Time-In
Creating a short, playful, daily ritual to check in with our feelings has been a parenting and marriage game changer.
Each night, before bed, we come together in our family’s Calming Corner to talk about when we felt happy, sad, calm, and mad (or any other emotion) that day.
Other times, when I can tell that the heat is rising, I throw out a random feelings check-in. Let’s pause and get back in our bodies. What is it feeling? Ready, go!
Sometimes, noticing my child’s emotion helps diffuse it. It seems like something doesn’t feel good to you/didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, huh?
Another way we explore feelings is by measuring them. How big is your frustration? Is it this big? This big? … Once, when coloring, my son became upset when his blue crayon crossed over the line, and so I asked him to show me with crayons how big his feelings felt. He dropped two handfuls on the table and said, “This mad, mom.” This offered me a chance to validate his feelings and co-regulate.
While there are many more parenting tools to mention, these are 5 of my go-to's. They’re like my best girlfriends, they always have my back!
Mindful Moments Blog
Effective Parenting: Embracing Discipline Over Punishment
by Ashley Martin
Many individuals mistakenly equate punishment and discipline, assuming they are interchangeable terms. However, a closer examination reveals that they hold distinct meanings and approaches.
Mindful Moments Blog
How To Celebrate Being An Imperfect Mom
by Guest Author
We make mistakes AND we are enough all at the very same time.
I closed the car door with my foot and tiptoed my son’s birthday cupcakes inside. I was determined to remain incognito on my path to the kitchen where I excitedly stored the treats meant for his birthday party the following day.
Moms talk about a “mom win,” and I was having that sort of moment, but it didn’t last long.
Fast forward 12 hours to the next morning, and me waking to a tiny hand slapping my face. I sat up equal parts annoyed and panicked. Had I overslept? This day was not already off to a not-so-great start.
I stumbled into the kitchen to find my eldest son hiding in the pantry, helping himself to a breakfast of champions - his not-so-well-hidden leftover Halloween candy. And while it wasn’t ideal, taking the candy away at that moment seemed more daunting than the sugar high he was headed for, so I opted to pass by with a blind eye. I needed coffee.
My mom was hosting the birthday party at her house with a handful of our family members invited, and though this absolutely alleviated some of the stress that comes along with throwing a kid's party, somehow, the morning still felt chaotic.
We eventually got out the door about 30 minutes later than planned, but we were moving in the right direction. I loaded the kids, slid into the driver's seat, and attempted to start the car. Nothing. I tried again and ... nothing.
Please no, I thought, not today.
I quickly replayed the night before in my mind, trying to figure out the source of the problem.
I got the cupcakes … I drove home … I snuck inside, hid the cupcakes, and went upstairs to tuck the kids in bed.
Nowhere in this replay did I remember the part where I actually turned off the car.
The verdict was in. My car was out of gas and we were going nowhere fast.
As I called my mom to come to rescue us, I put myself on trial.
Did you forget to turn the car off? Really?! Isn’t that a pretty basic function of getting out of the car? How could you be so stupid? It's your son's birthday and you are ruining it.
I felt the guilt taking over and the tears brimming. My heart was sinking when the sweet sound of giggles hit me from the backseat. My kids were singing a mashed-up version of "Happy Birthday" and it was just the thing I needed to pull myself back from the edge of self-loathing I was teetering on.
I took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. Things could be worse, right?! Everyone was still alive, my mom was on the way, and, yes, we still had cupcakes.
As my breathing slowed, so too did my thinking. Things became more clear. And that's when I began to wonder to myself, What am I going to model for my kids here? Am I going to show them how to beat yourself up when you make a mistake, or am I going to give myself some grace and teach them that we all make mistakes?
Shit happens, and we can either criticize and complain, or we can work to transform it.
I chose the latter.
I saw so clearly at that moment that how I responded or reacted to my own mistakes would inform my children on how to be with theirs.
If it were my best friend sharing this same story with me, I would snort-laugh and tell her to give herself a break. So, why was it so hard for me to give myself this same break?
But, we do that, don’t we? We punish ourselves for things we wouldn’t think of judging another person for doing.
Having a soul-searching conversation entirely by myself in the front seat of my car, I made a vow to work on loving myself - not only for my mama wins but also for my misses.
As I waited for my mom to show, I scribbled down a short list of ways to let go of the suffocating chokehold being “perfect" had on me, and here they are:
Let yourself feel. Use “I statements” to say what I’m feeling out loud to keep me aware and in the moment.
Laugh at yourself. I may look crazy but laughing, even if a forced laugh at first, shifts the brain by releasing feel-good hormones.
Think positive. When I mess up, I am quick to pull out all of the self-deprecating labels. Note to self: cancel the negative thought, and replace it with something positive about myself.
Do-it-over. Do you believe in time travel? I do. Asking for a re-do and owning up to my mistakes is like the cosmic reset button to life.
You may be wondering if we ever made it to the birthday party and I am happy to tell you that we did. The car that wouldn't start was barely noticed by my kids and long forgotten the second we pulled up to Grandma's house.
And those cupcakes? They were a huge mom win, scoring me hugs and sugary smooches from my birthday boy.
This is me. I am an imperfect mama who wishes she was more or "better" for her boys. I am an imperfect human being, and somehow, this is a reality I am just now learning to not only accept but to celebrate.
Being excite-able. Being forgetful. These things do not make me unloveable --- they make me, me.
And that is something I can learn to celebrate, and teach my boys how to do as well.
Learn More About Reparenting
By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.
If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Calming Strategies To Do With Your Kids
by Ashley Patek
We’ve all been there before, face to face with our child, locking horns, emotions escalating (both yours and theirs). What do you do? Here are 5 calming strategies to do with your child to bridge the gap from being at odds to being on the same team.
Mindful Moments Blog
14 Common Parenting Phrases: When We Say That, Our Kids Hear This
by Ashley Patek
Here are common parenting phrases, what kids hear, and what we can say instead to get on the same page.
You know that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Where is the parenting version of that? Because lately, I'm pretty sure my children and I are not only living on two different planets, but we are speaking two different alien languages.
Somehow, me asking my child not to jump on the couch or slap her brother or throw a block at my head translates into more jumping, slapping, and throwing.
Even my best attempts to get my child to listen turn into a battle, leaving both of us feeling out of control, frustrated, and ultimately further apart (forget different planets, more like different galaxies).
It turns out that miscommunications between parents and children are not uncommon, and when we look at the science behind our children’s developing nervous system, it all makes sense. This brain science explains not only why our kids can't hear us but what we can do about it.
For children to process and integrate what we are saying, we must speak in a language they can understand. Here’s what we know:
1. Children are wired to experience life and the world around them from their brainstem (reactive/defensive part of the brain) and limbic system (emotional part of the brain).
They do not yet have access to thinking, moving, and making decisions using their higher brain regions (aka the responsive/logical part of the brain responsible for most of the "executive functioning skills" we all wish our two and three-year-olds had already).
This means that anytime our children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, sensory overwhelm, or bump into an "unmet need", such as feeling hungry, tired, lonely, overpowered, or off-routine, they will resort to their more illogical and defensive "fight, flight, and freeze" mechanisms, wired to keep them safe and well-attached to us.
Just as with any other skill, the best way to build the higher brain regions is to practice them through games and time-ins where children have the chance to learn from not only their many feelings, but their thoughts, actions, and even their mistakes.
2. A child’s brain is designed to process concrete information.
Using words that describe what we want our children to do (as opposed to what we don't) help children hear what we are saying and respond instead of reacting.
Plus, using concrete, tangible tools that kids can touch, hold, play with, and see helps children learn from their feelings and the many little teaching moments that happen in everyday life.
3. Children do much better when things are predictable and concrete.
This means when we have boundaries in place that are consistent and revealed ahead of time it incentivizes the behaviors we desire.
What Parents Say And What Kids Hear
Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we say to what our children hear. Let’s take a look at a few common examples:
When we say ...
1. Be quiet.
Kids hear/internalize: I am too much right now.
What to do instead: "Be quiet” is abstract and hard for children to process. Encourage your child to choose to be respectful with their voice rather than punishing them for doing what feels natural. Hand gesture a volume dial, model being quiet by playfully whispering, have them mirror your tone (loud then quiet), play the quiet game, and offer redirection.
2. Be careful.
Kids hear/internalize: The world is scary.
What to do instead: Say what you want your child to do. “Get down… walk on the sidewalk” or ask questions like, “What do we need to do before we cross the street?” Let your children grow in their awareness of themselves and the world.
3. Hurry up.
Kids hear/internalize: I need to give up my desires for yours.
What to do instead: Be clear, respectful, and firm. “We are leaving in ten minutes.” You may help your child by offering a visual schedule, announcing the transition, and/or using a timer.
4. Let me do that for you.
Kids hear/internalize: I am not capable and my parents can do it better.
What to do instead: Never do for a child what they think they can do for themselves. Give your child time to learn. Offer encouragement, “I believe in you. You can do hard things.” And if you must hurry, offer something like, “How about I put on this shoe and you put on that one.”
5. Be a good boy/girl.
Kids hear/internalize: I am good when I do good, and I am bad when I do bad.
What to do instead: Communicate to your child that who they are and what they do are two separate things. They are always a good kid, and sometimes they have a hard time. To communicate this, connect before you redirect: Meet the unmet need, validate the feeling, set boundaries, and teach new skills through co-regulation.
6. Be a big boy/girl.
Kids hear/internalize: Bigger is better, so I can’t wait to be older. This incentivizes our kids to be more than they are.
What to do instead: Celebrate your child for the age they are, and the abilities they have. “Wow, you’re four. What a great age to be.” or “I see you working hard on that. Way to stick with it!”
7. Don’t jump, hit, scream … or any other verb.
Kids hear/internalize: Jump, hit, scream.
What to do instead: State the behaviors you do desire. “Feet on the floor … You can hit the drum … Match my voice.”
8. Don’t whine.
Kids hear/internalize: I am not allowed to express myself. My wants and needs are bad or wrong.
What to do instead: Help your child find her powerful voice via play. “Where is Ella’s powerful voice? It was here just a minute ago?!” Or gesture her powerful voice by tapping your throat. Or say, “I want to help. I can’t understand what you are saying. Please use your powerful voice.”
9. Stop crying.
Kids hear/internalize: It is unsafe to show emotion.
What to do instead: Help your child name it to tame it and feel it to heal it. “I see you are so sad, and I am here for you.”
10. Stop being shy. Give him a hug.
Kids hear/internalize: What I feel inside isn’t what is good or right or acceptable.
What to do instead: Invite your child to tune in to their intuition and trust what they find. Offer support. “I see you don’t want to give hugs right now. That’s okay. Listen to your body.”
11. We don’t do that in this house.
Kids hear/internalize: I did that (behavior), so I must not belong.
What to do instead: State an observation and then set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. “I see a boy who threw his dinner bowl. All done.”
12. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional.
Kids hear/internalize: My feelings are wrong, not allowed, not safe.
What to do instead: Pause to notice and manage your triggers and stay curious about your child’s experience. Validate emotions, hold space, and make it safe to feel.
13. Oh come on, it's not that bad.
Kids hear/internalize: What I THINK I am feeling is false. I cannot trust myself, my body, or my feelings. There must be something wrong with me.
What to do instead: Remind yourself that feelings are not RIGHT or WRONG... they are data. Validate your child's emotions even if you do not like them. Get curious about your child's thoughts and possible unmet needs.
14. You make me so mad.
Kids hear/internalize: I am responsible for others’ feelings.
What to do instead: State how you feel using an I statement. “I feel frustrated when I see the cat get hit because he could get hurt."
If you currently use any of these, meet yourself with compassion. We are wired to say most of these phrases because it’s what was modeled for us by generations past. Being a cycle breaker takes awareness, which is exactly what this article invites. Compassionate awareness.
When our children feel safe, powerful, and connected, they have an easier time listening and cooperating with us. This is the power of taking a "connection with" rather than a "power over" approach to raising kids.
Our words can either nurture, support and guide our kids ---- or they can become their inner critic. I choose connection.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Ways Parenting Can Heal Your Childhood Wounds
by Guest Author
When our own childhood contained stress and trauma, the developmentally-appropriate behaviors of our children can be a big trigger. Here are 3 ways to heal your childhood wounds through parenting.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Tools For When Parenting Assaults Your Senses
by Ashley Patek
For all of you who deeply love your children AND deeply feel the assault to your senses that parenthood can bring, solidarity. You are not alone. Here are 3 tools for you to manage the sensory overwhelm.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
How can Time-Ins decrease meltdowns in our home?
Mindful Moments Blog
Nurturing A Natural Love For Learning
by Ashley Patek
How do you nurture curious risk-takers who love to learn? It starts here.
Mindful Moments Blog
Helping Children Embrace Mistakes For A Growth Mindset
by Ashley Patek
Whether your kiddo strikes out at baseball, colors out of the lines, or gets a grade lower than they wanted, parents have a beautiful opportunity to honor big feelings and offer tools to help them accept and maybe even celebrate it. Here are 8 ways.
Mindful Moments Blog
Calming Spaces Teach Kids How To Feel
by Ashley Patek
Teach kids how to feel, not NOT to feel.
Seems a little weird to think about, doesn’t it? Teaching kids how to feel. I mean, most days it seems like they have that part down pretty well. Their emotions, especially the unpleasant ones, fly out of them as all sorts of behaviors. They whine, cry, hit, snatch the block, or use their whole body to communicate their wants and desires.
Our emotions are energy in motion. They are always looking for a way to be expressed. Our children know how to feel the sensations in their bodies, but they have yet to learn how to share them in productive ways. So when I say “teach kids how to feel, " I mean orienting them to notice and communicate in healthy ways instead of suppressing and denying.
A pretty tall order for us parents - to teach how to feel, especially when we were taught NOT to feel. That’s where I was… standing in a big puddle of “What do I do now?” until I found the Time-In-ToolKit. Having all the feeling posters and activities in one kit seemed like a really good starting point for me – a busy mom who really didn’t have time for more on her plate.
Fast forward to receiving the ToolKit and reading the manual, it became clear that these tools weren’t only to help me guide my son, but they were a compass for my internal climate too. I had this a-ha moment, realizing that parenting my son started with me. Him managing his emotions started with me managing mine.
The first thing we did was set up our family Calming Space together, hanging our posters, and filling the area with a cozy bean bag, stuffies, mantra cards, sensory toys, and other activities my son favored. He was excited to have a nook in the house that was dedicated to “mama time” as he called it. We spent weeks taking little trips to our space, reading, cuddling, coloring, and basically following my kiddo’s lead in play. I found that these moments became the balm to our sometimes stressful days.
Because play is so motivating to our children, I decided to use it as a starting point to teach my son about his feeling sensations. We began with the basics – happy, sad, calm, and mad. We talked about what those emotions felt like in our bodies. We played feeling bingo and charades. We mimicked our feeling faces in the mirror. We read stories, pausing to notice the characters’ feelings. And, for a few minutes each night before bed, we shared: When did I feel happy, sad, calm, and mad today?
Now am I going to say that when my son had a meltdown he automatically went to his Calming Space to share how he felt… no. Sometimes he initiated it. Sometimes I did. Sometimes he wanted to go. Sometimes he didn’t. But the more we practiced, the more he seemed to make those connections. And because I have been reading up on brain development, I trust that as we prime his brain with repetition and consistency and as he matures neurologically, he will be able to access all of our co-regulation experiences to self-regulate down the road. While he may be a 20-year-old-something at some point with emotions similar to his two-year-old self, my hope is that he will be more prepared to know how to feel and express them given the foundation we are establishing now.
When it comes to me using the ToolKit for myself, am I going to say that it totally curbed my adult meltdowns? No. There are times I yell or resort to impatient parenting. Those generational cycles are hard to break. I like to think of myself as a work in progress. But the more I practice using the Corner myself, the more I am able to model self-awareness, boundaries, and emotional control for my son.
I will never be a perfect mom, and there are many things that I will surely do that cause me to wonder if it was the “right” thing. But this, this I know deep in my soul that I am on to something here, everyday building connection with my son as I parent and re-parent our home.
Mindful Moments Blog
Three Steps To Shift From Frustration To Connection
by Guest Author
Undoubtedly, the most frustrating moments in parenting are those that happen to us every day. When we understand what is causing our frustration, we are able to move from connection. Here are 3 tips.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Rebecca Eanes
At its core, parenting is about relationships, and in our search for the perfect discipline tricks, we've lost sight of that. Here are 7 pieces to the "parenting pie" that shape your child’s formative years.
Mindful Moments Blog
The Stories Kids Want To Tell About COVID
by Rebecca Eanes
Our children grew up in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. Their brains developed in quarantine. Their bodies changed in lockdown. They are emerging from this as different people, and the impact it had on them is yet to be told. Here are 4 things we can do to support our children’s social-emotional health this school year ...
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Simple Tools To Gain Cooperation From Your Child (With Less Yelling From You!)
by Rebecca Eanes
When it comes to getting your child to listen, tricks and bribes only go so far. Eventually your kids will wise up to them, and because these tactics evoke a fight or flight response, they will rebel. Here are 3 tools to increase cooperation so that your kids want to work with you (instead of against you).
