Mindful Moments Blog

In the face of her daughter's meltdowns, this mama strived to be perfect by suppressing her own emotions. What she learned is that abandoning herself was a trauma response to her own childhood, and that what she and her daughter both needed was this ...

How do you celebrate one child while mourning the loss of another? This mama shares her story. 

When we learn to suppress unpleasant emotions as a child, we become adults whose conditioned self masquerades as our authentic self. This dampens our human experience (and affects our mental health and parenting). Here's how to break the cycle. 

After maternity leave, I decide to shift from my role as a teacher of an academic classroom to that of teaching our “one and only.” My full momma heart told me that I would nail it. I mean, how hard could it be to teach one child when I had taught so many?

How can Time-Ins decrease meltdowns in our home?

In solidarity, we stand: All of the sleep-deprived parents out there. Fragmented sleep is hard and it makes parenting mindfully feel like an uphill battle. But even in the haze of of it all, this mama has found her voice, and this is what she shares.

Whether we are thanking our spouse, our kids, Mother Nature, or receiving thanks in return, gratitude in any form can help stabilize emotions, help us parent from our center, and offer our children the safety and connection to learn and grow. 

By: Suzanne TuckerYou’re talking, but nobody’s listening. You feel like the teacher in that Snoopy cartoon. Waaa -waaa-waaa-waaa-waaa. You’ve been nice. You’ve been patient. You’ve repeated yourself no less than three times and YOU. ARE. DONE. You think to yourself: ‘Why won’t they just do what I ask them to do?!’ ‘I could have never gotten away with this when I was a kid!!!’ ‘This is exhausting. Am I the only parent on the planet dealing with this?!’ You feel frustrated, disrespected and unappreciated, and so the gloves come off as you think to yourself, ‘Nagging, yelling, shaming, bribing. What’s it gonna take to GET THESE KIDS TO LISTEN?!’ Instead of resorting to parenting tactics that leave you feeling guilty and/or disconnected from your child, inspire the listening you are looking for with these five simple strategies: #1 – Parents, pull for cooperation right from the start. If you are parenting a strong-willed child, it is likely that each and every time you attempt to exert your authority, your child responds with some sort of resistance. Ignoring you. Defying you. Engaging you with backtalk and banter. Or maybe replying with, “Sure!” just to get you off their case only to ignore you and your request yet again. Instead of approaching your child with body language that says, “Get your back-side in motion or else!!!” (an understandable stance to take given the past) see if you can strike a team-approach that pulls for their cooperation instead. Stand where you can be seen, heard and even felt as you gently pat a knee or shoulder. Lock eyes before you speak. Connect. Ensure your child is actually hearing what you are about to say. This means no more yelling “GET YOUR SHOES ON PLEASE, WE ARE LATE!!!” from the next room, even in the most kind or politest of voices. Distant, defensive, or hurried commands invite resistance and set you up to fail before you are even out of the gate. Once you have your child’s attention, avoid locking horns at the front end and pour on a little honey instead. Avoid words like need, can’t and have to as these “trigger” words do little more than invite pushback and opt instead for words that invite: “You need to clean up now.” becomes “It’s time to put the toys up.” “You have to come to dinner now.” becomes “It’s time for dinner.” “You can’t play anymore right now we need to eat.” becomes “You can play some more after dinner.” # 2 – Change your method, respond rather than react. Once your “invitation” is out there, if your child still resists you, instead of reacting to what feels like disobedience, reclaim your personal-power and respond to your child instead. As much as pushback can feel like a) a personal attack, b) an elaborate plot to drive you batty and/or c) a sign of some huge personality flaw in your child that will only get worse with time and needs to be broken, it is more than likely simply r-e-s-i-s-t-a-n-c-e. Resistance to change. Resistance to being told. Resistance to some unknown next thing. Resistance to stop using the brain cells that are currently firing within his or her head to find and engage some whole other set of brain cells necessary to make your request, no matter how valid it is, happen. Once you let go of your reaction (i.e feeling shocked, offended, disrespected, etc), you can put 100% of your energy into responding to your child instead (i.e. connecting and redirecting their behavior.) In my six-hour positive parenting class, we spend two hours talking about this step alone. It’s no small thing to respond rather than react when you feel angry or irritated, but staying calm means everything when it comes to leading and guiding by example. Instead of parenting from fear, shame and/or other types of coercive power, when you re-focus your efforts on responding to what feels like misbehavior instead of reacting, you’ll find you are 110% more effective at enrolling your child into the very thing you are wanting. Being kind, respectful, responsible. Discipline, born of the root word “disciple” which means to lead and guide by example, is a vital part of positive parenting – parenting from a clear, firm and consistent love. Responding instead of reacting to your child does not mean you are being permissive. It means you are being both firm and respectful as you teach your child what is expected of them in that moment. # 3 – Restate what you hear your child saying with love. Use a calm voice as you re-direct your child. I call this my “Siri” voice as Siri never yells at me or makes me feel guilty when I miss a turn. She simply redirects me. “Turn left at the next stop.” Drop any judgment or irritation you might be feeling at your child’s resistance (“justified” irritation on your part, but irritation none the less) from your words and your voice as you report only the facts: “You like playing with your Legos.” “You are having fun.” Look for the feeling your child is struggling with and state it calmly as well, with as much empathy as you can muster. Make eye contact as you get down on your child’s level and say: “I hear you. You are sad and wish you could keeping playing Legos.” “You are mad and want to play more.” This restating, or what I like to think of as empathy, works great with teens as well, though obviously the words and the situations would change. The key here is, when you pause to restate what you hear your child saying (or think they might be saying/feeling) it’s like you’re hitting some big cosmic pause button on any old knee-jerk reaction type tendencies you might want to default to and instead, you are offering empathy. A single, well placed kind word or hug can be a complete game-changer when it comes to transforming resistance. Simply put, empathy has the power to create cooperation. By helping your child feel heard, you are helping them to listen. # 4 – Now that you have your child's calm attention, it's time to restate what you are asking for. Use simple words that invite action. The more specific, concrete and actionable, the better: “It’s time for dinner. Take my hand and we can walk to the table. We can play with Legos when we are done.” Paint an inviting picture for your child, one they see themselves doing in their head and avoid the trap of telling them exactly what you do NOT want them to do. “Bye-bye Legos. We’ll see you after dinner” for the 2-3-year-old. “Let’s hit the pause button (as you hit an imaginary pause button and invite them to do so as well) and we’ll come back to these Legos after dinner.” For the 4-5-year-old. “Time for dinner, let’s go. What will you eat first?” or any number of other enrolling questions you think of to get your 5+ older child thinking about the action you are asking of them. # 5 – Stay with it. The last element to getting your child to listen is consistency. Once you’ve tasted the sweet success of redirecting resistance without the need to yell, it’s just that much easier to inspire cooperation from your child the next time. And though the transition from your old way of “inspiring listening” to this new way might be a bit more complex than the examples above… STAY WITH IT. If you and your child are in a dance, resisting one another in the same area of life, over and over, talk about your dance when the situation is not up in your face; the following afternoon for instance. You might open with something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed getting to the dinner table is always a battle for us. What can we do fix this so we can BOTH feel good in the end? We’re on the same team and I want you to like whatever plan we come up with. Do you have any ideas?” … and then LISTEN. Write down every idea your child has, even the crazy ones: “I know. I get a piece of candy every time I come right to the dinner table.”(yeah, right) “I’ve GOT IT! We could get a new puppy if we all listen to you and come to the table right away every night for a week!” (not on your life) You get the idea. Write each one down with a smile, throwing in your own ideas here and there. Allowing for your child’s silly ideas as you make this list is a big part of making this brainstorming session work, especially for kids aged 3 to 9. Heck – everybody likes to laugh and crazy ideas help keep things light. Have fun with it and throw in a few wacko ideas yourself! In the end, find an idea you both like and circle it. You have a winner! When allowed to be a part of creating the solution, even at age 3, your child will be that much more invested in having this solution work. Putting all five strategies in motion. Here’s an example of some “listening” a family I’ve been working with privately created. They had been battling their five-year-old son who had been putting his feet up on the table every night, without fail, at dinnertime for what felt like an eternity. Mom’s gentle reminders fell on deaf ears. Repeating and reminding gave way to frustration and anger. Not only was dinner NOT finding it’s way into their three children’s little mouths due to all the unrest at the table, but mom and dad’s goal for dinner to be “a peaceful time to reconnect and share about our day over a healthy meal” (a meal mom had just spent over an hour making) was going up in smoke every night. Even the playful ideas mom had tried to make mealtime “fun” for her son and keep him cooperative and at the table failed to keep his feet off the table and all the “fun” was quickly becoming more of a chore than an assist. That’s when this family followed this five-step plan above and hit the reset button. The couple got clear about how they were feeling in the face of all this "not listening" and owned their triggers. They canceled their goal to control their son and set a new goal to be clear and respectful as they held to their boundaries. As soon as the goal to control their son was clear, a new space emerged and a new goal --- to own their feelings and to involve their son in the process. This mom decided to ask her son to help her create a solution. She approached the issue as a team, from her “center” and in a calm moment the following afternoon. She recapped the issue and her goal, free from “trigger” words and asked her son for ideas. She listened and wrote everything he offered in the way of a solution down. Through this process, she felt calm, connected and on the same page as her son even as they discussed the behavior that had been driving her up a wall for weeks. In the end, here’s the gem of an idea her son came up with: He decided if he put a long strip of paper with “x’s” all along the edge and taped it to the table, he would remember to keep his feet down. And wha-laa. It was that SIMPLE… and it worked. He listened that night, and the next, and the next, following the family rule to keep his feet under (instead of on) the table because of a solution he helped to craft. And he continues to follow this rule today, no sticky notes required; nightly battle transformed. Where could you and your family use a breakthrough towards more listening? I’d love to hear if and how you put these five strategies to the test and what you create with your family. Together. xo Mom of four, author and parent educator Suzanne Tucker is the founder of Generation Mindful, a line of educational tools, toys and online programs committed to connecting the generations playfully and nurturing the human spirit. _____________ Generation Mindful creates tools, toys, and programs that nurture emotional intelligence through play and positive discipline. Join us and receive joy in your inbox each week.

A mom recently shared a clip on TikTok of her son using Generation Mindful's Time-In ToolKit, and the post went viral. Take a look. 

We subconsciously believe that if our children are misbehaving, then we did something wrong and we take action from a place of guilt. Here's how to flip your perspective and move from connection.

The tasks we need to get done, the clean house, the money we chase for the next bill, the wanting better, the material things in life, more of this and of more of that. None of it matters.

Why does my child hit and what can I do to get him to stop?

Kevin is a supervisor for the federal government and dad of two daughters, ages seven and six. In using a Calming Corner for his daughters at home, he gained tools that he later integrated with a co-worker during an escalated moment. 

Juneteenth is important for the larger narrative around justice and equality. It is not just Black History, it is American History. We can honor the legacy of Juneteenth AND mindfully take action for continued change. Here are seven ways.   

Poet  and mama Jess Urlichs shares how sometimes doing our best is enough. And it was this one small gesture that birthed for her this important reminder.

If you’ve been graced with an orchid child, here are three tips for helping them grow into their magnificence. 

My daughter sat fearlessly in the barber's chair with a smile across her face as long clumps of hair left her head. And it was then I realized not only what's important in life, but what gives it meaning.

"Before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my mancave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed." By Brandon Janous It happened at dinner the other night. Not the actual “it” but a conversation about “it.” My 10-year-old daughter: “Daddy, did you know that a girl in my class already started her period?" Me: (After nearly spitting my wine all over the dinner table) “No, sweetie, I didn’t know this. No one told me that a girl in your class had started her period. How do you feel about this?” Daughter: “Well, I don’t think I really want to talk to you about it because you’re not a girl, and this is girl stuff.” Me: “Right, I totally understand, sweetie, but if you do, I can handle it because, well, I know some girls, and I know that every girl goes through this.” Daughter: “I understand, daddy. Maybe one day. But not today.” She then proceeded to spend the next 47 minutes talking about it. She told me that she was a little scared but also a lot prepared. She encouraged her little sister that it will be ok and that she has pads under her bed and in her backpack and that she will help her with it all when her time comes. She also let her little brother know that he’s lucky that he’s a boy and that he doesn’t have to worry about anything except hair growing in weird places and stinky armpits. Needless to say, the other night at dinner, we had “the talk.” She doesn’t think we did because “this is girl stuff.”  But we for sure had “the talk.” I don’t know that I did it right or that I said all the right things. And to be honest, for the most part, I just listened. But the important part is that for 47 minutes, she talked.  I’m certain that this won’t be the last time she’s not ready to talk to me about something. And I realize that I’m not nearly as equipped as her mommy would have been for these types of conversations. It’s no secret that mommies are superheroes. They are just built differently and can handle anything that is thrown their way. And I’m not just talking about girl stuff; I’m talking about all stuff. I think it’s fair to say that God spent a little more time when he made mommies. They sacrifice their bodies, their sleep, their social life, eating hot meals, peeing alone, their memory, their energy, and so many other things the moment their child is born. God didn’t make daddies that way. Sometimes I wonder if He took a shortcut when He made us. Maybe it’s different for some dads, but for me, it’s just not innate or in my nature to give up sleep, eat cold meals, pee with little ones accompanying me, have hard talks, and all the other things that mommies do so well. It’s work. It’s hard. And often, it’s just super uncomfortable. But over these last few years, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s in the super uncomfortable where the good stuff happens. I’m not sure if it’s statistically proven, but it seems to me that girls are wired to talk. Maybe it’s just my girls. Maybe you don’t see that with yours. But mine can talk. And I think it’s safe to say that if I’m not there to listen, someone else will fill that space. That scares me to death, and I’m certainly not ready to allow someone else to take that role from me. There is, hands down, no other man in our daughters’ life that wields as much influence as we do. From a toddler to a teenager, we are the most powerful person in the world in her eyes. And as long as she’ll allow me to be that person, I’m going to do everything in my power to be just that. As dads, we have the option to either live with the regret of conversations not had and the times we didn’t show up, or we can choose to be a constant, maybe even annoying presence in their lives, and not just in the easy and good times, but in the awkward and hard ones too. To be honest, before my late wife passed away, I probably would have retreated to my man cave when hard things like “period talk” popped up. It would have been so much easier just to let my daughter and her mommy figure this stuff out. But looking back at it now, what an opportunity I would have missed. It would have been easy to run as fast and far away as I could. But it was awesome staying close, being present, and simply having a talk that she didn’t even know we had. It seems like overnight, the piggybanks and pigtails have begun to fade away. My little girl isn’t so little anymore. She doesn’t hop up on my lap like she once did. She doesn’t need me to read her a bedtime story anymore. The hugs don’t last quite as long as they used to. And I understand that one day there will probably be a man that will enter her life and become more important to her than I am. A person that she will share all the hard stuff with. A person that will inevitably take my place. Today isn’t that day. And for now, I get to be that person. And what I notice, now more than ever, is that she still wants to know that I’m there. Whether it’s while we watch a movie, take a quick trip to the grocery store, or even during our bedtime routine. I’ll catch her glancing over at me, just to make sure I’m there. She’s not looking for words; she’s just looking for me. Because “me” is enough.