Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
How To Use A Calming Corner With Kids Under Three
by Traci Esposito
You've likely seen the Calming Corner floating around social media, and you're probably wondering if this adorably cozy setup will work in your home, let alone with your two-year-old. And the answer is YES. Here's how.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
We took a look at common parenting practices of the past to compare how we were parented to how we parent. And here is what we found.
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Parenting Hacks For Getting Through A Day With Kids
by Ashley Patek
Looking to make it through the day without yelling, power struggles or the dreaded parenting guilt? Stop what you're doing and check out these 5 simple (and effective) parenting hacks!
Mindful Moments Blog
by Jessica Zodicoff
As a seven-year-old girl, I remember my grandpa coming over for the holidays and juggling whatever fruit he could find in our kitchen. He taught me to juggle using not lemons, but just three tissues. The fruit was too big for my little-girl hands, but like a set of training wheels, I practiced with those tissues until...
Mindful Moments Blog
Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids
by Ashley Patek
Calming Spaces build emotional regulation antibodies, and here's how.
When our children are hungry, we offer food.
When they are tired, we offer sleep.
When they want attention, we offer connection.
As a parent, these needs often make sense to us and we have some ideas of how to meet them. But here is something else to think about.
A Child's Need For Emotional Regulation
When children experience big, unpleasant feelings and meltdowns, there is a need there too. They have a need to release tension and regulate their bodies. We can help meet that need by being emotionally responsive adults for our children.
Children who learn that vulnerability is a superpower - to feel big feelings and let them out of their body in the presence of their adult - retain a very important truth: all emotions are safe. Not just to feel but to express.
SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns
This is huge, because emotional overwhelm is alarming to children, mostly because emotions are new to them. So when parents and educators make emotions safe, children feel secure to explore and participate in relationships and the world around them.
They don’t have to carry the burden of being blocked or denied emotional experiences. They can live more fully. As researcher and author Brené Brown shares, “Our kids come into this world wired for struggle and imperfection. Our job is to let them know they are worthy of love and to be truly loved, they must feel validated and seen.”
Emotional Regulation As A Skill
Not only is emotional regulation a need, but it is also a skill. Our children have highly immature brains. While they are little Einsteins at detecting perceived threats and feeling feelings, they are a novice at knowing what to do with them. It takes ritual and consistency.
Each time a child’s emotions are met with connection, they grow a pathway in their brain for emotional regulation. They essentially cultivate a toolbelt for when they feel mad, sad, or frustrated.
Additionally, each time we invite our children to borrow our nervous system and model noticing, naming, and managing our emotions, our children mimic and embody that too. We are emotional beings neurobiologically wired to connect. And so when children are offered these experiences, they not only develop mentally and physically but emotionally as well.
Calming Corner Spaces Build Emotional Regulation Skills For Kids
Having a Calming Space in your home or classroom meets a child’s fundamental needs and teaches the skills of being a human who feels. The concepts around a Calming Space are connection and co-regulation.
We don’t order, command, and demand that our children go to their Calming Space to figure out their emotions in isolation. Rather, this is a place where parents, caregivers, or educators go with children to help them notice, name, and process feeling sensations.
The Time-In ToolKit posters make it easy and fun for children to identify their feelings. With your help, children begin to connect sensations to words, expanding their emotional vocabulary. For example, “When my jaw is clenched and my fists are tight, I am feeling angry.”
These associations help children then manage physically. “When I feel angry, I can __.” The ToolKit also offers a Calming Strategies poster to help children explore which calming activities feel most nourishing to them.
Practicing this in fun, playful ways during regulated moments, in a daily ritual such as pre-bedtime or during circle time in class, can help children access calming strategies during dysregulation. And as stated above, when we model using the Calming Space ourselves, children are more likely to mirror our patterns and adopt them as their own.
Calming Corner Spaces Create Life-Long Skills
Our feelings are forces. And feelings that don’t have permission to leave our body fly out as dysregulated behaviors. When we educate from fear and compliance, asking our children to suppress or deny themselves, they grow up to be adults who are developmentally in no better place to manage their emotions than they were as a child.
We want our children to connect and talk with us and we want to prepare them for life in different ways. Using a Calming Space is like a pre-regulation tool, preparing kids for different feelings. This builds emotional regulation antibodies, so to speak. It takes all of the aloneness and scariness and replaces it with safety and love. And when children feel safe, they can learn.
Mindful Moments Blog
Discipline Your Child's Behavior, Not Their Emotions
by Ashley Patek
There is a difference between how our children feel and how they behave. Rather than trying to force our children to not feel certain emotions (especially the ones that are inconvenient for us), we can teach them how to deal with emotions. Here are four ways to do this.
Mindful Moments Blog
Creating a Calming Corner for Small Spaces
by Ashley Patek
Calming Corners of all sizes and styles are celebrated because what matters is that you opened the box. Here is how to make a calming space for small spaces.
Mindful Moments Blog
Framing And Hanging Your Time-In-ToolKit
by Ashley Patek
Which frames will work best? Where were the best deals on frames? And how do I hang them? Here is your guide to framing and hanging your Time-In ToolKit.
Mindful Moments Blog
Why Does My Child Meltdown After School & What Can I Do?
by Ashley Patek
So often parents report, "My kids are so put together at school and then they get home and are a total mess." Why does this happen and what can parents do to help their children regulate? (We offer 8 ideas)
Mindful Moments Blog
Effective Parenting: Embracing Discipline Over Punishment
by Ashley Martin
Many individuals mistakenly equate punishment and discipline, assuming they are interchangeable terms. However, a closer examination reveals that they hold distinct meanings and approaches.
Mindful Moments Blog
Does Self-Care Feel Like A Chore?
by Ashley Patek
Empowerment self-care is when we can be with the current moment with joy and ease, noticing how we feel and asking ourselves, “What is it that I want and need, and how do I make that happen?” Here's how to listen to your sensory body and 5 simple self-care breaks for you and your child.
Mindful Moments Blog
How To Celebrate Being An Imperfect Mom
by Guest Author
We make mistakes AND we are enough all at the very same time.
I closed the car door with my foot and tiptoed my son’s birthday cupcakes inside. I was determined to remain incognito on my path to the kitchen where I excitedly stored the treats meant for his birthday party the following day.
Moms talk about a “mom win,” and I was having that sort of moment, but it didn’t last long.
Fast forward 12 hours to the next morning, and me waking to a tiny hand slapping my face. I sat up equal parts annoyed and panicked. Had I overslept? This day was not already off to a not-so-great start.
I stumbled into the kitchen to find my eldest son hiding in the pantry, helping himself to a breakfast of champions - his not-so-well-hidden leftover Halloween candy. And while it wasn’t ideal, taking the candy away at that moment seemed more daunting than the sugar high he was headed for, so I opted to pass by with a blind eye. I needed coffee.
My mom was hosting the birthday party at her house with a handful of our family members invited, and though this absolutely alleviated some of the stress that comes along with throwing a kid's party, somehow, the morning still felt chaotic.
We eventually got out the door about 30 minutes later than planned, but we were moving in the right direction. I loaded the kids, slid into the driver's seat, and attempted to start the car. Nothing. I tried again and ... nothing.
Please no, I thought, not today.
I quickly replayed the night before in my mind, trying to figure out the source of the problem.
I got the cupcakes … I drove home … I snuck inside, hid the cupcakes, and went upstairs to tuck the kids in bed.
Nowhere in this replay did I remember the part where I actually turned off the car.
The verdict was in. My car was out of gas and we were going nowhere fast.
As I called my mom to come to rescue us, I put myself on trial.
Did you forget to turn the car off? Really?! Isn’t that a pretty basic function of getting out of the car? How could you be so stupid? It's your son's birthday and you are ruining it.
I felt the guilt taking over and the tears brimming. My heart was sinking when the sweet sound of giggles hit me from the backseat. My kids were singing a mashed-up version of "Happy Birthday" and it was just the thing I needed to pull myself back from the edge of self-loathing I was teetering on.
I took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. Things could be worse, right?! Everyone was still alive, my mom was on the way, and, yes, we still had cupcakes.
As my breathing slowed, so too did my thinking. Things became more clear. And that's when I began to wonder to myself, What am I going to model for my kids here? Am I going to show them how to beat yourself up when you make a mistake, or am I going to give myself some grace and teach them that we all make mistakes?
Shit happens, and we can either criticize and complain, or we can work to transform it.
I chose the latter.
I saw so clearly at that moment that how I responded or reacted to my own mistakes would inform my children on how to be with theirs.
If it were my best friend sharing this same story with me, I would snort-laugh and tell her to give herself a break. So, why was it so hard for me to give myself this same break?
But, we do that, don’t we? We punish ourselves for things we wouldn’t think of judging another person for doing.
Having a soul-searching conversation entirely by myself in the front seat of my car, I made a vow to work on loving myself - not only for my mama wins but also for my misses.
As I waited for my mom to show, I scribbled down a short list of ways to let go of the suffocating chokehold being “perfect" had on me, and here they are:
Let yourself feel. Use “I statements” to say what I’m feeling out loud to keep me aware and in the moment.
Laugh at yourself. I may look crazy but laughing, even if a forced laugh at first, shifts the brain by releasing feel-good hormones.
Think positive. When I mess up, I am quick to pull out all of the self-deprecating labels. Note to self: cancel the negative thought, and replace it with something positive about myself.
Do-it-over. Do you believe in time travel? I do. Asking for a re-do and owning up to my mistakes is like the cosmic reset button to life.
You may be wondering if we ever made it to the birthday party and I am happy to tell you that we did. The car that wouldn't start was barely noticed by my kids and long forgotten the second we pulled up to Grandma's house.
And those cupcakes? They were a huge mom win, scoring me hugs and sugary smooches from my birthday boy.
This is me. I am an imperfect mama who wishes she was more or "better" for her boys. I am an imperfect human being, and somehow, this is a reality I am just now learning to not only accept but to celebrate.
Being excite-able. Being forgetful. These things do not make me unloveable --- they make me, me.
And that is something I can learn to celebrate, and teach my boys how to do as well.
Learn More About Reparenting
By understanding and embracing your inner child with kindness, you become resilient, improve your emotional well-being, and form a deeper connection with yourself.
If you would like further guidance and support in your reparenting journey, please take a moment to explore the Reparent Yourself Online Summit.
Mindful Moments Blog
Teaching Your Child How To Be Mad
by Ashley Patek
It’s not about teaching our children not to be mad, sad, or frustrated. It’s about teaching them how to be mad, sad, and frustrated. Rather than teaching them to suppress or bottle their emotions, we can empower our children to move through them in healthy ways. Here's how.
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Calming Strategies To Do With Your Kids
by Ashley Patek
We’ve all been there before, face to face with our child, locking horns, emotions escalating (both yours and theirs). What do you do? Here are 5 calming strategies to do with your child to bridge the gap from being at odds to being on the same team.
Mindful Moments Blog
Connect, Regulate, and Teach Through Play
by Rebecca Eanes
Playfulness isn’t only a tool to keep in your parenting toolbox, it’s a mindset. Here are some tips and tools on how to use play to build connection, bolster emotional regulation, and enhance learning.
Mindful Moments Blog
We Don't Need To "Fix" Our Children's Behavior
by Ashley Patek
When we see our children as growing and evolving rather than needing to be trained, we realize that nothing has to be "fixed". And it is then that they can truly flourish.
Mindful Moments Blog
14 Common Parenting Phrases: When We Say That, Our Kids Hear This
by Ashley Patek
Here are common parenting phrases, what kids hear, and what we can say instead to get on the same page.
You know that book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus? Where is the parenting version of that? Because lately, I'm pretty sure my children and I are not only living on two different planets, but we are speaking two different alien languages.
Somehow, me asking my child not to jump on the couch or slap her brother or throw a block at my head translates into more jumping, slapping, and throwing.
Even my best attempts to get my child to listen turn into a battle, leaving both of us feeling out of control, frustrated, and ultimately further apart (forget different planets, more like different galaxies).
It turns out that miscommunications between parents and children are not uncommon, and when we look at the science behind our children’s developing nervous system, it all makes sense. This brain science explains not only why our kids can't hear us but what we can do about it.
For children to process and integrate what we are saying, we must speak in a language they can understand. Here’s what we know:
1. Children are wired to experience life and the world around them from their brainstem (reactive/defensive part of the brain) and limbic system (emotional part of the brain).
They do not yet have access to thinking, moving, and making decisions using their higher brain regions (aka the responsive/logical part of the brain responsible for most of the "executive functioning skills" we all wish our two and three-year-olds had already).
This means that anytime our children feel overwhelmed by their emotions, sensory overwhelm, or bump into an "unmet need", such as feeling hungry, tired, lonely, overpowered, or off-routine, they will resort to their more illogical and defensive "fight, flight, and freeze" mechanisms, wired to keep them safe and well-attached to us.
Just as with any other skill, the best way to build the higher brain regions is to practice them through games and time-ins where children have the chance to learn from not only their many feelings, but their thoughts, actions, and even their mistakes.
2. A child’s brain is designed to process concrete information.
Using words that describe what we want our children to do (as opposed to what we don't) help children hear what we are saying and respond instead of reacting.
Plus, using concrete, tangible tools that kids can touch, hold, play with, and see helps children learn from their feelings and the many little teaching moments that happen in everyday life.
3. Children do much better when things are predictable and concrete.
This means when we have boundaries in place that are consistent and revealed ahead of time it incentivizes the behaviors we desire.
What Parents Say And What Kids Hear
Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we say to what our children hear. Let’s take a look at a few common examples:
When we say ...
1. Be quiet.
Kids hear/internalize: I am too much right now.
What to do instead: "Be quiet” is abstract and hard for children to process. Encourage your child to choose to be respectful with their voice rather than punishing them for doing what feels natural. Hand gesture a volume dial, model being quiet by playfully whispering, have them mirror your tone (loud then quiet), play the quiet game, and offer redirection.
2. Be careful.
Kids hear/internalize: The world is scary.
What to do instead: Say what you want your child to do. “Get down… walk on the sidewalk” or ask questions like, “What do we need to do before we cross the street?” Let your children grow in their awareness of themselves and the world.
3. Hurry up.
Kids hear/internalize: I need to give up my desires for yours.
What to do instead: Be clear, respectful, and firm. “We are leaving in ten minutes.” You may help your child by offering a visual schedule, announcing the transition, and/or using a timer.
4. Let me do that for you.
Kids hear/internalize: I am not capable and my parents can do it better.
What to do instead: Never do for a child what they think they can do for themselves. Give your child time to learn. Offer encouragement, “I believe in you. You can do hard things.” And if you must hurry, offer something like, “How about I put on this shoe and you put on that one.”
5. Be a good boy/girl.
Kids hear/internalize: I am good when I do good, and I am bad when I do bad.
What to do instead: Communicate to your child that who they are and what they do are two separate things. They are always a good kid, and sometimes they have a hard time. To communicate this, connect before you redirect: Meet the unmet need, validate the feeling, set boundaries, and teach new skills through co-regulation.
6. Be a big boy/girl.
Kids hear/internalize: Bigger is better, so I can’t wait to be older. This incentivizes our kids to be more than they are.
What to do instead: Celebrate your child for the age they are, and the abilities they have. “Wow, you’re four. What a great age to be.” or “I see you working hard on that. Way to stick with it!”
7. Don’t jump, hit, scream … or any other verb.
Kids hear/internalize: Jump, hit, scream.
What to do instead: State the behaviors you do desire. “Feet on the floor … You can hit the drum … Match my voice.”
8. Don’t whine.
Kids hear/internalize: I am not allowed to express myself. My wants and needs are bad or wrong.
What to do instead: Help your child find her powerful voice via play. “Where is Ella’s powerful voice? It was here just a minute ago?!” Or gesture her powerful voice by tapping your throat. Or say, “I want to help. I can’t understand what you are saying. Please use your powerful voice.”
9. Stop crying.
Kids hear/internalize: It is unsafe to show emotion.
What to do instead: Help your child name it to tame it and feel it to heal it. “I see you are so sad, and I am here for you.”
10. Stop being shy. Give him a hug.
Kids hear/internalize: What I feel inside isn’t what is good or right or acceptable.
What to do instead: Invite your child to tune in to their intuition and trust what they find. Offer support. “I see you don’t want to give hugs right now. That’s okay. Listen to your body.”
11. We don’t do that in this house.
Kids hear/internalize: I did that (behavior), so I must not belong.
What to do instead: State an observation and then set clear, firm, and consistent boundaries. “I see a boy who threw his dinner bowl. All done.”
12. You’re fine. You’re being too emotional.
Kids hear/internalize: My feelings are wrong, not allowed, not safe.
What to do instead: Pause to notice and manage your triggers and stay curious about your child’s experience. Validate emotions, hold space, and make it safe to feel.
13. Oh come on, it's not that bad.
Kids hear/internalize: What I THINK I am feeling is false. I cannot trust myself, my body, or my feelings. There must be something wrong with me.
What to do instead: Remind yourself that feelings are not RIGHT or WRONG... they are data. Validate your child's emotions even if you do not like them. Get curious about your child's thoughts and possible unmet needs.
14. You make me so mad.
Kids hear/internalize: I am responsible for others’ feelings.
What to do instead: State how you feel using an I statement. “I feel frustrated when I see the cat get hit because he could get hurt."
If you currently use any of these, meet yourself with compassion. We are wired to say most of these phrases because it’s what was modeled for us by generations past. Being a cycle breaker takes awareness, which is exactly what this article invites. Compassionate awareness.
When our children feel safe, powerful, and connected, they have an easier time listening and cooperating with us. This is the power of taking a "connection with" rather than a "power over" approach to raising kids.
Our words can either nurture, support and guide our kids ---- or they can become their inner critic. I choose connection.
Mindful Moments Blog
St. Louis Post-Dispatch: A Card Game to Boost Your Child's Emotional Intelligence
by Alex Petrou
When I coerced my family to play a new card game designed to nurture our empathy, the first question was: How do you win? “Oh my god, it’s not that kind of game,” I said. We’re a competitive bunch. Let’s just say I’ve been uninvited from some family game[...] Read More
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Mindful Moments Blog
How To Reduce Your Child's Exposure To Shame
by Rebecca Eanes
Shame eats away at a child’s core emotional need to feel loved and connected, leaving them feeling small, unworthy, flawed, and unacceptable. As we learn to heal our shame wounds, we give our children chances for a healthy and happy emotional life. Here are 3 shame-free discipline tactics.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Ways Parenting Can Heal Your Childhood Wounds
by Guest Author
When our own childhood contained stress and trauma, the developmentally-appropriate behaviors of our children can be a big trigger. Here are 3 ways to heal your childhood wounds through parenting.
