Mindful Moments Blog
Mindful Moments Blog
When Your Child Fears The Coronavirus: 8 Tips for Taming Anxiety
by Ashley Patek
As a parent, what do you do when your child has fears that feel out of their control - things like viral outbreaks and global warming? Learn 8 tips for taming fears and anxieties through connection.
Mindful Moments Blog
by Ashley Patek
A poem about being the adult you needed when you were young, and making it safe for kids to feel. "And while we may seem grown, we are children raising our own. Loving them in ways we needed, so that they can be free."
Mindful Moments Blog
5 Ways To Nurture Emotional Intelligence For Kids
by Ashley Patek
How can we as adults, parents, grandparents & more, nurture emotional intelligence for kids? 5 ways you can nurture emotional intelligence in children.
Mindful Moments Blog
School Program Uses PeaceMakers to Aide Social-Emotional Skill Building
by Alex Petrou
Fit Abilities Yoga program in the Ferguson MO School District are empowering students by using Generation Mindful's PeaceMakers mantra cards.
Mindful Moments Blog
St. Louis Mom’s Alternative To Timeouts Turns Into Multi-Million Dollar Business
by Ashley Patek
Parenting during a pandemic has its challenges, but there’s something that can help those with younger children thanks to a St. Louis mom.
Mindful Moments Blog
Enhancing Emotional Development to Treat Child Depression
by Alex Petrou
A recent study shows that focusing on the parent-child relationship and enhancing emotional development may be a powerful and low-risk approach to the treatment of depression.
Mindful Moments Blog
3 Tools For Parenting A Strong-Willed Child
by Rebecca Eanes
Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection.
Strong-willed children have lots of great qualities. They are determined, courageous, fierce, and spirited. They can also be emotionally intense and sensitive which might lead to more tantrums and meltdowns, and their determination and spiritedness might mean power struggles are a real, well, struggle. This makes parenting strong-willed children a bit tricky.
These kids don't do well with traditional discipline methods which tend to only fuel power struggles. They are not easily controlled or manipulated. The traditional “control over” approach doesn’t go over well with these spirited tots, and they will naturally challenge you.
Learning to decode your fierce child’s behavior is key to reducing power struggles and increasing connection.
Seeing Behavior as Communication
Learning to look behind the behavior to the root cause is an important parenting skill no matter if your child is strong-willed or not, but it can be particularly helpful for parents of spirited kids to realize that all behavior is communication. It gives us a peek into the child’s emotional world and provides clues as to what the child is experiencing in that moment. This is especially important in strong-willed or intense children because they get overwhelmed easily, and their behavior guides us to a greater understanding of them if we pause and pay attention.
When a child’s behavior is off track, it could be because her brain is being overwhelmed by emotion or stress. While we assume that all behavior is deliberate and even calculated, the truth often is that they cannot stop themselves. Their fight or flight response has been activated, their brain is experiencing an amygdala hijack, and they probably have little control over their actions.
At other times, simple immaturity is to blame, and our own lack of understanding of the developing brain and how it works. Your child may know, for example, that he isn’t supposed to run ahead in the parking lot, but he cannot stop himself from acting on his impulse to run as his impulse is stronger than his reasoning at that age.
SnuggleBuddies® Help Big Emotions & Meltdowns
This doesn’t mean we let misbehavior slide. It’s a shift from punishing behavior to providing predictability, clear expectations, boundaries, and positive discipline to keep them safe while their brains are still developing.
Here are three ways, or solutions, to handle your strong- child’s behavior.
Choices and Mastery
Strong-willed children like to feel in control. When you think about it, young children have so little control over their daily lives, and it must be quite frustrating for them. We can meet them where they are by allowing them to make lots of small and reasonable choices that will feel empowering to them. When strong-willed children are forced to submit, they become oppositional, defiant, and stubborn, but when we give them control where appropriate and use a “come alongside” rather than a “come at” approach, they become less oppositional.
Strong-willed children crave mastery. Allow them to do for themselves what they can, and encourage them to take charge of as many activities as possible. Yes, this means you may have to relinquish control of minor issues. Is it more important that her outfit matches or that she’s happy she dressed herself, even if she’s wearing rain boots, shorts, and a hoodie? It may take five times longer to bake the brownies, but he’ll feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that he did it himself. Whenever possible, let your little firecrackers be in charge of themselves and they’ll become more cooperative.
Strong and Clear Boundaries
It may seem like your child wants zero rules, but all kids feel safer with firm boundaries in place as long as they are enforced calmly and lovingly. Be conscious of your tone and energy when explaining and enforcing boundaries.
Start by explaining expectations, not in a warning tone that projects your mistrust but in a “heads up” tone. Demonstrate that you believe in him and you’re on his side. “We’re going on this nature walk and I know you get excited and it’s fun to run. I’m not comfortable with that because it’s not safe so I’ll give you a signal or sign so you know when to wait and let us catch up. If it doesn’t work, we will hold hands.” Don’t view holding hands as a punishment but as help. “I love you too much to let you go running off.”
Anytime we talk about strong-willed children, there’s always a concern about their free spirit. We love that our strong-willed kids are fierce, determined, persistent, and non-conforming. We don’t want to “break their spirit,” we just want to tame it a bit.
Unfortunately, this fear of breaking their spirit may lead to a failure to set appropriate boundaries, so we need to rethink how we look at boundaries. Boundaries are love in action. They are like the lines in the road that tell drivers where we can safely navigate. Without them, there’d be chaos. Boundaries keep us safe, so rather than viewing boundaries as spirit-breaking, we can see them spirit-saving. You are more likely to hurt a strong-willed child’s spirit by constantly calling her down or correcting her than you are to provide appropriate boundaries in the first place.
Positive Discipline
Traditional discipline methods like punishments, threats, and lectures trigger opposition and push-back, particularly in willful children. Positive discipline works better to decrease power struggles and increase connection.
First, work on building trust and a secure attachment, as this will increase your influence with your spirited kid. This can be done through lots of laughter, play, listening, and quality time.
Next, work on teaching your child social-emotional skills. Help them understand what is driving their behavior and practice the skills they need to regulate their emotions and actions with the Time-In ToolKit®.
Finally, focus on solutions. When an issue arises, problem-solve together to find a solution. Ask the following questions: What caused this to happen? How do you feel about this? What could you do differently next time? How are you going to fix this? This is much more effective than losing an iPad. Solutions are better than punishments because children need to learn to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.
Mindful Moments Blog
The Importance Of An Apology To A Child's Self-Worth
by Ashley Patek
When we choose image maintenance over connection, we actually hurt our relationship with our children. Here's why apologizing to our children is one of the most important things we can do.
Mindful Moments Blog
The Balancing Act: Mastering Life's Challenges with Adult ADHD
by Ashley Martin
The symptoms and challenges of ADHD in adults can be formidable, but they need not define our journey. By acknowledging our unique strengths, finding balance, and learning to manage our symptoms, we pave the way for a fulfilling and successful life.
Mindful Moments Blog
Breaking The Cycles Of Fear-Based Parenting
by Ashley Patek
Here are 5 ways to use connection-based parenting (Over fear-based), and break the cycle of emotional wounding.
Mindful Moments Blog
Do You Have the Courage to Imperfect?
by Rebecca Eanes
Embracing your imperfect self, your imperfect children, and your imperfect life is an uncomfortable, vulnerable step to take. Here are some tips for making it happen.
Mindful Moments Blog
6 Ways To Decrease Power Struggles With Your Pushy Child
by Ashley Patek
Decrease power struggles with your child using these 6 simple tools.
Mindful Moments Blog
Don't Be On Behavior Patrol; Parent The Whole Child
by Rebecca Eanes
For many years, I have centered my work around one message: Connection is everything. It’s our ticket to enjoying this parenting journey more. Of course, the question always then becomes, “How can we set boundaries and correct our children without losing that connection?” If we confuse “staying connected” with “never upsetting our children,” things begin to get very tricky.
I have to admit, when I was first transitioning to positive parenting 13 years ago, I made the mistake of confusing the two. At the realization of how important my relationship was with my kids, I became fearful of ruining our bond. As a result, I struggled with setting and enforcing limits which had me constantly teetering between permissiveness and authoritarian parenting. When my permissiveness inevitably led to chaos, I reverted to my traditional punitive ways briefly before trying again to be the positive parent I desired to be. So, if you’re struggling with something similar in your parenting journey, I’d like to share with you what helped me learn to stand firm yet gentle in my position as a leader.
Here’s something to remember. A good connection isn’t feeble.
It isn’t going to break because you say no. It won’t crumble when you hold a boundary or even allow a consequence. A temporarily upset child (or parent) doesn’t equal a broken bond. When I was tip-toeing around my kids, afraid of breaking our connection by upsetting them, I felt powerless to correct their behavior. When I realized our relationship wasn’t that fragile, I was able to set and enforce limits and correct my children’s off-track behavior with confidence.
Think of parenting like a balance scale for a moment.
Ideally, there will be lots of positive, happy, snuggly, smiling moments and fewer negative (correcting, reprimanding, upsetting, frustrating) moments. When we focus too much on correcting or reprimanding and don’t give enough positive attention, the scale starts to tip in the wrong direction. When the negative outweighs the positive, connections crumble.
On the other hand, if we try to make sure that all we have are positive interactions, we will be blatantly ignoring or pushing down a lot of things, because life isn’t always pleasant. If our kids never hear no or if they never encounter adversity, they’ll be woefully unprepared for life’s challenges. They’ll lack resilience, grit, and character. I’m not saying we have to make things hard on our kids for them to learn. I’m just saying that we cannot always rescue and coddle them either.
Ah, but there’s a small caveat. Even though we may have fewer negative moments than positive moments, being harsh or shaming during correction is still damaging to the relationship. In other words, saying “No, I won’t allow you to do that” isn’t damaging, but “You’re a bad boy” is. A solid connection can handle adversity, but shame will always be emotionally wounding.
It turns out that shaming is all too common, and although children are very forgiving when we mess up, harsh words and actions leave their mark. So, learning how to approach negative behavior positively is important for keeping our connections strong, and this requires a shift in mindset and approach.
Changing Your Mindset
Positive parenting requires a shift from a fear-based mindset to a love-based mindset. Both authoritarian and permissive parenting are based on fear. The fear-based mindset says:
I must control my child’s behavior. (authoritarian)
My child learns not to repeat bad behavior by being punished. (authoritarian)
I’m the dominant figure; my child is “under” me. (authoritarian)
My child will hate me if I upset him. (permissive)
Trying to positively parent with a fear-based mindset doesn’t work because the focus is still on who has the control, you or your child.
The love-based mindset says:
My role is to teach my child appropriate behavior.
My child learns by my example via limits that are set and enforced respectfully.
While I am the leader, my child is a human being with equal rights to be respected and heard.
The positive parenting shift occurs when you move away from controlling your child’s behavior toward understanding it. Only when you understand where it’s coming from can you help her either heal the wound it is emanating from, meet the need, or learn the skill she is lacking?
Changing Your Approach
Once the focus is off control and on connection and understanding, how do you approach correcting or enforcing your limit while maintaining your connection?
Find a few trusted parenting resources that inspire and uplift you and weed out the rest.
There is so much contradicting parenting information and advice out there that it can be completely overwhelming. The truth is that it is all trial and error anyway. Learn from those few that you trust. Read their blogs. Watch their videos. Take what resonates and leave the rest, but remember that you are a unique parent with a one-of-a-kind child.
What works for your mentor may not work for you, and that doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. It means you are on your own journey, and you will find your way.
Look beyond the behavior of the little person in front of you.
It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to correct what is irritating you. Sometimes we slip into behavior patrol rather than parenting the whole human being. Ask yourself: What is he experiencing right now? What might he be feeling? What kind of help does he need from you? When you put your focus back on the human instead of the behavior, you can approach it with a level head.
Validate your child’s emotions.
So often, our kids just want to know that we see them, we hear them, we understand. We may disagree with their expression of an emotion, but the emotion itself is just data. All emotions are valid. It’s our job to help them learn how to handle a wide range of emotions, not to suppress or ignore them.
Reparent yourself
Reparenting work allows you to develop the emotional skills you need to tame your triggers, break unhealthy patterns, and provide the best environment and version of yourself that you can.
Look for solutions rather than punishments.
Kids need to learn how to fix their mistakes, not just pay for them.
With lots of positive interactions, a love-based mindset, and a positive approach to changing behavior, you can keep your connection with your kids strong as you enforce your limits, correct off-track behavior, and guide them through childhood.
Mindful Moments Blog
When Your Toddler Won't Stop Crying!
by Ashley Patek
Why is your toddler crying and what can you do? Here is a parent's guide for making it through, helping your child co-regulate and process her emotions.
Mindful Moments Blog
9 Mantras I Use When Low On Patience With My Kids
by Ashley Patek
Mantras can change the wiring of our brain and create a new lens to see ourselves, our kids, and the world at large. Here are 9 parenting mantras I use when low on patience with my kids.
Mindful Moments Blog
This is the One Thing All Children Need
by Rebecca Eanes
Can you guess what it is?
Mindful Moments Blog
Two Words That Soothe A Child’s Heart
by Rebecca Eanes
Our connection matters. Our children feel it. They need it. They need to know that, no matter what transpired today, no matter what was said, no matter what was spilled or knocked over or broken or uttered, we are good.
Mindful Moments Blog
It Takes a Village: Raising Children in a Connected World
by Ashley Martin
As we all know, it takes a village to raise a child. Generation Mindful is committed to being a part of that village as we provide support to those who need it most while offering assistance in nurturing their children’s development. This is one of the reasons why we provide an online learning portal known as The Village. It offers complimentary access to Generation Mindful’s early emotional education and positive childrearing resources for parents, caregivers, and educators.
Mindful Moments Blog
Ask Andrew: Understanding Neurodiversity
by Guest Author
Hi! I’m Andrew from Generation Mindful's newest recurring weekly feature, Ask Andrew. I’ll be taking any and all questions regarding the autism spectrum with particular emphasis on childhood development as an authentic autistic adult. Today Andrew answers: What do you wish your classmates had understood about you/did differently?
Mindful Moments Blog
What Happens When We Say, “You Hurt My Feelings” To Our Kids
by Ashley Patek
When we say things like "You hurt my feelings" or "You make me so mad", we send messages to our children that they are responsible for our feelings. Learn the truth about feelings, how to overcome childhood adaptations, and what to say instead.
